Who's In Charge Here?

So I've been feeling icky lately and couldn't figure out what was going on. I did all kinds of tests. CT scans, blood work, urinalysis and everything seemed fine. I've even had an ultrasound. The whole time I kept hearing a question in the back of my mind..."Will you let me heal you even if you don't know what I'm healing you of?" I'm a control freak! I'm ashamed to admit, this question was easy for me to answer...NO! I need to know what is wrong. God can't heal me without telling me what He's healing me of, that's just not the way we do it. Well, after 6 hours in the ER with great painkillers on board, very little sleep, and an "We can't see anything wrong with you Angelica" I was done. My need to feel better won over my need to know what was wrong. This was taking time from my children, my husband, myself and not to mention I was not going to be the reason we missed our trip to California. Yes, I finally resigned, yes God can heal me without telling me what's going on. Yes, God can make me feel better even when I don't have the control. Yes, God You can be in charge!
I had the wonderful opportunity to sing two of my new favorite songs back to back on Saturday and they never meant more to me than that night. Let My Words Be Few and In Christ Alone. The first song sings of the realization that I am so in awe of who God is and words cannot be what expresses my emotion, as they do not do Him justice. The second sings of my dependency on God. There is a line in the first verse that meant so much to me that night...What heights of love, what depths of peace...When fears are stilled, when strivings cease....My Comforter, my All in All....Here in the love of Christ I stand. When the fears of who I am without God are quited, when strivings for control and power cease, all I find myself in the greatest love and peace: In Christ alone. That is more than I deserve and all I need.
By the way, God is so gracious. I felt better almost immediately and figured if God had the power to do that I didn't need to know the answer. He gave me the answer anyway. I had a ruptured ovarian cyst. He gives me so much more than I deserve.

Vampire Snack

So I got to be a vampire snack today for the nurse. That was not too bad. We're checking for any vitamin deficiencies. Cool. Didn't know blood could tell you all of that. I get to take pictures of my insides on Friday. That should be pretty eventful. I'm trying to get everything done before we leave for California.
Oh yeah, California. We will be leaving on Tuesday for our annual trip to Salinas to visit John's sister and then off to DISNEYLAND! It's our wind town trip after the volleyball season. The kids give up time with us during the volleyball season and this has been our way just to spend some time with our kids. We'll get ready for our the holiday season when we get home. We are so excited about the holiday season. We love Christmas here at the Whitby home. But that is another post entirely. I'm looking forward to visiting with our California family and looking forward to catching up. Either way, the testing will be done and I'll be able to relax.

A Case of the Icky's

So I've been feeling like crap lately. It is so frustrating to me to not feel 100% as I like to go full strength into everything I do. I've been doing the doc thing and we can't figure it out. Part of me wonders if the stress of the year is taking it's toll and part of me worries that it's something that will cause more stress this year. I don't know. Either way, I'm admitting it to myself, I feel like crap. Maybe it's like a 12 step thing. The first step to getting better is to admit that there is a problem. Maybe my key to getting better is to admit that I feel like crap. Let's see if it works.

What Are You Passionate About

Just two of the things I'm passionate about

Someone once asked me what I was passionate about. At the time I wasn't sure how to answer. I am passionate about my family. It is my highest priority, other than being a godly woman, to be a great wife to my wonderful husband and a godly mother to my highly energetic children. It isn't easy to fulfill these tasks. It is the hardest work I have ever done. I've been thinking about it for a while and I realized I know what I am passionate about. I am passionate about families. I am passionate about sharing my experiences in an effort to help other women achieve their dreams of family. Everyone has something they are passionate about and I love that they vary greatly from person to person. My passion it family and keeping them whole. I don't know how God will use that for His service, but I am open to finding out.

Now That I'm a Green Belt

So, if you haven't already heard I am now a Tang Soo Do Green Belt. I don't know why, but I felt a sense of respect for myself. I do have to admit, I was very nervous for this test. I have been nervous before, but this was way different. When I stood before my Master to perform my form, I felt a sudden terror come over me. I know this terror. It is the feeling I get right before I do something I have been studying to do and realize I am about to do it. I usually chicken out, or get so nervous that I fumble my way through whatever it is. Saturday, I went into a mode I have been practicing but have not used until that day.
Sidebar - When we being class, we stand at attention, we salute the flag, we bow our heads, we then salute the master and begin our techniques. Now, when we bow our heads, I have begun repeating one thing in my head every practice. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).
Back to the story, I had done this on Saturday morning before we began testing. As I stood to perform, and felt the fear begin to creep in, I heard a voice whisper to me...Do not forget, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. That's right! I remembered! I looked my master in the eyes and focused my fear into a little ball and put it to the side and began to perform. I did not know how I did. I don't even remember performing, but I was not afraid. When I was done, I returned to my spot on the wall, but I was shaking so much I couldn't sit still. I had done it. I had been afraid and I had done it with confidence and strength. I am told by those who were there that my form was strong and clean. The moves were crisp and sharp. That makes me feel good, but not as good as knowing that I was terrified out of my mind and did it well.

Now, the board break with a side kick took me four tries. I was afraid to kick the masters fingers. I did kick her fingers. So, I figured after that it couldn't get much worse. I knew I was kicking wrong and I was pushing and not snapping, but the incredible thing about that was this: The thought of quitting never entered my mind. The white belt Angie would have quit after the first one. The green belt Angie kept kicking until the board was broken. Quitting was never an option. I was determined to break it and that felt good too.
When I was a white belt, I didn't know I would develop strength and courage as I pursued each belt level. Now that I'm a green belt I look forward to the new challenges that await me.

Another Year Older

Anyone who knows me, knows I am very introspective when it comes to anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays. It's my birthday again. I remember the days when the year between my birthdays just seemed to drag on and on. I couldn't wait to be 13 or 16 or 18 or 21. Now, the years just seem to fly by and my birthdays sneak up on me, tap me on the shoulder and yell SURPRISE!
I must admit, though, that I am very happy with my life. I am happy to be the wife of a godly man who adores me and would swim through shark infested waters just to bring me a glass of wine. I am happy to be a mother, who is finally having more good days than bad days, and realizes she has some pretty cool kids. I am in a family that is one of the best families a woman can be a part of. It has been work, the hardest work I have ever done, but it has been so worth it. I am 34 and happy and proud of the choices I have made and how God has blessed those choices.

Here We Go Again

I'll be honest. There is no actual point to this point. It is my vain attempt to keep from losing my mind today. Doesn't it seem like life keeps moving even when you're calling for a time out? I know it does for me. However, amidst the kids fighting and screaming, I have stolen away for a few minutes of mental rest. A deep sigh escapes my lips and I realize I should go pray.

Parenting Quote of the Day

So I heard a parenting quote today and I'm convinced it needs to be my parenting motto for the next 15 years.

Most of the time, being a good parent feels crappy.
~Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Isn't that the truth? I find that a good amount of the time I have deny my kids things. I do it becuase it is in their best interest. I don't like to deny them anything, but I realize that if I give them everything, I may be doing them a dis-service. When they were babies, I was responsible to meet all of their needs, but as they grow, I find my responsibility shifts from meeting all fo their needs to teaching them to meet their own needs. This requires mistakes, failures, and errors. It's hard to watch them go through those things sometimes, but I find great pride in watching them succeed.
I will endure the crappy feelings of discomfort and pain to allow them the opportunity to mature and grow and learn from life's experiences.

Jude

I began reading through Jude yesterday, and I was amazed to read that Jude had other plans for this letter. He had intended to address something entirely different, until God changed his plans. I only got that far yesterday when I began a conversation with God. Isn't it like Him (God) to change people's plans? Actually, I think we are the ones who change His plans. My husband and I like to talk about what the future holds for us and at times, I admit, I am a little hesitant at discovering what God's plans are for me. I believe, in a vain effort to stay in my comfort zone, I make my own plans and then feel betrayed and hurt when God reminds me that our plans are not matching up. So far, I like the tiny book of Jude. I can't wait to keep discovering it's insight.

Solomon's Songs...Fact or Fiction

So I've been reading up on the Song of Solomon...I think I already said that and I have a thought. I hear a lot of debate about Solomon and his ability to be a good husband to 900+ women and I have a suggestion. There is no evidence, or is there...I might be mistaken in this...that Solomon was writing a documentary. If I read the first verses correctly it was a poem or song written by Solomon. I hear people speak of how it might be impossible for Solomon to experience this kind of marriage relationship. Maybe he didn't. Maybe the Song of Solomon was written by a man longing for this kind of love. Again, I could be completely wrong. Maybe this book was written for us women. Maybe it was written by a man to show us what a man desires of his woman. Maybe it was written to give us an idea of how important our presence is in their lives. Maybe it was written to give us permission to enjoy every aspect of our marital relationship. Maybe that's why they read it during Passover. Maybe they needed to remember that with all of the crap we have to put up with in life, God gave us the gift of marriage to get us through the harsh reality life can be.
My husband and I have been discussing this book and he assures me that a lot of what Mark Driscoll and my pastor Josh Reich say is true. I highly recommend you check their ideas out. Men do want the things Solomon sings about. I don't know if Solomon's songs are fictional or factual. I don't know if there was a woman who filled the longings of his heart the way the Shunamite woman did. But I do know this from reading his book.
1. God gave me permission to be a wife who fully enjoys every aspect of her marriage
2. It doesn't matter how much money or wisdom a man has, he still desires to have the love of a good woman.
3. My husband rocks!

Let's Talk About Sex...just for a minute

So we've been doing a series on the Songs of Solomon at our church, I know, it's **sex**. I'm not sure where the idea came from that once we give our hearts to God and ask Him to take control of our lives we become these non-passionate people. It almost seems that married Christians equate holiness with bland sexuality or no sexuality, and I'm learning through my personal studies, that's wrong! That Song of Solomon woman is anything but bland. She is sensuous, alive, passionate, attractive, and godly. She found her husband irresistible. But guys you have to admit, he made it pretty hard to resist. So help us out.
Now I understand there is an appropriate time for fasting from intimacy, but only for a short period of time. Then we are to resume intimacy to help each other from stumbling.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ~I Corinthians 7:5 (NLT)

But don't forget that a couple of verses prior we are told this:

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 (NLT)

So if I understand this verse correctly, I have sexual rights over my husband just as he has rights over me. So, if I deny him out of a desire to punish, retaliate, or gain revenge I am in sin. Yeah...I don't even want to go there.
Ladies, we've been really bombarded with a lot of information on spousal abuse and how to prevent sexual assault from the opposite sex. We've even been sold the line that our bodies are our own and we have the right to do whatever we want with our bodies. It's our choice. But this verse says differently. Once we are married we give authority of our bodies to our husband. I know sounds harsh, BUT don't forget, he gives authority of his body to us.
So let me challenge you single gals, choose wisely, because the man you take for a husband, will be the man to whom you give power. And to you married ladies I challenge you, exercise your rights over his body. I'm sure he won't complain. Can you think of a better way to relax and unwind from a hectic day of people demanding EVERYTHING from you? I can't.

Fears & Insecurities

Fear and Insecurity seem to be a predominant theme in my life right now. I have fears and insecurities and I deal with them in a particular way. I know they are there and I work hard in God's grace, wisdom, and power not to let them overwhelm me. I know they are the very things that will damage my ministry as a wife, mother, and woman if I entertain them.
I know I am not the only one who battles with fear and insecurity, however, I wonder. What are the fears and insecurities others battle? How do we as Christians battle with fear and insecurity? Is it different than how the world battles it? Why don't we talk about our fears and insecurities more? Isn't that what helps us to gain the upper hand in relation to our fears and insecurities?
These are just questions I am asking today.

Train Up a Child

We had one of "those" parenting nights last night. A battle of the wills where only one side could be the victor. Those of you who are parents of preteen boys understand what kind of battle we were up against, those of you who aren't, will one day know. It wasn't the "I hate you and wish I wasn't your child" kind of defiance. It was the "I'm becoming a man and I want to know who's in charge here" defiance. When you are in the middle of it you are thinking, "Are you serious? This has got to be a joke. Someone abducted my sweet boy and left this anger ball in his place." It's hard and I wanted to quit. I wanted to just let him be in charge in hopes of wooing my sweet child back into reality. That wouldn't work and I knew that, but I tend to look for the exit when difficult times face me. Instead, I prayed. We prayed. He didn't snap back into reality like I wanted him to, but we were able to stand our ground in a loving way. Someone once told me that when you start to hear accusations against your heart and soul that you might be on the right track and to stay the course. Well, let me tell you, we must have been on the right track last night because the accusations were flying, but we stayed the course and our son did what we asked.
Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path,
and when they are older, they will not leave it. (NLT)

Let Me Suffer Well

So I've been listening to Mark Driscoll's recent podcast about prayer, which you can check out here, and he said three things that struck me as interestingly true.
One - When you come up again pain, difficulty, suffering, hardships...whatever you turn to is your functional savior. Food, drugs, alcohol, anger...those are functional saviors, but the best place to go is to God. HE is the complete Savior.
Two - Jesus did not pray for the "IF hardship comes moment" He prayed for the "WHEN hardship comes" moment. It will come. I should pray that God would get me through it, not out of it.
Three - I should not pray that dark, bleak moments be kept from me. Jesus, when He prayed in Gethsemane, prayed for deliverance from His future, but then went on to pray that God would let Him suffer well, let Him be betrayed well, let Him bleed well, let Him die well. If I am going to suffer I might as well not waste it, I should redeem it. I should pray that as I suffer through those moments, God would be honored and glorified as a result.

This week has been hard. We have been threatened with the loss of a family member. We are suffering. But our prayer has to be...let us suffer well. It brings peace knowing that whatever lies ahead, God will be glorified. We have determined that in our family heart.

Brutal Honesty

One of the things I love about my relationship with God is that He is so honest with me. Sometimes, I would rather not hear what He is saying, but it is all stuff that will help me to grow and develop as a godly person. Like the other day, when things weren't going how I had planned them to go, I complained to God that other people got to do things as they had planned. Why not me? He so lovingly pointed out that those people did a better job of organizing and executing their plans than I did sometimes. OUCH! Not what I wanted to hear. Or like the same day when I was complaining that if I had the tools I could do my job better. After all, other people got the tools they wanted and that was why they were so successful in their jobs....to which He responded, ever so lovingly, that those people could be trusted with what HE had given them. YIKES! Yes, I love how honest God is with me. I admit, I don't like it when He's honest with me in the moment, but in hindsight I realize He's probably right. After all, He's God, He must be right....right?

MRI, iPods, and missed classes

Okay so today had a frustrating start. My son had an appointment to have an MRI done. We all woke up early (no small feat with my princess who sleeps until 8 or 9) and headed across town to keep our appointment. I suggested my son might be able to take the iPod in with him, but wasn't positive. Well, turns out he couldn't take it in. Which set off a chain of events that would spiral quickly out of control and end with us leaving the office un-MRI'ed and frustrated. Yes, I realize that isn't a word, but I'm using it anyway. He wouldn't even step foot into the room and it was painfully obvious there was no way to make him do it and not look like the mother who is traumatizing her son in front of the tech's. Anyway, we left the office after 20 minutes of negotiating and comprimising without the MRI and feeling defeated. I had missed my martial arts class, woke everyone up early, missed a good breakfast, only to fight with my son across town. I yelled at God and complained that He could have helped a little more. After all, we did pray and ask that God would help Isaac to be brave and courageous. God could have answered that prayer. He responded ever so gently and patiently with the following...Bravery or Courage were not what your son lacked. He was being stubborn. I was a bit confused but after a conversation with my beloved son, I discovered God was once again right. He was mad that he couldn't take the iPod into the room with him. I suppose I forgot to pray for that one. We've since made up and are now enjoying a better day, but MAN! Proof of two things, God answers prayer, but make sure you ask for insight into what to pray for. And two, God is always right.

Small Victories

I coach volleyball. I know some of you already know that, but for those of you who don't I coach. I've been avoiding the title, but yesterday I was proud to embrace it. I coach to play volleyball, but hopefully I am also coaching them to succeed in life. I always say, I could care less if they win a game if they lose at life. Small victories are more important in life when they motivate you to push yourself to be your personal best. I am learning something this season. We were ahead in a game and the girls were so excited. They were about to burst with excitement. It made me smile just to watch them. Their excitement was contagious. As they came in at a time out, called by the other team, I encouraged them to soak up the moment. Isn't that what it's about? Soaking up the moments of life, being in the moment and allowing yourself to get caught up in the emotion of it. We lost the game, but boy did we win a small victory. We soak up every second of that suspenseful game and they are ready for the next game.

Cinderella

We were on our way to a piano lesson the other day and this precious little song began to play on the radio. My daughter squealed with glee and asked, "Mommy! Please turn it up? I love this song!" I figured it was some silly little song and so I complied. It was the least I could do. As I listened to the lyrics, tears welled in my eyes. It is the song of a father who is watching his little girl grow into womanhood.

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone.

Even now as I listen to it again, I am sappily tearing. There are two reasons for this flood of emotion and here they are. One, I spent so much time in my life being sad about the fact that I never knew this kind of love. The pure love of an earthly father. The kind of love that protects and cherishes from outside predators. I have known it in my relationship with my Heavenly father and for that I am so blessed. So the first reason is the final mourning of the father I never had. The second reason was the realization that my children do know this love. My daughter has the love of her daddy. My favorite memory is the trip home from the hospital with a newborn Elisa in the back seat. The song Butterfly Kisses began to play on the car radio and John looked at me with a tear in his eye. Concerned, I asked him what was wrong. He looked back at the car seat and whispered, "I'm going to have to give her away." She has a daddy that loves her. Knowing that, I can no longer be sad. I have given her what was taken from me.

I Love My Man

My husband and I began dating 14 years ago this month. We reminisced about our courtship this weekend and marveled at how much we still love each other. I remember being worried that I might get tired of him or vice versa. I worried that we'd get bored of each other or run out of things to talk about. I was so wrong. I now look back and realize that no matter how much I thought I loved him I had no idea what love was. Love at that moment was a warm feeling of school-girl giddiness and excitement that I had someone to hold hands with and belong to. The love I have for that man now is deeper than anything I have ever experienced. It is stronger than any emotion I knew existed. The passion is stronger and purer than the day we married. Nothing really happens in my life unless I can share it with him. He is my best friend and life partner in every sense of the word. I look forward to the years ahead. The first 12 years of marriage have been filled with such wonder and love I can only imagine what the coming years will hold.

Adventures

So I've been allowed the honor of leading worship a couple of times at our church. It is always something I've dreamed of doing and have enjoyed the occasions I've been allowed to share my talents this way. This evening I felt like I struggled more than I would have liked but, I've learned two lessons this week. So I suppose my discomfort was not in vain.

1. Stick with keys you already are comfortable with while your throat is sore, otherwise it is hard to sing them later when your voice starts to feel better.
2. Practice like you aren't comfortable with the songs even if you are comfortable with the songs.

I'm not sure how long I'll be allowed to continue doing this, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I have the opportunity. It's been a great adventure and I'm learning so much about myself and the abilities God has given me.