Did I say I would pray? That wasn't me.
Okay, so for those of you keeping track at home, count me & prayer 0-1. It's so easy to get caught up in the daily grind. I started off on a good foot, started out praying, and then....life happened. And I don't know about you, but when life happens to me, it's my cue to grab the wheel from God and start swerving all over the road to avoid those things that are in my way or to RAM them down. Next time, I'll do better. I hope...
Nagging vs. Praying
I've been reading the Bill Hybels book Too Busy Not Too Pray and right off the bat he tells the story of the widow who pesters the unjust judge to get justice. If you're not familiar with the story, she gets him to give her justice. Unfortunately, the comparison in my mind has always been that I am to be like the nagging widow. I will need to pester God to get what I want. Who wants to do that? Not me. I have too much nagging I am already doing. I nag my children, I nag my husband, I nag myself. I am full on my nagging quota and I am tired of hearing myself. I mean really, I am tired of hearing the things that come out of my mind. However, Hybels suggests that we are not the nagging widow, and God is not an unjust judge. He wants me to bring my stuff to Him. He wants to help me. I won't have to nag to get Him to listen to me. So, I've decided. I know, it sounds so easy right? But I'm that kind of gal. I decided I'm going to start praying about the things that torment my mind on a daily basis, and I have lots of them. I'll start off with two daily challenges, to get me into the habit. I know God will keep His end of the bargain, the challenge will be ME.
Romans 12:12 says, Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Colossians 4:2 says Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.
1 Thessalonians 5:17 says pray continually
So if I am to do this I must be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer, I must devote myself to prayer, being watchful and thankful, and I am to pray continually. Yeah, already I have some doubts. I'll have to take this one day at a time. Who knows, it most likely will work.
Romans 12:12 says, Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Colossians 4:2 says Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.
1 Thessalonians 5:17 says pray continually
So if I am to do this I must be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer, I must devote myself to prayer, being watchful and thankful, and I am to pray continually. Yeah, already I have some doubts. I'll have to take this one day at a time. Who knows, it most likely will work.
PERFECT LOVE
I was at a retreat not too long ago and I heard Beth Moore speak on Loving Well. Her premise was that we are called to love as Christ loved. The point, Beth made, the one I have been pondering this weekend is this: He is perfect. Thus His love is perfect. The way HE loves is perfect. He does
not wake up one morning and say "If Angie screws up one more time, that's it. I'm zapping her and she is gone." No! He ALWAYS loves me. His love endures forever (Psalms 136:2). The way He demonstrates His love for me is perfect. His level of love for me is always the same.
My ability to love is not. I can wake up one morning and decide I am not in the mood to love. And so my day begins. Those days usually are my worst. It's this whole premise of acting out of my feelings that I have decided is ruining my quality of life. I'm trying to act out of my emotion and my emotion is fleeting. I am made in God's image, but I am imperfect, and so my ability to love and show love is imperfect. As I spoke with my husband we came to this conclusion. I want to be a godly woman. I want to wake up with that desire everyday. This NEVER happens. I've been waiting for the feeling to arise in me and it does not come. I am trying to make my feeling match my desire when I should be pursuing my desire to be a godly woman regardless of the feeling. So what if I make the decision to wake up and be a godly woman, regardless of the feeling. What if I decide every morning that I am going to make the choices a godly woman would make. I am going to behave as a godly woman before the feeling shows up.
I realize this sounds a little simple and a little too easy. If that is so, then take the challenge with me. If it sounds so easy, do it with me. Let's see what kind of people it makes us. I'm a little nervous, since the feeling to back this up is no where in site, but what I have been doing isn't working. What have I got to lose?
not wake up one morning and say "If Angie screws up one more time, that's it. I'm zapping her and she is gone." No! He ALWAYS loves me. His love endures forever (Psalms 136:2). The way He demonstrates His love for me is perfect. His level of love for me is always the same.
My ability to love is not. I can wake up one morning and decide I am not in the mood to love. And so my day begins. Those days usually are my worst. It's this whole premise of acting out of my feelings that I have decided is ruining my quality of life. I'm trying to act out of my emotion and my emotion is fleeting. I am made in God's image, but I am imperfect, and so my ability to love and show love is imperfect. As I spoke with my husband we came to this conclusion. I want to be a godly woman. I want to wake up with that desire everyday. This NEVER happens. I've been waiting for the feeling to arise in me and it does not come. I am trying to make my feeling match my desire when I should be pursuing my desire to be a godly woman regardless of the feeling. So what if I make the decision to wake up and be a godly woman, regardless of the feeling. What if I decide every morning that I am going to make the choices a godly woman would make. I am going to behave as a godly woman before the feeling shows up.
I realize this sounds a little simple and a little too easy. If that is so, then take the challenge with me. If it sounds so easy, do it with me. Let's see what kind of people it makes us. I'm a little nervous, since the feeling to back this up is no where in site, but what I have been doing isn't working. What have I got to lose?
Too Much
As I'm going through this week, I'm wondering how this word "feral" fits into my Christianity. I hear so many comments made about how peaceful Jesus was and how calming his presence must have been. Is this true? When you think about it, He did some pretty loud, controversial, far fetched things. Turning the money changers table over is just ONE example. Is it possible to be peaceful without being quiet and mild mannered? Is it possible to live life on the edge with God and have a spirit of peace? Is this what we as Christians are challenged to find? I don't know. I'd like to find out. I'll let you know how it goes. All I have to say is that life on the edge so far is proving to be more interesting than what I normally do. When I lay my head on my pillow at night I am truly spent.
Feral - Having returned to an untamed state from domestication
I've spent way too much time picking out my blog name. Is this a sign that I have become to organized, too controlled, and perhaps, too tamed? My choice is appropriate, at least I think so, and since it is my blog, my opinion is the only one that matters in this bloggers paradise I have created for myself. I believe I am going to begin an unnerving journey into a state of untamed Christianity. I have spent the better part of my life trying to tame myself and bring myself under control, an uphill battle I still haven't won, only to find that I must lose myself to truly find God. Imagine an ear shattering scream that pierces the core of your being! That would be me. The balloon of my carefully orchestrated world has been inconsiderately popped with the world's largest needle. I have no idea where this will take me. I don't know many women who are pursuing a wildness within themselves. Wildness is meant only for the men in the "religious" world. However, why would a desire to battle, to conquer, to fight, to wage holy war exist inside of me if I was not meant to investigate it? I no longer have the energy to suppress this aspect of my personality. I have fought it for nearly 33 years and I no longer have the energy to fight. A bittersweet surrender is taking place within the depths of my being. I fear what will happen to the me I once was. Meanwhile I am eager to discover what will happen on this journey to feral Christianity.