Faithwalking is easy for CHUMPS

This week the Pastor Man opened up Nehemiah's life a little more by examining the distractions he faced.   He's building the wall and these guys, their names is incredibly old school and hard to pronounce so I leave them out, are trying to get him to stop building.  Distractions!  You face distractions, I face distractions.  It happens.  I actually get to live this out in my week.  Recently my hubby and I have felt God asking me to reexamine the focus of my area of service.  We've prayed and prayed and agree with God (that's always a good conclusion isn't it) my focus will change.  The decision hadn't even been made for 2 minutes when I heard all the arguments in my head on why I should stay on my current course.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Not to mention, this week is the craziest week of our month.  So I'm also hearing arguments like, "And you think you can handle that? You're a fool!"  Seriously, no lie.  It's brutal.  At times, it's everything I can do not to quit.  Anyone who tells you a life of faith is easy...IS A CHUMP!  That's right, I said it, a CHUMP! You would think I would struggle with thoughts like these...

"What am I supposed to do?"  "Where should I serve?"  "How involved should I be?"  

NO! Those are the questions I already have answers to.  The thoughts I have been wrestling with go more like this...

"It's going to require every ounce of me."  "It's going to be hard."  "I'm going to have to depend on You God, otherwise this won't get done." 

I know what God is asking of me.  I know He can get it done in me.  What I don't know is this, how many times am I going to let Him down?  How many times am I going to want to quit?  How many times am I going to fight thoughts of inadequacy?  I get tired just writing it down.  Those are the thoughts I wrestle with, and I know I'm not the only one.  You just aren't talking about your wrestling match.  I know God is big enough, but if I commit to this I'm committing 100%.  There is no halfway, there is no "I'll see how it goes".  I do it or I don't.

What's my point? My point is, serving God is typically HARD.  No one gets it easy.  The Bible is full of stories of guys and gals who decided to serve God and then got their lives messed up.  We shouldn't be focusing on how to keep the faith walk easy, we should be focusing on how to fight while we're on the faith walk.  I'll share my strategies with you if you don't mind.  It's not that I think you need them, I just need to write them down, because today I am going to have to fight on my faith walk and I need to refresh my memory.

1. Pray.  Don't pray some fancy, wordy prayer.  When I'm start wrestling with feelings of inadequacy and thoughts of quitting I just pray a simple seemingly wimpy prayer.  "God I need you.  I need you.  I can't do this by myself. I need you."  Make it your own prayer but make it simple and to the point.

2. Read your Bible.  Yes, it works.  Read Nehemiah, read Psalms, read Proverbs, read SOMETHING.  Get familiar with what God says about you.  

3. Finally, Pray some more.

Repeat this process as necessary.  Don't get stuck on, "I should be beyond this" "I shouldn't be struggling with this." That's pride and that's sin.  It will only delay the process.

Now, to go and live what I write.

My Throw Down With God.

Me and God had a throw-down today.  It was pretty intense.  I was listening to the Pastor Man on the podcast today.  I missed the main event on Saturday night and wanted to find out what I missed.  We're going through Nehemiah and if you've been keeping up with the blog you know, I'm getting a lot out of it.  You would be too if you were listening in.  Anyway, I'm rabbit trailing.
So today I'm listening to the most recent talk and God starts whispering to me.  Mind you, He's been whispering for a while, but I've been deflecting Him with other conversations.  Today He would be heard.  It went something like this
GOD: Hey I really want you to do something.
Me: I am doing something.
GOD: I want you to do this thing though.
Me: Ummmm, I don't think this is God.
GOD: Yeah chick, it's me. 
Me: Ummmm, I don't really think that I want to do that.
GOD: But will you do it?
Me: Ummm, No?
GOD: Okay.
Me: Wait, wait, wait.....But I don't want to do it.
GOD: I heard you say that already.
Me: I'm going to end up doing it, You know I will.  You know I want to do whatever You want me to do, but I want to go on record as saying I don't want to do it, so You're going to have to do something about that.
Then the response was so appropriate, it melted my heart. 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

The big idea from the message was, Don't ask God what He wants you to do, ask God who He wants you to be.  As you start to see who God wants you to be, you start to behave out of that knowledge.  If you ask God what He wants you to do, it's easy to find reasons why you can't do it.  Ask God who He wants me to be?  I did.  Who He wants me to be, is different than what I want me to be.  But as I put the two together I realized, He's trying to give me a hope and a future.  And the two, do go together, just not in the way I was planning.  How can I go wrong with God's plan?  So, God wins, again.  Sweet defeat.

The Uniting Principle

As the Nehemiah series continues, I'm finding Iove this story.  I've said that before, but I'm saying it again, I LOVE IT!  This morning the Nehemiah Study Guide recommended we read over Ephesians 4:2-3.  Have you ever read that passage?  No, I mean really read it.  I added the first verse for context sake. 

I therefore,  a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ~Ephesians 4:1-3

After reading the passage, I thought, hmmm that's nice.  However, my curiosity was piqued.  What did that really mean?  Oh my!  I love words and language.  It is a passion of mine. So from time to time I'll study the words to get the full impact of the verse.  This is what I got.  Granted, it is my interpretation, so disagree if you will.

Angie Interpretation
Walk with humbleness of mind (you're not the best thing to happen to the world)
Walk with moral excellence that is useful (what good is it if you're moral and you are of no help to anyone)
Walk with a long enduring temper (in the same way that they get on your last nerve, you get on theirs so relax)
Hold yourself up in love for another (If you depend on others to make you feel good you'll get let down.  Besides feelings are fleeting and cannot be trusted.  So remember that you love them and operate out of that fact.)
Use speed, be prompt and earnest to keep the unity of the Spirit in the uniting principle of peace(Don't put making peace off until tomorrow, it may be too late.)

How different would churches look if we operated out of this understanding?  How different would our interactions with each other be?  How would our marriages endure?  How would our parenting change?  It's amazing to me to see how practical and useful this can be to my life.  I just thought I'd share it with you all.  Hope it helps.

A New Hat & a Strong Heart

Sometimes I smile when I think of what God has done in my life.  God has been so good, He's been just that good.  I was once so afraid of life, love, and new experiences.  This week, as I tackle tasks that require so much of me, I smile.  Who is this person?  Who does she think she is?  She believes she can change the world.  She is no longer filled with fear.  She looks for new experiences.  Who is this person?  She is a woman in love with God, the one who has been so faithful and good.  The Bible passage comes rushing to the front of my mind and I must share it. 

 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
   he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
~ Isaiah 61: 1-3

As Israel is in the middle of a hard age in history, at this point, they receive this promise from God.  I read this as a little girl and told God, if You can help these people, You can help me.  My heart was broken at a very young age, in my mind, I was poor, I felt like a prisoner of one who would choose evil over and over again, so I knew I would qualify for the blessing.  I realize I was a child and my thinking was a bit warped, but I believed God would give me a beautiful hat to replace the ashes someday.  I believed He would fill my life with gladness and give me a strong heart to replace the sadness and fear. It took a while to realize those dreams, but He has blessed my life so greatly.  I have clung to God with ferocity and when I have let go, He has held me even more ferociously.  I suppose my point is, God comes through.  He may not come through in our time frame, but He comes through in His time frame.  If your life is broken, if your heart is destroyed, if you are prisoner to sin, pain, hurt, anything, if you need a new hat and some new clothes to replace the rags of shame and disappointment....I have an answer for you...GOD.  God is so good....He's been just that good to this little girl from the neighborhood.

Are You Sure I'm the Trowel You Wanted?

It has finally happened.  I am a Feral Christian.  I found God as a little girl at 6 years old.  I gave Him my heart completely and He took that 6 year old little girl seriously.  That afternoon, I drove home in the back of a pick up truck singing crazy pentecostal songs with a 50-year-old man who found Jesus the same day.  We sang at the top of our lungs and we sang the song over and over again.  I was a crazy 6  year-old Christian who had no fear, no inhibitions, and no worries of what the world thought of me.  As I grew, I was tamed by religion. I was bound by piety. I was crippled by my pride.  At 30 I began to miss the crazy 6-year old.  I've journeyed to get back in touch with her.  Four years later, I'm reconnecting with the fearless, uninhibited, wild child I once was.  I believe God is big.  I believe He loves me.  I believe He's got big plans for my little life.
That being said, I'm struck by a thought today while I'm reading my Bible.  Our church is doing a series on Nehemiah and I am loving this story.  A slave decides he wants to rebuild the walls of a city he is descended from but has never visited.  I imagine him as a William Wallace, Maximus, or Leonidas type of guy.  I imagine him riding around on his horse, reminding the people of the power of the God they serve.  I imagine him carrying his trowel in one hand and his sword in the other.  Did I say a trowel? Yeah, the guy is building a wall.  As he is rebuilding the wall he's met with resistance, but is able to rally his countrymen to defend what is rightfully theirs.  What a story!
So the thought I am struck with is this: I must be prepared to do the work of a woman who believes and serves a big God.  I have children and it's a hard job.  I thought it would let up a little once they got older, but it's getting harder.  My days are no longer filled with changing diapers, breastfeeding, or holding little ones who need to be close.  My days are now filled with prayer, observation, prayer, imparting knowledge and wisdom, and prayer.  I have been moving forward in this season of my life with apprehension, insecurity, and downright fear.  As I envision Nehemiah walking around the wall encouraging the people of God to continue building, I imagine myself there.  My husband and I are God's tools and we are being used in the lives of Isaac and Elisa.  I must have faith that God is able to use me to do what He has planned for me to do.  Let's imagine I am the trowel and I spend my day as such...God, are You sure You want me? There are better trowels.  There are fancier trowels.  I am not the most expensive trowel.  I've got a dent and if you look closely, there's a chip here.  I know it says stainless steel, but maybe I'm really made out of plastic and am only covered with stainless steel paint... That wouldn't do.  No. As I thought about this I had this image instead...God walks into the garden center at Target.  He walks over to the trowels.  He looks and looks for the perfect trowel for Isaac and Elisa's lives.  He finds me.  He says, "This trowel is perfect.  It's just what I was looking for.  This trowel, will be the trowel I need to build the lives of Isaac and Elisa."  As I type this, tears fill my eyes.  God chose me to be their mother.  God chose me to be John's wife.  God chose me to be the daughter and sister in my extended family.  It wasn't an accident.  God didn't make a mistake and I didn't slip by without Him noticing.  He was deliberate.  I will surrender to that Will and move forward with confidence and courage. 

Have a Great Valentine's Day

Today I'd like to take some time and honor my Valentine.  My honey and I have been married for 14 years.  We've known each other for 17 years.  He is the love of my life and I thank God for him every day.  I have been honored to be the witness to his life and to have his as the witness of mine.  I've been keeping track this week of the romantic things he does for me.There are more than I can list so in honor of Valentine's day, I will only list 14.

~ Made sure the dishes were done even though he was tired, because he knew I'd been shuttling kids around all afternoon including a last minute shopping trip for Valentine's day class cards.
~ Joined me in helping the kids to get their Valentine's day cards finished.
~ Refilled the sweet n low bowl.
~ Prepared coffee for me every morning so that I could wake up to fresh brewed coffee smells.
~ Picked up my prescription on his way home.
~ Reminded me to take my meds because he knows I have no brain in the morning.
~ Brought me a glass of water to take my meds with.
~ Sent me text messages during the day to tell me how much he appreciated my contribution to the family.

~ Transferred the laundry from the washer to the dryer because he knows my shortness makes this a difficult task for me.
~ Opens the car door for me and gets frustrated when I open it for myself.
~ Got dinner started because he got home before we did and knew the kids would be hungry.
~ Lets me put my cold feet on his warm feet.
~ Allowed me to be a stay home mom even though he works like a mule to keep the bills paid.
~ And finally, He loves Jesus with all of his heart and that is incredibly romantic to me.

It's easy to overlook the every day tasks our man does as his expression of love.  It's easy to mourn over the lack of flowers, jewelry, and sweet loves notes.  I love those things as much as the next gal, but men are a gender of action and if you take a minute and pay attention, we will see they are screaming out their love for us in their own practical ways. 
Now before you start commenting on how easy I've got it, let me remind you, I give him three essential things.  These love acts are his response to my providing for three of his needs.
1. I pray for him when he frustrates me rather than talk him to death (God's better at getting through to him than I am.  I admit it freely.)
2. I tell him how proud I am of him and what an awesome husband and father he is.  He loves to hear it, why not say it?
3. Physical contact.  I heard a wise woman once say, "Go to sleep with one part of your body touching his."  Enough said.

I do these three things and in return I get a multitude of daily love acts.  I'd love to see every wife have a husband who cherishes her.  I'd love to see every husband have a wife who believe he is the hero of the home.  This blog post is me doing my part to see that vision become a reality.  Hey, ya can't blame a gal for trying, right?
Have a Great Valentine's Day

Broken Hearts and Tough Decisions

WOW!  Friday's events were more than I bargained for.  It has taken me 16 hours to take in the weight of it all.  I wasn't even able to speak about my reaction to it until 12 hours later.  My heart was broken for people.  I have never had that happen before.  I made the comment to a dear friend of ours that I have spent years as a Christian without having my heart broken for people...I then joked, "Can I really say I've lived the life of a Christian if my heart has not been broken?".  I watched a brave group of people decide to shut down a school.  Their hearts were heavy with the decision.  I then watched the same group of people make the decision to merge with another school.  They made the decision I feel was in the best interest of their community, but I could tell they understood the weight of the decision and, much like Frodo, they wished this task was not theirs to bear.
I'm left with a desperate feeling that there is something I should do to help, but our family is still trying to decide how our family will move forward with regards to this decision.  I wish only to be helpful.  I wish only to make a difference.  I wish most of all to be an example of the awesome God who I love and serve.  How to do that remains to be seen.

Four Schools and a Guarantee

Jeepers creepers! The past month has been a whirlwind of activity.  Our lives are filled with school, tang soo (martial arts), volleyball prep, basketball games, church, and meetings.  Our family has attended more meetings this year than last year this time.  Is it always this difficult to stay involved and informed?
Our school has been faced with the "opportunity" to merge with another school in an attempt to save funding for the district.  We are being asked to choose one of four schools to merge with.  I've been doing my part to stay informed and educated.  It's overwhelming.  Half way through the process I asked my husband this question: Why didn't they just decide for us?  It's so much energy and confusion and stress to think of what is in the best interest of my children's education.  But isn't that my job as a parent?  Yes, it is.  So, we've prayed, gathered information, researched, and researched some more and we've come to one conclusion: There are no guarantees we will make the "right" decision.  I think that is what I've been looking for in all of this research and it eludes me continually.
What it boils down to, is the system needs Jesus.  I am a parent who is involved and dedicated to the best interest of my children, whatever that may be, but not every child at my school has that.  For every parent that has a parent who shows up, we have two that don't.  For every child we have a home life that may or may not involve Jesus.  We've tried to make this decision based on the research we've done, but who's  to say that will not fail us.  There are no guarantees.  The only guarantee is Jesus and so we make our choice and trust He will meet us no matter where we land.

Nehemiah

Nehemiah....oh boy.  This book is going to get our church in a whole lot of trouble.  It's a good thing, don't get me wrong pastor man, but do you realize what you're doing? You're encouraging us to dream and pray and seek God regarding the plans He has for our futures.  God is giving me a vision and I know I'm not the only one.  My fellow Revolutionaries, do you realize what could happen to Tuscon if we all pursue those things that God has put in our hearts to do? Tucson will be turned upside down and inside out!  Boy oh boy oh boy....this could be big.  Can we hold to it? Can we persevere?  Can we stand the storm that comes when we decide to follow Jesus?  I can't wait to find out.

What The Heck Is Going On Here?!

What the heck is going on here?! Something is going on inside of my heart, my mind and scarier still...the depths of who I am.  I've been a Christian my whole life and I have never felt a passion stirring in me for those who don't know Jesus.  I can't stop talking about Him.  I can't stop thinking about Him.  If I didn't know better I would say I'm a new believer.  But I know what's really going on.  I've been praying that God would change my heart and soften it for Him and His people.  It's happening.  How have I gone this long without feeling this passion? If I didn't feel such an undescribable joy, I would feel sad about it.
So let me caution you who have called yourself Christian now.  Do not let your heart be hardened.  Don't start to think the way the world thinks.  God is big.  God is powerful.  But so much more importantly, God is loving.  and the best way for us to make His name famous is to allow Him to plant that love inside of our hearts.
Our church is going through a new series.  Building a City Within a City.  It is a study on Nehemiah.  The first one was awesome.  The pastor man referenced a Saturday night where he preached to 11 of us.  I remember that night.  I remember asking God that night if we were in the right place.  I saw how many people were there and it didn't look good.  I asked God for a sign.  Boy did He give me one.  That pastor man walked out on to the stage and preached.  He remembers sounding angry, I remember him sounding passionate.  I remember being floored by the passion with which he preached...to all 11 of us.  I've been asking God for the same passion.  It's taken a while, but I think I see sparks of it in my heart.  Are you passionate about God?  And if you are not, really start asking yourself, why?

A Story Worth Telling

You know those movies where the boy meets the girl. The love stories spent recalling how they almost fell in love several times. The meet, they part, they meet they part, one loves the other, it isn't reciprocated. Until the climax of the story, they meet in some sort of crisis and realize they can't live without each other and finally fall in love and live happily ever after. You know the stories I'm talking about. That is my story with God. The only twist is, He has always loved me faithfully. He's always been with me. I have always thought, "One day, I'll write my story and the world will be changed by it." I realize how vain that is now. I have spent too much time worrying that I have stories that will never be told. I worry that God has put me on a shelf to collect dust. I am so wretched. I don't deserve to have my story told for it is not my story. I don't deserve to have my name remembered. I don't deserve to be memorialized. I am a sinful woman. I have evil and selfishness in my heart. Any good that comes from my life has come at the hand of God. You, O GOD, have been the glory of my story. No one should want to remember me, nor should I want to be remembered. I have failed you over and over again. If any story is to be told about my life it should be the story of how I failed God over and over again and how He continued to bless my life. I didn't deserve it, nor did I earn it. I earned punishment, and consequence. God has given me favor. My story is no different from yours. The details may change, but God has been pursuing you just as He has pursued me. He loves you faithfully and completely, as He loves me. No. My story is no different. My good days, if I lined them all up together, would compose a paragraph, maybe. Nothing about me will change the world. I'm broken, I'm horribly imperfect, and I'm mean-spirited. My story will not make you want to follow God. God, now He's a different story. He's someone worth talking about. Did you know that He loved humanity so much that He took on human form so He could walk among us? Did you know that even though we were terribly mean to Him during His time on earth, He still loved us? Did you know He allowed Himself to be beaten and laughed at, by US, just so the price for our stupidity would be paid? Did you know that He willingly went to the cross? I would have used my power as God to put an end to the pain. I would have killed everyone who was hurting me. I would have sent us all to hell and started over and I would have felt completely justified. My bad choices, my mistakes, they all are my own doing. I chose those things. God chose to love me even though I did those things and still doing those things. No, my story isn't worth telling, unless I tell you that God is responsible for any good thing in my life. The husband I have, God gave him to me. The family I am a part of, God gave that family to me. The children I have, God gave them to me. The love that has filled my life, God is responsible for that. The peace that lives with me, it is the peace God gives. Every good and perfect thing comes from God. Do you have that? You should. God wants to give it to you. So what I know now is that, my story isn't worth telling, but if you ask me, I will tell you about the God that loves you so much and wants to come into your story and fill it with all of the love He has for you. That story would never end.

Goodbye 2009

December 31st is usually a day I take to look over the past year.  What have I done with my life?  How have I spent my time? Have I made God's name famous with my life?


As I look back over the year, the one event that changed my life was the news of a carcinogenic polyp.  It had no physical impact on my life, but the spiritual and emotional impact lasted all year.  Cancer.  It took me a while to grasp the impact of it.  At first I was angry, and then I was terrified.  I could die someday.  We found it quite by accident, but God is so sovereign, there are no accidents with Him.  My immediate thoughts went to "What if we had not found that? I would have died and left my family here without me."  My next thought was, "Have I been diligent to teach my children?"  The answer was no.  That was in January.  The remainder of the year I spent on my face! "I have been a poor steward of the life God has given me. Help us to prepare their hearts for You." I believe God is answering my prayer.  We've got a long way to go, but I am learning to savor each moment with my children.  The moments of their childhood are fleeting.  I want to be a good steward with these precious little lives, no matter how much they frustrate me.
In two years, I'll have to go again and allow the doctors to search for new carcinogenic polyps.  I cannot control what they will find, believe me I've done my research.  There is nothing I can do to control what grows and develops, but God can.  I want to say at that point, that I have been a good and faithful, but not perfect, steward of my life, regardless of what they find or don't find.
So, 2009 has been a year of deaths for me.  Death to the ideas I once held, death to the things I though were so important, death to the worry over trivial matters, death to my flesh, death to my flesh again, and death to my flesh some more.  It has been a good year and I am so glad that I survived, no I take that back. I am so glad that God has been free to grow me and develop me despite the struggles.  I look forward to 2010.  I do not know what it holds.  I only know God will have His way and I cannot wait to see what that looks like.

What Am I Doing and Why?

As I have kept this blog I have come to a point where I wonder....what's the point? Why do I keep this blog? If I stop to think about it, it is quite arrogant of me to think that the world wants to hear the ponderings of a homemaker from the tumbleweeds. What do I have to say that is so different from anyone else in the world? Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for pats on the backs or encouragements, I'm seriously asking the question of myself.

I began this blog in an attempt to reconnect with some lost part of myself, a part that was vital to the quality of my life. That was two years ago. What I have learned is that I am wild. I am rambunctious. I am sensitive. I don't much like that discovery, but I am a girl and I am sensitive. I am passionate about my family. It explains why I take my job with them so seriously. It is something I feel passionately about and will stop trying to feel otherwise. I do like order when the time calls for it, but otherwise I love the chaos of life. It often stresses me out, but I am learning to savor it and almost enjoy it. My job at this time is to raise my children. My job until I die is to love, serve, and respect my husband. My job to come is beginning to become clear, but it does frighten me at times. However, I'm not completely clear, so I'l keep this one under my hat. But the most important discovery is that I love Jesus and He loves me so completely. It is a love I do not understand or even wish to explain. It is a love I choose to accept and embrace.

So one goal of my blog is being met. It will be a lifelong process I'm sure. Now to figure out what to do next.

Men and Women

I got the opportunity to revisit my past yesterday. I believe it's good to do this once in a while to grab a sense of how much growth has occurred. The portion I visited had to do with my view of men and women and their relation to each other. I was amazed to find that my ideas on this topic have changed almost completely since the days of my teen-hood.

I watched many versions of relationships and decided early on that I would never depend on a man. I would never allow a man to be EVERYTHING to me. I would marry a man, I would love a man, I would allow a man to be the father of my children, but I would remain in control. I realize now that this was my response to being hurt by men over and over again. I did not realize that at the time. I spent the first several years of my marriage trying to maintain control. It was quite comical as I look back on it now. If you know my husband you know that he is a happy go lucky kind of guy, but he is strong. He'll allow me my illusion of control. He'll allow me to think I've got everything organized, but we both know, it's a joint effort. We need each other and it's a beautiful thing. Once we got past my need for control and his need to be invincible we have found we make a pretty good team.

I read in Genesis 2 today about the creation of man and woman and realized, this is the way God set it up. We compliment each other. We challenge each other. We encourage each other to grow. We hold each other accountable when we don't. Why do we fight it so fiercely? Why do we fight to be independent of each other? It's no wonder we have such a lack of strong men willing to do the job of husbanding and fathering. We've spend the past few decades telling them we don't need them. We women have convinced men and ourselves that we can do anything they can do better. Why would we need them? No wonder they have checked out. I agree...we may be able to do some things better, but why would be want to use that knowledge to push them out of the picture? Why wouldn't we want to use our knowledge to help them to become the best men they can be? We all benefit from their strength. We all benefit from their presence. We all benefit from their contributions to society. These are just questions I have running around in my mind today as I remember how fiercely I fought to do my husbands job. I find such peace and contentment in using my gifts to help him become the man God has called him to be. I find such joy and pride as I watch him take his place in society as a strong man of God. I enjoy such relief as I watch him father our children and know, they will have an opportunity I never had. He pursuing his role as a man and I am pursuing my role as a woman. It's better than the control I thought I had...so much better.

Moving The Human Mountain

Webster's first two definitions of faith are:
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof

Faith has been the common thread of my life. Everything I hear and read has some connection to faith. My adult life seems to be much like that of all adults; full of life's complications, frustrations, and disappointments. Because I was raised in a family of faith, there came a time when I wanted to know personally what this faith meant for me. It sent me on a journey of questions and investigations that led to an idea I hold personally. I knew what others told me their faith was and foolishly, I tried to imitate their description of faith. Faith cannot be imitated. Faith is as personal and unique as a preference of coffee, in my estimation. Everyone likes a Starbucks beverage, and if you don't then there is just something wrong with you. But all kidding aside. Everyone likes coffee in some way shape or form. It might be the Mocha Latte, the Double Shot Espresso, or the Caramel Mocha Frappaccino Light with no whipped cream. It could even be that the only coffee you take is in icecream. It is the same with faith. I cannot expect my husband to demonstrate his faith the same way I do. I am a woman. I cry when I feel God move, I sing when God touches my heart. My husband's responses to God in his life are very different. So investigating your faith can be a good thing.

So, here's what I came up with. Belief must come before faith and faith cannot come without belief. I know, hang with me. I must believe in God to have faith. I must believe He is who He says He is. I must believe what He says about me and what He promises me. My faith is the evidence of that belief. My faith is the proof of what my belief is. The integrity of my belief will be shown in my faith. Faith should be active and in alignment with what I believe. If I believe God loves me, I will behave as though He does. If I believe God wants to bless me to be a blessing, I should start being a blessing. I do not wait for Him to bless me because I already know He will. I act on my belief even without the proof. It is behaving based on what I believe, not believing to change my behavior. You can believe, but if you are refusing to act based on those beliefs, do you really believe? It is in our nature to get lazy and expect God to move on our behalf while we stand idly by and wait for something to happen. It is in our nature to ask God to prove His existence by acting on our behalf. We ask Him to prove His greatness by moving a giant mountain. The reality is this: the mountain He wishes to move is my heart. The greater power is the one that ejects me from my comfort zone and prods me to move AND to do it with my permission. The greater miracle is the one that occurs when a hard stubborn heart allows itself to be softened and tenderized to God. Now, THAT mountain, is often much more difficult to move.

Ultimately, I made a choice. There was no proof. I made a choice. And my prayer is this; Everything that has followed that choice is evidence of my faith.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

August 16, 1998

I love reading my bible and finding scriptures with dates next to them. I found the date 8-16-98 marked next to Amos 9:11-14.

In that day I will restore the fallen house of David.
I will repair it's damaged walls.
From the ruins I will rebuild it and restore it's former glory.
And Israel will possess what is left of Edom and all the nations I have called to be mine
The Lord has spoken, and he will do these things.
“The time will come,” says the Lord, “when the grain and grapes will grow faster than they can be harvested. Then the terraced vineyards on the hills of Israel will drip with sweet wine!
I will bring my exiled people of Israel back from distant lands, and they will rebuild their ruined cities and live in them again. They will plant vineyards and gardens; they will eat their crops and drink their wine.

As I read through this verse I tried to remember what was going on in August 1998 that made this verse so important that I would want to remember it. Then it hit me. It was a painful time in my life. We had just experienced a miscarriage and I was devastated. I had been operating under the belief that if I followed God's rules, I would not experience loss and pain. And if I did experience loss and pain, it was a direct result of my sin. You can imagine how the loss of this child would cause me to question what I believed. What sin had I partaken in that warranted the loss of my unborn child? What had I done to deserve the death of my child? Surely my sin wasn't that great! It wasn't the child alone I grieved, it was the hopes, dreams, and aspirations that were assigned the child. I had suffered events in my youth that made me question my ability to have children. I had sighed with relief when I learned of my pregnancy.
"God has been faithful! I will get to bear children. I will get to fulfill my hopes of being a mother." SLAM! The miscarriage had shut that door. Maybe I wouldn't get to carry children. It wasn't fair. I was to suffer for the sins of others. IT WAS NOT FAIR. God seemed cold and far. He seemed uncaring and cruel. I wanted to turn my back on Him and I did for a short time. I thumbed my nose at Him and let Him know I could handle my life without Him. I have never been so alone or so afraid in all of my life. And then, I heard the story of Isaac and Abraham. I had heard it before but this time it was different. I commiserated with Abraham as he took his hopes and dreams, his promises of a future....Isaac...and laid them on an altar. He loved God more than what he had been promised. He was being asked to trust God even though it didn't make sense. I don't know why I read Amos that day. But I did. The promise God gave to Israel struck a chord with me. I felt as if I had been pillaged of everything that was pure and good. I felt desolated and ravaged. All that I had dreamed of and hoped for had been taken. But I also knew that God was my life. I needed Him more than I needed to be a mother. I laid my dreams of motherhood and bearing children at the altar and held Amos 9 as my receipt. I would trust God, but I would hold Him to His promise of restoring what had been taken. I felt a peace that day that I had never known. I chose to believe that no matter what my future held, I would serve God. He was life and without Him I had no purpose. If I was to live life without children, then there must be another purpose for my life. I found out within that week that I was carrying my first child, Isaac D'Artagnan.

Not all stories turn out the way we want them to. God doesn't always come through for us the way we want Him to. The pastor man is always saying that I agree with him. He didn't come through for John the Baptist and save his life. He didn't come through for me and save my child. But I have learned to trust that He's got a purpose for it all.

It is amazing to me to see how His promise is being fulfilled. I can see how God has repaired the holes of my life. I can see how God has been restoring and rebuilding my life. He has given me courage when I had none. He has given me joy, when I had lost all hope. He has given me love, when I had shut my heart to all love. He has been so good to me. He has been so faithful. His love for me has never once been too little or not enough. Even when I thought He was so far away, He was there.

Confidence Builders and Guilt Busters

This week I've put my actions behind my words. I heard a quote at the beginning of the week and decided to put it into action. Angie paraphrase "The best way to develop confidence in kids is to allow them to struggle through a difficult task until they succeed." It was one of those quotes that I heard and thought "That is so true and so many parents don't do it." It was at this moment that a little voice inside challenged me..."Neither do you." OUCH! Everything in me fought against this. Yes I do. I do allow my children to struggle through difficult tasks. But then I got to thinking...then why do they lack confidence? I allow them to struggle with it, but I don't allow them to struggle until they succeed. So I've been challenging the kids to different things and staying out of the way so they can succeed. They have done well. I've noticed a little bit of confidence beginning to emerge and it's really cool to watch happen. However, the proof was in the happenings of last night. Each child had a task they DID NOT want to complete. The children have studied me and know the fastest way to get out of the work they are supposed to do. How do I know, their tactics were precise and effective last night and I nearly gave in.
Elisa continued to stall and allow herself to be distracted from her task. She came out of the office every 5 minutes to pet the dog, ask what was going on, even the shameless tactic of "Mommy, I love you, I just need a hug cause this is so hard." She's good. Everything in me wanted to jump in and help her focus. Thank God my husband was there, because I kept myself in check knowing he would hold me accountable to what I had been purposing to do. Isaac's approach is different. He plays on my emotions and my sympathies for his feelings. He whines, complains, he may even start to cry, and then finally diverts attention from the task at hand with jokes or physical humor. Everything in me wanted to tell him to quit and just go to bed. But again, my husband was working with him, and I knew he would hold me accountable to what I had been purposing to do. So, I distracted myself with Facebook comments and Sudoko puzzles. I kept silent and did nothing. They each succeeded at their tasks and both walked away from their tasks feeling a little taller. It was so amazing to watch them in the giddiness of their success. It did bring a tear to my eye.

I learned something about myself last night, though. I'm not trying to make their lives easier, I'm trying to make my life easier. I do not like to hear the whining, complaining, and crying they do. It makes me feel like a bad parent. I begin to hear lies of "What a mean parent you are. Why don't you just help them, you know they can't do it alone. They are going to grow up hating you and write books about you. They'll end up on Oprah's couch talking about what a heartless mother you were. Yup...You suck as a mother." I know they are lies right now, but in the heat of the moment I am almost paralyzed by them. I am just so thankful that God gave me the strength last night to allow them the opportunity to develop confidence and that he helped me to bust the guilt that I was trying to embrace. Good lessons, hard lessons, but good nonetheless.

Struggles Provide Confidence Growing Opportunities

I remember the day John & I brought each of the children home from the hospital/birth center. Different thoughts and emotions were present with each child. With Isaac, joy, fear, worry, doubt, confusion, and relief that he was finally home, as he was born sick and didn't come home until nearly a month after delivery. With Elisa, I felt excited, nervous, at peace, scared, and impatient to get on to the business of parenting. Each of these experiences fostered responses in me, responses that have molded my parenting technique. One response has gotten me into a bit of trouble. "I will make life easier for my children." WHAT!? I think the pain of life ,often, is so much to bear that we wish it away. We forget how we have grown, matured, been imaginative, loved, learned, and found treasures of friendship and strength that one cannot gain without pain. I've cheated my children out of that experience. I've asked my husband to do the same. He, of course, usually ignores my request, thank God. I heard someone say yesterday that the way you grow confidence in your kids is to allow them to struggle with the things of their life until they succeed at them. So, I put the idea to the test yesterday. I allowed each of my children to do a difficult task. I allowed them to struggle with it until they succeeded. It was difficult for ME! I wanted to move them aside and take over. I wanted to ease the frustration they were experiencing. BUT the thing I found was most prevalent, I wanted to END THE WHINING! Whoa! Maybe my desire to make life easier comes from the desire to make my life easier? I didn't like that realization. They finally succeeded and guess what, they did feel confident. I've known that pain and difficult situations in my life provide an opportunity to grow, I now need to transfer that train of thought over to my parenting.

Day 15 of The 30 Day Sex Challenge

The 30 Day Challenge...WOW! My heart is so full. I'm not sure how to start this particular post. I've got so much in my heart to share and don't want to overwhelm anyone with it. But I'll just take one thought at a time and see what happens.

So this Saturday the pastor man and his beautiful (both internally & externally) wife covered the topic of sex. I know, in church? They covered this tricky topic and did a good job. It was a bit awkward at times, but it went well. I think the church stays too silent on the topic of sex and what God desires of married couples and FOR married couples. He created sex to be a connection of two hearts and souls and often our society uses it as nothing more than a handshake. How sad is that? But that isn't what I wanted to focus on. However, here is a link to the message if you want to check it out. Be prepared, it's not what you're normally going to hear. Check it out, it's a good series.

The idea of the 30 Day Sex Challenge was a little daunting for me. I love the physical relationship with my husband, but I knew that God was going to do something in my heart and mind during this season. I wasn't sure I wanted to allow Him to do that work. I've avoided it for nearly two decades. I wasn't quite sure what I was avoiding, but I knew I did not want to look at it. I was, terrified of what we would find there. As we move into day 15 of the challenge, I'm glad I have opened my heart to it. I have found ugliness; self hatred, fear, and confusion. But what I have also found truth and in that truth I have found FREEDOM! My heart, during this series, has been for those who have been wounded by the enemy's version of sex. The abuse, the pain, the selfishness, and ultimately the devastation that happens when the enemy takes what God created and twists it for his own purposes. I am a survivor, no a warrior and victor of this version of sex. The details are unimportant to me now, but what is important is that God is continually healing my heart and mind from the bondage's that once kept me hostage. Why am I bringing it up, because I realize there are many who have been wounded deeply in the same way. Many of you find it difficult to enjoy the relationship God has given you in marriage. Many of you find it hard to open your heart to God and to your spouse. Many of you live with the fear that often accompanies these chains. I know I can't change it for you, but I do know someone who can. Even now as I continue with these words, I ask myself, "What do you think you can do about it? This is a blog. What difference will it make?" Maybe none, but maybe, just maybe it will help you. Maybe you will read these words and maybe you know the desire to be free from the pain of it all. Jesus! Maybe you're tired of reliving the memories. Jesus! Maybe you just want it all to finally be over, the pain, the hurt, the mistrust, the anger. Jesus! Jesus, my friend, will answer. He'll be there. I wish I could do more, but maybe this is all I am supposed to do for now. I pray for you and know that God is so powerful and able to do great things in your life. I know He's done great things in mine.

The Winner in My Reality

What do you do when you start to get bogged down with your reality? Okay maybe that doesn't make sense...let's try it this way.
You're having a great day. It's nice and cool. The wind on your face has hints of winter in it. The smell of cooler weather teases. Summer is almost gone. You can feel it. You feel re-energized. This has been a good day. Then REALITY hits you. Maybe it's an illness, maybe it's a difficult relationship, maybe it's a situation you have been ignoring, no matter what it is...it hits you and steals the joy you felt just seconds ago. You begin to think about the reality of your life and begin to feel weighted down with it. It almost seems unbearable. It's suffocating the joy from your life. What do you do in that moment? Do you have a plan?
As you may have guessed it's been a rough morning, but I'm getting through it and winning the battle. I have made a plan and have a strategy to get through these mornings. I still struggle sometimes, who doesn't? But I remember the days when I lost more than I won and I wondered, do you have those days? Do you lose more than you win? Do you have a plan, a strategy?
I'd like to share mine with you. This morning my son had a seizure...he has epilepsy. His seizures are so infrequent that it is almost easy to forget he has it. And then mornings, like this morning happen and reality hits us. It isn't that I fear for his life, God has promised me that he will be fine. I don't know what that means and I don't know how He will keep that promise, but I know that He never fails on His promises. But I do have a sense of guilt after mornings like the one I had today. "Could I have prevented it? Could I have done something different? Should I have sent him to school afterward? Will he be emotionally scarred? Will he be okay?" I begin to forget that God has it in His control. So what do I do?
1. Remember God's promise and that He is faithful.
2. I listen to some Kirk Franklin fighting music. It changes my mindset from victim to predator. I will not be the victim of my reality, I will be the VICTOR.
3. I share my thoughts with God. Many times if I vocalize them, they don't sound so crazy anymore. OR sometimes I realize how silly my thoughts are and am able to turn them over to God.
4. I find some way to do something for someone else. This gets my focus off of myself and my reality.
5. I remember that my feelings are not reality and work very hard not to make any decisions based on my feelings. Feelings are fleeting and come and go with the wind.
I hope that helps. It's helped me. If you haven't noticed, I'm working steps 3 and 4 with this here blog.
Now, I'm ready to go and take on my day and be the winner in my reality.
GO GOD!