What Am I Doing and Why?

As I have kept this blog I have come to a point where I wonder....what's the point? Why do I keep this blog? If I stop to think about it, it is quite arrogant of me to think that the world wants to hear the ponderings of a homemaker from the tumbleweeds. What do I have to say that is so different from anyone else in the world? Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for pats on the backs or encouragements, I'm seriously asking the question of myself.

I began this blog in an attempt to reconnect with some lost part of myself, a part that was vital to the quality of my life. That was two years ago. What I have learned is that I am wild. I am rambunctious. I am sensitive. I don't much like that discovery, but I am a girl and I am sensitive. I am passionate about my family. It explains why I take my job with them so seriously. It is something I feel passionately about and will stop trying to feel otherwise. I do like order when the time calls for it, but otherwise I love the chaos of life. It often stresses me out, but I am learning to savor it and almost enjoy it. My job at this time is to raise my children. My job until I die is to love, serve, and respect my husband. My job to come is beginning to become clear, but it does frighten me at times. However, I'm not completely clear, so I'l keep this one under my hat. But the most important discovery is that I love Jesus and He loves me so completely. It is a love I do not understand or even wish to explain. It is a love I choose to accept and embrace.

So one goal of my blog is being met. It will be a lifelong process I'm sure. Now to figure out what to do next.

Men and Women

I got the opportunity to revisit my past yesterday. I believe it's good to do this once in a while to grab a sense of how much growth has occurred. The portion I visited had to do with my view of men and women and their relation to each other. I was amazed to find that my ideas on this topic have changed almost completely since the days of my teen-hood.

I watched many versions of relationships and decided early on that I would never depend on a man. I would never allow a man to be EVERYTHING to me. I would marry a man, I would love a man, I would allow a man to be the father of my children, but I would remain in control. I realize now that this was my response to being hurt by men over and over again. I did not realize that at the time. I spent the first several years of my marriage trying to maintain control. It was quite comical as I look back on it now. If you know my husband you know that he is a happy go lucky kind of guy, but he is strong. He'll allow me my illusion of control. He'll allow me to think I've got everything organized, but we both know, it's a joint effort. We need each other and it's a beautiful thing. Once we got past my need for control and his need to be invincible we have found we make a pretty good team.

I read in Genesis 2 today about the creation of man and woman and realized, this is the way God set it up. We compliment each other. We challenge each other. We encourage each other to grow. We hold each other accountable when we don't. Why do we fight it so fiercely? Why do we fight to be independent of each other? It's no wonder we have such a lack of strong men willing to do the job of husbanding and fathering. We've spend the past few decades telling them we don't need them. We women have convinced men and ourselves that we can do anything they can do better. Why would we need them? No wonder they have checked out. I agree...we may be able to do some things better, but why would be want to use that knowledge to push them out of the picture? Why wouldn't we want to use our knowledge to help them to become the best men they can be? We all benefit from their strength. We all benefit from their presence. We all benefit from their contributions to society. These are just questions I have running around in my mind today as I remember how fiercely I fought to do my husbands job. I find such peace and contentment in using my gifts to help him become the man God has called him to be. I find such joy and pride as I watch him take his place in society as a strong man of God. I enjoy such relief as I watch him father our children and know, they will have an opportunity I never had. He pursuing his role as a man and I am pursuing my role as a woman. It's better than the control I thought I had...so much better.

Moving The Human Mountain

Webster's first two definitions of faith are:
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof

Faith has been the common thread of my life. Everything I hear and read has some connection to faith. My adult life seems to be much like that of all adults; full of life's complications, frustrations, and disappointments. Because I was raised in a family of faith, there came a time when I wanted to know personally what this faith meant for me. It sent me on a journey of questions and investigations that led to an idea I hold personally. I knew what others told me their faith was and foolishly, I tried to imitate their description of faith. Faith cannot be imitated. Faith is as personal and unique as a preference of coffee, in my estimation. Everyone likes a Starbucks beverage, and if you don't then there is just something wrong with you. But all kidding aside. Everyone likes coffee in some way shape or form. It might be the Mocha Latte, the Double Shot Espresso, or the Caramel Mocha Frappaccino Light with no whipped cream. It could even be that the only coffee you take is in icecream. It is the same with faith. I cannot expect my husband to demonstrate his faith the same way I do. I am a woman. I cry when I feel God move, I sing when God touches my heart. My husband's responses to God in his life are very different. So investigating your faith can be a good thing.

So, here's what I came up with. Belief must come before faith and faith cannot come without belief. I know, hang with me. I must believe in God to have faith. I must believe He is who He says He is. I must believe what He says about me and what He promises me. My faith is the evidence of that belief. My faith is the proof of what my belief is. The integrity of my belief will be shown in my faith. Faith should be active and in alignment with what I believe. If I believe God loves me, I will behave as though He does. If I believe God wants to bless me to be a blessing, I should start being a blessing. I do not wait for Him to bless me because I already know He will. I act on my belief even without the proof. It is behaving based on what I believe, not believing to change my behavior. You can believe, but if you are refusing to act based on those beliefs, do you really believe? It is in our nature to get lazy and expect God to move on our behalf while we stand idly by and wait for something to happen. It is in our nature to ask God to prove His existence by acting on our behalf. We ask Him to prove His greatness by moving a giant mountain. The reality is this: the mountain He wishes to move is my heart. The greater power is the one that ejects me from my comfort zone and prods me to move AND to do it with my permission. The greater miracle is the one that occurs when a hard stubborn heart allows itself to be softened and tenderized to God. Now, THAT mountain, is often much more difficult to move.

Ultimately, I made a choice. There was no proof. I made a choice. And my prayer is this; Everything that has followed that choice is evidence of my faith.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.