Motherhood

Okay friends. I'm back. I'm ready to take on the world again. I believe I have begun taking steps to come to terms with the fact that I cannot be God to my family. I didn't realize I was trying to occupy that role. I now realize it and have surrendered it once again.
Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever done. No one tells you how involved your heart gets into your family. I believe this is because it is a different experience for every woman. No one woman experiences it the same way. For some it is a natural thing; it happens without them even trying. For others, it is the most unnatural thing in the world. It takes work, effort, and an unseemingly unpossessed ability. None of these experiences is wrong. It is just the evidence of the fact that we are all created differently. I have spend the first years of my motherhood trying to be something I am not. I have fought my basic instincts to do what I thought was the correct thing to do. I now realize those instincts serve a purpose. God made me the woman I am so that I can be the mother He has called me to be. God gave me the children He gave me because He knew I would be the mother they needed. So I say to you mothers who struggle to find yourselves in this crazy world that has launched an all out attack on motherhood, femininity, warmth, nurturing, and strength to allow yourselves to be the mother you dream of being. It will not look like any other woman's skill or ability. It will be your own unique experience and you should enjoy it. Don't let anyone stick their finger in your face and tell you what you should or should not be doing (I realize I am doing something similar to that now, but you know what I mean). Stand tall and proud and embrace the woman you are and explore the motherhood set before you.
Okay I'm done now. Have a great day.

He's My Son

So, I'm tucking my son in to bed tonight and this horrible song comes on the radio. If you're listening to my playlist you're listening to it now. I began to weep as my heart sang along with Mark. It's hard to be positive and brave and noble and good when you hear stupid songs like this one. These are the songs that bring the weakest part of you to the surface for everyone to see. But then it said something that made me stop.

I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You

Truer words were never spoken. My son needs God. I can't be God for him. This realization is both liberating and heart wrenching. I will never be able to be all for him. I can stop trying. But the realization that he needs something I can't give him is too much for me.
Honestly guys, this is proving to be more than I can bear. It might just be a bad day, but man this is the worst bad day I've had in a long time.

Superwoman? Not lately

So my shock has worn off, and I am now left with the realization that with one small diagnosis, life has changed. Please don't misunderstand, this by no means changes our love for our son. Nor does it change the hopes and dreams we have for him. We will not let this be something that keeps us from encouraging him to be all that God created him to be. No, this isn't the change I speak of. It's the change that happens in those around us. It's the change that happens within our family. It's the realization that things we left unnoticed, must now be noticed and documented for his sake. It's the change of well-meaning people giving us their hopes of his complete and total healing. It's the change of dealing with those around us who aren't sure how to treat our son. It's the change of feeling vulnerable. It's the feeling that one small inquiry of how I'm doing sets tears into motion. It's the small changes that no one notices. These small changes just prove to be too much from time to time. I cannot allow myself to think about it during the day, it overwhelms me and threatens to stop me dead in my tracks. I steal away these few moments in the early phases of my morning. I allow myself to come to terms with my humanity. I allow the tears to surface. I give into the vulnerability. It is the only way I will call out for help from the only One that can help. I know I serve a big God. I know there is nothing too big for Him. I know that with a thought of my son He can heal him from what ails him. However, there is a sense that this may not be what He's planning. I know He will get the glory. I worry that He's chosen to use us this way. I am human and fail Him so often. But He is God and I do believe He knows what He's doing.

Ramblings of a Crazy Woman

***Warning this post is a little garbled as I attempt to make some sense out of my life. Read at your own risk**

Feral Christianity. An attempt to get back to the roots of who I am and who God created me to be. As life throws things at you and as you interact with those around you...you alter yourself to survive. I know I have done this. This may not be what God intended me to do. I wonder sometimes, if who I have allowed myself to become and who God wanted me to be are two different people. I've changed or suppressed parts of myself to avoid being strange, weird, and ultimately rejected. I get rejected anyway. I'm at a point in my life where some of those parts I got rid of were parts I find I need now. UGGGG! How do I get them back?
This year, there seems to be a focus in our lives about being completely dependent on God. There is an emphasis on allowing God to be who He is while I am obedient to His bidding to be who He has called me to be. The problem with that is, I'm not always sure I want to be who He's called me to be. It's the proverbial foot wanting to be a hand. I used to believe that the gifts God had given me didn't really jive with who I had envisioned myself being. I'm finding now, that the gifts God has given me can only be used successfully in conjunction with who He's called me to be. The kicker is, I am most content and at peace when I use my gifts according to His Will. So who's fighting this? If my spirit is at peace doing God's bidding and my gifts go perfectly with who God created me to be...where did I get the idea that I should be something else? Feeling confused yet, don't worry I confuse even myself.

Epilepsy

That's what it is. I'm either still in shock or completely in denial. I realize it's a big deal, and while I am concerned about what the word means, I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be. I think I'm more concerned about how the world will view my precious child than I am about how we will handle this. We have a great community and a great God, I know there is nothing we can't handle. Honestly, I'm at peace. It feels quite odd.

1 John 2:10

Yeah, so I am reading through first John this week. I never realized what a cool book it is. I've read parts of it before, but never with the focus I'm reading it with this time. The second chapter addresses how a person who lives in the light behaves as opposed to the person who doesn't live in the light. It speaks very clearly about our relationship with other people of faith and how we are to get along with each other which wasn't my favorite, but that's a different post.

The verse that stuck out to me yesterday was verse ten. My version reads "there is no destroying the faith of those who live in the light". I really liked the way my version reads because it assumes that an action results from living in the light. One could assume that becuase I live in the light my faith is untouchable, but I think there is a deeper meaning here. IF I am living in the light I will actively guard my faith. I will actively guard and protect my faith from unseen enemies who would desire to destroy the faith I cling to as my life source. Nothing is destroying it. Nothing.

Unseen Enemy

Okay, so here's the question I've been mulling over the past...I don't know...lifetime. I've been raised to believe that there is an unseen enemy. From different events in my life, I have been inclined to believe that is the case, but I've been listening to a podcast by Mark Driscoll and he mentioned something I hadn't ever considered. In his four part podcast "Spiritual Warfare" he stated that there are Christians who do not believe in unseen enemies. Is that true and if so, what are their ideas on the "dark side of the force"? I'm just curious. Any thoughts?

Abnormalities

That's what they said. There were some abnormalities with your son's EEG. It's funny. We haven't really process through the whole gambit of emotions, but we're not freaked like I thought we might be. I was actually a little relieved. I believe my response to the doctor when she told me there were abnormalities was "Oh good!" Don't get me wrong, I don't want there to be abnormalities, but it give us some clues in recent events. I think my complete response probably should have been..."Oh good! We are not crazy. We were right to be concerned."
As we've begun this process we've had people ask us if we are okay and my response has been, we're fine. And we are. I'm listening to my son, who had an abnormalities with his EEG, play his new piece of music on the piano with precision and perfection. It's the sweetest thing I have ever heard. My son will be fine. I have a promise, a promise from my Creator and his Creator. He will be fine. And so will we. The real abnormality is that we have such a peace about the next couple of weeks. That's abnormal.

Stagnant in Spirit

I recently started subscribing to a newsletter by Wayne Cordeiro, pastor of New Hope Christian Fellowship Oahu. I read his book Doing Church As a Team and Dream Releasers and was impressed by the simplicity of the concepts and the depth of their impact. So when I received the invite for this newletter, I was naturally open to it. The first newsletter hit me where I live. It was titled Keeping Our Spirit Fresh. I didn't realize until I read that article that I allowed my spirit to grow stagnant this week. I know it's only a week, but a week in my life is a long time to go without time with God. All week I have felt like I am giving and giving out of an empty well. I know my quiet time got put on the back burner with the craziness of our schedule. I told myself I'd catch up on it later. I realize today that later, never comes when I want it to. And so, here I am. Feeling under the weather. Being forced to rest. I know what I need to do and I will do it. My spirit is stagnant and I will go to the only One who can refresh my spirit.

Thank You

We survived our looooong day and awoke well-rested and in good moods. My sweet boy...soon to be a man...did outstanding. He did all they needed him to do. He was a little overwhelmed with all the contact to his head, but he did his best to be brave. It wasn't anything painful that was done to him, but he has always had an aversion to people touching his head. If I had had two surgeries performed on my head, I think I would feel the same way. Regardless, he is well. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and kinds acts of love. We are truly blessed to have such a great community. I've had people ask, What can we do? There's nothing per se that can be done at the moment. Once we get results there may be some things we need, but honestly, the best thing that can be done for our family you are all doing. Keep us in prayer. If you ask me how I'm doing and I tell you "I'm fine" and start bawling, go ahead and assume I'm lying. I tend to try to do all things on my own. I do need help emotionally more than I need help physically. So, that's what we truly need. And I can't believe I will actually post that. I'm considering deleting it to avoid exposing myself for the weakling that I am. Okay I'm publishing post before I chicken out. You all rock.

Sleep Deprived

I'm a little cloudy minded today. I realize it's only 8a and I'm allowed a little cloudiness, but it has to do more with the knowledge that I have a long day ahead of me. My good-hearted boy will be preparing for his EEG today. What that involves is staying awake until 1a and waking at 5a tomorrow morning. He needs to be a bit sleep deprived, and since he is only 9, mommy will need to be there to make sure it happens in a safe manner. I'm not so nervous about the outcome of the test. Either way, it will be useful information. I'm more nervous about doing my day with as little emotion as possible. I tend to be on the emotional side when I am sleep deprived. Okay, I'm off.

Unrecognized Contributions

Isn't it amazing how people contribute to your life and you don't even realize it. I ran into the relative of a family I knew when I was young last week. The husband and wife were such a neat couple. I remember watching them together upon his return from deployment and thought to myself, I hope someday I have a husband that I love as much. I hope my children have a father that loves them with such devotion. It's funny, I grew up and married a man who is just that. As I remember this family, I have to smile to myself as I realize how good God is. He allowed me to see an example of a godly man even though there was no permanent example in my life. He gave me a model to refer to as I chose my husband. I don't even know if they know what an impact they had on my life, but I'm glad that God used them just the same.