Nothing Endures But Change

Things in our lives never go the way you expect. Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher, said this: Nothing endures but change. As I grow in my relationship with God I have noticed that He has a way of changing what I think about things. Let's take evangelism for example. I've always had this idea of evangelism as one of finding some poor lost soul to save, rescue, and deliver. I'm not so sure anymore that this is what I think. This week God is really calling me to explore five different phases He has been moving me through as I choose to be His tool in the lives of those around me. It is really messing with the way I see those who are lost and what role I play in those lives. I am learning more than I ever imagined and find myself both excited and apprehensive to move forward, but know that God has got a wonderful display of His glory waiting for me on the other side. I'm not going to post too much on this becuase it's really a personal experience I am having and it's not even worked out in me yet. God isn't done explaining it to me and I'd hate to present it incorrectly. If you are interested in hearing about it just grab me and I'll share it with you in person, but other than that I'll keep posting on the other things that are happening.

Wild Child

by Angie Whitby
There's as aspect of me I don't let show
She's getting quite frustrated
She schemes a way to get beyond
The room that I have gated
She's been there for so very long
I'm afraid she's grown quite wild
I despise her oh so very much
She behaves just like a child
But the day is coming, soon I fear
When she must be set free
I must embrace this untamed facet
If I am ever to be entirely me
Complete
Whole
Unique
Strange
Brave
Loved
Liberated

Waking The Dead Woman In Me

I've been reading this book titled "Waking the Dead" by John Eldredge. He's the same man who authored Wild at Heart, which is a good read for any man or woman married to a man. I highly recommend both books. "Waking the Dead" speaks of the desire in each of us to live a life full of purpose and adventure. Our truest selves are struggling to be truly alive and free. He suggests that we are conditioned to quiet, even quench that aspect of ourselves.
So far, I agree with his statements. I am a dramatic and passionate person. I have always been and am beginning to believe I always will be. It has been something I detest in myself. This aspect of my personality is one I have chained up and put in a closet to be kept quiet an unseen, lest someone think I am a little on the eccentric side. As I am exploring what it means to be a feral Christian, I realize I was wrong to have done this. God created me to be who I am and to deny myself that is to deny what He has created me to be. God created me to be passionate about my life. I ought not fight this fact. Let's take music, for example. It is a passion of mine. If I could have music following me around to create a soundtrack for my life, I would. When I think of any experience there is a song attached to to. When John and I think of how we fell in love we think of songs like "When I Fall In Love", "Always and Forever", and "In Your Eyes". When we think of the trials we went through when Isaac was born we think of "I Get Knocked Down" by Chumbawumba. When I think of my love affair with God I think of songs like "Now That You're Near", "Undignified", and "From the Inside Out". Music is a huge part of me and I have denied it. Why? Because it makes me feel weird to be so passionate about something as simple as notes and melodies and lyrics. But the reality is, I am weird, and that's okay.
Just for the record, I break into song at the drop of a hat, and when I'm ultimately inspired I write poetry. I'm sharing a poem I wrote two years ago, as my first step to exploring my ferality. Don't be too harsh.

Pictures from Mount Lemmon

Here's the view from where we sit.

Here's the view as we walk down.

Look closely and you can see the rain hitting the surface of the lake.

Isaac's triumphant return.

The sleet hits the windshield as we drive home.

Called on Account of Rain

So our mountain trip today was way cool. Sure we got rained out, but it was the coolest rain ever. Thunder...no lightning.
Hail and sleet.
Huge rain drops that pelted me on the head as I walked to the truck.
BUT...the relaxing part was so worth it.
Lying in a hammock for two hours.
Listening to the laughter of my children as they caught crawdads.
Soaking up the beauty of God's world. What more could one ask for? Maybe feeling a little better so I could have gone to small group, but I'll not be too upset about that one.

I Love Rocky!

Okay so those of you who know me, know I am a HUGE Rocky Balboa fan. The first three are great...the fourth is a little weak, but the final movie Balboa is just the icing (not the whipped cream junk, the full butter cream deliciousness) on the cake. I just watched it again for the fiftieth time and again I am inspired to go out and fight some unbeatable enemy regardless of my odds. In the movie Balboa, Rocky makes a statement that sums up our year so far.

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.

We are not on their knees. We are standing tall and confident in one thing...there is a God and He is taking care of us. Many of you know that our family has been going through the ringer during the last several months and have kept our family in your prayers. Thank you so much for that. God is answering prayers. He has taught us so much about our faith and our purpose in our community. He has allowed us to experience the love that surrounds us almost daily. The world may beat us to our knees, but now we understand that we are not obligated to stay there, because our God is supernatural.

Conviction Often Leads To Courage

My reading took me to Acts 23 yesterday and what I read got me to thinking...yes again. I think too much, is what you're thinking right? Anyway, the previous chapter ended with Paul preparing to address a mob, in Jerusalem, who wanted him dead. His friends had pleaded him not to go. They all knew what awaited him in Jerusalem. And yet he went. As Paul's speech is delivered I got a sense of something that struck my heart to the core. Paul's choices of courage were not a result of a random desire to leave his mark on the world. He believed in Jesus. He believed in the power of God. He had seen what that power had done in his life and he was convinced that everyone needed to know about this power. He had been convicted of sin and sentenced to a life of death, until the love of God flooded his life and transformed him into a man of passion for God. His heart had been changed. His heart to kill and destroy was now a heart set on life and restoration. His thoughts had been to squelch the message of Jesus. They were now thoughts of keeping the message alive at any cost. I have often wished I was a woman of courage and wondered how one becomes such a person. I now realize it has nothing to do with my desire to be courageous, it has more to do with what I passionately believe. My passionate belief about something will lead my actions regardless of my fears and hesitations.

Being Brave Isn't Always Comfortable

Have you ever made the choice to do something and then realized you were anxious to actually do it? Yeah, I'm there right now. I know it's the right choice, but that the unknown of how this choice will affect our family makes me reconsider. It's an uncomfortable feeling. I don't like it. I wish I could talk myself out of it, but I've already set up some safety measures to hold myself to it. I've sabotaged myself. I've made it impossible to weasel out of it and not look like a coward. Being brave is something everyone aspires to, but actually taking the road of bravery is uncomfortable. I guess if it were comfortable, more people would do it, right? So maybe I'm on the right path. If not, it will be a good lesson.

Blood Donor

I'm an official blood donor. My kids saw a swarm of people crossing the street as we drove to their theater camp and asked what a blood donor was. I explained blood donors in seven and nine year old terms. Their next question was, "Have you done that, Mom?". Of course that was the next question, right? I responded that I had once long ago, but probably should do it again. They agreed and asked if I would turn the music back up. I was going to blow it off, but something in me (most likely my conscious) urged me not to blow it off. So, after I dropped the kids off at theater camp, I headed over to the neighborhood Red Cross and donated. There I found out that the walkers were people who volunteered or worked for the Red Cross. I also learned that they were walking to bring attention to the fact that the local chapter of the American Red Cross needs 23,000 donors for the summer supply. I'm proud to have brought the number down to 22,999. We, as a family, always talk about giving back to our community. It's kind of nice to know that I have actively done it, and I'm scheduled to do it again in 8 weeks.

Pressed On Every Side

The thing I love about martial arts, is that it gives me a physical frame of reference on certain aspects of spiritual combat. Today I had to do an exercise where I am at center of two lines. Each person in the line takes turns attacking me and I am to defend. They only get one shot, but they are prepared to attack as I am not. It was intense but exhilarating as I turned to meet each attacker. At first I felt barraged and wanted to pull the old lady card and excuse myself from the exercise, but found myself pushing past that feeling, into the ready stance. It dawned on me that I just needed to know that I was being attacked and that at every turn I must prepare myself to defend against the attack. It brought to my memory this verse, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" 2 Corinthians 4:8-9. The enemy of my heart is going to attack when I am not prepared. My best defense against this is not to wish for a cease fire, but to be prepared to defend. Be prepared to fight back. Be prepared to be pressed on every side.

Assassination or Negligent Homicide

I said something yesterday that has me thinking. I told someone that I once had a dream and I was told I would not be able to ever achieve my dream. I went on to explain that I had accepted their words and accepted that I would not be able to achieve my dream. REALLY! I did that. Now, I am wondering, did I sell out on my dream? Did I give up with no fight? Isn't that contrary to who I am striving to be? Did I let that person assassinate my dream or did it die of my negligence? I'm going to have to think about this one some more.

Life Stories

I awake this morning with a slight sushi and chocolate hangover and realize, I have shared my life story with someone. I knew I was doing it. I was slightly intoxicated with the comforting flavors of a yummi-yummi roll or was it the rich chocolate sauce of the chocolate volcano. I can't decide now. Nonetheless, it was a conscious decision. We spoke with our dear friends about life stories and why we don't share them. We spoke of the significance of our life stories in our faith and their importance to our community of faith. I didn't intend to share my story and I was really trying to find a way to avoid the whole matter all together, but found myself sharing it regardless. My husband pointed out that we often hesitate to share our stories for fear that we will be judged, criticized, or blackmailed. I have to agree with him. But as I put more thought into it this morning I realize that my greatest fear is that my story will invoke feelings of pity. Why is that such a bad thing? Why wouldn't I want those things? And as those questions emerge my lips I am immediately enlightened, I want no part of pity and I want none offered to me. Someone once told me long ago and I hold this to be true in my life...pity is crippling to one who wishes to overcome. I endeavor to overcome any cruelty, injustice, pain, or loss I have experienced, and transform those experiences into strength and beauty in my life. What I desire has only to do with respect for what I've allowed God to do in me, admiration that I have not quit, and inspiration that if someone like me can make a comeback, you can too.

Waking the Dead

I'm reading John Eldredge's book Waking The Dead and I can feel the revolutionary in me beginning to be stirred up. I don't know if it's a mid-life crisis or what happens to a person before they start making thier life count for God, you can judge that for yourself. However, the view he presents on the life of a person who is in a passionate love affair with the Most High is starting to awaken something in me that has been silent for quite some time. For the first time, since I was a kid, I am beginning to hope that maybe one person can change the world. Maybe there is a place for a person as intense and passionate as I am. Maybe I can use my power for good instead of evil.
Here's an excerpt...

Yes, the heart is the source of our emotions. but we have equated the heart with emotion, and put it away for a messy and even dangerous guide.....Emotions are the voice of the heart, to borrow Chip Dodd's phrase. Not the heart, but its voice. They express the deeper movements of the heart, as when we weep over the loss of someone we love, or when we cheer at the triumph of a son's team at the state championships. The mind stands detached, but it is with the heart that we experience and respond to life in all it's fullness. Francis de Sales said, "Love is the life of our heart. According to it we desire, rejoice, hope and despair, fear, take heart, hate, avoid things, feel sad, grow angry, and exult."
John Eldredge ~ Waking the Dead

Stop Whining, Start Living

I just finished Laura Schlesinger's book titled Stop Whining, Start Living and I think it is a great read for anyone on the planet. One would think the book discusses easy ways to overcome a whining personality, but I found it to be quite the contrary. Dr. Schlesinger took a practical approach to life's situations and the necessity to distinguish how much time is healthy to mull and maybe whine over their occurrence. It also provided some ideas on how to shift perspective on life's situations. My favorite example is this. Your husband doesn't clean up after himself. It makes you angry. You can either whine about it, which is sometimes what I do or you can imagine a life without him. You can image that the house is immaculately clean without him. He is not there. For me that is a huge loss and to give up my husband for a clean house is ludicrous. A clean house would mean my husbands hugs, kisses, reassuring words, and laughter were gone. A few items to pick up here and there, so worth it. That is just one example. There are many. She has a straightforward approach that may sting from time to time, but if you stick with it you just may find she has a bit of wisdom you might want to apply to your life.

Rose Canyon

This weekend was a very relaxing one. I lounged around all day Saturday, which was nice, but left me feeling a little lazy. So, I redeemed myself, by making half-cooked chocolate cookie bars. Yeah, that hit the spot. We lounged by the pool most of the evening making it a completely unproductive day. Well, I take that back, I rejuvenated myself and was now ready to take on Sunday. What happened Sunday? Well, we headed to Rose Canyon to fish and relax. Now I have to admit, relaxing proved to be a little more difficult that anticipated at picturesque Rose Canyon. My children quickly took up the fine art of crawdad fishing. It was more like trapping than fishing, but let's not get into technicalities, okay. Anyway, the first hour was noisy! I was stunned by the group beside us who yelled, screamed, shrieked, whatever you want to call it, at every crawdad my kids caught. Not to mention the crying babies, who I imagined, just wanted to go home. It wasn't all bad, once they settled down, I was able to relax and enjoy the peaceful noises of the lake and the wind blowing through the trees. We will definitely have to do that again. I am finding, I am more of a nature girl than I imagined I would ever be.

Don't worry, no crawdads were killed during this fishing trip. They may be missing claws, but there were no fatalities.

Steering A Ship

Yesterday's reading included Acts 16 and I was unprepared for the provocation of thoughts it would lead to. Paul decides to visit Asia and is stopped by the Holy Spirit. So he heads over to Bithinia and again he is prevented from continuing. I would imagine that Paul is starting to get a little frustrated with this. He is desperately pursuing God's will for his life and it seems he is being stopped at every turn. BUT what if that isn't what is happening? What if, he wasn't sure where to go so he decided to start moving and trust that the spirit would guide him? Maybe he wasn't sure what the next step was, but figured he would start moving anyway and trust God to come through? I once heard a long time ago (when I was 18) that a ship is better steered when it is moving. Trying to steer a ship that is stationary is pretty difficult. Which led me to my next thought. We, as a family, are faced with so much chaos and it's easy to believe we're just going around in circles, but maybe we are exactly where God wants us. From all appearances we keep moving and heading in directions that don't seem to make sense only to be led in a different direction, and I've been frustrated with myself and God wondering if maybe I'm not hearing from Him, or worse, HE isn't coming through for us. BUT He is faithful. HE has us just where He wants us. I'll just keep moving where HE leads and trust that He will always come through for us.

Mystery

Colossians 1:25 - 27
I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

This is quickly becoming my favorite passage. I have always known it, but it never made sense to me. I think I am coming to understand what it means to my life. It may not apply to yours, but it's working for me and changing the way I think about my relationship with God.
I have this vision of myself. It's the best version of Angie. I am good, kind, humble, thoughtful, considerate, generous, and most of all godly. This isn't who I am all the time right now, but it is something I aspire to be. The mystery, I believe, is that God, through Jesus' work, has made it possible for me to have hope that someday I may get there. As I develop my relationship with God, I get closer to my and most likely His goal for my life. As I get closer to Him, His thoughts become my thoughts, His ways become my ways, and I start fulfilling my purpose here on the earth. The world is changed as I am changed, with God's power and nothing else. But I must have a relationship with Him to achieve this. I think this is where we make it too hard. We do way too much to prove our relationship. I know I have done this. Instead, my focus should be on developing my relationship with God. I know it sounds simple, but maybe that was the light yoke that Jesus spoke of in Matthew 11. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'd like to know what you all think.

Jump Starting the brain

Reality strikes again. I'm glad to be home, but I'm having a hard time jump starting my brain. I am feeling a whole heap less stress and that makes for a calm mommy. But I do miss that beach. I may have to bring out the ocean sounds cd and start pretending I'm back in La Jolla.

Community

A member of my community will be leaving and I am sad. It's hard to do this community thing, knowing that there may come a time when paths will separate. I think the hard part is, I don't understand why. Why must it be so? I don't understand why my friends will be moving on. I wish they could stay. I want what is best for them and know this must be it, but it doesn't make it any easier. I again remember why I hesitate to commit to a community. People seem to be coming and going quite a bit lately. Changes seem to be the only world we know. It is hard to allow people to get tangled into your heart only to be taken away. It makes me wonder, are we on the right path?