This week I've put my actions behind my words. I heard a quote at the beginning of the week and decided to put it into action. Angie paraphrase "The best way to develop confidence in kids is to allow them to struggle through a difficult task until they succeed." It was one of those quotes that I heard and thought "That is so true and so many parents don't do it." It was at this moment that a little voice inside challenged me..."Neither do you." OUCH! Everything in me fought against this. Yes I do. I do allow my children to struggle through difficult tasks. But then I got to thinking...then why do they lack confidence? I allow them to struggle with it, but I don't allow them to struggle until they succeed. So I've been challenging the kids to different things and staying out of the way so they can succeed. They have done well. I've noticed a little bit of confidence beginning to emerge and it's really cool to watch happen. However, the proof was in the happenings of last night. Each child had a task they DID NOT want to complete. The children have studied me and know the fastest way to get out of the work they are supposed to do. How do I know, their tactics were precise and effective last night and I nearly gave in.
Elisa continued to stall and allow herself to be distracted from her task. She came out of the office every 5 minutes to pet the dog, ask what was going on, even the shameless tactic of "Mommy, I love you, I just need a hug cause this is so hard." She's good. Everything in me wanted to jump in and help her focus. Thank God my husband was there, because I kept myself in check knowing he would hold me accountable to what I had been purposing to do. Isaac's approach is different. He plays on my emotions and my sympathies for his feelings. He whines, complains, he may even start to cry, and then finally diverts attention from the task at hand with jokes or physical humor. Everything in me wanted to tell him to quit and just go to bed. But again, my husband was working with him, and I knew he would hold me accountable to what I had been purposing to do. So, I distracted myself with Facebook comments and Sudoko puzzles. I kept silent and did nothing. They each succeeded at their tasks and both walked away from their tasks feeling a little taller. It was so amazing to watch them in the giddiness of their success. It did bring a tear to my eye.
I learned something about myself last night, though. I'm not trying to make their lives easier, I'm trying to make my life easier. I do not like to hear the whining, complaining, and crying they do. It makes me feel like a bad parent. I begin to hear lies of "What a mean parent you are. Why don't you just help them, you know they can't do it alone. They are going to grow up hating you and write books about you. They'll end up on Oprah's couch talking about what a heartless mother you were. Yup...You suck as a mother." I know they are lies right now, but in the heat of the moment I am almost paralyzed by them. I am just so thankful that God gave me the strength last night to allow them the opportunity to develop confidence and that he helped me to bust the guilt that I was trying to embrace. Good lessons, hard lessons, but good nonetheless.
Struggles Provide Confidence Growing Opportunities
I remember the day John & I brought each of the children home from the hospital/birth center. Different thoughts and emotions were present with each child. With Isaac, joy, fear, worry, doubt, confusion, and relief that he was finally home, as he was born sick and didn't come home until nearly a month after delivery. With Elisa, I felt excited, nervous, at peace, scared, and impatient to get on to the business of parenting. Each of these experiences fostered responses in me, responses that have molded my parenting technique. One response has gotten me into a bit of trouble. "I will make life easier for my children." WHAT!? I think the pain of life ,often, is so much to bear that we wish it away. We forget how we have grown, matured, been imaginative, loved, learned, and found treasures of friendship and strength that one cannot gain without pain. I've cheated my children out of that experience. I've asked my husband to do the same. He, of course, usually ignores my request, thank God. I heard someone say yesterday that the way you grow confidence in your kids is to allow them to struggle with the things of their life until they succeed at them. So, I put the idea to the test yesterday. I allowed each of my children to do a difficult task. I allowed them to struggle with it until they succeeded. It was difficult for ME! I wanted to move them aside and take over. I wanted to ease the frustration they were experiencing. BUT the thing I found was most prevalent, I wanted to END THE WHINING! Whoa! Maybe my desire to make life easier comes from the desire to make my life easier? I didn't like that realization. They finally succeeded and guess what, they did feel confident. I've known that pain and difficult situations in my life provide an opportunity to grow, I now need to transfer that train of thought over to my parenting.
Day 15 of The 30 Day Sex Challenge
The 30 Day Challenge...WOW! My heart is so full. I'm not sure how to start this particular post. I've got so much in my heart to share and don't want to overwhelm anyone with it. But I'll just take one thought at a time and see what happens.
So this Saturday the pastor man and his beautiful (both internally & externally) wife covered the topic of sex. I know, in church? They covered this tricky topic and did a good job. It was a bit awkward at times, but it went well. I think the church stays too silent on the topic of sex and what God desires of married couples and FOR married couples. He created sex to be a connection of two hearts and souls and often our society uses it as nothing more than a handshake. How sad is that? But that isn't what I wanted to focus on. However, here is a link to the message if you want to check it out. Be prepared, it's not what you're normally going to hear. Check it out, it's a good series.
The idea of the 30 Day Sex Challenge was a little daunting for me. I love the physical relationship with my husband, but I knew that God was going to do something in my heart and mind during this season. I wasn't sure I wanted to allow Him to do that work. I've avoided it for nearly two decades. I wasn't quite sure what I was avoiding, but I knew I did not want to look at it. I was, terrified of what we would find there. As we move into day 15 of the challenge, I'm glad I have opened my heart to it. I have found ugliness; self hatred, fear, and confusion. But what I have also found truth and in that truth I have found FREEDOM! My heart, during this series, has been for those who have been wounded by the enemy's version of sex. The abuse, the pain, the selfishness, and ultimately the devastation that happens when the enemy takes what God created and twists it for his own purposes. I am a survivor, no a warrior and victor of this version of sex. The details are unimportant to me now, but what is important is that God is continually healing my heart and mind from the bondage's that once kept me hostage. Why am I bringing it up, because I realize there are many who have been wounded deeply in the same way. Many of you find it difficult to enjoy the relationship God has given you in marriage. Many of you find it hard to open your heart to God and to your spouse. Many of you live with the fear that often accompanies these chains. I know I can't change it for you, but I do know someone who can. Even now as I continue with these words, I ask myself, "What do you think you can do about it? This is a blog. What difference will it make?" Maybe none, but maybe, just maybe it will help you. Maybe you will read these words and maybe you know the desire to be free from the pain of it all. Jesus! Maybe you're tired of reliving the memories. Jesus! Maybe you just want it all to finally be over, the pain, the hurt, the mistrust, the anger. Jesus! Jesus, my friend, will answer. He'll be there. I wish I could do more, but maybe this is all I am supposed to do for now. I pray for you and know that God is so powerful and able to do great things in your life. I know He's done great things in mine.
So this Saturday the pastor man and his beautiful (both internally & externally) wife covered the topic of sex. I know, in church? They covered this tricky topic and did a good job. It was a bit awkward at times, but it went well. I think the church stays too silent on the topic of sex and what God desires of married couples and FOR married couples. He created sex to be a connection of two hearts and souls and often our society uses it as nothing more than a handshake. How sad is that? But that isn't what I wanted to focus on. However, here is a link to the message if you want to check it out. Be prepared, it's not what you're normally going to hear. Check it out, it's a good series.
The idea of the 30 Day Sex Challenge was a little daunting for me. I love the physical relationship with my husband, but I knew that God was going to do something in my heart and mind during this season. I wasn't sure I wanted to allow Him to do that work. I've avoided it for nearly two decades. I wasn't quite sure what I was avoiding, but I knew I did not want to look at it. I was, terrified of what we would find there. As we move into day 15 of the challenge, I'm glad I have opened my heart to it. I have found ugliness; self hatred, fear, and confusion. But what I have also found truth and in that truth I have found FREEDOM! My heart, during this series, has been for those who have been wounded by the enemy's version of sex. The abuse, the pain, the selfishness, and ultimately the devastation that happens when the enemy takes what God created and twists it for his own purposes. I am a survivor, no a warrior and victor of this version of sex. The details are unimportant to me now, but what is important is that God is continually healing my heart and mind from the bondage's that once kept me hostage. Why am I bringing it up, because I realize there are many who have been wounded deeply in the same way. Many of you find it difficult to enjoy the relationship God has given you in marriage. Many of you find it hard to open your heart to God and to your spouse. Many of you live with the fear that often accompanies these chains. I know I can't change it for you, but I do know someone who can. Even now as I continue with these words, I ask myself, "What do you think you can do about it? This is a blog. What difference will it make?" Maybe none, but maybe, just maybe it will help you. Maybe you will read these words and maybe you know the desire to be free from the pain of it all. Jesus! Maybe you're tired of reliving the memories. Jesus! Maybe you just want it all to finally be over, the pain, the hurt, the mistrust, the anger. Jesus! Jesus, my friend, will answer. He'll be there. I wish I could do more, but maybe this is all I am supposed to do for now. I pray for you and know that God is so powerful and able to do great things in your life. I know He's done great things in mine.
The Winner in My Reality
What do you do when you start to get bogged down with your reality? Okay maybe that doesn't make sense...let's try it this way.
You're having a great day. It's nice and cool. The wind on your face has hints of winter in it. The smell of cooler weather teases. Summer is almost gone. You can feel it. You feel re-energized. This has been a good day. Then REALITY hits you. Maybe it's an illness, maybe it's a difficult relationship, maybe it's a situation you have been ignoring, no matter what it is...it hits you and steals the joy you felt just seconds ago. You begin to think about the reality of your life and begin to feel weighted down with it. It almost seems unbearable. It's suffocating the joy from your life. What do you do in that moment? Do you have a plan?
As you may have guessed it's been a rough morning, but I'm getting through it and winning the battle. I have made a plan and have a strategy to get through these mornings. I still struggle sometimes, who doesn't? But I remember the days when I lost more than I won and I wondered, do you have those days? Do you lose more than you win? Do you have a plan, a strategy?
I'd like to share mine with you. This morning my son had a seizure...he has epilepsy. His seizures are so infrequent that it is almost easy to forget he has it. And then mornings, like this morning happen and reality hits us. It isn't that I fear for his life, God has promised me that he will be fine. I don't know what that means and I don't know how He will keep that promise, but I know that He never fails on His promises. But I do have a sense of guilt after mornings like the one I had today. "Could I have prevented it? Could I have done something different? Should I have sent him to school afterward? Will he be emotionally scarred? Will he be okay?" I begin to forget that God has it in His control. So what do I do?
1. Remember God's promise and that He is faithful.
2. I listen to some Kirk Franklin fighting music. It changes my mindset from victim to predator. I will not be the victim of my reality, I will be the VICTOR.
3. I share my thoughts with God. Many times if I vocalize them, they don't sound so crazy anymore. OR sometimes I realize how silly my thoughts are and am able to turn them over to God.
4. I find some way to do something for someone else. This gets my focus off of myself and my reality.
5. I remember that my feelings are not reality and work very hard not to make any decisions based on my feelings. Feelings are fleeting and come and go with the wind.
I hope that helps. It's helped me. If you haven't noticed, I'm working steps 3 and 4 with this here blog.
Now, I'm ready to go and take on my day and be the winner in my reality.
GO GOD!
You're having a great day. It's nice and cool. The wind on your face has hints of winter in it. The smell of cooler weather teases. Summer is almost gone. You can feel it. You feel re-energized. This has been a good day. Then REALITY hits you. Maybe it's an illness, maybe it's a difficult relationship, maybe it's a situation you have been ignoring, no matter what it is...it hits you and steals the joy you felt just seconds ago. You begin to think about the reality of your life and begin to feel weighted down with it. It almost seems unbearable. It's suffocating the joy from your life. What do you do in that moment? Do you have a plan?
As you may have guessed it's been a rough morning, but I'm getting through it and winning the battle. I have made a plan and have a strategy to get through these mornings. I still struggle sometimes, who doesn't? But I remember the days when I lost more than I won and I wondered, do you have those days? Do you lose more than you win? Do you have a plan, a strategy?
I'd like to share mine with you. This morning my son had a seizure...he has epilepsy. His seizures are so infrequent that it is almost easy to forget he has it. And then mornings, like this morning happen and reality hits us. It isn't that I fear for his life, God has promised me that he will be fine. I don't know what that means and I don't know how He will keep that promise, but I know that He never fails on His promises. But I do have a sense of guilt after mornings like the one I had today. "Could I have prevented it? Could I have done something different? Should I have sent him to school afterward? Will he be emotionally scarred? Will he be okay?" I begin to forget that God has it in His control. So what do I do?
1. Remember God's promise and that He is faithful.
2. I listen to some Kirk Franklin fighting music. It changes my mindset from victim to predator. I will not be the victim of my reality, I will be the VICTOR.
3. I share my thoughts with God. Many times if I vocalize them, they don't sound so crazy anymore. OR sometimes I realize how silly my thoughts are and am able to turn them over to God.
4. I find some way to do something for someone else. This gets my focus off of myself and my reality.
5. I remember that my feelings are not reality and work very hard not to make any decisions based on my feelings. Feelings are fleeting and come and go with the wind.
I hope that helps. It's helped me. If you haven't noticed, I'm working steps 3 and 4 with this here blog.
Now, I'm ready to go and take on my day and be the winner in my reality.
GO GOD!
Excuse Me...A 30 Day What Challenge?
Now that the 10 +10 challenge has come to an end...we're on to another challenge. I know, another one, but I kind of like this one...okay I really like this one. The people of our church have been asked to consider a challenge...a 30 day challenge. There is one for the singles...all the single ladies, all the single ladies...okay let's focus. There is also one for the marrieds. It is a 30 day Sex Challenge. Okay, wait. Before anyone starts guffawing or chafing, hear me out. I'm married, so I will pontificate (it's my new word and I had to use it) from a married perspective. We're on day 8 and it is so much more than sex. It's intimacy on a new level, a God level. It's creating a time to be open to hearing the heart of your spouse. It is opening yourself up to understanding what God says about your marriage. It's also providing a time to be heard and understood, by the person to whom you've committed your life. John and I have always said that DEATH is the only way out of our marriage. It's a great motivator for conflict resolution, since neither one of us has been ready to die for any conflict we've ever had. However, it is my hope that I am the kind of wife that grows and learns and is a proper companion to my husband. I do not want to just bide my time in a loveless marriage where I am not understood, known, or investigated. I want to experience all that marriage has to offer, but in order to do that, I must be willing to put effort into the experience. As I said, we are only on day 8, but already God is doing some much needed healing in my heart. I look forward to where we will stand on day 30. Keep in mind, I am speaking from a woman's perspective on the matter, so if you are a guy and want a man's perspective on this challenge, talk to my husband. But ladies, don't cheat yourself out of the love of a godly man. Consider the challenge. I'm pretty sure you're husband will be open to this challenge. 30 Day Sex Challenge? I don't want to be stereotypical, but what husband is going to turn that down? I'm just saying....
Summary of the 10 +10 Challenge
The 10 + 10 challenge is over and I have to agree with my pastor, it has changed my life. It has changed my perspectives on things and that is changing my life and how I live it.
Here are just a few of the changed perspectives.
- My marriage
~ Old perspective – I'll just pray that John figures out what we're supposed to do
~ New perspective – God show us what it is you're trying to teach us.
- My parenting
~ Old perspective – I hope my kids don't embarrass me with their behavior.
~ New perspective – God help us to teach our children about Your love for them, so that they will one day embrace our faith in You as their own.
- My friendships
~ Old perspective – How come no one ever notices when I'm having a hard day. No one cares.
~ New perspective – Which one of my friends needs an example of God's love today? God, use me to remind them how much You love them.
I like the changes I am seeing in myself and the environment around me. It's amazing how internally I had begun to think and how my surroundings were suffering because I was not available to help God meet needs. I know I have a long way to go, but I'm glad I'm no longer wasting time contemplating the importance of my navel and aware of the work God has for me to do.