Steering A Ship

Yesterday's reading included Acts 16 and I was unprepared for the provocation of thoughts it would lead to. Paul decides to visit Asia and is stopped by the Holy Spirit. So he heads over to Bithinia and again he is prevented from continuing. I would imagine that Paul is starting to get a little frustrated with this. He is desperately pursuing God's will for his life and it seems he is being stopped at every turn. BUT what if that isn't what is happening? What if, he wasn't sure where to go so he decided to start moving and trust that the spirit would guide him? Maybe he wasn't sure what the next step was, but figured he would start moving anyway and trust God to come through? I once heard a long time ago (when I was 18) that a ship is better steered when it is moving. Trying to steer a ship that is stationary is pretty difficult. Which led me to my next thought. We, as a family, are faced with so much chaos and it's easy to believe we're just going around in circles, but maybe we are exactly where God wants us. From all appearances we keep moving and heading in directions that don't seem to make sense only to be led in a different direction, and I've been frustrated with myself and God wondering if maybe I'm not hearing from Him, or worse, HE isn't coming through for us. BUT He is faithful. HE has us just where He wants us. I'll just keep moving where HE leads and trust that He will always come through for us.

Mystery

Colossians 1:25 - 27
I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

This is quickly becoming my favorite passage. I have always known it, but it never made sense to me. I think I am coming to understand what it means to my life. It may not apply to yours, but it's working for me and changing the way I think about my relationship with God.
I have this vision of myself. It's the best version of Angie. I am good, kind, humble, thoughtful, considerate, generous, and most of all godly. This isn't who I am all the time right now, but it is something I aspire to be. The mystery, I believe, is that God, through Jesus' work, has made it possible for me to have hope that someday I may get there. As I develop my relationship with God, I get closer to my and most likely His goal for my life. As I get closer to Him, His thoughts become my thoughts, His ways become my ways, and I start fulfilling my purpose here on the earth. The world is changed as I am changed, with God's power and nothing else. But I must have a relationship with Him to achieve this. I think this is where we make it too hard. We do way too much to prove our relationship. I know I have done this. Instead, my focus should be on developing my relationship with God. I know it sounds simple, but maybe that was the light yoke that Jesus spoke of in Matthew 11. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'd like to know what you all think.

Jump Starting the brain

Reality strikes again. I'm glad to be home, but I'm having a hard time jump starting my brain. I am feeling a whole heap less stress and that makes for a calm mommy. But I do miss that beach. I may have to bring out the ocean sounds cd and start pretending I'm back in La Jolla.

Community

A member of my community will be leaving and I am sad. It's hard to do this community thing, knowing that there may come a time when paths will separate. I think the hard part is, I don't understand why. Why must it be so? I don't understand why my friends will be moving on. I wish they could stay. I want what is best for them and know this must be it, but it doesn't make it any easier. I again remember why I hesitate to commit to a community. People seem to be coming and going quite a bit lately. Changes seem to be the only world we know. It is hard to allow people to get tangled into your heart only to be taken away. It makes me wonder, are we on the right path?

Back To Reality

Reality awaits me. I returned home from a week in La Jolla, Ca. and realized life was there to greet me, and it isn't as bad as it was before I left. Isn't it amazing how a break can give you a renewed perspective on life. My kids were waiting to greet me with open arms and hearts. I love them. Life is still a struggle, but I learned, while resting, that it is worth it. No matter what road we choose from here, we choose it together and we walk it together. My family is with me and we are strong. No matter what life throws at us, we will stand strong.

San Diego

We're in San Diego. We're chaperone's, so we're not really vacationing, but it sure feels like it. This is a wonderful opportunity and we thank God that he provided it for us. It is gorgeous! The weather is cool and refreshing, there is a God and I sense Him here. I know he's been with us and he's been present during our struggles, but it is here, away from the struggles of life that we can see God clearly without all of the distractions of life. We can take this moment to rest in the beauty He has created. Don't get me wrong, we've felt God and have sense His peace in our home is a way we've never known before. Never before, have we been able to say that as the storms of life rage around us we sense God's peace in the midst. And yet we have this past month. Today, the peace we have felt now matches our surroundings, at least for a short time. We shall accept this reprieve and re-energize ourselves so that we can return to our home and continue to be about His business. C-Peau, if you're reading, thank you so much for your generosity and making this trip possible. We will return, ready for life. You guys rock.

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Quite literally. Two days ago my children found two sparrow chicks in our backyard. I was a little nervous at first, knowing this might end in death. However, we used it as an opportunity to teach our daughter a very important lesson. After finding out they were fledglings, we decided to keep them safe from the neighborhood cats. We kept them overnight in our storage room and fed them some fruit. The next day we awoke to find Nathan and Lily alive and well. My daughter and son fed them some more fruit and watched to see what would happen. Nathan flew away that afternoon and is doing fine. My daughter was a little sad to see him leave, but was happy Lily was still with us. Lily was a little slower to pick up the art of flying so she stayed with us one more night. After a meal of meal worms and fruit, she slept peacefully in our storage room. Today she was alive and well and complaining of hunger. We gave her one final meal of fruit and she was off to see the world. We had to help her a little, but she is off and flying and doing her bird thing. My daughter had a hard time letting her struggle with flying, she wanted to help her and move her and feed her and keep her. I explained to her that birds do better in the sky. The more we help them, the less they are able to survive on their own. She didn't agree, but trusted that I knew what I was talking about. As she watched Lily "leave the nest" I congratulated her, "Good job Mama bird."

A New Name

Our church had it's first service with it's new name and in a new building. It was different in a good way. I think our kids weren't sure what to expect being in a different location, and so they were a little apprehensive. I'm so glad they had this experience. On the way home Saturday night, our teenager said, "So, the only thing that has changed is the building? We are still the same people and the same beliefs? That's cool." I'm so glad they are learning at a young age that church isn't about a building or a name, it's about the people in the community and how they treat each other. It's about how we show our love for each other. Jars of Clay did a great version of They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love and I think of this song when I think of our church. It has been a long time coming, but I truly feel like we are in a community that is dedicated to being true examples of God's love. In Acts, that kind of community changed the world.

The Right To Be Heard

Last Saturday night, at church, our pastor said something that has been repeating in my mind all week long. "You have to earn the right to be heard." Often, we have to earn the right to be heard by them before we can ever share the gospel with them. They must see us as an authentic display of God's love. We can't just come in and start "preaching" at them. Of course, I'm paraphrasing and putting it in my own words, but the gist is the same. I have never been comfortable with "witnessing" in the conventional idea, but I like the idea of earning the right to be heard in people's lives. If I listen to people and try to understand where they are coming from, as our pastor suggested, then we have an idea of who they really are and what they are truly searching for.
Maybe that is what is happening in our lives right now. From all appearances, my man and I are sickeningly in love, and we are. It would be easy to believe that our relationship is just so easy because life has been easy to this point, life has been prosperous until now. Of course we love life. Life has, so far, been good to us. But now that life is being a bit cruel, how are we? Now that life seems to be dealing us a bad hand, can our love stay strong? Our love is stronger today than it ever has been. It's hard and I wish it were different, but it's not. That's just the way life goes.
I've been reading a book titled "Stop Whining, Start Living" and it speaks of perspective and it's ability to change how we look at almost any situation we face. Yes, we are financially challenged, BUT we have experienced kindness from strangers in a new way. Our eyes have been opened to the many friends we have around us. We have grown in our faith as we watch God provide over and over again. We have grown in our love as we cling to each other during this craziness. We have lost weight as we no longer can afford to eat out as much (sad isn't it).
We can sit and whine or we can embrace what we have. And what we have gained and are gaining, in the lives of those who have been watching us, is the right to be heard. And we will use that to glorify God in whatever way He sees fit.

Survival

So I survived my weekend, despite all of the wonderful things Friday held for me. Yes I was being sarcastic. Friday went better than expected. The Lord is good. He taught us some valuable lessons this weekend that we will never forget.
On a happier note, I was able to test for my orange belt and successfully passed. I was proud of the effort I put out and how good it felt to achieve something I have been working hard for. I did my board break successfully and will now start learning the orange belt material.
And finally, my firstborn is nine today. I can't believe he has grown so fast and so strong. I am proud of the boy he is becoming and look forward to watching him develop as a man.

I DON'T WANT TO!

I just found out that I am going to have to do the hardest thing in my life, thus far. I won't go into the particulars, but let me say, I would rather shut myself up in the house right now and never emerge again than to do what I will choose to do on Friday. I don't want to do it! I don't want to! I suppose there is no point to this post. There is no productive thing that I can say, right now. There is no silver lining in this cloud, that I can see. I can find no good in this situation at all, from my perspective. Does anyone else think that maybe God is pushing a little too hard? Does anyone else think that maybe God could just cut me a little slack? I'll be done now.

Living

by A. Whitby

Another blow
Another hit
Muster up more strength
A little more grit
Standing strong
Not standing tall
The wind blows hard
I will not fall
Living takes
More than it gives
All are given life
Few dare to live
Count me among
The few brave souls
Make my life count
This is my goal

Small Things

It's funny! Today I was checking out our martial arts school newsletter and to my surprise I was named Student of the Month. I even received a certificate. It's funny, I don't need a certificate to tell me I worked hard. My sore muscles tell me I am working hard. But it made me feel a little proud. Proud of the fact that I actually signed up for the class. Proud that I kept going back even though I thought I was going to die after the first class. Proud that I have broken my toe and still keep on doing class. In the grand scheme of things it's not a big thing, but it's a small things that makes me feel like I've grown as a person.

A New Perspective On Waiting...

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

When I think of waiting on God I think of two images. One is waiting, as a server is waiting on someone in the hopes of obtaining a tip for good service; one is waiting, sitting idly twiddling their thumbs waiting for things to happen. I don't like either one of those images. I have been doing the second kind of waiting. I'm not mounting with wings as eagles. I'm running and growing weary. I'm walking and I feel like fainting. My waiting must be wrong, in my analysis. Further research into the word waiting gave me a better perspective on what kind of waiting I'm to be doing. I want the promises God has offered and I am willing to do what is required to get those promises. The word waiting isn't what I thought it was. The word waiting means to bind together, perhaps by twisting.

But they that bind together with the Lord, shall renew their strength...

WOW! This I can do. I can bind myself to the Lord and not let go. I can hold on to Him and go wherever He takes me. I can immerse myself in Him and lose myself into Him. I already feel like I'm regaining energy.

Seeking His Kingdom

Today I received an excited phone call from my husband. It's no secret that money is scarce right now, so we've really been relying on God to keep us focused on His reality and not our own. God gave my man the opportunity to share faith with a young man today and my man took the opportunity. He mentioned being concerned for a moment that he really should be working on his to do list rather than jabbering, but was reminded that he was about God's business.
Matthew reminds us to seek God's kingdom first and then all the worries of our days will get taken care of and I know I forget this too many times. God isn't asking us to take care of our to do list and then start working on His to do list. He asks us to work on HIS to do list first! I am finding that often times, while I am working on His list, He is working on mine. I like the way the message puts Matthew 6:30-34

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Mail

Mail is a pain in the bottom end of society. Does anyone else agree? It can be the source of a letter from an old friend. It can be the source of a bill telling you the money you worked hard to earn needs to go elsewhere. Either way I strongly dislike mail. I had to spend a few minutes opening mail we had been putting off. It was as annoying as I was anticipating. I'm really trying to find a way to consider this pure joy. If any of you have any ideas I would love to hear them.
Let me tell you, walking on the wild side is proving to be as challenging as I expected. I really hope I'm up for the challenge.

A Bad Country Western Song

My husband is looking for work.
I broke my toe.
And my dog died.

The makings of a western song....wouldn't you agree. But I heard quote the other day and it made me thinks.

We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. ~Carlos Castaneda (1925-1998) author, philosopher

I have a choice to make. I can either put work into being miserable or I can put work into being strong. So, I went to church tonight. I actually go to play bass which is always fun. And it was good to be home! It was good to see familiar faces. It was good to visit with them. I choose to put work into being strong. I figure, everyone I know who is miserable is alone. I don't want to be alone.

Acts 2 Christianity

As I was reading today I noticed something about the Acts Christians life.

Acts 2:42 says they were devoted to four things.
They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.

1. The apostles' teachings
2. Fellowship
3. The breaking of bread (including the Lord's supper)
4. Prayer

Those are pretty straightforward and to the point. And I began to wonder today, what would my life look like if those were the things I devoted myself to? I know our pastor talked about this a couple of weeks ago, but I really want to park on this for a while. How would it change my life if I focused on these four things? The outreach they did afterwards only came from the devotion to these practices. They didn't feel the need to organize a day of outreach, it just came natural to them. Was it because they had devoted themselves to studying God's teachings? Was it because they had been fellowshipping with each other? Was it because they had broken bread together and spent time contemplating the sacrifice Jesus had just made for them? Was it because they had been immersed in prayer for each other and the will of God for their lives? These are questions that are running through my mind.

Follow Me

As we continue to pray for direction in our lives, I am learning a lesson about my DAD. My reading today was Acts 1. It struck me today that as the disciples waited for the promise of the Holy Spirit, they had no idea what they were waiting for. Jesus told them to wait and they did. The questions must have been marinating in their minds.
What is the Holy Spirit?
What will this look like?
How will it happen?
How will we know it has happened?
As I read Acts 1, I know what they are waiting for, but for the first time I understand they did not. I understand this feeling right now. Waiting! Waiting for a promise from God can be a bit unnerving. How will I know I am going in the right way? How will I know it has happened? How will I know I have followed His Will? And then He answers. So sweet and so convicting....don't you know my voice by now? How long have you followed me? How long have you loved me? How long have I held you in my hand and kept you with me? You will know because you know ME. It's both reassuring and unsettling, if you know me at all. I second guess almost everything I do. It's something I am working on, but it will be a life-long process. I know HIM! My whole life God has been the air I breathe, as the songwriter so passionately wrote, I am desperate for Him, and I truly am lost without Him. It's true I am a bit lost with Him, but at least one of us knows where I am. Right?

Sacrifice in the Name of Love

Many times we are asked to sacrifice things in the name of love. Those things can be anything from a car to a hobby. We often sacrifice for a friend, a spouse, a child, or a career. But what about God. What happens we we are asked to sacrifice in the name of love for God? Who can prove that it was God who asked for the sacrifice? Who can prove it wasn't? My husband is faced with such a choice and so by my relation to him I am faced with it as well. It isn't easy to look at. It sure raises the question: How can we be sure we're moving in God's will? We so thought we were right on track. However, now it seems that the very thing we are being asked to sacrifice is one of the things we were sure was part of God's will for our life. I don't mean to be such a downer, but I like to keep things real here. That's what is going on in the life of this feral Christian today. I'll tell you though, I'm starting to wonder if I really want to be on the wild side. It's a little more dramatic here. I like to keep things neat and orderly. I like my ducks in a row and ready to roll. Right now it feels like my ducks all over the lake with no intent of returning.

But God, No One Will Listen!

As I continued reading about Moses today in Exodus, one verse stuck out to me.

So Moses told the people of Israel what the Lord had said, but they refused to listen anymore. They had become too discouraged by the brutality of their slavery. ~Exodus 6:8

No one would listen to the man God had sent to deliver them. What is even more comical is the conversation that takes place between God and Moses in verse twelve. And understand I am completely paraphrasing.
God ~ Moses go do what I've told you to do please.
Moses ~ But God, no one will listen to me. What makes you think Pharaoh will listen to me?
God ~ He won't. He's going to be stubborn. I'm going to make you look like a god who can do miracles and he's going to ignore us. Then we're going to punish him, and he still won't listen. But I'll eventually win.

Moses did go. Pharaoh was stubborn. I'm not finished reading this story, but I know the outcome. God will win.

Things look so overwhelming right now in our lives, but I know I serve a big God. I know He is in control and if I know anything I know, He will win in the story of my life.

Snappo!

So, I've already posted today, but I had to post again. I broke my toe! A fracture of the proximal phalanx. Yeah, during sparring class. But the good news is, I got a kick in before I was finished for the day. I can officially say I've broken more bones in my adult life than I did in my childhood.

Taking the Plunge

I haven't done my reading yet, but I felt compelled to write. I've been mulling over a conversation we had with some friends this weekend. This month has been difficult for us financially and spiritually. Financially, our family is about to undergo a transition. We are excited that God is in control but terrified at what the final product will be. We know God has our best interests at heart and will trust that, as we move forward, He will guide us. As you are trusting God financially, spiritually you will always go through a testing process. We have been enlightened as to what is really important in life and what our purpose truly is. It all sounds positive but when you are going through it, it feels horrible. We shared some of the thoughts we had with friends who share our faith and they were so encouraging. It was difficult and terrifying to take the plunge of vulnerability and transparency, but as we parse through it today we realize that the risk of sharing with our friends was so worth it. They were supportive and insightful and most importantly, slow to judge. This is what Christian community should be. I have felt hungry for true community and almost fearful that it didn't exist. Again, God comes through for us and uses our faith family as the avenue.

You Will Fail

Today's reading led me to Luke 22. This is the chapter of the last supper, the moment Jesus tells his disciples that He will die, and furthermore their faith will be tested. Simon Peter, specifically, is informed of his upcoming failure. I'm sure Peter must have felt a sense of betrayal at the news. "Jesus, how could you imagine that I would deny you?" Enraged and wounded he informs Jesus that he would die for Him. Then, Simon Peter denies his Lord, not only once, but three times. I have felt this sense of disappointment, while I admit, I'm sure Peter's was a little more intense. But to deny your best friend three times is horrible. But to do it and then remember that your best friend already knew you would fail him in this away, must have stung the heart with great intensity. Did Simon Peter hear Jesus' words echoing in his ears after the offense? "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." (Luke 22:-31-32) Simon, you will fail me, but don't let your faith in me fail you. This is just powerful to me today. I will fail God from time to time, but will I allow my faith in God to fail me? Brings new perspective to mistakes and faith.

Meanwhile Back At The Pyramid...

My reading has taken me to the life of Moses. This is a story we all think we've heard a million times. But today, as I was reading the first two chapters of Exodus I noticed a trend in the life of Moses. He was compelled to take up the cause of the underdog. It starts with his walk through the neighborhood. He notices "one of his own people" being beaten by an Egyptian. He intervenes, which results in death for the Egyptian. The next day he notices two Hebrews in a disagreement and again goes to intervene. This time he is called on his actions from the previous day and is compelled to take it on the run. Now, as he is on the run he comes across the seven daughters of the Midian priest, Reuel. They are being harassed by shepherds trying to take over the watering hole. Again, Moses comes to the rescue.
What I noticed about these stories is that this is the man who will lead the Israelites to freedom. This is the man who will intervene on their behalf before Pharaoh under the direction of the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I operated under the assumption that God called Moses to do something he didn't even want to do, and that God called Moses to do something that was outside of his nature to do. I am starting to think I was wrong. Moses always had a soft spot for the Hebrew people. I believe that is why God chose him to lead the same people out of Egypt. God didn't force Moses to function outside of who he was, God called Moses to take who he was to a higher level. God created Moses and he knew what was in Moses' heart to do. God asked Moses to fulfill his purpose. God gave Moses His approval. Of course Moses was freaked out! Moses knew it was something that needed to be done, and God knew Moses was the man for the job.
So today I ask the question, what things do I feel compelled to do? Do they fit with those things I have always felt passionate about? Is that a way for me to decide whether or not they fit into God's plan for my life? Already I can think of one thing that doesn't fit into what I have always felt a passion for. This view could change everything.

Ten Commandments

Dad (God) has been talking to me lately about teaching the kids to have a quiet time. I wasn't sure how to go about it. He suggested I start teaching them the Ten Commandments. I'm not sure if you realize this or not, but it's hard to teach the Big Ten to a 7 and 8 year old. I wanted them to understand what the rules meant in their world today. When you get to no graven images, you have to do a little explaining and then apply it to today. Well, I am glad to report that it has been going better than I thought it would. I have been sitting down with each commandment at the end of my personal quiet time and asking Dad to help me put the command into terms they'll understand for a long time. He gives me the insight I need and I present it to the kids. They love it! After we have talked about the commandment for about 10 minutes i have them either write what it means to them or draw a picture of what it means to them. Their pictures have been fabulous. I love seeing how it is interpreted in their minds. After they are done with their pictures I ask them to write a prayer to God. These prayers have touched my heart more than I realized they would. I don't always get to read them all. Sometimes my son asks me not to read his prayer. I respect his request. It's his relationship with God and I don't want him to feel that I have intruded on it.
As I watch their young minds grasp the concept of God's rules I understand how simple the rules are to learn and how difficult they are to live. When we got to commandment #1, we really learned some things about ourselves we were not ready to admit. Things like the X-Box can become a god, the Wii can become a god, even people can become gods. It has been neat to watch them take that knowledge into their day and use it.
In case you are interested here is just a sample of what is being posted in our home class to remind us of the commandments we have learned so far.

Commandment #1
No other gods. Only me. Kid application ~ If it takes my focus off of God it could become a god.

Something to Share

I saw this today and wanted to share.

When I Say I Am a Christian by: Carol Wimmer

When I say ... I am a Christian
I'm not shouting "I am saved."
I'm whispering "I get lost"
That is why I chose this way.

When I say ... I am a Christian
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.

When I say ... I am a Christian
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I am weak
and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say ... I am a Christian
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say ... I am a Christian
I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say ... I am a Christian
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek HIS name.

When I say ... I am a Christian
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority
I only know I'm loved.

Skandalon

Today my reading took me to Luke 17:1 - 2. It's kinda funny because I was listening in on a conversation that discussed this particular topic, I was talking with Dad(God) and asking Him to help me understand what my responsibility to other's was. So, when I came to my assignment today I had to laugh at how faithful He is to answer me. For those unfamiliar with it, here it is in the King James Version.

Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come! It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.

That's pretty intense and I would never want to cause someone to stumble and I would never want to hurt someone's relationship with God. I've heard many interpretations of this particular verse and when I read it today I did a little research. The word used for offences is skandalon (look familiar, scandal?). The definition is the movable stick or trigger of a trap, a trap stick, a trap, a snare, any impediment placed in the way and causing one to stumble or fall, any person or thing by which on is (entrapped) drawn into error or sin. There is more, but they are pretty much the same idea. The offence here is an intentional one. It is a deliberate attempt to cause someone to stumble. It is a snare or trap I set for them and for that Jesus says WOE TO YOU! I've always operated under the assumption that I'm responsible to those who are watching me. I am responsible to behave in a manner that won't cause them to stumble or fall or else I'm in trouble. It's a little overwhelming I must admit to have this responsibility. I've based this idea on Luke 17:1. But as I examined it closer today I understand what offence means. It is a deliberate attack on their relationship with God. I am called to live a holy life, but not for the sake of those who are watching me, but for the sake of my soul. I am called to love others around me with the love of Christ, for the sake of their souls. I can do that!

Another Look at Feral Christianity

What does it mean to me now to be a Feral Christian? I ask myself this question once in a while. Does it mean that I am a wild woman doing whatever I want? Does it mean that I am crazy and weird? What does it mean? To be feral means to exist in a natural state, as animals or plants; not domesticated or cultivated; wild. As I endeavor to apply that concept to my faith I find it takes on many meanings to me. Here are my thoughts on it today.
I possess certain personality traits, whether handed down to me by my parents genetically or learned as a result of my environment. I often feel I struggle against certain aspects of my personality. Those struggles lead me to believe that maybe I was trained to abandon certain aspects of my personality that I should have clung to. I realize I am making little sense so I will draw on an example from my life as a parent.
My daughter and son are very strong willed. They are headstrong and persistent. My husband and I are training them to use that strength to glorify God. The struggle we have is this: we don't want to drive that persistence out of them, but we need them to be able to submit to godly authority. The easier task would be to teach them to stop being strong-willed, BUT isn't that a part of their personality that God has put in them?
I watch my children play and run and laugh and giggle and envy them their carefree mentality. Can't I as an adult maintain a portion of the childlikeness? Instead I was taught that I must grow up and mature. While I agree that I must mature in my faith, isn't there some room for that childlike heart? Doesn't God tell us that our hearts are to be pure as children's hearts in Matthew 18? I'm not suggesting that I revert to my adolescence and act immaturely, but I possessed an innocence, a naive courage, a wildness that only the young possess. I aim to get back to that part of me. That part of me believed that God could do anything through me. That part of me believed that God was bigger than the air I breath. That part of me was wild with wonder and amazement at the God I served. That is the feral Christianity I speak of. A return to the natural state God intended me to exist in, uncultivated and undomesticated, tended only by His divine hand.

Things That Happen

As I am reflecting on the week, I must admit I feel a sense of accomplishment. I have used different parenting techniques this week and have seen some positive changes. It's required a little more intestinal fortitude then I thought I had, but I surprise even myself sometimes. I've finished off those little tasks that I've been procrastinating on. Why I procrastinate I'll never know...I'll have to find the answer to that one...tomorrow.
We've also gotten a story written about our men's volleyball team. You can check out what has been said about our Eagles here. It was so neat for the guys to have something written about their efforts this year. We are excited to see what the season holds.
Finally, the decisions we are looking to make, are somewhat intimidating but it is so nice to know that no matter what we decide, we are in God's hands. Change used to freak the tortillas out of me, but I'm no longer afraid of what change holds. Changes that we go through have been difficult from time to time, but we've always come through strong with our DAD'S (I refer to God here) help. He's never let us down. He's always seen us through. And He's always taught us something about who we are and what strengths and weaknesses He sees in us. We are truly blessed and as we approach this weekend of much needed rest we know we are in His care, whether we are safe or not is another question.

I Am Qualified To Be A Parent

I’ve begun reading a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger titled Stupid Things Parents Do To Mess Up Their Kids. If you are looking for an honest look at parenting in American today, you’ll want to check it out. It very bluntly discusses her views on what is wrong with the parenting mentality in today’s society and how it can be corrected. It’s harsh and may offend many who have read it or will read it, but it’s a good read so far, even if it is a little slower than her more current books.

That being said, this book pointed out a flaw in my parenting mentality, which leads me to a realization. Sidebar, I hope I am always having realizations about my parenting. These realizations let me know I am always evolving as a parent. Okay so back to the realization, I know something about being a human being and therefore I am qualified to raise my children. I am not stupid, dumb, ignorant, unreasonable (although that can be argued from time to time), or incapable. I have survived to this point without killing myself. I am relatively happy. I am somewhat productive. I contribute to my community. I am qualified to speak on the topic of being a successful human being.

True story, I found myself asking my 7-year-old today whether or not she needed water for her martial arts class. I was asking her! Of course, she responded no. She was not willing to take the time to get the water she needs for the taxing class she would be attending. I started to lecture her on why she needed water and how important it was. I then proceeded to remind her of the most recent episode of dehydration we experienced, where she emptied her tummy EIGHT times in one day. Then, it hit me, a question that reverberated within me so loudly that it could only be divine. “WHY ARE YOU ARUGING WITH A SEVEN YEAR OLD? YOU KNOW BETTER THAN HER!” I paused for a moment speechless and still. My response could be only one thing. “Elisa go and get yourself some water. Don’t be lazy. You need the water and I know that better than you do. So just do it and then get into the truck.” She didn’t argue. She didn’t whine. She didn’t comment. She simply got her water and got into the truck. AMAZING! I am qualified and I am experienced enough to raise my children. I have something to teach them. I have something to impart into their lives. God thinks so. Why didn’t I?

Mediocre Christianity

So, just to recap, we participated in the tournament and survived. The kids did much better than they thought they would and I did about what I was expecting. It was a great experience and I am so glad we had the opportunity to do it. We all learned a valuable lesson on what it takes to be good at anything you do.
Which leads me to my next topic. I'm going to ask the question and hopefully I'll get some feedback. I really need to hear from anyone who has an opinion on this. Here's the question.
I hear many people talk of being Christan and giving God the glory in all we do. How can we give God the glory if we are performing at mediocre levels? AND...If we pursue excellence in all we do, how do we avoid crossing the line of making our performance more important than serving God?
I'd love to hear any thoughts on these questions. Whether you have a Christian perspective or not.

Tournament

So, tomorrow my kids and I will compete in our first martial arts tournament. I'm nervous, but I'm not so much nervous for me as I am for my kids. They are working hard to improve their forms and will most likely do well. I am also nervous for myself, but the nerves are manageable. Isn't it funny how we worry more about our kids and their stuff a little more than we worry about ours.
Anyway, I'll let you know how it all goes.

A Test Of Spirit

So this weekend at martial arts class we had to do an exercise. Sah bom nim called it a test of your spirit. I stood in front of a classmate and threw punches at him. He was only allowed to block. He could not move or punch back, only block. Sounds easy right, WRONG? As I was throwing punches two classmates, one to my right, one to my left, were to keep me from success. They could hold my arms, push me back, get in my way, and even punch me if they wanted. On hearing my assignment, my heart cringed. I didn't want to do this. It was going to be too hard. It was going to hurt. Then I heard another voice from somewhere deep inside of me. You can do this. Just stay focused on your target. Don't let anything stop you. This particular voice hasn't been around for too long. It's a new voice. But I really like it.
I started to think about something yesterday. Why do I like this class so much? I always hear people comment on the amount of strength I have. "You're such a strong person." "You're so brave." How is it possible for people to see something in you that you don't even see in yourself? I have never seen myself as strong. I have always seen myself as fearful and cowardly. But taking this class has drawn my attention to some of the strength I possess. I am not as cowardly as I believe myself to be. I am not as fearful as I feel. IT is just further proof that feeling is not reality. What I like about this class is this: It reminds me that I am strong enough, with God, to accomplish anything He assigns me to do. I can do all things, through Christ, who gives me strength.

Aesop's Fables

I've started reading through Aesop's Fables in order to add a little more culture to my reading. I never realized the humor in these stories. I really enjoy them and look forward to reading more. My favorite so far is the one below.

The Mischievous Dog
A DOG used to run up quietly to the heels of everyone he met, and to bite them without notice. His master suspended a bell about his neck so that the Dog might give notice of his presence wherever he went. Thinking it a mark of distinction, the Dog grew proud of his bell and went tinkling it all over the marketplace. One day an old hound said to him: Why do you make such an exhibition of yourself? That bell that you carry is not, believe me, any order of merit, but on the contrary a mark of disgrace, a public notice to all men to avoid you as an ill mannered dog."
Notoriety is often mistaken for fame.

Skiing the Big Mountain

So this week we realized a truth about our parenting. It is one of those truths that you learn and slap yourself in the head in vintage V8 fashion. How did we miss that one? We have searched for a new perspective on our parenting. We've felt like idiots who beat their head against the wall hoping the wall will crumble before concussion sets in. It is the grace of God that continues to enlighten us to the new and wonderful lessons of parenthood, and I am forever thankful for his faithfulness.
So you're wondering what the lesson is, or maybe you're not. I'm going to tell you anyway. My son tackled a fear this week. He has been wanting to ski with us for a couple of years now, but we've been sending him to ski school to prepare him. This year he got his chance. He was terrified and we knew it. To be honest I was terrified. I wanted him to succeed. I wanted him to feel the confidence that comes from tackling a fear. He was willing to try but reluctant to put himself completely into the task. After about one hour of "negotiating" my son took on the bunny hill. My son won. After he conquered the bunny hill he was ready to take on the big mountain. I wasn't so ready. His next task was taking on the big mountain. It was at this time daddy and I realized the only thing that stood in the way of him and the big mountain was us. He wanted to try it and we were going to have to let him. He took it on. He won. The lesson learned. Listen to your child. If he thinks he can take something on, let him take it on. Otherwise, it translates "Mommy and Daddy don't think you can handle this. We think you will fail." Not the message I want to send either of my kids.

You Personal Best

So this week we seem to have a theme going. My daughter and son play sports and I've heard them say a few times now that they aren't concerned about winning. I thought this was a good idea to have with regard to sports. We don't want them to be consumed with winning, but I realized what they meant with this statement. "I am not concerned with winning, so I won't give my best effort." Now, I don't want them to be obsessed with being better with everyone else, but I do want them to be the best that they can be. I want them to take Ecclesiastes 9:10 to heart. I want them to do whatever their hands find to do with all of their might. I want to do whatever my hand finds to do with all of my might. So our motto has become: Work hard to give 100% and winning takes care of itself. We can't always win. We tell our kids that. There is always someone better than you. But if you give 100% you can walk away from the game (in this case) knowing you gave your all.

Passing on My Faith to the Kids

Okay so I've been challenged by God lately to pass my faith on to my kids in a very deliberate way. I usually do by accident, but the time has come to get deliberate about it. I had a Bible time with them this morning and it was so neat to be able to share my faith with them. It was, of course, at an eight year old and six year old level. But it was very exciting to be able to share how God works in me with them. They had questions and comments and were interacting in a way I've never experienced before. I'm sure not all our times will be like this, but what a neat way to start. We did Bible time yesterday and they were apprehensive to say the least. But today, when I walked out with my Bible in hand, they were excited to start. I'm not sure if it's because we're reading the Bible or if it's because they get to hear about Mommy and how God has helped her. Either way, I look forward to more of our times together.

If - By Rudyard Kipling

I read this today and really liked it. I thought I would share it.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

I Hate Being Sick

So everyone in my house has been sick, including me. This week as pretty full and I've enjoyed the challenge of staying on top of my game, but I took a knee on Friday and I gave in to some sickness. I tried to will myself to go to my martial arts class but finally conceded that if I went to the sparring class I would probably get my butt kicked. I hate being sick. It keeps me from doing all that I want to do. However, I did enjoy the rest. But I'm feeling better and ready to start taking on the world again.

I Wanted To Change the World

Okay, so yesterday was a tough one. I didn't think I was going to make it with my sanity or my faith in tact. I remember as a little girl praying and asking God to use me in whatever way He saw fit. I NEVER dreamed He would do with me what He has. Don't get me wrong, I'm still up for the race, but did you ever get the feeling you signed up for the wrong competition. Like I'm a amateur and I wonder sometimes if I accidentally signed up for the pros. There's no way I'm in the right competition. Ephesians 3:20 says it best. "Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." My husband and I asked a good friend for guidance on the situation and I knew when she started with "she's not going to like what I'm going to say" that this was another opportunity for me to grow. It's good to have friends who will be honest with you. Firends who will tell you the truth even though they know it's not what you want to hear. It is the faithfulness of such friends that Proverbs speaks of in chapter 27 verse 6. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Someone asked me yesterday how I was and I started crying (something I hate to do in public). My only response was "it's not a pain free job, changing the world". And my only hope is that is what we are doing. Otherwise, what's the point?
For those of you keeping track, my next fear to overcome is the fear of appearing incompetent.

Yellow Belt, Ear Infection, Urgent Care, Two-A-Days

That pretty much sums up the last 72 hours. I tested for my yellow belt this weekend...yes I passed. I couldn't believe I actually broke a board with my hand. I felt like kicking someone in the teeth. Okay, that might be a little extreme. However, next to giving birth to my children, that was the most empowering experience of my life. I joined martial arts so I could overcome some of my fears, but I never imagined I would feel confidence in fear's place. It's a good feeling. The buzz was dulled by my 6-year-old's ear infection. So, as we sat in urgent care I felt the strength drain from my body as I listened to the barrage of coughs, sniffles, and children's moans. GERMS!!! Not to mention John was fighting a ferocious headache. So a quick trip to the nearest Walgreens saw me return with Tylenol, hand sanitizer, bottled water, and Airborne. We're all okay now, but as I watched the Super Bowl yesterday (which was one of the best games I've seen in a Super Bowl) I realized I was not prepared for two-a-day practice week for our volleyball team. How did I become this person? I used to be so scared of everything. I felt so inspired I began to write.

Afraid to live
Afraid to die
Afraid of truth
Paralyzed by lies

Paralyzed by fear
Paralyzed by doubt
Paralyzed by failure
Is there no way out?

Enraged by my weakness
Empowered by my resolve
Encouraged by my faith
Enveloped in His love

I know it's a girl poem, but it's a pretty accurate depiction of what can happen in the life of one who lives in fear. I haven't overcome it all, but DAMN it feels good to have overcome one more hurdle. Now to conquer the fear of heights.

Abraham

Today as I read through chapters 20-22 in Genesis I noticed something about Abraham. He receives seven promised from God during chapters 12 through 22. I jotted down these promises as I read, and I noticed that there was always something required of Abraham with each of the promises. This has caused me to wonder. Was Abraham willing to be obedient when God asked him to sacrifice Isaac because he knew God's character? Abraham fulfilled each of the requests from God and God was always faithful to his part of the promise. Did Abraham know, based on past experience, that God would come through for Abraham with regard to Isaac?

Question of the Day...maybe the week

I have operated under the idea that if I have more control in my home, my kids will be well-behaved. Today's epiphany. Maybe too much control makes the kids a little less than well-behaved. Maybe I do the best job I can as a parent and when they make mistakes, I do the best job I can as a parent. Maybe their mistakes are not a reflection of my parenting, but more a part of the process in their development as human beings. What do you other parents think?

Happy Anniversary

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 12th anniversary. It was a neat day. I know some women like a big production on their anniversary, but I'm more inclined to sentiment. Some have asked what I gifts I received and I have to giggle when I tell them. They make no sense to anyone but me. I received a book titled "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage", a Tinkerbell coffee cup, sparring gear for my martial arts class, and a dozen roses. For those of you who are appalled at my husband's selection I must clarify, because I never want anyone to accuse my MAN of being unromantic. The book is written by one of my role models, Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She's taught me a lot about life, parenthood, marriage, and morals through her nagging. I like to joke that my mother is my mother and Dr. Laura is my father. So my MAN gave me her newest book, the one I have been wanting but will never buy for myself, because it is a frivolity. The sparring gear is another frivolity I have been putting off. I need it to better myself at my martial art, but it's cost could be used elsewhere. Again, my MAN came through. The coffee cup is a symbol, of his love for me. I love Tink. She is sassy and brave. All the things I aspire to be. And while I love Tink it is the cup, or rather what the cup symbolizes. Each night my husband prepares coffee for me. It is the smell I awake to. I wake to the smell and the reminder that the night before my husband delayed his evening relaxation to make coffee, so I could enjoy a cup while I did my quiet time. My coffee cup is with my at this moment. It is with this reminder of love that I go about my day. I am able to be the mother to his children. I am challenged in every detail of my day to say thank you with my acts of service and kindness to this wonderful man who's gifts may be unromantic to anyone else, but speak volumes about passion and romance than any gift he could ever give me. Twelve years has taught me this lesson. I was a brat when we first began. I am so thankful that he has been patient with me and has loved me with a love that only God could give him. He has been a true example of what God's love must be like.

Competitive Faith Walks

Sometimes, I get more caught up in what others around me are doing and saying. I completely forget to examine what it is God is requiring of me. We are all called to something and therefore our walks will look different. I struggle to remember that my walk will not resemble anyone else's. That is what makes us so unique. We are not to mimic each other's walks or call others to walk our footsteps. We are only to be examples of God's love and arrows to His Will and His Way.

Here are some questions I'm going to be posing to my life:
What kinds of things do I do to make my faith walk look more holy?
Are they truly things that God is asking of me?
What is God asking me to do that I am not doing?

Any of your thoughts are welcomed.

Psalms 3

Here is my latest attempt at a poem

You won't make it
You can't win
Not even God can help you,
You are really that weak

As these thoughts bombard
And my will threatens to give in
I know You're near,
And life isn't that bleak

I whisper Your name
I know you come nearer
It grows to a shout
You will always come through

Every moment, every hour
The evidence becomes clearer
No matter where I am
You are there too

These threats, these fears
They hold no power I do not give
You make me brave, You are my courage,
You and me
We're in this thing together

I hear those lies and that is all they are
I choose not death but to truly live
My God is big, My God is strong
I can count on His strength forever

Building on A Shaky Foundation

Today's Reading ~ Genesis 15-17; Luke 6

Luke 6:46-49
It is difficult to build. That is just a given. It's difficult to build anything solid on a shaky foundation. However, if it is your foundation, there is no hesitation to dig it up and start over. But what proves to be most difficult is building on a shaky foundation that you didn't lay. Everything you attempt to build is in jeopard of toppling over. The work is overwhelmingly futile. What do you do? You didn't lay the foundation. I suppose the obvious answer is to dig it up and start over. Level it all and lay a more stable, stronger foundation. There's one final obstacle. Deadlines. Is it still a good idea? Is it possible to pull up the foundation, relay it, rebuild, and have it ready in time? I like to think that I can see clearly in a difficult situation. I like to think that no matter what I FEEL like doing, I can look past to SEE what is the RIGHT, GODLY thing to do. I can't seem to find that this time. This isn't a building of cement and bricks, this is a building of flesh and bone. We really don't want to mess this one up.

Why Do We Live With Fear?

Today's Reading~Genesis 12-14; Luke 5
Okay so I'm about to go on a tirade so I apologize in advance. I read about Abram today and the first two promises God gave to him. The first was that God would make Abram's name great and bless the whole world through him. God's orders were for him to leave everything he knew. Abram obeys. God's second promise was that Abram's descendants would posses the land of Canaan. Cool! The famine hits and Abram leaves. I don't know about you, but if God promised my people some land I'm staying with the land, but that's just me. He goes to Egypt where he convinces Sarai to say she's his sister not his wife, and she does. Again, not what I would do, but okay the times were different. Here's my issue, why do we do it? Why do we receive promises from God and then live in fear? I realize it all works out for Abram and Sarai and I realize they learned lots of lessons, but is it in the human nature to live with fear? I see so much of it today. WE have so many phobias. We hesitate, we second-guess, we analyze, we over think. WHY?! Do we not have an awesome God? Is His promise not enough? If God says He will move on our behalf will He not keep His word? Okay, so we don't know how HE will do it, or how it will happen...do we really need to know? I am the first to stand in front of my accusing finger. I doubt God's promises, I hesitate, I second-guess, I over analyze, I over think, I am guilty. But I want to believe. I want to trust. I want to buy into God's promises even if I look a fool. And maybe that is the key. What if I buy into the promise and God lets me down? I'll look like I'm a fool. My only answer to myself is, what if God comes through and I have not trusted? Don't I look like a fool anyway? (Deep sigh) The rant is over, thanks for listening.

Pushing Past the Pain

I must admit, this resolve to get fit spiritually and physically is coming at a price. Reading the Word is so difficult to do when you have a million other things on your list to do. Yes I know it shouldn't be a to do thing, but sometimes it is. As is physically exercising. The only upside with the physical is I have a class I have to be at. I have a time set aside to give to it. Reading is proving to be a little more complicated. So, I'm going to have to set aside time for it as I have done with my classes.
I had to do some exercises today that were painful, but I pushed past it and was able to complete the practice. I feel great having done it. Reading will have to be the same way. It's true there are other things I want to do and it will cost me, but isn't developing a relationship with God worth pushing past the pain? The more I grow in Him image the more I will influence the world around me.

Yellow Belts

I almost cheated my kids out of an awesome experience. They were to test to earn their yellow belt in Tang Soo (martial arts) and I was nervous they would not pass. They didn't seem to be ready. They didn't seem to understand how serious this was. What was wrong with them?! I heard that little voice inside (the one that is so much smarter than I and therefore must be God) tell me not to do it. I almost didn't listen. I had dozens of good reasons to ignore the voice. Ultimately, the voice won. I would keep my mouth shut. The kids are now yellow belts. The look on their faces was priceless. I almost cheated them out of it. I almost took that away from them. Thank God that He intervened. They are so pleased with themselves. I can tell this has been a life lesson for them and for me.

A Sky Window and That's All

Today's Reading Gen 6-8; Luke 3 - Following the Life Journal Reading Plan
Today's reading in Genesis told the famous story of Noah. I was struck by the directions to make an 18" hole at the top of the ark. This hole would later be the only view out of the ark. The window to the outside world showed only the sky. There was no other way for Noah to see out of the ark. There were no other directions given for windows. How would Noah see? No, there was no way for Noah to know whether the water had gone down enough to leave the ark except through the signs provided by God via the birds. The window did not allow him to see the earth. It did not afford him the opportunity to make his own judgment as to whether or not it was safe to emerge the ark that held them captive for nearly a year. He was solely dependent on God's timing. THE STORY OF MY LIFE! There are times God only allows me to see the sky of my life. It is usually after a storm has raged through and seemingly destroyed everything around me. I am unsure of what is going on outside and really wish I knew, but alas I must wait for the sign from God. I don't know about you, but this is usually a very uncomfortable time for me. It is also a great time for me to learn, if I can keep from jumping the gun. I have a tendency to move whether I hear God or not and must constantly fight the urge to act alone. If I can control my desire, God usually comes through and I learn valuable lessons. Otherwise, I will have to take that test again.

Blocking and Attacking Among Other Things

Genesis 1:1-2:25; Matthew 1:1-2:12; Psalm 1:1-6; Proverbs 1:1-6
As I was reading today, I was drawn to the genealogy portion of Matthew. I have read it way too many times before, but today I saw something new in it. It is interesting to me that Joseph's line goes back to King David. I'm sure that Joseph knew he had the blood of kings running through his veins. So, I have to assume that he understood the significance of kings. I suppose he had to have a grasp on king thinking.
As for Proverbs, this first portion is a sort of objective list for the reader. "Here's what this book is for..." and ironically it has something for everyone.
totally off the topic, I learned something in my tang soo class this weekend that gave me some insight into my spiritual life. I learned to block hits. And my sparring partner made the comment that when you block you want to quickly attack. Attacking after a block will catch your opponent off guard and earn you points. Block when you're enemy waiting for it and you gain no ground. I've spent my Christian life blocking the mental attacks I often go through, I have never dreamed of attacking. How can this apply? I'm sure it must.

No Pain, No Gain

As I endeavor to improve spiritually and physically I am feeling the effects of my decision already. I began martial arts classes yesterday. Yeah, I know, it's a little crazy, but I figured, what the heck. I completed my first class feeling invigorated and energized. I was pumped. I am going to be so cool! I am going to be a lean mean Tang Soo machine (that is the name of my martial art). Fast forward to today. OWWW! I am sore in places I didn't even know I was using yesterday. I must admit it is uncomfortable to feel this way, but secretly I like it. I suppose it isn't a secret anymore. I've now published it on a public blog, oh well. I like knowing that I am disciplining myself to be more. I like knowing that this pain I feel today is a signal that someday strength will take it's place.

Physical and Spiritual Creations

Today, I started reading my Bible again. I know it sounds so unholy of me. I have put aside the habit, and I could give lots of reasons why, but it boils down to laziness. I've been too lazy to discipline myself. It is like eating healthy and exercising. I know it is good for me , and I love to results when I have practiced the discipline. So I've turned my focus back to both my spiritual and physical health. I started in the beginning. I read Genesis 1-2 and Luke 1 today.
In Genesis, I noticed that God spoke to the earth and the earth did as He commanded. How cool is that to have so much power and use it to create a whole universe. However, in Genesis 2:8 it states that God planted a garden for the man and woman he would create, or did create. I'm still unclear as to the order on that one. Anyway it just reaffirmed to me that God is interested in the details of life. He created a whole world. He made something from nothing. Then, for man, He puts His hand into His own creation and makes something beautiful for His creation, man (whom He breathed into to bring physical life). Then I turned to Luke and read about Mary's story. I noticed a small correlation. God seemingly does the same thing with Mary. He takes His creation (Mary) and creates something(Jesus) for His creation (us). Only this time He breathes spiritual life into this creation. His Holy Spirit. Luke 1:35 The angel replied, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God."
As I thought about this I realized that God is in the business of fixing things up. He takes what seems like nothing and makes something amazing of it. God has taken my life (a once barren desolated desert) and has created a beautiful garden full of life and promise. I saw nothing of meaning or use and yet with a word from God, it has been transformed every painful and shameful detail of my life and created something extraordinary. He has breathed His spirit into my life and I am not longer the same. I so feared there would be no life to come from me and then God happened to me. Talk about an extreme makeover.

Happy New Your

New Year's Eve found me sitting with my family, sipping Elgin wine (Bisbee Copper is nice). As I sat there, I did a mental musical montage of my past year. The song, Little Wonders by Rob Thomas; the images, Isaac makes first contact with a basketball and falls in love for the first time; Elisa baking cookies...all by herself; skiing and not breaking my leg; John and the kids playing together and laughing so hard they can't breathe; Vincent waiting in the hall with his teammates, preparing to play a game. It has been a great year.
As the ball dropped, and Dick Clark so valiantly mumbled the countdown that would start 2008, I felt a deep sense of satisfaction. There are so many things that I didn't think I could do this year and yet I did them. I didn't think I would get back on the ski's after I broke my leg. I was nervous, but I did it anyway. I didn't think we could homeschool and be happy with it, I really doubted my character to do a good job and not drive my kids insane. I was scared and yet we are doing it. I didn't think we could be the parents of a teenager without any preparation. I wanted to throw up with the terror of it, but we are making it one day at a time. I didn't think I could join martial arts. I am seriously doubting my mental status on this decision, but I am going to do it anyway.
IF I had to say I have learned anything this year it would be this: I have learned to fail. I have learned to take chances and I have learned to make mistakes gracefully. I have learned that I am not good at some things, but as I have failed at those things I have learned that I am good at other things. I don't like making mistakes, but I have learned that mistakes are one of the best way to learn. And this year I have learned alot. A year ago the mistakes would have been an indicator, to me, of my failures. This year, I have to smile as I realized it's an indicator of little successes. I have succeeded over some of my fears, and as I overcome these fears, I am able to better appreciate those little wonders in my life. How can that be a failure? But don't worry, I still have plenty of fears left to overcome. So there will be plenty of mistakes to look forward to in 2008.
Final thought: Years ago, my Tio Manuel celebrated New Years with our family for the first time. He joined us as we rang in the new year with the traditional American "Happy New Year". His English wasn't as clear then as it is now so it sounded as if he was saying "Hoppy New Your!". So since then, our family always brings in the new year with the now traditional "Hoppy New Your!" So here's wishing you a HOPPY NEW YOUR!

A Serving of Perspective

I hate it when my perception of life is wrong. Don't you? I find this happens to me and it changes the whole way I see things. It isn't a bad thing to be able to shift perspectives, I just hate being wrong. I've spent most of my adulthood wondering why I don't get respect from the opposite sex. I already have "issues" with men stemming from childhood and then to feel disrespected by them is just adding insult to injury...that is, until I realized what the problem might be.
I was speaking with a friend yesterday and we were making polite conversation. (Just to set the scene, I had wondered to myself earlier in the day why this person was always so mean to me.) So we're making small talk when I hear a snide remark leave my mouth. OUCH! That was rude. I heard a little voice inside me comment, "And you wonder why he is mean to you?" I had been the one to draw first blood. I was the one on the offense.
As I recounted this story to my beloved later that day, I lamented that I might typically be the one on the offense. "I am offensive!" I jokingly exclaimed.
He is so sweet, because it was then that he made this insightful observation about me. "You are not offensive, honey," he said sweetly, "You just strike first to avoid being hurt." He knows me so well.
I have never felt comfortable in the presence of men, and to counter this feeling, I realize I may strike first to show my power despite my discomfort. So, I must now look through this new set of glasses at the world of men around me to assess, if in fact, it is my show of disrespect that leads to others lack of respect for me. Talk about a shift in perspective.

It's more important to have love

I was driving home from a presentation a couple of nights ago and listening to a favorite podcast, when a statement was made that hit me: It is more important that my home is filled with love than it is to have order. I heard this and was brought to tears. Why am I crying? I couldn't understand it. So I started talking to Dad (you may call Him God) and asked him about this. Flashes of my life began to unfold before me. Life has always been ordered and structured. It has always had love but the structure was what I took away from it. I began to realize that my home was filled with more order than love. My children are growing quickly and soon I will be out of time. What do I want them to take away from their childhood?
I know it is more important to have love than order, but my mind wouldn't accept it. So I have purposed to deliberately leave one thing undone today. I will replace once activity of order with one activity of love. It's going to bother me to leave it undone, but I am sure I will get used to it. It is more important to have love. Order never got me through rough times, but love always has.

Love

Did you know that it's hard to love? It is truly a commitment. It's easy to offer the love, but the only way it can work is if you are willing to receive it. You've got to be willing to open your heart and allow someone to come in. It's like allowing someone into your home. They come in and check things out, maybe pick up that old picture frame you've had for years. Let's hope they don't drop it or break it. You notice their feet are covered in mud and they are tracking mud throughout your home. It is scary and at times overwhelming just to let people into your house, how do you let people into your heart? The only answer I can find to this question lately, is God. You trust God. You don't trust the person, because people let you down. People fail you. People are messed up and I am one of those messed up people so I know what I am talking about. But God is perfect and God has never let me down. He's made me wonder sometimes, but He's always come through. I have been experimenting with this lately. We've been offered the opportunity to love someone who cannot really offer anything in return. I will admit, it has been a painful experience, but I am learning so much about God's love. AND I am seeing that as we allow God to use us to love this person, HE is able to minister to ALL of us. God is so cool.

Christmas Time Is Here

As we baked cookies, watched the Muppet's Christmas Carol, and put up the Christmas tree (which will be decorated tonight), I realized that Christmas time is here! I love this time of year. It's so magical for us. We watch the world transform from a bleak and dismal place into a bright and still somewhat dismal place. Yes it is true nothing has really changed. Mean people are still rude. Bad people are still angry and hostile. BUT Good people seem to come out of hiding. The love and joy they possess infiltrates the world for a brief moment. Christmas is about Jesus and the ultimate gift He gave. Not many people acknowledge that with their words. but whether they admit it or not, He is the reason for the season. I saw a young man's wish list this year (he is in the foster care system). He had put down the typical teenager requests and I'm sure his foster family will do their best to give him what they can. But what pierced my heart was his final request...LOVE. How we take love for granted! How we assume it will always be there. The love that others offer us so freely often goes unnoticed or unappreciated. Meanwhile, back on my ranch, I choose to absorb and offer love. After all, isn't that what Christmas is truly about?

My Relationship With God

I received an e-mail from an elementary school classmate last night. It was so cool to hear from a person you last knew as a child. It got me to thinking about the school I attended for 9 years and the different philosophies I learned. The god I knew then is not the God I know now. It is amazing how one can grow up in religion and completely miss the relational aspect of God. I knew what I was supposed to do to be perceived as a "good Christian". I knew all of the terms. I knew the phrases that would gain me approval and acceptance. And yet, I did not live the life that gained the approval of the one I served.
Even now, it is easy to get caught up impressing each other with our accomplishments and self righteousness. Unfortunately, I forget to impress God. I filter my thoughts and I now realize my beliefs for fear they will be too offensive. I don't know why I am rambling on about this other than to say that I am done. As I am journeying on my Feral Christianity, I am learning so much about who I want to be compared to who I am. In order to be that person, I am going to have to take risks. I am going to have to put myself out there and allow myself to be perceived, scrutinized, and yes even judged. However, in the end the only judgment I will live by is the one that has captured my heart and has loved me so deeply and so truly.

How To Swallow Pride

Did you ever have one of those moments when you say something and immediately you know you are going to regret it? Those moments, for me, are usually accompanied with a slice of humble pie. I usually have to swallow my pride as well. I wrote this some time ago and thought I would share it as it came to mind today. Enjoy.

How to Swallow Pride

When swallowing pride be sure to have a large glass of prayer and a morsel of humility close by. Pride must be eaten very carefully to avoid indigestion of the spirit. Pride is not often easily swallowed on the first try; one must try at least twice to choke it down. It is bitter to the taste and quite a mouthful, however, if you can manage to get it down, you will be free of the resentment and anger that usually accompany it. You may be asking why should I even consider doing this if it is so unpleasant. I once asked that question and this is the answer I received. Knowing how to swallow pride will help you keep peace with unreasonable people (remember, the unreasonable person may be you). It will help you solve problems that seem to have no solution. Knowing this valuable skill will help you maintain relationships that can change your life. It can also help you see the error of your way when the pride has become too big to see around. There is no way around pride. You cannot stuff it in your napkin and hope the dog will come and eat it. You cannot throw it away, it just starts to smell and increase in portion after a while. The only way to be rid of pride is to swallow it.

Bon Apetit.

Disconnected

I read the poem by Maya Angelou this morning and it made me think.
It made me think about how connected or should I say disconnected we are from each other. Our family joined a small group linked to our church recently and have found it to be one of the highlights of our week. We have begun forging new friendships and have continued reinforcing current friendships. We need each other. There is no way we were meant to live life alone. We work better when we are connected and involved with each other's lives. It is messy and it is inconvenient at times, but I can't think of a better way to spend energy. It is refreshing to know that I have people to turn to when I am going through the darkest day of my life and to also know that I will not have to celebrate life's joys alone. There will be people there to stand along side of us.
I'm baffled that I choose to be disconnected for so long. I love being a part of a community now that we have actually put some effort into it. Why do you think we are more content to live disconnected?

I'm Losing My Voice

In this society, it is easy to fall under the illusion that we are connected to the world. Text messaging, instant messaging, and e-mail make it possible to have relationships without ever speaking a word. I am truly convinced, though, that my relationships are suffering because I choose not to use my voice. It's easy to move my fingers and feel I am enlightening the world, but am I? My voice in the lives of the people I love most cannot be lost. I can text message my husband that I love him, but if I don't back that up here at home, how is he to believe. If I write a note to my children expressing love, but never take the time to show that love, how will they believe.
God wrote the Bible using people here on earth, but He is constantly leaving examples of His love on the world around us. Mere words were not enough, He put actions to those words and still continues to do so.
So here is my question to the few of you who are reading. How can we keep our voice from going silent in this age of technology? I would love to hear your ideas.

Extreme Makeover

I am awakened this morning by the growing list of things to do. It drives and compels me from my bed. I am rested and ready to take on the day but feel overwhelmed by my roles this morning. I know that my God will sustain me. Did I not read of His promise yesterday? He will sustain me. He is more than enough to see me through this day.
I must laugh as I stand outside myself and look at this person I am becoming. Who is she? She is motivated, optimistic, hopeful, and ready to take on life. She is not the fearful little person I once knew. She is not intimidated. She is not hesitant. I love God. He so totally rocks. It is by His hand and His hand alone that I am here. Without Him, I would have nothing.

1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.
Psalms 40:1-4

Hold On! Help is on the Way

How do we know that what we are doing is right? How do we know that the path we have chosen is the correct one? How can we be sure we are walking in the Will of God? When things are getting hectic around us (as things sometimes will) and we start to feel pressed in I often wonder this very thing. We have made major life changes lately, and we believe we are in the path God has chosen for us, but how can we be sure? Are there signs? Will we ever know? or is it merely a matter of walking and moving until we get where God is taking us?
I began homeschooling this year and have felt quite overwhelmed from time to time. I spent much of my time wondering if we had made the right choice. I felt so under qualified and ill-equipped for the job. But as we have continued and every day that I don't quit, God shows up and proves that he is enough.
I read this verse today in the Young's literal translation and it really spoke to me.

22Cast on Jehovah that which He hath given thee,
And He doth sustain thee,
He doth not suffer for ever the moving of the righteous.

It's easy to read this in other translations and get the idea that God won't allow us to fall or fail, but here I heard that he sustains me. Even though things around me are getting hectic, He won't allow it to go on forever, so hang on to Jesus baby. Help is on the way. Failures, falling, mistakes they will happen, but keep turning to God and He will provide you with what you need to make it.

I Wonder

Today I wanted to post something of value, something of intelligence, but alas, I have nothing intelligent to say, so why would it be of value. I have no words of wisdom. I do however, want to pose a question. Do all humans stop periodically and examine their lives? Do they wonder why God put them here? Do they wonder what purpose they serve? Am I alone in this habit?
I don't know. But I do wonder.

A Breath of Fresh Air

Titus 1:1-9
Last night, my family had the wonderful opportunity to join one of our church's small groups. It was a very exciting experience. We were able to discuss the Sunday sermon with our fellow members. We enjoyed the conversation and look forward to more meetings.
We are going through Titus right now and we immediately delve into the qualifications of leaders. I have grown up in church so I am very familiar with this particular passage. I have heard it misinterpreted and misused by many wishing to push their own agenda. The refreshing part of this meeting was that everyone had something to say and we were allowed to share our ideas and views without being persecuted.
I personally loved being able to dissect this passage and find some clarity as to its' meaning. As a woman, who tends to be a little strong, I have often felt I am pointless in the aspects of church. Strong women types are not received well at times by those in the religious community. I understand the reasoning for this, some women use their talent to push their agendas without thought to what is best for the community. As this is often times too common, it is difficult to learn what it is a strong godly woman looks like. While it is true, we have strong women of faith to look to such as Kay Arthur and Beth Moore, there are few we can look to in our community and learn from first hand. It was very enlightening to highlight this verse and be allowed to come to some of my own conclusions. It is definitely one I will spend some time exploring this week.