Mistakes I Don't Want To Repeat in 2009

As the new year begins, I am prone to mull over the year gone by. I am the kind of gal who likes to make new mistakes, not the same ones over and over again. To avoid the same mistakes I look over the past year and try to pick out what mistakes I'd like to avoid in the new year. I'm going to try and post one every day this week or as long as I have mistakes to examine.

Mistake #1 - Never underestimate the value of friendship.
I've never really been one to have many friends. I learned early in life that people who are close to your heart are just people with more power to hurt you. So, my solution, easy...don't make friends. Have acquaintances but never friends. I understand that this would be a whole lifetime of making this mistake, but let's not get hung up on technicalities, life is too short. (That's mistake #2)
While it is true you don't risk wounds from friends if you don't have friends, what you do risk is incredibly astounding.
Here are the risks:
Lack of advice from a friend who cares and sees your life from a different perspective.
Lack of someone to have dinner with on a whim.
Lack of someone to call as a diversion when you're obsessing over life issues and really just need to stop.
Lack of someone to ask how that last test you just had done went.
Lack of someone who'll smile at you for no reason at all.
Lack of someone to give you a random hug.
Lack of someone to ask to pray for your current situation.
Lack of someone to witness your faith journey and testify how good God has been in your life.

Sure friends hurts you sometimes, but in all fairness the hurt often goes both ways. In a society where technology is a great excuse to keep depth of relationship 2 feet deep and yet give the illusion of 8 foot depth, we must fight ever fiercely to keep our friends close. And for those of us just starting out, we'll wade into the 2 foot deep pool and brave into the open waters of friendship. We'll face the waves of hurt, misunderstanding, fear, insecurity, and laziness (for me at least) and all the while remember that we can never underestimate the value of true friendship.

Nature

I love nature. I love looking at flowers, trees, animals, anything that God made I find fascinating. While we were in California we saw so many colors that I couldn't help myself with the camera. I am posting them here. I hope you enjoy them.

It is believed that roses are planted in vineyards for several reasons. The one I found interesting is that roses and grapevines are susceptible to the same plant diseases. The roses develop them faster so if the roses get sick the farmers check the grapevines.

This is the entrance to one of the wineries we visited. I wanted to pull to sit down and read a book, have a glass of wine, or just listen to the quiet.



These are flowers that lined the walkway of one of the wineries we visited.

California Missions

While we were in California, we visited the mission in Soledad of Mission Neustra Senora Dolorosisima de Soledad. I've included a link for those who are interested. I won't bore the rest of you with then details.

It was a very interesting location full of the history and scenery I totally dig.
It is quite ironic that the location was known for being a lonely location.

I learned from my father in law that the missions were distanced to be a days walking distance so that the priests could walk by day to their destination and have a place to stay when night fell.

The beams in this chapel are painted three different colors. I'm not sure why, maybe it's just to make it look pretty, but I did find it very interesting that every aspect of this chapel was paid attention in the reconstruction. If I find an answer I'll let you know.

California Trip

We went on our annual trip to California to visit my sister in law. The picture is of a vineyard we visited while we were there. I love the colors of Salinas. You can't go anywhere without seeing something growing. Fruit, vegetables, grapes for wine. We also visited a mission. That was a very cool experience. I'll post those pictures later, but I figured I had better put up a new picture since it has been a while. I deliberately took pictures while we were in Salinas so I would have new images to post. Here is the first of many to come. There's lots happening here at the casita which will explain my briefness for today, but all is well regardless of all that is changing.

Who's In Charge Here?

So I've been feeling icky lately and couldn't figure out what was going on. I did all kinds of tests. CT scans, blood work, urinalysis and everything seemed fine. I've even had an ultrasound. The whole time I kept hearing a question in the back of my mind..."Will you let me heal you even if you don't know what I'm healing you of?" I'm a control freak! I'm ashamed to admit, this question was easy for me to answer...NO! I need to know what is wrong. God can't heal me without telling me what He's healing me of, that's just not the way we do it. Well, after 6 hours in the ER with great painkillers on board, very little sleep, and an "We can't see anything wrong with you Angelica" I was done. My need to feel better won over my need to know what was wrong. This was taking time from my children, my husband, myself and not to mention I was not going to be the reason we missed our trip to California. Yes, I finally resigned, yes God can heal me without telling me what's going on. Yes, God can make me feel better even when I don't have the control. Yes, God You can be in charge!
I had the wonderful opportunity to sing two of my new favorite songs back to back on Saturday and they never meant more to me than that night. Let My Words Be Few and In Christ Alone. The first song sings of the realization that I am so in awe of who God is and words cannot be what expresses my emotion, as they do not do Him justice. The second sings of my dependency on God. There is a line in the first verse that meant so much to me that night...What heights of love, what depths of peace...When fears are stilled, when strivings cease....My Comforter, my All in All....Here in the love of Christ I stand. When the fears of who I am without God are quited, when strivings for control and power cease, all I find myself in the greatest love and peace: In Christ alone. That is more than I deserve and all I need.
By the way, God is so gracious. I felt better almost immediately and figured if God had the power to do that I didn't need to know the answer. He gave me the answer anyway. I had a ruptured ovarian cyst. He gives me so much more than I deserve.

Vampire Snack

So I got to be a vampire snack today for the nurse. That was not too bad. We're checking for any vitamin deficiencies. Cool. Didn't know blood could tell you all of that. I get to take pictures of my insides on Friday. That should be pretty eventful. I'm trying to get everything done before we leave for California.
Oh yeah, California. We will be leaving on Tuesday for our annual trip to Salinas to visit John's sister and then off to DISNEYLAND! It's our wind town trip after the volleyball season. The kids give up time with us during the volleyball season and this has been our way just to spend some time with our kids. We'll get ready for our the holiday season when we get home. We are so excited about the holiday season. We love Christmas here at the Whitby home. But that is another post entirely. I'm looking forward to visiting with our California family and looking forward to catching up. Either way, the testing will be done and I'll be able to relax.

A Case of the Icky's

So I've been feeling like crap lately. It is so frustrating to me to not feel 100% as I like to go full strength into everything I do. I've been doing the doc thing and we can't figure it out. Part of me wonders if the stress of the year is taking it's toll and part of me worries that it's something that will cause more stress this year. I don't know. Either way, I'm admitting it to myself, I feel like crap. Maybe it's like a 12 step thing. The first step to getting better is to admit that there is a problem. Maybe my key to getting better is to admit that I feel like crap. Let's see if it works.

What Are You Passionate About

Just two of the things I'm passionate about

Someone once asked me what I was passionate about. At the time I wasn't sure how to answer. I am passionate about my family. It is my highest priority, other than being a godly woman, to be a great wife to my wonderful husband and a godly mother to my highly energetic children. It isn't easy to fulfill these tasks. It is the hardest work I have ever done. I've been thinking about it for a while and I realized I know what I am passionate about. I am passionate about families. I am passionate about sharing my experiences in an effort to help other women achieve their dreams of family. Everyone has something they are passionate about and I love that they vary greatly from person to person. My passion it family and keeping them whole. I don't know how God will use that for His service, but I am open to finding out.

Now That I'm a Green Belt

So, if you haven't already heard I am now a Tang Soo Do Green Belt. I don't know why, but I felt a sense of respect for myself. I do have to admit, I was very nervous for this test. I have been nervous before, but this was way different. When I stood before my Master to perform my form, I felt a sudden terror come over me. I know this terror. It is the feeling I get right before I do something I have been studying to do and realize I am about to do it. I usually chicken out, or get so nervous that I fumble my way through whatever it is. Saturday, I went into a mode I have been practicing but have not used until that day.
Sidebar - When we being class, we stand at attention, we salute the flag, we bow our heads, we then salute the master and begin our techniques. Now, when we bow our heads, I have begun repeating one thing in my head every practice. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).
Back to the story, I had done this on Saturday morning before we began testing. As I stood to perform, and felt the fear begin to creep in, I heard a voice whisper to me...Do not forget, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. That's right! I remembered! I looked my master in the eyes and focused my fear into a little ball and put it to the side and began to perform. I did not know how I did. I don't even remember performing, but I was not afraid. When I was done, I returned to my spot on the wall, but I was shaking so much I couldn't sit still. I had done it. I had been afraid and I had done it with confidence and strength. I am told by those who were there that my form was strong and clean. The moves were crisp and sharp. That makes me feel good, but not as good as knowing that I was terrified out of my mind and did it well.

Now, the board break with a side kick took me four tries. I was afraid to kick the masters fingers. I did kick her fingers. So, I figured after that it couldn't get much worse. I knew I was kicking wrong and I was pushing and not snapping, but the incredible thing about that was this: The thought of quitting never entered my mind. The white belt Angie would have quit after the first one. The green belt Angie kept kicking until the board was broken. Quitting was never an option. I was determined to break it and that felt good too.
When I was a white belt, I didn't know I would develop strength and courage as I pursued each belt level. Now that I'm a green belt I look forward to the new challenges that await me.

Another Year Older

Anyone who knows me, knows I am very introspective when it comes to anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays. It's my birthday again. I remember the days when the year between my birthdays just seemed to drag on and on. I couldn't wait to be 13 or 16 or 18 or 21. Now, the years just seem to fly by and my birthdays sneak up on me, tap me on the shoulder and yell SURPRISE!
I must admit, though, that I am very happy with my life. I am happy to be the wife of a godly man who adores me and would swim through shark infested waters just to bring me a glass of wine. I am happy to be a mother, who is finally having more good days than bad days, and realizes she has some pretty cool kids. I am in a family that is one of the best families a woman can be a part of. It has been work, the hardest work I have ever done, but it has been so worth it. I am 34 and happy and proud of the choices I have made and how God has blessed those choices.

Here We Go Again

I'll be honest. There is no actual point to this point. It is my vain attempt to keep from losing my mind today. Doesn't it seem like life keeps moving even when you're calling for a time out? I know it does for me. However, amidst the kids fighting and screaming, I have stolen away for a few minutes of mental rest. A deep sigh escapes my lips and I realize I should go pray.

Parenting Quote of the Day

So I heard a parenting quote today and I'm convinced it needs to be my parenting motto for the next 15 years.

Most of the time, being a good parent feels crappy.
~Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Isn't that the truth? I find that a good amount of the time I have deny my kids things. I do it becuase it is in their best interest. I don't like to deny them anything, but I realize that if I give them everything, I may be doing them a dis-service. When they were babies, I was responsible to meet all of their needs, but as they grow, I find my responsibility shifts from meeting all fo their needs to teaching them to meet their own needs. This requires mistakes, failures, and errors. It's hard to watch them go through those things sometimes, but I find great pride in watching them succeed.
I will endure the crappy feelings of discomfort and pain to allow them the opportunity to mature and grow and learn from life's experiences.

Jude

I began reading through Jude yesterday, and I was amazed to read that Jude had other plans for this letter. He had intended to address something entirely different, until God changed his plans. I only got that far yesterday when I began a conversation with God. Isn't it like Him (God) to change people's plans? Actually, I think we are the ones who change His plans. My husband and I like to talk about what the future holds for us and at times, I admit, I am a little hesitant at discovering what God's plans are for me. I believe, in a vain effort to stay in my comfort zone, I make my own plans and then feel betrayed and hurt when God reminds me that our plans are not matching up. So far, I like the tiny book of Jude. I can't wait to keep discovering it's insight.

Solomon's Songs...Fact or Fiction

So I've been reading up on the Song of Solomon...I think I already said that and I have a thought. I hear a lot of debate about Solomon and his ability to be a good husband to 900+ women and I have a suggestion. There is no evidence, or is there...I might be mistaken in this...that Solomon was writing a documentary. If I read the first verses correctly it was a poem or song written by Solomon. I hear people speak of how it might be impossible for Solomon to experience this kind of marriage relationship. Maybe he didn't. Maybe the Song of Solomon was written by a man longing for this kind of love. Again, I could be completely wrong. Maybe this book was written for us women. Maybe it was written by a man to show us what a man desires of his woman. Maybe it was written to give us an idea of how important our presence is in their lives. Maybe it was written to give us permission to enjoy every aspect of our marital relationship. Maybe that's why they read it during Passover. Maybe they needed to remember that with all of the crap we have to put up with in life, God gave us the gift of marriage to get us through the harsh reality life can be.
My husband and I have been discussing this book and he assures me that a lot of what Mark Driscoll and my pastor Josh Reich say is true. I highly recommend you check their ideas out. Men do want the things Solomon sings about. I don't know if Solomon's songs are fictional or factual. I don't know if there was a woman who filled the longings of his heart the way the Shunamite woman did. But I do know this from reading his book.
1. God gave me permission to be a wife who fully enjoys every aspect of her marriage
2. It doesn't matter how much money or wisdom a man has, he still desires to have the love of a good woman.
3. My husband rocks!

Let's Talk About Sex...just for a minute

So we've been doing a series on the Songs of Solomon at our church, I know, it's **sex**. I'm not sure where the idea came from that once we give our hearts to God and ask Him to take control of our lives we become these non-passionate people. It almost seems that married Christians equate holiness with bland sexuality or no sexuality, and I'm learning through my personal studies, that's wrong! That Song of Solomon woman is anything but bland. She is sensuous, alive, passionate, attractive, and godly. She found her husband irresistible. But guys you have to admit, he made it pretty hard to resist. So help us out.
Now I understand there is an appropriate time for fasting from intimacy, but only for a short period of time. Then we are to resume intimacy to help each other from stumbling.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ~I Corinthians 7:5 (NLT)

But don't forget that a couple of verses prior we are told this:

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 (NLT)

So if I understand this verse correctly, I have sexual rights over my husband just as he has rights over me. So, if I deny him out of a desire to punish, retaliate, or gain revenge I am in sin. Yeah...I don't even want to go there.
Ladies, we've been really bombarded with a lot of information on spousal abuse and how to prevent sexual assault from the opposite sex. We've even been sold the line that our bodies are our own and we have the right to do whatever we want with our bodies. It's our choice. But this verse says differently. Once we are married we give authority of our bodies to our husband. I know sounds harsh, BUT don't forget, he gives authority of his body to us.
So let me challenge you single gals, choose wisely, because the man you take for a husband, will be the man to whom you give power. And to you married ladies I challenge you, exercise your rights over his body. I'm sure he won't complain. Can you think of a better way to relax and unwind from a hectic day of people demanding EVERYTHING from you? I can't.

Fears & Insecurities

Fear and Insecurity seem to be a predominant theme in my life right now. I have fears and insecurities and I deal with them in a particular way. I know they are there and I work hard in God's grace, wisdom, and power not to let them overwhelm me. I know they are the very things that will damage my ministry as a wife, mother, and woman if I entertain them.
I know I am not the only one who battles with fear and insecurity, however, I wonder. What are the fears and insecurities others battle? How do we as Christians battle with fear and insecurity? Is it different than how the world battles it? Why don't we talk about our fears and insecurities more? Isn't that what helps us to gain the upper hand in relation to our fears and insecurities?
These are just questions I am asking today.

Train Up a Child

We had one of "those" parenting nights last night. A battle of the wills where only one side could be the victor. Those of you who are parents of preteen boys understand what kind of battle we were up against, those of you who aren't, will one day know. It wasn't the "I hate you and wish I wasn't your child" kind of defiance. It was the "I'm becoming a man and I want to know who's in charge here" defiance. When you are in the middle of it you are thinking, "Are you serious? This has got to be a joke. Someone abducted my sweet boy and left this anger ball in his place." It's hard and I wanted to quit. I wanted to just let him be in charge in hopes of wooing my sweet child back into reality. That wouldn't work and I knew that, but I tend to look for the exit when difficult times face me. Instead, I prayed. We prayed. He didn't snap back into reality like I wanted him to, but we were able to stand our ground in a loving way. Someone once told me that when you start to hear accusations against your heart and soul that you might be on the right track and to stay the course. Well, let me tell you, we must have been on the right track last night because the accusations were flying, but we stayed the course and our son did what we asked.
Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path,
and when they are older, they will not leave it. (NLT)

Let Me Suffer Well

So I've been listening to Mark Driscoll's recent podcast about prayer, which you can check out here, and he said three things that struck me as interestingly true.
One - When you come up again pain, difficulty, suffering, hardships...whatever you turn to is your functional savior. Food, drugs, alcohol, anger...those are functional saviors, but the best place to go is to God. HE is the complete Savior.
Two - Jesus did not pray for the "IF hardship comes moment" He prayed for the "WHEN hardship comes" moment. It will come. I should pray that God would get me through it, not out of it.
Three - I should not pray that dark, bleak moments be kept from me. Jesus, when He prayed in Gethsemane, prayed for deliverance from His future, but then went on to pray that God would let Him suffer well, let Him be betrayed well, let Him bleed well, let Him die well. If I am going to suffer I might as well not waste it, I should redeem it. I should pray that as I suffer through those moments, God would be honored and glorified as a result.

This week has been hard. We have been threatened with the loss of a family member. We are suffering. But our prayer has to be...let us suffer well. It brings peace knowing that whatever lies ahead, God will be glorified. We have determined that in our family heart.

Brutal Honesty

One of the things I love about my relationship with God is that He is so honest with me. Sometimes, I would rather not hear what He is saying, but it is all stuff that will help me to grow and develop as a godly person. Like the other day, when things weren't going how I had planned them to go, I complained to God that other people got to do things as they had planned. Why not me? He so lovingly pointed out that those people did a better job of organizing and executing their plans than I did sometimes. OUCH! Not what I wanted to hear. Or like the same day when I was complaining that if I had the tools I could do my job better. After all, other people got the tools they wanted and that was why they were so successful in their jobs....to which He responded, ever so lovingly, that those people could be trusted with what HE had given them. YIKES! Yes, I love how honest God is with me. I admit, I don't like it when He's honest with me in the moment, but in hindsight I realize He's probably right. After all, He's God, He must be right....right?

MRI, iPods, and missed classes

Okay so today had a frustrating start. My son had an appointment to have an MRI done. We all woke up early (no small feat with my princess who sleeps until 8 or 9) and headed across town to keep our appointment. I suggested my son might be able to take the iPod in with him, but wasn't positive. Well, turns out he couldn't take it in. Which set off a chain of events that would spiral quickly out of control and end with us leaving the office un-MRI'ed and frustrated. Yes, I realize that isn't a word, but I'm using it anyway. He wouldn't even step foot into the room and it was painfully obvious there was no way to make him do it and not look like the mother who is traumatizing her son in front of the tech's. Anyway, we left the office after 20 minutes of negotiating and comprimising without the MRI and feeling defeated. I had missed my martial arts class, woke everyone up early, missed a good breakfast, only to fight with my son across town. I yelled at God and complained that He could have helped a little more. After all, we did pray and ask that God would help Isaac to be brave and courageous. God could have answered that prayer. He responded ever so gently and patiently with the following...Bravery or Courage were not what your son lacked. He was being stubborn. I was a bit confused but after a conversation with my beloved son, I discovered God was once again right. He was mad that he couldn't take the iPod into the room with him. I suppose I forgot to pray for that one. We've since made up and are now enjoying a better day, but MAN! Proof of two things, God answers prayer, but make sure you ask for insight into what to pray for. And two, God is always right.

Small Victories

I coach volleyball. I know some of you already know that, but for those of you who don't I coach. I've been avoiding the title, but yesterday I was proud to embrace it. I coach to play volleyball, but hopefully I am also coaching them to succeed in life. I always say, I could care less if they win a game if they lose at life. Small victories are more important in life when they motivate you to push yourself to be your personal best. I am learning something this season. We were ahead in a game and the girls were so excited. They were about to burst with excitement. It made me smile just to watch them. Their excitement was contagious. As they came in at a time out, called by the other team, I encouraged them to soak up the moment. Isn't that what it's about? Soaking up the moments of life, being in the moment and allowing yourself to get caught up in the emotion of it. We lost the game, but boy did we win a small victory. We soak up every second of that suspenseful game and they are ready for the next game.

Cinderella

We were on our way to a piano lesson the other day and this precious little song began to play on the radio. My daughter squealed with glee and asked, "Mommy! Please turn it up? I love this song!" I figured it was some silly little song and so I complied. It was the least I could do. As I listened to the lyrics, tears welled in my eyes. It is the song of a father who is watching his little girl grow into womanhood.

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone.

Even now as I listen to it again, I am sappily tearing. There are two reasons for this flood of emotion and here they are. One, I spent so much time in my life being sad about the fact that I never knew this kind of love. The pure love of an earthly father. The kind of love that protects and cherishes from outside predators. I have known it in my relationship with my Heavenly father and for that I am so blessed. So the first reason is the final mourning of the father I never had. The second reason was the realization that my children do know this love. My daughter has the love of her daddy. My favorite memory is the trip home from the hospital with a newborn Elisa in the back seat. The song Butterfly Kisses began to play on the car radio and John looked at me with a tear in his eye. Concerned, I asked him what was wrong. He looked back at the car seat and whispered, "I'm going to have to give her away." She has a daddy that loves her. Knowing that, I can no longer be sad. I have given her what was taken from me.

I Love My Man

My husband and I began dating 14 years ago this month. We reminisced about our courtship this weekend and marveled at how much we still love each other. I remember being worried that I might get tired of him or vice versa. I worried that we'd get bored of each other or run out of things to talk about. I was so wrong. I now look back and realize that no matter how much I thought I loved him I had no idea what love was. Love at that moment was a warm feeling of school-girl giddiness and excitement that I had someone to hold hands with and belong to. The love I have for that man now is deeper than anything I have ever experienced. It is stronger than any emotion I knew existed. The passion is stronger and purer than the day we married. Nothing really happens in my life unless I can share it with him. He is my best friend and life partner in every sense of the word. I look forward to the years ahead. The first 12 years of marriage have been filled with such wonder and love I can only imagine what the coming years will hold.

Adventures

So I've been allowed the honor of leading worship a couple of times at our church. It is always something I've dreamed of doing and have enjoyed the occasions I've been allowed to share my talents this way. This evening I felt like I struggled more than I would have liked but, I've learned two lessons this week. So I suppose my discomfort was not in vain.

1. Stick with keys you already are comfortable with while your throat is sore, otherwise it is hard to sing them later when your voice starts to feel better.
2. Practice like you aren't comfortable with the songs even if you are comfortable with the songs.

I'm not sure how long I'll be allowed to continue doing this, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I have the opportunity. It's been a great adventure and I'm learning so much about myself and the abilities God has given me.

Games

So we're going to be full blown into our volleyball season tomorrow and I'm excited to see what my girls can do. They are a great bunch of girls and I hope they are learning as much from me as I am learning from them.

Motherhood

Okay friends. I'm back. I'm ready to take on the world again. I believe I have begun taking steps to come to terms with the fact that I cannot be God to my family. I didn't realize I was trying to occupy that role. I now realize it and have surrendered it once again.
Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever done. No one tells you how involved your heart gets into your family. I believe this is because it is a different experience for every woman. No one woman experiences it the same way. For some it is a natural thing; it happens without them even trying. For others, it is the most unnatural thing in the world. It takes work, effort, and an unseemingly unpossessed ability. None of these experiences is wrong. It is just the evidence of the fact that we are all created differently. I have spend the first years of my motherhood trying to be something I am not. I have fought my basic instincts to do what I thought was the correct thing to do. I now realize those instincts serve a purpose. God made me the woman I am so that I can be the mother He has called me to be. God gave me the children He gave me because He knew I would be the mother they needed. So I say to you mothers who struggle to find yourselves in this crazy world that has launched an all out attack on motherhood, femininity, warmth, nurturing, and strength to allow yourselves to be the mother you dream of being. It will not look like any other woman's skill or ability. It will be your own unique experience and you should enjoy it. Don't let anyone stick their finger in your face and tell you what you should or should not be doing (I realize I am doing something similar to that now, but you know what I mean). Stand tall and proud and embrace the woman you are and explore the motherhood set before you.
Okay I'm done now. Have a great day.

He's My Son

So, I'm tucking my son in to bed tonight and this horrible song comes on the radio. If you're listening to my playlist you're listening to it now. I began to weep as my heart sang along with Mark. It's hard to be positive and brave and noble and good when you hear stupid songs like this one. These are the songs that bring the weakest part of you to the surface for everyone to see. But then it said something that made me stop.

I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You

Truer words were never spoken. My son needs God. I can't be God for him. This realization is both liberating and heart wrenching. I will never be able to be all for him. I can stop trying. But the realization that he needs something I can't give him is too much for me.
Honestly guys, this is proving to be more than I can bear. It might just be a bad day, but man this is the worst bad day I've had in a long time.

Superwoman? Not lately

So my shock has worn off, and I am now left with the realization that with one small diagnosis, life has changed. Please don't misunderstand, this by no means changes our love for our son. Nor does it change the hopes and dreams we have for him. We will not let this be something that keeps us from encouraging him to be all that God created him to be. No, this isn't the change I speak of. It's the change that happens in those around us. It's the change that happens within our family. It's the realization that things we left unnoticed, must now be noticed and documented for his sake. It's the change of well-meaning people giving us their hopes of his complete and total healing. It's the change of dealing with those around us who aren't sure how to treat our son. It's the change of feeling vulnerable. It's the feeling that one small inquiry of how I'm doing sets tears into motion. It's the small changes that no one notices. These small changes just prove to be too much from time to time. I cannot allow myself to think about it during the day, it overwhelms me and threatens to stop me dead in my tracks. I steal away these few moments in the early phases of my morning. I allow myself to come to terms with my humanity. I allow the tears to surface. I give into the vulnerability. It is the only way I will call out for help from the only One that can help. I know I serve a big God. I know there is nothing too big for Him. I know that with a thought of my son He can heal him from what ails him. However, there is a sense that this may not be what He's planning. I know He will get the glory. I worry that He's chosen to use us this way. I am human and fail Him so often. But He is God and I do believe He knows what He's doing.

Ramblings of a Crazy Woman

***Warning this post is a little garbled as I attempt to make some sense out of my life. Read at your own risk**

Feral Christianity. An attempt to get back to the roots of who I am and who God created me to be. As life throws things at you and as you interact with those around you...you alter yourself to survive. I know I have done this. This may not be what God intended me to do. I wonder sometimes, if who I have allowed myself to become and who God wanted me to be are two different people. I've changed or suppressed parts of myself to avoid being strange, weird, and ultimately rejected. I get rejected anyway. I'm at a point in my life where some of those parts I got rid of were parts I find I need now. UGGGG! How do I get them back?
This year, there seems to be a focus in our lives about being completely dependent on God. There is an emphasis on allowing God to be who He is while I am obedient to His bidding to be who He has called me to be. The problem with that is, I'm not always sure I want to be who He's called me to be. It's the proverbial foot wanting to be a hand. I used to believe that the gifts God had given me didn't really jive with who I had envisioned myself being. I'm finding now, that the gifts God has given me can only be used successfully in conjunction with who He's called me to be. The kicker is, I am most content and at peace when I use my gifts according to His Will. So who's fighting this? If my spirit is at peace doing God's bidding and my gifts go perfectly with who God created me to be...where did I get the idea that I should be something else? Feeling confused yet, don't worry I confuse even myself.

Epilepsy

That's what it is. I'm either still in shock or completely in denial. I realize it's a big deal, and while I am concerned about what the word means, I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be. I think I'm more concerned about how the world will view my precious child than I am about how we will handle this. We have a great community and a great God, I know there is nothing we can't handle. Honestly, I'm at peace. It feels quite odd.

1 John 2:10

Yeah, so I am reading through first John this week. I never realized what a cool book it is. I've read parts of it before, but never with the focus I'm reading it with this time. The second chapter addresses how a person who lives in the light behaves as opposed to the person who doesn't live in the light. It speaks very clearly about our relationship with other people of faith and how we are to get along with each other which wasn't my favorite, but that's a different post.

The verse that stuck out to me yesterday was verse ten. My version reads "there is no destroying the faith of those who live in the light". I really liked the way my version reads because it assumes that an action results from living in the light. One could assume that becuase I live in the light my faith is untouchable, but I think there is a deeper meaning here. IF I am living in the light I will actively guard my faith. I will actively guard and protect my faith from unseen enemies who would desire to destroy the faith I cling to as my life source. Nothing is destroying it. Nothing.

Unseen Enemy

Okay, so here's the question I've been mulling over the past...I don't know...lifetime. I've been raised to believe that there is an unseen enemy. From different events in my life, I have been inclined to believe that is the case, but I've been listening to a podcast by Mark Driscoll and he mentioned something I hadn't ever considered. In his four part podcast "Spiritual Warfare" he stated that there are Christians who do not believe in unseen enemies. Is that true and if so, what are their ideas on the "dark side of the force"? I'm just curious. Any thoughts?

Abnormalities

That's what they said. There were some abnormalities with your son's EEG. It's funny. We haven't really process through the whole gambit of emotions, but we're not freaked like I thought we might be. I was actually a little relieved. I believe my response to the doctor when she told me there were abnormalities was "Oh good!" Don't get me wrong, I don't want there to be abnormalities, but it give us some clues in recent events. I think my complete response probably should have been..."Oh good! We are not crazy. We were right to be concerned."
As we've begun this process we've had people ask us if we are okay and my response has been, we're fine. And we are. I'm listening to my son, who had an abnormalities with his EEG, play his new piece of music on the piano with precision and perfection. It's the sweetest thing I have ever heard. My son will be fine. I have a promise, a promise from my Creator and his Creator. He will be fine. And so will we. The real abnormality is that we have such a peace about the next couple of weeks. That's abnormal.

Stagnant in Spirit

I recently started subscribing to a newsletter by Wayne Cordeiro, pastor of New Hope Christian Fellowship Oahu. I read his book Doing Church As a Team and Dream Releasers and was impressed by the simplicity of the concepts and the depth of their impact. So when I received the invite for this newletter, I was naturally open to it. The first newsletter hit me where I live. It was titled Keeping Our Spirit Fresh. I didn't realize until I read that article that I allowed my spirit to grow stagnant this week. I know it's only a week, but a week in my life is a long time to go without time with God. All week I have felt like I am giving and giving out of an empty well. I know my quiet time got put on the back burner with the craziness of our schedule. I told myself I'd catch up on it later. I realize today that later, never comes when I want it to. And so, here I am. Feeling under the weather. Being forced to rest. I know what I need to do and I will do it. My spirit is stagnant and I will go to the only One who can refresh my spirit.

Thank You

We survived our looooong day and awoke well-rested and in good moods. My sweet boy...soon to be a man...did outstanding. He did all they needed him to do. He was a little overwhelmed with all the contact to his head, but he did his best to be brave. It wasn't anything painful that was done to him, but he has always had an aversion to people touching his head. If I had had two surgeries performed on my head, I think I would feel the same way. Regardless, he is well. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and kinds acts of love. We are truly blessed to have such a great community. I've had people ask, What can we do? There's nothing per se that can be done at the moment. Once we get results there may be some things we need, but honestly, the best thing that can be done for our family you are all doing. Keep us in prayer. If you ask me how I'm doing and I tell you "I'm fine" and start bawling, go ahead and assume I'm lying. I tend to try to do all things on my own. I do need help emotionally more than I need help physically. So, that's what we truly need. And I can't believe I will actually post that. I'm considering deleting it to avoid exposing myself for the weakling that I am. Okay I'm publishing post before I chicken out. You all rock.

Sleep Deprived

I'm a little cloudy minded today. I realize it's only 8a and I'm allowed a little cloudiness, but it has to do more with the knowledge that I have a long day ahead of me. My good-hearted boy will be preparing for his EEG today. What that involves is staying awake until 1a and waking at 5a tomorrow morning. He needs to be a bit sleep deprived, and since he is only 9, mommy will need to be there to make sure it happens in a safe manner. I'm not so nervous about the outcome of the test. Either way, it will be useful information. I'm more nervous about doing my day with as little emotion as possible. I tend to be on the emotional side when I am sleep deprived. Okay, I'm off.

Unrecognized Contributions

Isn't it amazing how people contribute to your life and you don't even realize it. I ran into the relative of a family I knew when I was young last week. The husband and wife were such a neat couple. I remember watching them together upon his return from deployment and thought to myself, I hope someday I have a husband that I love as much. I hope my children have a father that loves them with such devotion. It's funny, I grew up and married a man who is just that. As I remember this family, I have to smile to myself as I realize how good God is. He allowed me to see an example of a godly man even though there was no permanent example in my life. He gave me a model to refer to as I chose my husband. I don't even know if they know what an impact they had on my life, but I'm glad that God used them just the same.

Rose Canyon

Mount Lemmon. Ahhhh. My Sunday escape. Each week our family takes a Sabbath. My husband started this habit last year in an attempt to give me some quiet time to myself. It was intended to be a mini break for me, but ended up being a day of relaxation for them. I usually found some chore or odd job that needed to be done. It was not usually relaxing for me. This year, my husband invited me to join them. I hesitated at first. I am usually too prepared to just enjoy the kind of trip this is for them. But after prodding from all three of them, I conceded and up the mountain I went. My husband even bought a hammock for me so that I would be forced to relax. It works! Every Sunday I relax and prepare for the week ahead. It's been a nice addition to our lives and highly recommend a Sabbath for anyone. It's God's way of giving us permission to rest. He knew we needed it, that's why he made it a rule. The picture above was taken on the way up to Rose Canyon. The hubby thinks it looks like a volcano. We both think it is a gorgeous display of God's creativity.

Great Stress Ball, Batman!

Okay, so this week was CRAZY! It seems like every single aspect of our lives got hit. It's mostly life stuff but WOW! The opportunity to fail big time arose several times this week. Usually I am a stress ball during this season and I really don't like being that way. I tend to be short tempered with my children and combative with my man. I am proud to announce that only one child lost their head, and that was a completely legitimate beheading. Hubby and I were able to stay close and connected. He is a great source of strength for me and I know God has given him to me as the greatest gift one woman can ever receive. I am still feeling the stress but trying to let the people around me help more. They tend to like it better when I let them help as opposed to watching me run around and stressing. Things don't seem to be slowing down anytime soon, but I know I've got a great support system here. I did feel a little guilty at one point. Ladies, back me up here. You know how you get to that point of tiredness when all you can do is cry? No one has done anything and you aren't angry or sad, you're just tired. That happened and I felt so bad that the poor man witnessing it looked like he felt completely helpless. Sorry about that man. I'm really okay. Nothing a glass of wine and two good nights of sleep couldn't fix. Well, I'm off to prepare for the week. I leave myself with one final thought:
With God, all things are possible. With friends, whatever God asks me to do is possible.

Choice To Trust

I found this a few days ago and had to smile. This was a pivotal moment in my faith walk with God. I thought I would share.

January 14, 2005
I have been faced with the issue of trusting God for quite a while now. I suppose God is trying to say something. I've been going back and forth about the choice to trust God and I believe I have come to a decision. Here it is.

I choose to trust God. I don't completely understand God or His ways. I don't completely know what God has laid out for me. I don't know where He will take me. I don't really know alot. BUT! I know god loves me and I know I love God and without God I am lost. I know until now, God has always kept His promises to me and has always used my mistakes to help me to learn more about His love for me. SO! I choose to trust God based on those things I know and those things I don't know. I trust God. I can't see Him, physically feel Him, taste Him, or smell Him, but I choose to trust Him.

Still Working On It

I posted a while back that God was working something new in me and that I wanted to share it with you all, but I wanted to wait until it was more developed. Well, He's still working it. It's so funny that I thought He was going to explain it to me and I was so wrong. He has so graciously allowed me the opportunity to learn on the job. So, for those of you who are waiting for it, it's coming.

Fake It `til You Make It

For the past three years, God has really been defining faith for me. I grew up in church and heard many ideas on what faith is and what is should be. As God has defined it for me, I have become aware of the responsibility I have with my faith. The verse that really sparked the transformation of my ideas on faith was Hebrews 10:23.

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm,
for God can be trusted to keep his promise.

There were two things that stood out to me in this verse.
One ~ We hold tightly without wavering
The words used for hold tightly also translates as to get possession of, and also to hold fast, to keep secure, and to keep possession of. The word for wavering can be interpreted as without moving, not inclining, firm, unmoved.
Two ~ We hold tightly to a hope we affirm
Hope can also be as to anticipate with pleasure. Affirm here is our profession, something we say, we declare.

As I looked at the words faith I learned that faith is an allegiance to duty or a person. It is a loyalty, a belief, a trust in God, a complete trust. As you look at the definition of faith you have to look at the definition of belief or to believe. Belief or to believe is to have a firm conviction about something, to accept it as truth.

So here's my theory after reading all of this. Belief must come before faith, however, faith cannot come without belief. I must believe in God to have faith in Him. I must believe what He says about me and what He promises me. My faith is the evidence of that belief. My faith is the proof of what my belief is. The integrity of my belief will be shown in my faith. Faith should be active and in agreement with what I claim to believe. If I believe God loves me, I should behave as though He does. It is behaving based on our belief, not believing to change our behavior. So in essence the idea of faking it until you make it isn't too far off. As I embraced this idea into my life I began to change my thought process. I had to make a choice, and I did. I choose to accept God's promises as truth and I will hold tightly to that until it is fulfilled. I will not move from that idea, I will not change my mind. Why, because I have faith that my God will come through with His promise. I know that even though it looks like I'm standing all alone, that God is standing with me. I believe that even though it looks like He's left me for dead in the desert, He will complete the good work He has started in me. H won't let me down. I have a thought that I go to when I start to have my faith questioned and you can use them if you like.

I am not believing to change my behavior.
I am behaving based on my belief in an all powerful awesome God.

Godly Woman With A Little Fight Left In Her

Okay so it's confession time. Every once in a while I watch those GodTV or Daystar channels just to see what's going on in the religious community. There's one in particular that is geared towards women. I was watching it yesterday and I have to say, I was VERY disappointed. Why does it seem that "Godly" women are always portrayed as meek, mild, quiet, tempered, well-behaved women? It makes it impossible for women like myself to feel as if we are truly Godly. I am not quiet although God has tempered me. I am not mild by any definition of the word. I am passionate, loud, eccentric (which I realize is just another word for crazy), and I am a fighter. I behave myself only according to what God requires. If I am confronted with the enemy of my heart, I do not shrink back into the safety of my husbands arms, I call my man and we take that enemy on together. We double team him. If I see the enemy of my faith trying to destroy what God has done in me, I come out swinging full force.
Why am I talking about this? Let me tell you. My community is under attack by an unseen force. The bad guy would love nothing more than to win this battle. But he won't, not if I have anything to do with it. We, as Christians, sometimes cower and hide in the face of adversity, fearing we have angered some unjust god. We forget that Matthew 11:12 tells us that since the birth of John the Baptist the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing and that violent people are attacking it. So, what should we do. Should we wait for someone to come and rescue us? Should we wait for someone to come in and do the fighting for us? Should we sit idly by and watch as our community is attacked? I will not. I was born for such a time as this! I was born to stand in the gap with the saints and claim the victory God already has won. I will not back down. I will not falter. It will be hard and I will want to quit, but I know what is at stake here. My faith will go on. I will always serve God. I have already decided this. But the faith I pass on to my children is on the line. They will comprehend faith by the way my husband and I live it out in front of them. I want them to see something of substance and value. I want them to see a God that is powerful beyond all belief. If they are to see that, I must live it out in front of them. So, bring it on. I suppose this is my way of putting the enemy of my faith on alert. He's been served notice that he will not win here in my home. I call those of my community to do the same.

It's Worth Fighting For - by Yours Truly

When I am inspired, I write. Here's another one for you. Don't be too harsh.

It's worth fighting for, this concept of community.
It's worth fighting for, this concept of faith.

It's worth fighting for, although the cost is high.

It's worth fighting for, although I will have to wait.
I've seen a life transformed
From shattered and useless to whole
I've seen a heart softened
From cold and distanced to restored
I've known a powerful God
Who leaves no work started undone
I've known an awesome God
Who covers my failures with his blood
It's worth fighting for, my children will need an example
It's worth fighting for, to see more than what eyes see
It's worth fighting for, to cling to a vision that's impossible
It's worth fighting for, fight alongside me

Baby Borrowers

Okay so I've been sucked into this series called the Baby Borrowers. I swore I wouldn't keep watching it, but I've been amazed at the whole idea. I'm not one for reality-shows. My own reality often is enough for me to handle let alone getting caught up in someone else's reality. However, my friend Hopsy and I watched the season premiere of the show and were shocked by the whole experiment. The premise is that a teen age couple gets a shot at being parents. They are cocky teen agers who know everything and think their parents are just clueless as to their abilities and capabilities. Last night they showed how the teens interacted with the toddlers they were given. As I watched, I began to remember how much work John and I put into those years. I had actually forgotten. It was good to see. As I awoke this morning, and was immediately faced with the children, who I cannot give back in three days, and my own reality. They came into the house and presented me with a problem they had found outside. I gave them, what I thought was, a pretty simple solution. Their answer was, "Ehh, I'll just wait until you do it". WHAT?! If I hadn't watched the show last night I might have just gone on, frustrated that I would have to go and solve this problem for them. But I remembered. I remembered the time I have put into these miraculous little humans. I remembered that I have been pooped on, peed on, thrown up on, sneezed on, boogered on, spit at, yelled at, kicked at, swung at, screamed at, bitten, hit, kicked, and I realized...I have done alot. I kept them alive, I kept them fed, I kept them comforted and safe. So, I responded to the beautiful little faces that live in my home, in the only way I felt appropriate, "Get out there and fix the problem yourselves, now!" They went. They now feel accomplished, and I know I'm doing a good job. Not to mention, I get to finish my morning cup of coffee.

Meet Xena

We've added a new member to our family. Xena the Warrior Princess. She's a cute little gal and we are so glad to have her.

She is a little sleepy from all the excitement.

Jefe and Xena getting to know each other.

So sleepy.

Do you think they are happy to have her?

Something On The Light Side

Now for some lighter topics. We went to see WALL-E this weekend. I've linked it to Dove.org for those who have kids and are interested in specific details.. If you haven't seen it yet, you may not want to read this. I'm not going to give away the ending or anything like that, but some people would rather not hear about it before they watch it.
Okay so my teen-ager works at the movie theater and was able to get some passes for us to go and see the movie WALL-E. It's a cute movie, if you are a kid who misses underlying messages. The characters were adorable and I really liked how they developed the relationship between to two main characters. However, I really could have done without the guilt trip at the beginning of the movie. Right off the bat you are hit with how much damage the human race is doing to the world. I'm not going to argue about the veracity of this statement, but I am going to argue that when I'm going to a theater to settle down for a time of relaxation and enjoyment with my family, I really don't want to be put on a guilt trip. I dodge guilt trips all day long from people who want what I can't give or won't because good sense demands I deny them their desires. Anyway, I ignored the whole feeling of guilt so it was wasted as far as I am concerned. The movie would have been cute without it. The only other thing that scared me was the humans. Our future is looked at in a very negative light and I was a little surprised that WALL-E didn't get any criticism for it's interpretation of the obesity issue and Kung-Fu Panda did. I don't get it. Anyway, the kids loved it and can't stop talking about it. I enjoyed it. It was cute and had some comical scenes, but do have to say that the highlight was the short movie before WALL-E. My hubby and I were laughing so hard we were shedding tears.

Rocky Balboa-isms

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! ~ Rocky Balboa

This week in class I got my butt kicked. I got hit so many times, I wanted to throw my helmet on the floor and demand that people stop hitting me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to quit. I felt weak and inadequate. Then, as I was about to give in to the urge to quit, I remembered this quote. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. A renewed sense of purpose filled my tired muscles and I finished the class. Such a foreshadowing of my week.

This week has been a rough one for my family and I admit, everything in me wants to stop moving forward. What's the point? What's the point of being strong, holding on to morals and values, what's the point of striving to hold on to convictions that seemingly have no place in this world? I want to throw my helmet down and demand that life quits hitting me, challenging my convictions, demeaning the morals and values I hold dear. But life will not tend to my request. Can I keep moving forward? Can my family keep moving forward? I have spent the week calling out to God, pleading that this cup before us be taken away. It's too painful to watch those I love ache with sorrow and pain, as I am helpless. I can do nothing. Please God, I changed my mind. It costs too much to follow you.....but ultimately not my will but Yours be done. My resignation to this truth, in my life, makes way for a renewed sense of strength to flood my soul, heart, and spirit muscles as I move forward.

Warning: Heavy Post

I have to warn you up front, this post is going to be heavy and vague, but I must vent to you. Have you ever had your ideas about someone shattered in a moment's notice? Have you ever looked at someone and realized you don't know them at all? I'm not talking about hubby so don't worry. Have you ever watched someone take all they have worked for and just throw it away? It's painful. It's heartbreaking. What do you do? What do you say?

Nothing Endures But Change

Things in our lives never go the way you expect. Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher, said this: Nothing endures but change. As I grow in my relationship with God I have noticed that He has a way of changing what I think about things. Let's take evangelism for example. I've always had this idea of evangelism as one of finding some poor lost soul to save, rescue, and deliver. I'm not so sure anymore that this is what I think. This week God is really calling me to explore five different phases He has been moving me through as I choose to be His tool in the lives of those around me. It is really messing with the way I see those who are lost and what role I play in those lives. I am learning more than I ever imagined and find myself both excited and apprehensive to move forward, but know that God has got a wonderful display of His glory waiting for me on the other side. I'm not going to post too much on this becuase it's really a personal experience I am having and it's not even worked out in me yet. God isn't done explaining it to me and I'd hate to present it incorrectly. If you are interested in hearing about it just grab me and I'll share it with you in person, but other than that I'll keep posting on the other things that are happening.

Wild Child

by Angie Whitby
There's as aspect of me I don't let show
She's getting quite frustrated
She schemes a way to get beyond
The room that I have gated
She's been there for so very long
I'm afraid she's grown quite wild
I despise her oh so very much
She behaves just like a child
But the day is coming, soon I fear
When she must be set free
I must embrace this untamed facet
If I am ever to be entirely me
Complete
Whole
Unique
Strange
Brave
Loved
Liberated

Waking The Dead Woman In Me

I've been reading this book titled "Waking the Dead" by John Eldredge. He's the same man who authored Wild at Heart, which is a good read for any man or woman married to a man. I highly recommend both books. "Waking the Dead" speaks of the desire in each of us to live a life full of purpose and adventure. Our truest selves are struggling to be truly alive and free. He suggests that we are conditioned to quiet, even quench that aspect of ourselves.
So far, I agree with his statements. I am a dramatic and passionate person. I have always been and am beginning to believe I always will be. It has been something I detest in myself. This aspect of my personality is one I have chained up and put in a closet to be kept quiet an unseen, lest someone think I am a little on the eccentric side. As I am exploring what it means to be a feral Christian, I realize I was wrong to have done this. God created me to be who I am and to deny myself that is to deny what He has created me to be. God created me to be passionate about my life. I ought not fight this fact. Let's take music, for example. It is a passion of mine. If I could have music following me around to create a soundtrack for my life, I would. When I think of any experience there is a song attached to to. When John and I think of how we fell in love we think of songs like "When I Fall In Love", "Always and Forever", and "In Your Eyes". When we think of the trials we went through when Isaac was born we think of "I Get Knocked Down" by Chumbawumba. When I think of my love affair with God I think of songs like "Now That You're Near", "Undignified", and "From the Inside Out". Music is a huge part of me and I have denied it. Why? Because it makes me feel weird to be so passionate about something as simple as notes and melodies and lyrics. But the reality is, I am weird, and that's okay.
Just for the record, I break into song at the drop of a hat, and when I'm ultimately inspired I write poetry. I'm sharing a poem I wrote two years ago, as my first step to exploring my ferality. Don't be too harsh.

Pictures from Mount Lemmon

Here's the view from where we sit.

Here's the view as we walk down.

Look closely and you can see the rain hitting the surface of the lake.

Isaac's triumphant return.

The sleet hits the windshield as we drive home.

Called on Account of Rain

So our mountain trip today was way cool. Sure we got rained out, but it was the coolest rain ever. Thunder...no lightning.
Hail and sleet.
Huge rain drops that pelted me on the head as I walked to the truck.
BUT...the relaxing part was so worth it.
Lying in a hammock for two hours.
Listening to the laughter of my children as they caught crawdads.
Soaking up the beauty of God's world. What more could one ask for? Maybe feeling a little better so I could have gone to small group, but I'll not be too upset about that one.

I Love Rocky!

Okay so those of you who know me, know I am a HUGE Rocky Balboa fan. The first three are great...the fourth is a little weak, but the final movie Balboa is just the icing (not the whipped cream junk, the full butter cream deliciousness) on the cake. I just watched it again for the fiftieth time and again I am inspired to go out and fight some unbeatable enemy regardless of my odds. In the movie Balboa, Rocky makes a statement that sums up our year so far.

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.

We are not on their knees. We are standing tall and confident in one thing...there is a God and He is taking care of us. Many of you know that our family has been going through the ringer during the last several months and have kept our family in your prayers. Thank you so much for that. God is answering prayers. He has taught us so much about our faith and our purpose in our community. He has allowed us to experience the love that surrounds us almost daily. The world may beat us to our knees, but now we understand that we are not obligated to stay there, because our God is supernatural.

Conviction Often Leads To Courage

My reading took me to Acts 23 yesterday and what I read got me to thinking...yes again. I think too much, is what you're thinking right? Anyway, the previous chapter ended with Paul preparing to address a mob, in Jerusalem, who wanted him dead. His friends had pleaded him not to go. They all knew what awaited him in Jerusalem. And yet he went. As Paul's speech is delivered I got a sense of something that struck my heart to the core. Paul's choices of courage were not a result of a random desire to leave his mark on the world. He believed in Jesus. He believed in the power of God. He had seen what that power had done in his life and he was convinced that everyone needed to know about this power. He had been convicted of sin and sentenced to a life of death, until the love of God flooded his life and transformed him into a man of passion for God. His heart had been changed. His heart to kill and destroy was now a heart set on life and restoration. His thoughts had been to squelch the message of Jesus. They were now thoughts of keeping the message alive at any cost. I have often wished I was a woman of courage and wondered how one becomes such a person. I now realize it has nothing to do with my desire to be courageous, it has more to do with what I passionately believe. My passionate belief about something will lead my actions regardless of my fears and hesitations.

Being Brave Isn't Always Comfortable

Have you ever made the choice to do something and then realized you were anxious to actually do it? Yeah, I'm there right now. I know it's the right choice, but that the unknown of how this choice will affect our family makes me reconsider. It's an uncomfortable feeling. I don't like it. I wish I could talk myself out of it, but I've already set up some safety measures to hold myself to it. I've sabotaged myself. I've made it impossible to weasel out of it and not look like a coward. Being brave is something everyone aspires to, but actually taking the road of bravery is uncomfortable. I guess if it were comfortable, more people would do it, right? So maybe I'm on the right path. If not, it will be a good lesson.

Blood Donor

I'm an official blood donor. My kids saw a swarm of people crossing the street as we drove to their theater camp and asked what a blood donor was. I explained blood donors in seven and nine year old terms. Their next question was, "Have you done that, Mom?". Of course that was the next question, right? I responded that I had once long ago, but probably should do it again. They agreed and asked if I would turn the music back up. I was going to blow it off, but something in me (most likely my conscious) urged me not to blow it off. So, after I dropped the kids off at theater camp, I headed over to the neighborhood Red Cross and donated. There I found out that the walkers were people who volunteered or worked for the Red Cross. I also learned that they were walking to bring attention to the fact that the local chapter of the American Red Cross needs 23,000 donors for the summer supply. I'm proud to have brought the number down to 22,999. We, as a family, always talk about giving back to our community. It's kind of nice to know that I have actively done it, and I'm scheduled to do it again in 8 weeks.

Pressed On Every Side

The thing I love about martial arts, is that it gives me a physical frame of reference on certain aspects of spiritual combat. Today I had to do an exercise where I am at center of two lines. Each person in the line takes turns attacking me and I am to defend. They only get one shot, but they are prepared to attack as I am not. It was intense but exhilarating as I turned to meet each attacker. At first I felt barraged and wanted to pull the old lady card and excuse myself from the exercise, but found myself pushing past that feeling, into the ready stance. It dawned on me that I just needed to know that I was being attacked and that at every turn I must prepare myself to defend against the attack. It brought to my memory this verse, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" 2 Corinthians 4:8-9. The enemy of my heart is going to attack when I am not prepared. My best defense against this is not to wish for a cease fire, but to be prepared to defend. Be prepared to fight back. Be prepared to be pressed on every side.

Assassination or Negligent Homicide

I said something yesterday that has me thinking. I told someone that I once had a dream and I was told I would not be able to ever achieve my dream. I went on to explain that I had accepted their words and accepted that I would not be able to achieve my dream. REALLY! I did that. Now, I am wondering, did I sell out on my dream? Did I give up with no fight? Isn't that contrary to who I am striving to be? Did I let that person assassinate my dream or did it die of my negligence? I'm going to have to think about this one some more.

Life Stories

I awake this morning with a slight sushi and chocolate hangover and realize, I have shared my life story with someone. I knew I was doing it. I was slightly intoxicated with the comforting flavors of a yummi-yummi roll or was it the rich chocolate sauce of the chocolate volcano. I can't decide now. Nonetheless, it was a conscious decision. We spoke with our dear friends about life stories and why we don't share them. We spoke of the significance of our life stories in our faith and their importance to our community of faith. I didn't intend to share my story and I was really trying to find a way to avoid the whole matter all together, but found myself sharing it regardless. My husband pointed out that we often hesitate to share our stories for fear that we will be judged, criticized, or blackmailed. I have to agree with him. But as I put more thought into it this morning I realize that my greatest fear is that my story will invoke feelings of pity. Why is that such a bad thing? Why wouldn't I want those things? And as those questions emerge my lips I am immediately enlightened, I want no part of pity and I want none offered to me. Someone once told me long ago and I hold this to be true in my life...pity is crippling to one who wishes to overcome. I endeavor to overcome any cruelty, injustice, pain, or loss I have experienced, and transform those experiences into strength and beauty in my life. What I desire has only to do with respect for what I've allowed God to do in me, admiration that I have not quit, and inspiration that if someone like me can make a comeback, you can too.

Waking the Dead

I'm reading John Eldredge's book Waking The Dead and I can feel the revolutionary in me beginning to be stirred up. I don't know if it's a mid-life crisis or what happens to a person before they start making thier life count for God, you can judge that for yourself. However, the view he presents on the life of a person who is in a passionate love affair with the Most High is starting to awaken something in me that has been silent for quite some time. For the first time, since I was a kid, I am beginning to hope that maybe one person can change the world. Maybe there is a place for a person as intense and passionate as I am. Maybe I can use my power for good instead of evil.
Here's an excerpt...

Yes, the heart is the source of our emotions. but we have equated the heart with emotion, and put it away for a messy and even dangerous guide.....Emotions are the voice of the heart, to borrow Chip Dodd's phrase. Not the heart, but its voice. They express the deeper movements of the heart, as when we weep over the loss of someone we love, or when we cheer at the triumph of a son's team at the state championships. The mind stands detached, but it is with the heart that we experience and respond to life in all it's fullness. Francis de Sales said, "Love is the life of our heart. According to it we desire, rejoice, hope and despair, fear, take heart, hate, avoid things, feel sad, grow angry, and exult."
John Eldredge ~ Waking the Dead

Stop Whining, Start Living

I just finished Laura Schlesinger's book titled Stop Whining, Start Living and I think it is a great read for anyone on the planet. One would think the book discusses easy ways to overcome a whining personality, but I found it to be quite the contrary. Dr. Schlesinger took a practical approach to life's situations and the necessity to distinguish how much time is healthy to mull and maybe whine over their occurrence. It also provided some ideas on how to shift perspective on life's situations. My favorite example is this. Your husband doesn't clean up after himself. It makes you angry. You can either whine about it, which is sometimes what I do or you can imagine a life without him. You can image that the house is immaculately clean without him. He is not there. For me that is a huge loss and to give up my husband for a clean house is ludicrous. A clean house would mean my husbands hugs, kisses, reassuring words, and laughter were gone. A few items to pick up here and there, so worth it. That is just one example. There are many. She has a straightforward approach that may sting from time to time, but if you stick with it you just may find she has a bit of wisdom you might want to apply to your life.

Rose Canyon

This weekend was a very relaxing one. I lounged around all day Saturday, which was nice, but left me feeling a little lazy. So, I redeemed myself, by making half-cooked chocolate cookie bars. Yeah, that hit the spot. We lounged by the pool most of the evening making it a completely unproductive day. Well, I take that back, I rejuvenated myself and was now ready to take on Sunday. What happened Sunday? Well, we headed to Rose Canyon to fish and relax. Now I have to admit, relaxing proved to be a little more difficult that anticipated at picturesque Rose Canyon. My children quickly took up the fine art of crawdad fishing. It was more like trapping than fishing, but let's not get into technicalities, okay. Anyway, the first hour was noisy! I was stunned by the group beside us who yelled, screamed, shrieked, whatever you want to call it, at every crawdad my kids caught. Not to mention the crying babies, who I imagined, just wanted to go home. It wasn't all bad, once they settled down, I was able to relax and enjoy the peaceful noises of the lake and the wind blowing through the trees. We will definitely have to do that again. I am finding, I am more of a nature girl than I imagined I would ever be.

Don't worry, no crawdads were killed during this fishing trip. They may be missing claws, but there were no fatalities.