Anyone who knows me, knows I am very introspective when it comes to anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays. It's my birthday again. I remember the days when the year between my birthdays just seemed to drag on and on. I couldn't wait to be 13 or 16 or 18 or 21. Now, the years just seem to fly by and my birthdays sneak up on me, tap me on the shoulder and yell SURPRISE!
I must admit, though, that I am very happy with my life. I am happy to be the wife of a godly man who adores me and would swim through shark infested waters just to bring me a glass of wine. I am happy to be a mother, who is finally having more good days than bad days, and realizes she has some pretty cool kids. I am in a family that is one of the best families a woman can be a part of. It has been work, the hardest work I have ever done, but it has been so worth it. I am 34 and happy and proud of the choices I have made and how God has blessed those choices.
Here We Go Again
I'll be honest. There is no actual point to this point. It is my vain attempt to keep from losing my mind today. Doesn't it seem like life keeps moving even when you're calling for a time out? I know it does for me. However, amidst the kids fighting and screaming, I have stolen away for a few minutes of mental rest. A deep sigh escapes my lips and I realize I should go pray.
Parenting Quote of the Day
So I heard a parenting quote today and I'm convinced it needs to be my parenting motto for the next 15 years.
I will endure the crappy feelings of discomfort and pain to allow them the opportunity to mature and grow and learn from life's experiences.
Most of the time, being a good parent feels crappy.Isn't that the truth? I find that a good amount of the time I have deny my kids things. I do it becuase it is in their best interest. I don't like to deny them anything, but I realize that if I give them everything, I may be doing them a dis-service. When they were babies, I was responsible to meet all of their needs, but as they grow, I find my responsibility shifts from meeting all fo their needs to teaching them to meet their own needs. This requires mistakes, failures, and errors. It's hard to watch them go through those things sometimes, but I find great pride in watching them succeed.
~Dr. Laura Schlessinger
I will endure the crappy feelings of discomfort and pain to allow them the opportunity to mature and grow and learn from life's experiences.
Jude
I began reading through Jude yesterday, and I was amazed to read that Jude had other plans for this letter. He had intended to address something entirely different, until God changed his plans. I only got that far yesterday when I began a conversation with God. Isn't it like Him (God) to change people's plans? Actually, I think we are the ones who change His plans. My husband and I like to talk about what the future holds for us and at times, I admit, I am a little hesitant at discovering what God's plans are for me. I believe, in a vain effort to stay in my comfort zone, I make my own plans and then feel betrayed and hurt when God reminds me that our plans are not matching up. So far, I like the tiny book of Jude. I can't wait to keep discovering it's insight.
Solomon's Songs...Fact or Fiction
So I've been reading up on the Song of Solomon...I think I already said that and I have a thought. I hear a lot of debate about Solomon and his ability to be a good husband to 900+ women and I have a suggestion. There is no evidence, or is there...I might be mistaken in this...that Solomon was writing a documentary. If I read the first verses correctly it was a poem or song written by Solomon. I hear people speak of how it might be impossible for Solomon to experience this kind of marriage relationship. Maybe he didn't. Maybe the Song of Solomon was written by a man longing for this kind of love. Again, I could be completely wrong. Maybe this book was written for us women. Maybe it was written by a man to show us what a man desires of his woman. Maybe it was written to give us an idea of how important our presence is in their lives. Maybe it was written to give us permission to enjoy every aspect of our marital relationship. Maybe that's why they read it during Passover. Maybe they needed to remember that with all of the crap we have to put up with in life, God gave us the gift of marriage to get us through the harsh reality life can be.
My husband and I have been discussing this book and he assures me that a lot of what Mark Driscoll and my pastor Josh Reich say is true. I highly recommend you check their ideas out. Men do want the things Solomon sings about. I don't know if Solomon's songs are fictional or factual. I don't know if there was a woman who filled the longings of his heart the way the Shunamite woman did. But I do know this from reading his book.
1. God gave me permission to be a wife who fully enjoys every aspect of her marriage
2. It doesn't matter how much money or wisdom a man has, he still desires to have the love of a good woman.
3. My husband rocks!
My husband and I have been discussing this book and he assures me that a lot of what Mark Driscoll and my pastor Josh Reich say is true. I highly recommend you check their ideas out. Men do want the things Solomon sings about. I don't know if Solomon's songs are fictional or factual. I don't know if there was a woman who filled the longings of his heart the way the Shunamite woman did. But I do know this from reading his book.
1. God gave me permission to be a wife who fully enjoys every aspect of her marriage
2. It doesn't matter how much money or wisdom a man has, he still desires to have the love of a good woman.
3. My husband rocks!
Let's Talk About Sex...just for a minute
So we've been doing a series on the Songs of Solomon at our church, I know, it's **sex**. I'm not sure where the idea came from that once we give our hearts to God and ask Him to take control of our lives we become these non-passionate people. It almost seems that married Christians equate holiness with bland sexuality or no sexuality, and I'm learning through my personal studies, that's wrong! That Song of Solomon woman is anything but bland. She is sensuous, alive, passionate, attractive, and godly. She found her husband irresistible. But guys you have to admit, he made it pretty hard to resist. So help us out.
Now I understand there is an appropriate time for fasting from intimacy, but only for a short period of time. Then we are to resume intimacy to help each other from stumbling.
Ladies, we've been really bombarded with a lot of information on spousal abuse and how to prevent sexual assault from the opposite sex. We've even been sold the line that our bodies are our own and we have the right to do whatever we want with our bodies. It's our choice. But this verse says differently. Once we are married we give authority of our bodies to our husband. I know sounds harsh, BUT don't forget, he gives authority of his body to us.
So let me challenge you single gals, choose wisely, because the man you take for a husband, will be the man to whom you give power. And to you married ladies I challenge you, exercise your rights over his body. I'm sure he won't complain. Can you think of a better way to relax and unwind from a hectic day of people demanding EVERYTHING from you? I can't.
Now I understand there is an appropriate time for fasting from intimacy, but only for a short period of time. Then we are to resume intimacy to help each other from stumbling.
But don't forget that a couple of verses prior we are told this:Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ~I Corinthians 7:5 (NLT)
So if I understand this verse correctly, I have sexual rights over my husband just as he has rights over me. So, if I deny him out of a desire to punish, retaliate, or gain revenge I am in sin. Yeah...I don't even want to go there.The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 (NLT)
Ladies, we've been really bombarded with a lot of information on spousal abuse and how to prevent sexual assault from the opposite sex. We've even been sold the line that our bodies are our own and we have the right to do whatever we want with our bodies. It's our choice. But this verse says differently. Once we are married we give authority of our bodies to our husband. I know sounds harsh, BUT don't forget, he gives authority of his body to us.
So let me challenge you single gals, choose wisely, because the man you take for a husband, will be the man to whom you give power. And to you married ladies I challenge you, exercise your rights over his body. I'm sure he won't complain. Can you think of a better way to relax and unwind from a hectic day of people demanding EVERYTHING from you? I can't.
Fears & Insecurities
Fear and Insecurity seem to be a predominant theme in my life right now. I have fears and insecurities and I deal with them in a particular way. I know they are there and I work hard in God's grace, wisdom, and power not to let them overwhelm me. I know they are the very things that will damage my ministry as a wife, mother, and woman if I entertain them.
I know I am not the only one who battles with fear and insecurity, however, I wonder. What are the fears and insecurities others battle? How do we as Christians battle with fear and insecurity? Is it different than how the world battles it? Why don't we talk about our fears and insecurities more? Isn't that what helps us to gain the upper hand in relation to our fears and insecurities?
These are just questions I am asking today.
I know I am not the only one who battles with fear and insecurity, however, I wonder. What are the fears and insecurities others battle? How do we as Christians battle with fear and insecurity? Is it different than how the world battles it? Why don't we talk about our fears and insecurities more? Isn't that what helps us to gain the upper hand in relation to our fears and insecurities?
These are just questions I am asking today.
Train Up a Child
We had one of "those" parenting nights last night. A battle of the wills where only one side could be the victor. Those of you who are parents of preteen boys understand what kind of battle we were up against, those of you who aren't, will one day know. It wasn't the "I hate you and wish I wasn't your child" kind of defiance. It was the "I'm becoming a man and I want to know who's in charge here" defiance. When you are in the middle of it you are thinking, "Are you serious? This has got to be a joke. Someone abducted my sweet boy and left this anger ball in his place." It's hard and I wanted to quit. I wanted to just let him be in charge in hopes of wooing my sweet child back into reality. That wouldn't work and I knew that, but I tend to look for the exit when difficult times face me. Instead, I prayed. We prayed. He didn't snap back into reality like I wanted him to, but we were able to stand our ground in a loving way. Someone once told me that when you start to hear accusations against your heart and soul that you might be on the right track and to stay the course. Well, let me tell you, we must have been on the right track last night because the accusations were flying, but we stayed the course and our son did what we asked.
Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path,
and when they are older, they will not leave it. (NLT)
Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path,
and when they are older, they will not leave it. (NLT)
Let Me Suffer Well
So I've been listening to Mark Driscoll's recent podcast about prayer, which you can check out here, and he said three things that struck me as interestingly true.
One - When you come up again pain, difficulty, suffering, hardships...whatever you turn to is your functional savior. Food, drugs, alcohol, anger...those are functional saviors, but the best place to go is to God. HE is the complete Savior.
Two - Jesus did not pray for the "IF hardship comes moment" He prayed for the "WHEN hardship comes" moment. It will come. I should pray that God would get me through it, not out of it.
Three - I should not pray that dark, bleak moments be kept from me. Jesus, when He prayed in Gethsemane, prayed for deliverance from His future, but then went on to pray that God would let Him suffer well, let Him be betrayed well, let Him bleed well, let Him die well. If I am going to suffer I might as well not waste it, I should redeem it. I should pray that as I suffer through those moments, God would be honored and glorified as a result.
This week has been hard. We have been threatened with the loss of a family member. We are suffering. But our prayer has to be...let us suffer well. It brings peace knowing that whatever lies ahead, God will be glorified. We have determined that in our family heart.
One - When you come up again pain, difficulty, suffering, hardships...whatever you turn to is your functional savior. Food, drugs, alcohol, anger...those are functional saviors, but the best place to go is to God. HE is the complete Savior.
Two - Jesus did not pray for the "IF hardship comes moment" He prayed for the "WHEN hardship comes" moment. It will come. I should pray that God would get me through it, not out of it.
Three - I should not pray that dark, bleak moments be kept from me. Jesus, when He prayed in Gethsemane, prayed for deliverance from His future, but then went on to pray that God would let Him suffer well, let Him be betrayed well, let Him bleed well, let Him die well. If I am going to suffer I might as well not waste it, I should redeem it. I should pray that as I suffer through those moments, God would be honored and glorified as a result.
This week has been hard. We have been threatened with the loss of a family member. We are suffering. But our prayer has to be...let us suffer well. It brings peace knowing that whatever lies ahead, God will be glorified. We have determined that in our family heart.
Brutal Honesty
One of the things I love about my relationship with God is that He is so honest with me. Sometimes, I would rather not hear what He is saying, but it is all stuff that will help me to grow and develop as a godly person. Like the other day, when things weren't going how I had planned them to go, I complained to God that other people got to do things as they had planned. Why not me? He so lovingly pointed out that those people did a better job of organizing and executing their plans than I did sometimes. OUCH! Not what I wanted to hear. Or like the same day when I was complaining that if I had the tools I could do my job better. After all, other people got the tools they wanted and that was why they were so successful in their jobs....to which He responded, ever so lovingly, that those people could be trusted with what HE had given them. YIKES! Yes, I love how honest God is with me. I admit, I don't like it when He's honest with me in the moment, but in hindsight I realize He's probably right. After all, He's God, He must be right....right?
MRI, iPods, and missed classes
Okay so today had a frustrating start. My son had an appointment to have an MRI done. We all woke up early (no small feat with my princess who sleeps until 8 or 9) and headed across town to keep our appointment. I suggested my son might be able to take the iPod in with him, but wasn't positive. Well, turns out he couldn't take it in. Which set off a chain of events that would spiral quickly out of control and end with us leaving the office un-MRI'ed and frustrated. Yes, I realize that isn't a word, but I'm using it anyway. He wouldn't even step foot into the room and it was painfully obvious there was no way to make him do it and not look like the mother who is traumatizing her son in front of the tech's. Anyway, we left the office after 20 minutes of negotiating and comprimising without the MRI and feeling defeated. I had missed my martial arts class, woke everyone up early, missed a good breakfast, only to fight with my son across town. I yelled at God and complained that He could have helped a little more. After all, we did pray and ask that God would help Isaac to be brave and courageous. God could have answered that prayer. He responded ever so gently and patiently with the following...Bravery or Courage were not what your son lacked. He was being stubborn. I was a bit confused but after a conversation with my beloved son, I discovered God was once again right. He was mad that he couldn't take the iPod into the room with him. I suppose I forgot to pray for that one. We've since made up and are now enjoying a better day, but MAN! Proof of two things, God answers prayer, but make sure you ask for insight into what to pray for. And two, God is always right.
Small Victories
I coach volleyball. I know some of you already know that, but for those of you who don't I coach. I've been avoiding the title, but yesterday I was proud to embrace it. I coach to play volleyball, but hopefully I am also coaching them to succeed in life. I always say, I could care less if they win a game if they lose at life. Small victories are more important in life when they motivate you to push yourself to be your personal best. I am learning something this season. We were ahead in a game and the girls were so excited. They were about to burst with excitement. It made me smile just to watch them. Their excitement was contagious. As they came in at a time out, called by the other team, I encouraged them to soak up the moment. Isn't that what it's about? Soaking up the moments of life, being in the moment and allowing yourself to get caught up in the emotion of it. We lost the game, but boy did we win a small victory. We soak up every second of that suspenseful game and they are ready for the next game.
Cinderella
We were on our way to a piano lesson the other day and this precious little song began to play on the radio. My daughter squealed with glee and asked, "Mommy! Please turn it up? I love this song!" I figured it was some silly little song and so I complied. It was the least I could do. As I listened to the lyrics, tears welled in my eyes. It is the song of a father who is watching his little girl grow into womanhood.
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone.
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone.
Even now as I listen to it again, I am sappily tearing. There are two reasons for this flood of emotion and here they are. One, I spent so much time in my life being sad about the fact that I never knew this kind of love. The pure love of an earthly father. The kind of love that protects and cherishes from outside predators. I have known it in my relationship with my Heavenly father and for that I am so blessed. So the first reason is the final mourning of the father I never had. The second reason was the realization that my children do know this love. My daughter has the love of her daddy. My favorite memory is the trip home from the hospital with a newborn Elisa in the back seat. The song Butterfly Kisses began to play on the car radio and John looked at me with a tear in his eye. Concerned, I asked him what was wrong. He looked back at the car seat and whispered, "I'm going to have to give her away." She has a daddy that loves her. Knowing that, I can no longer be sad. I have given her what was taken from me.
I Love My Man
My husband and I began dating 14 years ago this month. We reminisced about our courtship this weekend and marveled at how much we still love each other. I remember being worried that I might get tired of him or vice versa. I worried that we'd get bored of each other or run out of things to talk about. I was so wrong. I now look back and realize that no matter how much I thought I loved him I had no idea what love was. Love at that moment was a warm feeling of school-girl giddiness and excitement that I had someone to hold hands with and belong to. The love I have for that man now is deeper than anything I have ever experienced. It is stronger than any emotion I knew existed. The passion is stronger and purer than the day we married. Nothing really happens in my life unless I can share it with him. He is my best friend and life partner in every sense of the word. I look forward to the years ahead. The first 12 years of marriage have been filled with such wonder and love I can only imagine what the coming years will hold.
Adventures
So I've been allowed the honor of leading worship a couple of times at our church. It is always something I've dreamed of doing and have enjoyed the occasions I've been allowed to share my talents this way. This evening I felt like I struggled more than I would have liked but, I've learned two lessons this week. So I suppose my discomfort was not in vain.
1. Stick with keys you already are comfortable with while your throat is sore, otherwise it is hard to sing them later when your voice starts to feel better.
2. Practice like you aren't comfortable with the songs even if you are comfortable with the songs.
I'm not sure how long I'll be allowed to continue doing this, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I have the opportunity. It's been a great adventure and I'm learning so much about myself and the abilities God has given me.
1. Stick with keys you already are comfortable with while your throat is sore, otherwise it is hard to sing them later when your voice starts to feel better.
2. Practice like you aren't comfortable with the songs even if you are comfortable with the songs.
I'm not sure how long I'll be allowed to continue doing this, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I have the opportunity. It's been a great adventure and I'm learning so much about myself and the abilities God has given me.
Games
So we're going to be full blown into our volleyball season tomorrow and I'm excited to see what my girls can do. They are a great bunch of girls and I hope they are learning as much from me as I am learning from them.
Motherhood
Okay friends. I'm back. I'm ready to take on the world again. I believe I have begun taking steps to come to terms with the fact that I cannot be God to my family. I didn't realize I was trying to occupy that role. I now realize it and have surrendered it once again.
Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever done. No one tells you how involved your heart gets into your family. I believe this is because it is a different experience for every woman. No one woman experiences it the same way. For some it is a natural thing; it happens without them even trying. For others, it is the most unnatural thing in the world. It takes work, effort, and an unseemingly unpossessed ability. None of these experiences is wrong. It is just the evidence of the fact that we are all created differently. I have spend the first years of my motherhood trying to be something I am not. I have fought my basic instincts to do what I thought was the correct thing to do. I now realize those instincts serve a purpose. God made me the woman I am so that I can be the mother He has called me to be. God gave me the children He gave me because He knew I would be the mother they needed. So I say to you mothers who struggle to find yourselves in this crazy world that has launched an all out attack on motherhood, femininity, warmth, nurturing, and strength to allow yourselves to be the mother you dream of being. It will not look like any other woman's skill or ability. It will be your own unique experience and you should enjoy it. Don't let anyone stick their finger in your face and tell you what you should or should not be doing (I realize I am doing something similar to that now, but you know what I mean). Stand tall and proud and embrace the woman you are and explore the motherhood set before you.
Okay I'm done now. Have a great day.
Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever done. No one tells you how involved your heart gets into your family. I believe this is because it is a different experience for every woman. No one woman experiences it the same way. For some it is a natural thing; it happens without them even trying. For others, it is the most unnatural thing in the world. It takes work, effort, and an unseemingly unpossessed ability. None of these experiences is wrong. It is just the evidence of the fact that we are all created differently. I have spend the first years of my motherhood trying to be something I am not. I have fought my basic instincts to do what I thought was the correct thing to do. I now realize those instincts serve a purpose. God made me the woman I am so that I can be the mother He has called me to be. God gave me the children He gave me because He knew I would be the mother they needed. So I say to you mothers who struggle to find yourselves in this crazy world that has launched an all out attack on motherhood, femininity, warmth, nurturing, and strength to allow yourselves to be the mother you dream of being. It will not look like any other woman's skill or ability. It will be your own unique experience and you should enjoy it. Don't let anyone stick their finger in your face and tell you what you should or should not be doing (I realize I am doing something similar to that now, but you know what I mean). Stand tall and proud and embrace the woman you are and explore the motherhood set before you.
Okay I'm done now. Have a great day.
He's My Son
So, I'm tucking my son in to bed tonight and this horrible song comes on the radio. If you're listening to my playlist you're listening to it now. I began to weep as my heart sang along with Mark. It's hard to be positive and brave and noble and good when you hear stupid songs like this one. These are the songs that bring the weakest part of you to the surface for everyone to see. But then it said something that made me stop.
I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You
Truer words were never spoken. My son needs God. I can't be God for him. This realization is both liberating and heart wrenching. I will never be able to be all for him. I can stop trying. But the realization that he needs something I can't give him is too much for me.
Honestly guys, this is proving to be more than I can bear. It might just be a bad day, but man this is the worst bad day I've had in a long time.
I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You
Truer words were never spoken. My son needs God. I can't be God for him. This realization is both liberating and heart wrenching. I will never be able to be all for him. I can stop trying. But the realization that he needs something I can't give him is too much for me.
Honestly guys, this is proving to be more than I can bear. It might just be a bad day, but man this is the worst bad day I've had in a long time.
Superwoman? Not lately
So my shock has worn off, and I am now left with the realization that with one small diagnosis, life has changed. Please don't misunderstand, this by no means changes our love for our son. Nor does it change the hopes and dreams we have for him. We will not let this be something that keeps us from encouraging him to be all that God created him to be. No, this isn't the change I speak of. It's the change that happens in those around us. It's the change that happens within our family. It's the realization that things we left unnoticed, must now be noticed and documented for his sake. It's the change of well-meaning people giving us their hopes of his complete and total healing. It's the change of dealing with those around us who aren't sure how to treat our son. It's the change of feeling vulnerable. It's the feeling that one small inquiry of how I'm doing sets tears into motion. It's the small changes that no one notices. These small changes just prove to be too much from time to time. I cannot allow myself to think about it during the day, it overwhelms me and threatens to stop me dead in my tracks. I steal away these few moments in the early phases of my morning. I allow myself to come to terms with my humanity. I allow the tears to surface. I give into the vulnerability. It is the only way I will call out for help from the only One that can help. I know I serve a big God. I know there is nothing too big for Him. I know that with a thought of my son He can heal him from what ails him. However, there is a sense that this may not be what He's planning. I know He will get the glory. I worry that He's chosen to use us this way. I am human and fail Him so often. But He is God and I do believe He knows what He's doing.
Ramblings of a Crazy Woman
***Warning this post is a little garbled as I attempt to make some sense out of my life. Read at your own risk**
Feral Christianity. An attempt to get back to the roots of who I am and who God created me to be. As life throws things at you and as you interact with those around you...you alter yourself to survive. I know I have done this. This may not be what God intended me to do. I wonder sometimes, if who I have allowed myself to become and who God wanted me to be are two different people. I've changed or suppressed parts of myself to avoid being strange, weird, and ultimately rejected. I get rejected anyway. I'm at a point in my life where some of those parts I got rid of were parts I find I need now. UGGGG! How do I get them back?
This year, there seems to be a focus in our lives about being completely dependent on God. There is an emphasis on allowing God to be who He is while I am obedient to His bidding to be who He has called me to be. The problem with that is, I'm not always sure I want to be who He's called me to be. It's the proverbial foot wanting to be a hand. I used to believe that the gifts God had given me didn't really jive with who I had envisioned myself being. I'm finding now, that the gifts God has given me can only be used successfully in conjunction with who He's called me to be. The kicker is, I am most content and at peace when I use my gifts according to His Will. So who's fighting this? If my spirit is at peace doing God's bidding and my gifts go perfectly with who God created me to be...where did I get the idea that I should be something else? Feeling confused yet, don't worry I confuse even myself.
Feral Christianity. An attempt to get back to the roots of who I am and who God created me to be. As life throws things at you and as you interact with those around you...you alter yourself to survive. I know I have done this. This may not be what God intended me to do. I wonder sometimes, if who I have allowed myself to become and who God wanted me to be are two different people. I've changed or suppressed parts of myself to avoid being strange, weird, and ultimately rejected. I get rejected anyway. I'm at a point in my life where some of those parts I got rid of were parts I find I need now. UGGGG! How do I get them back?
This year, there seems to be a focus in our lives about being completely dependent on God. There is an emphasis on allowing God to be who He is while I am obedient to His bidding to be who He has called me to be. The problem with that is, I'm not always sure I want to be who He's called me to be. It's the proverbial foot wanting to be a hand. I used to believe that the gifts God had given me didn't really jive with who I had envisioned myself being. I'm finding now, that the gifts God has given me can only be used successfully in conjunction with who He's called me to be. The kicker is, I am most content and at peace when I use my gifts according to His Will. So who's fighting this? If my spirit is at peace doing God's bidding and my gifts go perfectly with who God created me to be...where did I get the idea that I should be something else? Feeling confused yet, don't worry I confuse even myself.