Down Time

We were blessed enough to spend time in La Jolla this week. It was a little taxing, we were chaperones, but it was mostly relaxing. My favorite part was the time I got to spend with John. It's amazing how much we needed that time together. We knew we needed that time, but we didn't realize how much we needed it. We got to visit Disneyland, the beach, and Scripps Aquarium. The picture is from the aquarium. It never ceases to amaze me how awesome God is in His creation of sea life. I am in awe of it.

Time Out

I'm heading off to La Jolla tomorrow and I'm totally excited. We've had a rough year and I'm really looking forward to some time away from reality. I hope I get it, if not, I'll deal. I always do. I've got such a great support system, it's hard to feel sorry for myself. It almost seems wrong to pout when I have so much love.

Isaac

I can't believe it's been 10 years since this wonderful little, strike that, almost taller than me person entered the world and changed my life. I remember holding him for the first time. He was crying and when I called his name he stopped crying and looked at me. I also remember how he was whisked away and taken to the nursery. I remember how I felt when they told me he was struggling and needed to go the the NICU. I remember seeing him in his incubator and how I couldn't hold him. I remember leaving the hospital without him. I remember visiting him. I remember his surgery. I remember how they told me all of the challenges he would face as a result of his beginning. He may not walk well, he may not talk clearly, he may not learn very well, a long list of things he might not be able to do. I remember praying and crying. I remember John's determination. We'll believe he can do until God tells us he can't.
As I watched him run around today, carrying on crazy conversation with his friend and sister, laughing, giggling, enjoying life I understand, once again, that God gave me a special miracle 10 years ago. Dont' get me wrong, both of my kids are miracles to me, but Isaac's arrival was different. I always let people tell me what was possible, I didn't like it, I fought against it, but I accepted it. God changed that with Isaac. I have had to be his advocate every step of the way. My son, Isaac, my laughter, my joy. God has proved to me that one person can decide what the future will hold. Isaac was determined to talk, he was determined to talk, he is determined to be a train engineer, he is determined to be a source of laughter. He is determined.
God has changed my life with his birth. I have found my faith in God, my confidence as a woman, and my joy in life, as I grow as a mother. His beginning was filled with fear and pain and doubt, but I think it is only an act of God that today, 10 years later, I watch him and I am filled with hope, pride, confidence, faith, and joy.

Jehovah-jireh

As I was growing up, we were always doing some sort of study either with our school or church. They usually had something to do with the tabernacle and the days of the Israelites during their 40 years of wandering in the desert. I remember doing one that studied the Hebrew names of God.
Random sidebar - my husband has taken a second job to help supplement our income. It isn't as much money as he would wish, but as he says, some money is better than no money. I both admire and respect his desire to provide for our family at such sacrificing extremes. It has been a huge adjustment to our family with regards to our schedule and time together. I find we are fighting ferociously to keep the time we spend together, as a unit, in tact.
Okay so as I was preparing laundry this morning and praying over my family, my husband in particular a song we used to sing in this class came to my mind. Usually the teacher would find a song that went with the name we were studying to reinforce the memory.

Jehovah-jireh, my provider, His grace is sufficient for me
My God shall supply all my needs, according to His riches in glory
He will give His angels charge over me
Jehovah-jireh cares for me.

I'm sure you'll think it's a strange thing to be remembering, but I really believe those things we learn as children stay with us throughout our lives, whether we want them to or not. My God shall supply for all my needs. He supplied for the need of encouragement today and will supply any other need I will have today. He is so good and so faithful. I am both renewed in my commitment to press on into this new season God has us in, and to continue inscribing God onto the hearts of our children. I want God to be able to use those things we teach them to encourage them when they are facing a difficult time.

Jehovah-jireh - "Jehovah will see it," or "Jehovah will provide," or "Jehovah will be seen." The first time this name was used for God was in Genesis. Abraham used it to celebrate God's provision of a ram to replace Isaac on the altar.
I believe the study we did was by C.H. Spurgeon.

The Weight of Parenting

The blog has been silent. It's on purpose. There's so much going on and I am a transparent writer. I'm not good at being vague. I try, but it's fake and I have worked hard not to be fake. Life is harder than I thought it was going to be. I thought the hardest things in my life all took place in my childhood. I couldn't have been more wrong. Childhood was hard, but I think the parenting thing has been harder still. To love little hearts that don't completely understand is difficult. To teach little souls the importance of character and integrity feels near impossible at times. I know what my hubby and I are doing is important. We know we are valuable in these hearts. I just wish sometimes, I wasn't. Then the mistakes I make, the things I screw up wouldn't haunt me so. I'm not sitting under a dark cloud feeling sorry for my self. I realize it may come across that way. I just feel the weight of the importance of our responsibility. It's hard. It's a sacrifice. It's a donation of myself and I realize that my husband and I are the only ones who truly understand how much we give. It's a lonely feeling sometimes. Our prayer is that God will bless what we do. That He will bless our efforts and cover our mistakes with His pure, complete, and life-changing love.