Yellow Belt, Ear Infection, Urgent Care, Two-A-Days

That pretty much sums up the last 72 hours. I tested for my yellow belt this weekend...yes I passed. I couldn't believe I actually broke a board with my hand. I felt like kicking someone in the teeth. Okay, that might be a little extreme. However, next to giving birth to my children, that was the most empowering experience of my life. I joined martial arts so I could overcome some of my fears, but I never imagined I would feel confidence in fear's place. It's a good feeling. The buzz was dulled by my 6-year-old's ear infection. So, as we sat in urgent care I felt the strength drain from my body as I listened to the barrage of coughs, sniffles, and children's moans. GERMS!!! Not to mention John was fighting a ferocious headache. So a quick trip to the nearest Walgreens saw me return with Tylenol, hand sanitizer, bottled water, and Airborne. We're all okay now, but as I watched the Super Bowl yesterday (which was one of the best games I've seen in a Super Bowl) I realized I was not prepared for two-a-day practice week for our volleyball team. How did I become this person? I used to be so scared of everything. I felt so inspired I began to write.

Afraid to live
Afraid to die
Afraid of truth
Paralyzed by lies

Paralyzed by fear
Paralyzed by doubt
Paralyzed by failure
Is there no way out?

Enraged by my weakness
Empowered by my resolve
Encouraged by my faith
Enveloped in His love

I know it's a girl poem, but it's a pretty accurate depiction of what can happen in the life of one who lives in fear. I haven't overcome it all, but DAMN it feels good to have overcome one more hurdle. Now to conquer the fear of heights.

Abraham

Today as I read through chapters 20-22 in Genesis I noticed something about Abraham. He receives seven promised from God during chapters 12 through 22. I jotted down these promises as I read, and I noticed that there was always something required of Abraham with each of the promises. This has caused me to wonder. Was Abraham willing to be obedient when God asked him to sacrifice Isaac because he knew God's character? Abraham fulfilled each of the requests from God and God was always faithful to his part of the promise. Did Abraham know, based on past experience, that God would come through for Abraham with regard to Isaac?

Question of the Day...maybe the week

I have operated under the idea that if I have more control in my home, my kids will be well-behaved. Today's epiphany. Maybe too much control makes the kids a little less than well-behaved. Maybe I do the best job I can as a parent and when they make mistakes, I do the best job I can as a parent. Maybe their mistakes are not a reflection of my parenting, but more a part of the process in their development as human beings. What do you other parents think?

Happy Anniversary

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 12th anniversary. It was a neat day. I know some women like a big production on their anniversary, but I'm more inclined to sentiment. Some have asked what I gifts I received and I have to giggle when I tell them. They make no sense to anyone but me. I received a book titled "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage", a Tinkerbell coffee cup, sparring gear for my martial arts class, and a dozen roses. For those of you who are appalled at my husband's selection I must clarify, because I never want anyone to accuse my MAN of being unromantic. The book is written by one of my role models, Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She's taught me a lot about life, parenthood, marriage, and morals through her nagging. I like to joke that my mother is my mother and Dr. Laura is my father. So my MAN gave me her newest book, the one I have been wanting but will never buy for myself, because it is a frivolity. The sparring gear is another frivolity I have been putting off. I need it to better myself at my martial art, but it's cost could be used elsewhere. Again, my MAN came through. The coffee cup is a symbol, of his love for me. I love Tink. She is sassy and brave. All the things I aspire to be. And while I love Tink it is the cup, or rather what the cup symbolizes. Each night my husband prepares coffee for me. It is the smell I awake to. I wake to the smell and the reminder that the night before my husband delayed his evening relaxation to make coffee, so I could enjoy a cup while I did my quiet time. My coffee cup is with my at this moment. It is with this reminder of love that I go about my day. I am able to be the mother to his children. I am challenged in every detail of my day to say thank you with my acts of service and kindness to this wonderful man who's gifts may be unromantic to anyone else, but speak volumes about passion and romance than any gift he could ever give me. Twelve years has taught me this lesson. I was a brat when we first began. I am so thankful that he has been patient with me and has loved me with a love that only God could give him. He has been a true example of what God's love must be like.

Competitive Faith Walks

Sometimes, I get more caught up in what others around me are doing and saying. I completely forget to examine what it is God is requiring of me. We are all called to something and therefore our walks will look different. I struggle to remember that my walk will not resemble anyone else's. That is what makes us so unique. We are not to mimic each other's walks or call others to walk our footsteps. We are only to be examples of God's love and arrows to His Will and His Way.

Here are some questions I'm going to be posing to my life:
What kinds of things do I do to make my faith walk look more holy?
Are they truly things that God is asking of me?
What is God asking me to do that I am not doing?

Any of your thoughts are welcomed.

Psalms 3

Here is my latest attempt at a poem

You won't make it
You can't win
Not even God can help you,
You are really that weak

As these thoughts bombard
And my will threatens to give in
I know You're near,
And life isn't that bleak

I whisper Your name
I know you come nearer
It grows to a shout
You will always come through

Every moment, every hour
The evidence becomes clearer
No matter where I am
You are there too

These threats, these fears
They hold no power I do not give
You make me brave, You are my courage,
You and me
We're in this thing together

I hear those lies and that is all they are
I choose not death but to truly live
My God is big, My God is strong
I can count on His strength forever

Building on A Shaky Foundation

Today's Reading ~ Genesis 15-17; Luke 6

Luke 6:46-49
It is difficult to build. That is just a given. It's difficult to build anything solid on a shaky foundation. However, if it is your foundation, there is no hesitation to dig it up and start over. But what proves to be most difficult is building on a shaky foundation that you didn't lay. Everything you attempt to build is in jeopard of toppling over. The work is overwhelmingly futile. What do you do? You didn't lay the foundation. I suppose the obvious answer is to dig it up and start over. Level it all and lay a more stable, stronger foundation. There's one final obstacle. Deadlines. Is it still a good idea? Is it possible to pull up the foundation, relay it, rebuild, and have it ready in time? I like to think that I can see clearly in a difficult situation. I like to think that no matter what I FEEL like doing, I can look past to SEE what is the RIGHT, GODLY thing to do. I can't seem to find that this time. This isn't a building of cement and bricks, this is a building of flesh and bone. We really don't want to mess this one up.

Why Do We Live With Fear?

Today's Reading~Genesis 12-14; Luke 5
Okay so I'm about to go on a tirade so I apologize in advance. I read about Abram today and the first two promises God gave to him. The first was that God would make Abram's name great and bless the whole world through him. God's orders were for him to leave everything he knew. Abram obeys. God's second promise was that Abram's descendants would posses the land of Canaan. Cool! The famine hits and Abram leaves. I don't know about you, but if God promised my people some land I'm staying with the land, but that's just me. He goes to Egypt where he convinces Sarai to say she's his sister not his wife, and she does. Again, not what I would do, but okay the times were different. Here's my issue, why do we do it? Why do we receive promises from God and then live in fear? I realize it all works out for Abram and Sarai and I realize they learned lots of lessons, but is it in the human nature to live with fear? I see so much of it today. WE have so many phobias. We hesitate, we second-guess, we analyze, we over think. WHY?! Do we not have an awesome God? Is His promise not enough? If God says He will move on our behalf will He not keep His word? Okay, so we don't know how HE will do it, or how it will happen...do we really need to know? I am the first to stand in front of my accusing finger. I doubt God's promises, I hesitate, I second-guess, I over analyze, I over think, I am guilty. But I want to believe. I want to trust. I want to buy into God's promises even if I look a fool. And maybe that is the key. What if I buy into the promise and God lets me down? I'll look like I'm a fool. My only answer to myself is, what if God comes through and I have not trusted? Don't I look like a fool anyway? (Deep sigh) The rant is over, thanks for listening.

Pushing Past the Pain

I must admit, this resolve to get fit spiritually and physically is coming at a price. Reading the Word is so difficult to do when you have a million other things on your list to do. Yes I know it shouldn't be a to do thing, but sometimes it is. As is physically exercising. The only upside with the physical is I have a class I have to be at. I have a time set aside to give to it. Reading is proving to be a little more complicated. So, I'm going to have to set aside time for it as I have done with my classes.
I had to do some exercises today that were painful, but I pushed past it and was able to complete the practice. I feel great having done it. Reading will have to be the same way. It's true there are other things I want to do and it will cost me, but isn't developing a relationship with God worth pushing past the pain? The more I grow in Him image the more I will influence the world around me.

Yellow Belts

I almost cheated my kids out of an awesome experience. They were to test to earn their yellow belt in Tang Soo (martial arts) and I was nervous they would not pass. They didn't seem to be ready. They didn't seem to understand how serious this was. What was wrong with them?! I heard that little voice inside (the one that is so much smarter than I and therefore must be God) tell me not to do it. I almost didn't listen. I had dozens of good reasons to ignore the voice. Ultimately, the voice won. I would keep my mouth shut. The kids are now yellow belts. The look on their faces was priceless. I almost cheated them out of it. I almost took that away from them. Thank God that He intervened. They are so pleased with themselves. I can tell this has been a life lesson for them and for me.

A Sky Window and That's All

Today's Reading Gen 6-8; Luke 3 - Following the Life Journal Reading Plan
Today's reading in Genesis told the famous story of Noah. I was struck by the directions to make an 18" hole at the top of the ark. This hole would later be the only view out of the ark. The window to the outside world showed only the sky. There was no other way for Noah to see out of the ark. There were no other directions given for windows. How would Noah see? No, there was no way for Noah to know whether the water had gone down enough to leave the ark except through the signs provided by God via the birds. The window did not allow him to see the earth. It did not afford him the opportunity to make his own judgment as to whether or not it was safe to emerge the ark that held them captive for nearly a year. He was solely dependent on God's timing. THE STORY OF MY LIFE! There are times God only allows me to see the sky of my life. It is usually after a storm has raged through and seemingly destroyed everything around me. I am unsure of what is going on outside and really wish I knew, but alas I must wait for the sign from God. I don't know about you, but this is usually a very uncomfortable time for me. It is also a great time for me to learn, if I can keep from jumping the gun. I have a tendency to move whether I hear God or not and must constantly fight the urge to act alone. If I can control my desire, God usually comes through and I learn valuable lessons. Otherwise, I will have to take that test again.

Blocking and Attacking Among Other Things

Genesis 1:1-2:25; Matthew 1:1-2:12; Psalm 1:1-6; Proverbs 1:1-6
As I was reading today, I was drawn to the genealogy portion of Matthew. I have read it way too many times before, but today I saw something new in it. It is interesting to me that Joseph's line goes back to King David. I'm sure that Joseph knew he had the blood of kings running through his veins. So, I have to assume that he understood the significance of kings. I suppose he had to have a grasp on king thinking.
As for Proverbs, this first portion is a sort of objective list for the reader. "Here's what this book is for..." and ironically it has something for everyone.
totally off the topic, I learned something in my tang soo class this weekend that gave me some insight into my spiritual life. I learned to block hits. And my sparring partner made the comment that when you block you want to quickly attack. Attacking after a block will catch your opponent off guard and earn you points. Block when you're enemy waiting for it and you gain no ground. I've spent my Christian life blocking the mental attacks I often go through, I have never dreamed of attacking. How can this apply? I'm sure it must.

No Pain, No Gain

As I endeavor to improve spiritually and physically I am feeling the effects of my decision already. I began martial arts classes yesterday. Yeah, I know, it's a little crazy, but I figured, what the heck. I completed my first class feeling invigorated and energized. I was pumped. I am going to be so cool! I am going to be a lean mean Tang Soo machine (that is the name of my martial art). Fast forward to today. OWWW! I am sore in places I didn't even know I was using yesterday. I must admit it is uncomfortable to feel this way, but secretly I like it. I suppose it isn't a secret anymore. I've now published it on a public blog, oh well. I like knowing that I am disciplining myself to be more. I like knowing that this pain I feel today is a signal that someday strength will take it's place.

Physical and Spiritual Creations

Today, I started reading my Bible again. I know it sounds so unholy of me. I have put aside the habit, and I could give lots of reasons why, but it boils down to laziness. I've been too lazy to discipline myself. It is like eating healthy and exercising. I know it is good for me , and I love to results when I have practiced the discipline. So I've turned my focus back to both my spiritual and physical health. I started in the beginning. I read Genesis 1-2 and Luke 1 today.
In Genesis, I noticed that God spoke to the earth and the earth did as He commanded. How cool is that to have so much power and use it to create a whole universe. However, in Genesis 2:8 it states that God planted a garden for the man and woman he would create, or did create. I'm still unclear as to the order on that one. Anyway it just reaffirmed to me that God is interested in the details of life. He created a whole world. He made something from nothing. Then, for man, He puts His hand into His own creation and makes something beautiful for His creation, man (whom He breathed into to bring physical life). Then I turned to Luke and read about Mary's story. I noticed a small correlation. God seemingly does the same thing with Mary. He takes His creation (Mary) and creates something(Jesus) for His creation (us). Only this time He breathes spiritual life into this creation. His Holy Spirit. Luke 1:35 The angel replied, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God."
As I thought about this I realized that God is in the business of fixing things up. He takes what seems like nothing and makes something amazing of it. God has taken my life (a once barren desolated desert) and has created a beautiful garden full of life and promise. I saw nothing of meaning or use and yet with a word from God, it has been transformed every painful and shameful detail of my life and created something extraordinary. He has breathed His spirit into my life and I am not longer the same. I so feared there would be no life to come from me and then God happened to me. Talk about an extreme makeover.

Happy New Your

New Year's Eve found me sitting with my family, sipping Elgin wine (Bisbee Copper is nice). As I sat there, I did a mental musical montage of my past year. The song, Little Wonders by Rob Thomas; the images, Isaac makes first contact with a basketball and falls in love for the first time; Elisa baking cookies...all by herself; skiing and not breaking my leg; John and the kids playing together and laughing so hard they can't breathe; Vincent waiting in the hall with his teammates, preparing to play a game. It has been a great year.
As the ball dropped, and Dick Clark so valiantly mumbled the countdown that would start 2008, I felt a deep sense of satisfaction. There are so many things that I didn't think I could do this year and yet I did them. I didn't think I would get back on the ski's after I broke my leg. I was nervous, but I did it anyway. I didn't think we could homeschool and be happy with it, I really doubted my character to do a good job and not drive my kids insane. I was scared and yet we are doing it. I didn't think we could be the parents of a teenager without any preparation. I wanted to throw up with the terror of it, but we are making it one day at a time. I didn't think I could join martial arts. I am seriously doubting my mental status on this decision, but I am going to do it anyway.
IF I had to say I have learned anything this year it would be this: I have learned to fail. I have learned to take chances and I have learned to make mistakes gracefully. I have learned that I am not good at some things, but as I have failed at those things I have learned that I am good at other things. I don't like making mistakes, but I have learned that mistakes are one of the best way to learn. And this year I have learned alot. A year ago the mistakes would have been an indicator, to me, of my failures. This year, I have to smile as I realized it's an indicator of little successes. I have succeeded over some of my fears, and as I overcome these fears, I am able to better appreciate those little wonders in my life. How can that be a failure? But don't worry, I still have plenty of fears left to overcome. So there will be plenty of mistakes to look forward to in 2008.
Final thought: Years ago, my Tio Manuel celebrated New Years with our family for the first time. He joined us as we rang in the new year with the traditional American "Happy New Year". His English wasn't as clear then as it is now so it sounded as if he was saying "Hoppy New Your!". So since then, our family always brings in the new year with the now traditional "Hoppy New Your!" So here's wishing you a HOPPY NEW YOUR!

A Serving of Perspective

I hate it when my perception of life is wrong. Don't you? I find this happens to me and it changes the whole way I see things. It isn't a bad thing to be able to shift perspectives, I just hate being wrong. I've spent most of my adulthood wondering why I don't get respect from the opposite sex. I already have "issues" with men stemming from childhood and then to feel disrespected by them is just adding insult to injury...that is, until I realized what the problem might be.
I was speaking with a friend yesterday and we were making polite conversation. (Just to set the scene, I had wondered to myself earlier in the day why this person was always so mean to me.) So we're making small talk when I hear a snide remark leave my mouth. OUCH! That was rude. I heard a little voice inside me comment, "And you wonder why he is mean to you?" I had been the one to draw first blood. I was the one on the offense.
As I recounted this story to my beloved later that day, I lamented that I might typically be the one on the offense. "I am offensive!" I jokingly exclaimed.
He is so sweet, because it was then that he made this insightful observation about me. "You are not offensive, honey," he said sweetly, "You just strike first to avoid being hurt." He knows me so well.
I have never felt comfortable in the presence of men, and to counter this feeling, I realize I may strike first to show my power despite my discomfort. So, I must now look through this new set of glasses at the world of men around me to assess, if in fact, it is my show of disrespect that leads to others lack of respect for me. Talk about a shift in perspective.

It's more important to have love

I was driving home from a presentation a couple of nights ago and listening to a favorite podcast, when a statement was made that hit me: It is more important that my home is filled with love than it is to have order. I heard this and was brought to tears. Why am I crying? I couldn't understand it. So I started talking to Dad (you may call Him God) and asked him about this. Flashes of my life began to unfold before me. Life has always been ordered and structured. It has always had love but the structure was what I took away from it. I began to realize that my home was filled with more order than love. My children are growing quickly and soon I will be out of time. What do I want them to take away from their childhood?
I know it is more important to have love than order, but my mind wouldn't accept it. So I have purposed to deliberately leave one thing undone today. I will replace once activity of order with one activity of love. It's going to bother me to leave it undone, but I am sure I will get used to it. It is more important to have love. Order never got me through rough times, but love always has.

Love

Did you know that it's hard to love? It is truly a commitment. It's easy to offer the love, but the only way it can work is if you are willing to receive it. You've got to be willing to open your heart and allow someone to come in. It's like allowing someone into your home. They come in and check things out, maybe pick up that old picture frame you've had for years. Let's hope they don't drop it or break it. You notice their feet are covered in mud and they are tracking mud throughout your home. It is scary and at times overwhelming just to let people into your house, how do you let people into your heart? The only answer I can find to this question lately, is God. You trust God. You don't trust the person, because people let you down. People fail you. People are messed up and I am one of those messed up people so I know what I am talking about. But God is perfect and God has never let me down. He's made me wonder sometimes, but He's always come through. I have been experimenting with this lately. We've been offered the opportunity to love someone who cannot really offer anything in return. I will admit, it has been a painful experience, but I am learning so much about God's love. AND I am seeing that as we allow God to use us to love this person, HE is able to minister to ALL of us. God is so cool.

Christmas Time Is Here

As we baked cookies, watched the Muppet's Christmas Carol, and put up the Christmas tree (which will be decorated tonight), I realized that Christmas time is here! I love this time of year. It's so magical for us. We watch the world transform from a bleak and dismal place into a bright and still somewhat dismal place. Yes it is true nothing has really changed. Mean people are still rude. Bad people are still angry and hostile. BUT Good people seem to come out of hiding. The love and joy they possess infiltrates the world for a brief moment. Christmas is about Jesus and the ultimate gift He gave. Not many people acknowledge that with their words. but whether they admit it or not, He is the reason for the season. I saw a young man's wish list this year (he is in the foster care system). He had put down the typical teenager requests and I'm sure his foster family will do their best to give him what they can. But what pierced my heart was his final request...LOVE. How we take love for granted! How we assume it will always be there. The love that others offer us so freely often goes unnoticed or unappreciated. Meanwhile, back on my ranch, I choose to absorb and offer love. After all, isn't that what Christmas is truly about?

My Relationship With God

I received an e-mail from an elementary school classmate last night. It was so cool to hear from a person you last knew as a child. It got me to thinking about the school I attended for 9 years and the different philosophies I learned. The god I knew then is not the God I know now. It is amazing how one can grow up in religion and completely miss the relational aspect of God. I knew what I was supposed to do to be perceived as a "good Christian". I knew all of the terms. I knew the phrases that would gain me approval and acceptance. And yet, I did not live the life that gained the approval of the one I served.
Even now, it is easy to get caught up impressing each other with our accomplishments and self righteousness. Unfortunately, I forget to impress God. I filter my thoughts and I now realize my beliefs for fear they will be too offensive. I don't know why I am rambling on about this other than to say that I am done. As I am journeying on my Feral Christianity, I am learning so much about who I want to be compared to who I am. In order to be that person, I am going to have to take risks. I am going to have to put myself out there and allow myself to be perceived, scrutinized, and yes even judged. However, in the end the only judgment I will live by is the one that has captured my heart and has loved me so deeply and so truly.