My Feral Christianity

God, I Give You Permission To Change My Life

2010-04-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

Asking God to change your life is a dangerous request. Don't imagine that He will change your life to accommodate your thinking. It won't happen that way...rather He changes your thinking to accommodate your life. It's not a bad thing to have happen, but if you're thinking your circumstances will change...think again. Your thinking about your circumstances will change. The upside is that you will eventually be more productive and find more peace. Those were the desired results so I can't complain. Just my thoughts for today.

The Fear of The Lord is the Beginning of Knowledge

2010-03-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. Here's the progression....I am scared of God punishing me (fear of the Lord), I study the Bible to understand how I can avoid that punishment (the beginning of knowledge) and as I study I learn how awesome and great His love for us is. This has been a cool topic to discuss with the kids. I actually encountered several schools of thought on this idea over the past couple of weeks. I'll share them with you.
1. God IS powerful but He is more about love. If we just absorb the love of God everything else will take care of itself. You won't want to sin anymore. You'll just be so full of love you'll want to do what God wants all the time.
2. God IS love, but He is powerful. He doesn't like our sin and it makes Him very angry and we don't want to make God angry do we? So be good and follow the rules or you'll make God mad.
3. If we just pound the Word of God into their hearts and minds we'll win them over. We need to drive Jesus into them so they won't stray into sin.

The sad thing is, we've subscribed to all of these schools of thought at one time or another. We've tried to teach our kids to love love love so they would be good. We've tried to make them fear so they would be good. We've tried to lecture and drill and pound the Word of God into them so they'll be good. None of these methods have worked for us. We are seeing kids who are growing up with these methods and some of them are starting to harden their hearts toward God. My husband and I don't want that for our children. Thus, we study God's Word to find His answers to our questions.

What we're learning is this:For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart (Hebrews 4:12). God's Word can change the children's hearts. We must not be afraid to give it to them. I've been guilty of watering down the Bible so the kids aren't overwhelmed by it, but am I not accusing God of being to much for them? Am I showing a lack of trust for God's ability to reach them where they are? Am I not demonstrating to them that God's Word is irrelevant in their lives? I really have to wonder. As we put the word of God in front of them (quite literally, it's on a white board in front of them as they eat breakfast), we have to trust that God will reveal Himself to them. As He shows up in their lives, we are here to pastor and guide them. It's been cool to watch happen. We're having some awesome conversations. Romans 2:4b points out that God's kindness is meant to bring us to repentance. God's kindness is meant to bring us to repentance! Not our lecturing, threatening, hammering, scolding, or yelling. God's kindness. It has nothing to do with me or my husband. It will have everything to do with God. I trust He'll be faithful to my children, and we open our home and our lives to allow Him that freedom.

Ummm Yeah...About This Parenting Thing

2010-03-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

So, okay. As we continue to pursue Godly parenting we find ourselves asking...What does that mean?! How do we start?! We've been praying and reading the Bible in a desperate attempt to find the right answers. As I type that sentence I realize I have just admitted our ignorance. Isn't that where our search should have started and not ended. I'm going to attempt to chronicle this journey. I hope it will be helpful to my kids someday. They'll be the ones to tell us whether God worked through us as parents or worked in spite of us. I sure hope it's that through us option.

FIRST PARENTING CONCEPT - KIDS ARE PRONE TO BE A WRECK AND THEY NEED GOD
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline. Proverbs 1:7
I was listening to a speaker who explained the fear of the Lord very appropriately and his idea on the subject has put a multitude of things into perspective for me. Angie summary is...God is big and good and holy and perfect. Adam and Eve were created. Adam and Eve mess up God's world. Humankind continues to mess up God's world and even goes so far as to kill His son. We are not perfect. Put us next to each other and you've got the true God of the universe and us messed up humans. I don't know about you but I'm a little nervous about how He feels about me if I keep messing up His world. I'm a wreck. Honestly I'm prone to be a wreck and if I'm really honest, when I'm ignoring God, I like being a wreck. I need God to help me stop.
Why would my kids be any different? It's so easy to push them out and see this fragile little human being who is so dependent on you for everything and believe they are innocent and without sin. But any parent who has ever told a two year old no and watched that child blatantly ignore said parent knows...they are not innocent and without sin. SO the first concept I've had to accept is that my children are prone to be a wreck. My husband seems to accept this truth more quickly than I do. As a mother, I don't want to believe it. That's my little baby. But if I am going to raise Godly children I must accept that they are in need of God's love and forgiveness just as I am. They are born with the desire to do wrong. Our response to this concept has been to pray that God would give them an awareness of Him, that God would help us to LOVINGLY show them how prone to sin they are and how much they need Him to be a part of their lives. If the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, then we want to cultivate in them the fear of the Lord. We aren't sure what this will look like, but we're having some interesting conversations. I'll keep you posted.

Faithwalking is easy for CHUMPS

2010-03-11T08:08:00.000-08:00

This week the Pastor Man opened up Nehemiah's life a little more by examining the distractions he faced. He's building the wall and these guys, their names is incredibly old school and hard to pronounce so I leave them out, are trying to get him to stop building. Distractions! You face distractions, I face distractions. It happens. I actually get to live this out in my week. Recently my hubby and I have felt God asking me to reexamine the focus of my area of service. We've prayed and prayed and agree with God (that's always a good conclusion isn't it) my focus will change. The decision hadn't even been made for 2 minutes when I heard all the arguments in my head on why I should stay on my current course. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Not to mention, this week is the craziest week of our month. So I'm also hearing arguments like, "And you think you can handle that? You're a fool!" Seriously, no lie. It's brutal. At times, it's everything I can do not to quit. Anyone who tells you a life of faith is easy...IS A CHUMP! That's right, I said it, a CHUMP! You would think I would struggle with thoughts like these...

"What am I supposed to do?" "Where should I serve?" "How involved should I be?"

NO! Those are the questions I already have answers to. The thoughts I have been wrestling with go more like this...

"It's going to require every ounce of me." "It's going to be hard." "I'm going to have to depend on You God, otherwise this won't get done."

I know what God is asking of me. I know He can get it done in me. What I don't know is this, how many times am I going to let Him down? How many times am I going to want to quit? How many times am I going to fight thoughts of inadequacy? I get tired just writing it down. Those are the thoughts I wrestle with, and I know I'm not the only one. You just aren't talking about your wrestling match. I know God is big enough, but if I commit to this I'm committing 100%. There is no halfway, there is no "I'll see how it goes". I do it or I don't.

What's my point? My point is, serving God is typically HARD. No one gets it easy. The Bible is full of stories of guys and gals who decided to serve God and then got their lives messed up. We shouldn't be focusing on how to keep the faith walk easy, we should be focusing on how to fight while we're on the faith walk. I'll share my strategies with you if you don't mind. It's not that I think you need them, I just need to write them down, because today I am going to have to fight on my faith walk and I need to refresh my memory.

1. Pray. Don't pray some fancy, wordy prayer. When I'm start wrestling with feelings of inadequacy and thoughts of quitting I just pray a simple seemingly wimpy prayer. "God I need you. I need you. I can't do this by myself. I need you." Make it your own prayer but make it simple and to the point.

2. Read your Bible. Yes, it works. Read Nehemiah, read Psalms, read Proverbs, read SOMETHING. Get familiar with what God says about you.

3. Finally, Pray some more.

Repeat this process as necessary. Don't get stuck on, "I should be beyond this" "I shouldn't be struggling with this." That's pride and that's sin. It will only delay the process.

Now, to go and live what I write.

My Throw Down With God.

2010-03-01T21:22:00.000-08:00

Me and God had a throw-down today. It was pretty intense. I was listening to the Pastor Man on the podcast today. I missed the main event on Saturday night and wanted to find out what I missed. We're going through Nehemiah and if you've been keeping up with the blog you know, I'm getting a lot out of it. You would be too if you were listening in. Anyway, I'm rabbit trailing.
So today I'm listening to the most recent talk and God starts whispering to me. Mind you, He's been whispering for a while, but I've been deflecting Him with other conversations. Today He would be heard. It went something like this
GOD: Hey I really want you to do something.
Me: I am doing something.
GOD: I want you to do this thing though.
Me: Ummmm, I don't think this is God.
GOD: Yeah chick, it's me.
Me: Ummmm, I don't really think that I want to do that.
GOD: But will you do it?
Me: Ummm, No?
GOD: Okay.
Me: Wait, wait, wait.....But I don't want to do it.
GOD: I heard you say that already.
Me: I'm going to end up doing it, You know I will. You know I want to do whatever You want me to do, but I want to go on record as saying I don't want to do it, so You're going to have to do something about that.
Then the response was so appropriate, it melted my heart.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

The big idea from the message was, Don't ask God what He wants you to do, ask God who He wants you to be. As you start to see who God wants you to be, you start to behave out of that knowledge. If you ask God what He wants you to do, it's easy to find reasons why you can't do it. Ask God who He wants me to be? I did. Who He wants me to be, is different than what I want me to be. But as I put the two together I realized, He's trying to give me a hope and a future. And the two, do go together, just not in the way I was planning. How can I go wrong with God's plan? So, God wins, again. Sweet defeat.

The Uniting Principle

2010-02-23T08:08:00.000-08:00

As the Nehemiah series continues, I'm finding Iove this story. I've said that before, but I'm saying it again, I LOVE IT! This morning the Nehemiah Study Guide recommended we read over Ephesians 4:2-3. Have you ever read that passage? No, I mean really read it. I added the first verse for context sake.

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ~Ephesians 4:1-3

After reading the passage, I thought, hmmm that's nice. However, my curiosity was piqued. What did that really mean? Oh my! I love words and language. It is a passion of mine. So from time to time I'll study the words to get the full impact of the verse. This is what I got. Granted, it is my interpretation, so disagree if you will.

Angie Interpretation
Walk with humbleness of mind (you're not the best thing to happen to the world)
Walk with moral excellence that is useful (what good is it if you're moral and you are of no help to anyone)
Walk with a long enduring temper (in the same way that they get on your last nerve, you get on theirs so relax)
Hold yourself up in love for another (If you depend on others to make you feel good you'll get let down. Besides feelings are fleeting and cannot be trusted. So remember that you love them and operate out of that fact.)
Use speed, be prompt and earnest to keep the unity of the Spirit in the uniting principle of peace(Don't put making peace off until tomorrow, it may be too late.)

How different would churches look if we operated out of this understanding? How different would our interactions with each other be? How would our marriages endure? How would our parenting change? It's amazing to me to see how practical and useful this can be to my life. I just thought I'd share it with you all. Hope it helps.

A New Hat & a Strong Heart

2010-02-22T07:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I smile when I think of what God has done in my life. God has been so good, He's been just that good. I was once so afraid of life, love, and new experiences. This week, as I tackle tasks that require so much of me, I smile. Who is this person? Who does she think she is? She believes she can change the world. She is no longer filled with fear. She looks for new experiences. Who is this person? She is a woman in love with God, the one who has been so faithful and good. The Bible passage comes rushing to the front of my mind and I must share it.

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
~ Isaiah 61: 1-3

As Israel is in the middle of a hard age in history, at this point, they receive this promise from God. I read this as a little girl and told God, if You can help these people, You can help me. My heart was broken at a very young age, in my mind, I was poor, I felt like a prisoner of one who would choose evil over and over again, so I knew I would qualify for the blessing. I realize I was a child and my thinking was a bit warped, but I believed God would give me a beautiful hat to replace the ashes someday. I believed He would fill my life with gladness and give me a strong heart to replace the sadness and fear. It took a while to realize those dreams, but He has blessed my life so greatly. I have clung to God with ferocity and when I have let go, He has held me even more ferociously. I suppose my point is, God comes through. He may not come through in our time frame, but He comes through in His time frame. If your life is broken, if your heart is destroyed, if you are prisoner to sin, pain, hurt, anything, if you need a new hat and some new clothes to replace the rags of shame and disappointment....I have an answer for you...GOD. God is so good....He's been just that good to this little girl from the neighborhood.

Are You Sure I'm the Trowel You Wanted?

2010-02-16T08:30:00.000-08:00

It has finally happened. I am a Feral Christian. I found God as a little girl at 6 years old. I gave Him my heart completely and He took that 6 year old little girl seriously. That afternoon, I drove home in the back of a pick up truck singing crazy pentecostal songs with a 50-year-old man who found Jesus the same day. We sang at the top of our lungs and we sang the song over and over again. I was a crazy 6 year-old Christian who had no fear, no inhibitions, and no worries of what the world thought of me. As I grew, I was tamed by religion. I was bound by piety. I was crippled by my pride. At 30 I began to miss the crazy 6-year old. I've journeyed to get back in touch with her. Four years later, I'm reconnecting with the fearless, uninhibited, wild child I once was. I believe God is big. I believe He loves me. I believe He's got big plans for my little life.
That being said, I'm struck by a thought today while I'm reading my Bible. Our church is doing a series on Nehemiah and I am loving this story. A slave decides he wants to rebuild the walls of a city he is descended from but has never visited. I imagine him as a William Wallace, Maximus, or Leonidas type of guy. I imagine him riding around on his horse, reminding the people of the power of the God they serve. I imagine him carrying his trowel in one hand and his sword in the other. Did I say a trowel? Yeah, the guy is building a wall. As he is rebuilding the wall he's met with resistance, but is able to rally his countrymen to defend what is rightfully theirs. What a story!
So the thought I am struck with is this: I must be prepared to do the work of a woman who believes and serves a big God. I have children and it's a hard job. I thought it would let up a little once they got older, but it's getting harder. My days are no longer filled with changing diapers, breastfeeding, or holding little ones who need to be close. My days are now filled with prayer, observation, prayer, imparting knowledge and wisdom, and prayer. I have been moving forward in this season of my life with apprehension, insecurity, and downright fear. As I envision Nehemiah walking around the wall encouraging the people of God to continue building, I imagine myself there. My husband and I are God's tools and we are being used in the lives of Isaac and Elisa. I must have faith that God is able to use me to do what He has planned for me to do. Let's imagine I am the trowel and I spend my day as such...God, are You sure You want me? There are better trowels. There are fancier trowels. I am not the most expensive trowel. I've got a dent and if you look closely, there's a chip here. I know it says stainless steel, but maybe I'm really made out of plastic and am only covered with stainless steel paint... That wouldn't do. No. As I thought about this I had this image instead...God walks into the garden center at Target. He walks over to the trowels. He looks and looks for the perfect trowel for Isaac and Elisa's lives. He finds me. He says, "This trowel is perfect. It's just what I was looking for. This trowel, will be the trowel I need to build the lives of Isaac and Elisa." As I type this, tears fill my eyes. God chose me to be their mother. God chose me to be John's wife. God chose me to be the daughter and sister in my extended family. It wasn't an accident. God didn't make a mistake and I didn't slip by without Him noticing. He was deliberate. I will surrender to that Will and move forward with confidence and courage.

Have a Great Valentine's Day

2010-02-12T11:16:00.000-08:00

Today I'd like to take some time and honor my Valentine. My honey and I have been married for 14 years. We've known each other for 17 years. He is the love of my life and I thank God for him every day. I have been honored to be the witness to his life and to have his as the witness of mine. I've been keeping track this week of the romantic things he does for me.There are more than I can list so in honor of Valentine's day, I will only list 14.

~ Made sure the dishes were done even though he was tired, because he knew I'd been shuttling kids around all afternoon including a last minute shopping trip for Valentine's day class cards.
~ Joined me in helping the kids to get their Valentine's day cards finished.
~ Refilled the sweet n low bowl.
~ Prepared coffee for me every morning so that I could wake up to fresh brewed coffee smells.
~ Picked up my prescription on his way home.
~ Reminded me to take my meds because he knows I have no brain in the morning.
~ Brought me a glass of water to take my meds with.
~ Sent me text messages during the day to tell me how much he appreciated my contribution to the family.

~ Transferred the laundry from the washer to the dryer because he knows my shortness makes this a difficult task for me.
~ Opens the car door for me and gets frustrated when I open it for myself.
~ Got dinner started because he got home before we did and knew the kids would be hungry.
~ Lets me put my cold feet on his warm feet.
~ Allowed me to be a stay home mom even though he works like a mule to keep the bills paid.
~ And finally, He loves Jesus with all of his heart and that is incredibly romantic to me.

It's easy to overlook the every day tasks our man does as his expression of love. It's easy to mourn over the lack of flowers, jewelry, and sweet loves notes. I love those things as much as the next gal, but men are a gender of action and if you take a minute and pay attention, we will see they are screaming out their love for us in their own practical ways.
Now before you start commenting on how easy I've got it, let me remind you, I give him three essential things. These love acts are his response to my providing for three of his needs.
1. I pray for him when he frustrates me rather than talk him to death (God's better at getting through to him than I am. I admit it freely.)
2. I tell him how proud I am of him and what an awesome husband and father he is. He loves to hear it, why not say it?
3. Physical contact. I heard a wise woman once say, "Go to sleep with one part of your body touching his." Enough said.

I do these three things and in return I get a multitude of daily love acts. I'd love to see every wife have a husband who cherishes her. I'd love to see every husband have a wife who believe he is the hero of the home. This blog post is me doing my part to see that vision become a reality. Hey, ya can't blame a gal for trying, right?
Have a Great Valentine's Day

Broken Hearts and Tough Decisions

2010-02-07T11:58:00.000-08:00

WOW! Friday's events were more than I bargained for. It has taken me 16 hours to take in the weight of it all. I wasn't even able to speak about my reaction to it until 12 hours later. My heart was broken for people. I have never had that happen before. I made the comment to a dear friend of ours that I have spent years as a Christian without having my heart broken for people...I then joked, "Can I really say I've lived the life of a Christian if my heart has not been broken?". I watched a brave group of people decide to shut down a school. Their hearts were heavy with the decision. I then watched the same group of people make the decision to merge with another school. They made the decision I feel was in the best interest of their community, but I could tell they understood the weight of the decision and, much like Frodo, they wished this task was not theirs to bear.
I'm left with a desperate feeling that there is something I should do to help, but our family is still trying to decide how our family will move forward with regards to this decision. I wish only to be helpful. I wish only to make a difference. I wish most of all to be an example of the awesome God who I love and serve. How to do that remains to be seen.

Four Schools and a Guarantee

2010-02-05T14:26:00.000-08:00

Jeepers creepers! The past month has been a whirlwind of activity. Our lives are filled with school, tang soo (martial arts), volleyball prep, basketball games, church, and meetings. Our family has attended more meetings this year than last year this time. Is it always this difficult to stay involved and informed?
Our school has been faced with the "opportunity" to merge with another school in an attempt to save funding for the district. We are being asked to choose one of four schools to merge with. I've been doing my part to stay informed and educated. It's overwhelming. Half way through the process I asked my husband this question: Why didn't they just decide for us? It's so much energy and confusion and stress to think of what is in the best interest of my children's education. But isn't that my job as a parent? Yes, it is. So, we've prayed, gathered information, researched, and researched some more and we've come to one conclusion: There are no guarantees we will make the "right" decision. I think that is what I've been looking for in all of this research and it eludes me continually.
What it boils down to, is the system needs Jesus. I am a parent who is involved and dedicated to the best interest of my children, whatever that may be, but not every child at my school has that. For every parent that has a parent who shows up, we have two that don't. For every child we have a home life that may or may not involve Jesus. We've tried to make this decision based on the research we've done, but who's to say that will not fail us. There are no guarantees. The only guarantee is Jesus and so we make our choice and trust He will meet us no matter where we land.

Nehemiah

2010-01-27T07:47:00.000-08:00

Nehemiah....oh boy. This book is going to get our church in a whole lot of trouble. It's a good thing, don't get me wrong pastor man, but do you realize what you're doing? You're encouraging us to dream and pray and seek God regarding the plans He has for our futures. God is giving me a vision and I know I'm not the only one. My fellow Revolutionaries, do you realize what could happen to Tuscon if we all pursue those things that God has put in our hearts to do? Tucson will be turned upside down and inside out! Boy oh boy oh boy....this could be big. Can we hold to it? Can we persevere? Can we stand the storm that comes when we decide to follow Jesus? I can't wait to find out.

What The Heck Is Going On Here?!

2010-01-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

What the heck is going on here?! Something is going on inside of my heart, my mind and scarier still...the depths of who I am. I've been a Christian my whole life and I have never felt a passion stirring in me for those who don't know Jesus. I can't stop talking about Him. I can't stop thinking about Him. If I didn't know better I would say I'm a new believer. But I know what's really going on. I've been praying that God would change my heart and soften it for Him and His people. It's happening. How have I gone this long without feeling this passion? If I didn't feel such an undescribable joy, I would feel sad about it.
So let me caution you who have called yourself Christian now. Do not let your heart be hardened. Don't start to think the way the world thinks. God is big. God is powerful. But so much more importantly, God is loving. and the best way for us to make His name famous is to allow Him to plant that love inside of our hearts.
Our church is going through a new series. Building a City Within a City. It is a study on Nehemiah. The first one was awesome. The pastor man referenced a Saturday night where he preached to 11 of us. I remember that night. I remember asking God that night if we were in the right place. I saw how many people were there and it didn't look good. I asked God for a sign. Boy did He give me one. That pastor man walked out on to the stage and preached. He remembers sounding angry, I remember him sounding passionate. I remember being floored by the passion with which he preached...to all 11 of us. I've been asking God for the same passion. It's taken a while, but I think I see sparks of it in my heart. Are you passionate about God? And if you are not, really start asking yourself, why?

A Story Worth Telling

2010-01-06T08:31:00.001-08:00

You know those movies where the boy meets the girl. The love stories spent recalling how they almost fell in love several times. The meet, they part, they meet they part, one loves the other, it isn't reciprocated. Until the climax of the story, they meet in some sort of crisis and realize they can't live without each other and finally fall in love and live happily ever after. You know the stories I'm talking about. That is my story with God. The only twist is, He has always loved me faithfully. He's always been with me. I have always thought, "One day, I'll write my story and the world will be changed by it." I realize how vain that is now. I have spent too much time worrying that I have stories that will never be told. I worry that God has put me on a shelf to collect dust. I am so wretched. I don't deserve to have my story told for it is not my story. I don't deserve to have my name remembered. I don't deserve to be memorialized. I am a sinful woman. I have evil and selfishness in my heart. Any good that comes from my life has come at the hand of God. You, O GOD, have been the glory of my story. No one should want to remember me, nor should I want to be remembered. I have failed you over and over again. If any story is to be told about my life it should be the story of how I failed God over and over again and how He continued to bless my life. I didn't deserve it, nor did I earn it. I earned punishment, and consequence. God has given me favor. My story is no different from yours. The details may change, but God has been pursuing you just as He has pursued me. He loves you faithfully and completely, as He loves me. No. My story is no different. My good days, if I lined them all up together, would compose a paragraph, maybe. Nothing about me will change the world. I'm broken, I'm horribly imperfect, and I'm mean-spirited. My story will not make you want to follow God. God, now He's a different story. He's someone worth talking about. Did you know that He loved humanity so much that He took on human form so He could walk among us? Did you know that even though we were terribly mean to Him during His time on earth, He still loved us? Did you know He allowed Himself to be beaten and laughed at, by US, just so the price for our stupidity would be paid? Did you know that He willingly went to the cross? I would have used my power as God to put an end to the pain. I would have killed everyone who was hurting me. I would have sent us all to hell and started over and I would have felt completely justified. My bad choices, my mistakes, they all are my own doing. I chose those things. God chose to love me even though I did those things and still doing those things. No, my story isn't worth telling, unless I tell you that God is responsible for any good thing in my life. The husband I have, God gave him to me. The family I am a part of, God gave that family to me. The children I have, God gave them to me. The love that has filled my life, God is responsible for that. The peace that lives with me, it is the peace God gives. Every good and perfect thing comes from God. Do you have that? You should. God wants to give it to you. So what I know now is that, my story isn't worth telling, but if you ask me, I will tell you about the God that loves you so much and wants to come into your story and fill it with all of the love He has for you. That story would never end.

Goodbye 2009

2009-12-31T08:54:00.000-08:00

December 31st is usually a day I take to look over the past year. What have I done with my life? How have I spent my time? Have I made God's name famous with my life?

As I look back over the year, the one event that changed my life was the news of a carcinogenic polyp. It had no physical impact on my life, but the spiritual and emotional impact lasted all year. Cancer. It took me a while to grasp the impact of it. At first I was angry, and then I was terrified. I could die someday. We found it quite by accident, but God is so sovereign, there are no accidents with Him. My immediate thoughts went to "What if we had not found that? I would have died and left my family here without me." My next thought was, "Have I been diligent to teach my children?" The answer was no. That was in January. The remainder of the year I spent on my face! "I have been a poor steward of the life God has given me. Help us to prepare their hearts for You." I believe God is answering my prayer. We've got a long way to go, but I am learning to savor each moment with my children. The moments of their childhood are fleeting. I want to be a good steward with these precious little lives, no matter how much they frustrate me.
In two years, I'll have to go again and allow the doctors to search for new carcinogenic polyps. I cannot control what they will find, believe me I've done my research. There is nothing I can do to control what grows and develops, but God can. I want to say at that point, that I have been a good and faithful, but not perfect, steward of my life, regardless of what they find or don't find.
So, 2009 has been a year of deaths for me. Death to the ideas I once held, death to the things I though were so important, death to the worry over trivial matters, death to my flesh, death to my flesh again, and death to my flesh some more. It has been a good year and I am so glad that I survived, no I take that back. I am so glad that God has been free to grow me and develop me despite the struggles. I look forward to 2010. I do not know what it holds. I only know God will have His way and I cannot wait to see what that looks like.

What Am I Doing and Why?

2009-11-30T15:22:00.000-08:00

As I have kept this blog I have come to a point where I wonder....what's the point? Why do I keep this blog? If I stop to think about it, it is quite arrogant of me to think that the world wants to hear the ponderings of a homemaker from the tumbleweeds. What do I have to say that is so different from anyone else in the world? Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for pats on the backs or encouragements, I'm seriously asking the question of myself.

I began this blog in an attempt to reconnect with some lost part of myself, a part that was vital to the quality of my life. That was two years ago. What I have learned is that I am wild. I am rambunctious. I am sensitive. I don't much like that discovery, but I am a girl and I am sensitive. I am passionate about my family. It explains why I take my job with them so seriously. It is something I feel passionately about and will stop trying to feel otherwise. I do like order when the time calls for it, but otherwise I love the chaos of life. It often stresses me out, but I am learning to savor it and almost enjoy it. My job at this time is to raise my children. My job until I die is to love, serve, and respect my husband. My job to come is beginning to become clear, but it does frighten me at times. However, I'm not completely clear, so I'l keep this one under my hat. But the most important discovery is that I love Jesus and He loves me so completely. It is a love I do not understand or even wish to explain. It is a love I choose to accept and embrace.

So one goal of my blog is being met. It will be a lifelong process I'm sure. Now to figure out what to do next.

Men and Women

2009-11-16T09:30:00.000-08:00

I got the opportunity to revisit my past yesterday. I believe it's good to do this once in a while to grab a sense of how much growth has occurred. The portion I visited had to do with my view of men and women and their relation to each other. I was amazed to find that my ideas on this topic have changed almost completely since the days of my teen-hood.

I watched many versions of relationships and decided early on that I would never depend on a man. I would never allow a man to be EVERYTHING to me. I would marry a man, I would love a man, I would allow a man to be the father of my children, but I would remain in control. I realize now that this was my response to being hurt by men over and over again. I did not realize that at the time. I spent the first several years of my marriage trying to maintain control. It was quite comical as I look back on it now. If you know my husband you know that he is a happy go lucky kind of guy, but he is strong. He'll allow me my illusion of control. He'll allow me to think I've got everything organized, but we both know, it's a joint effort. We need each other and it's a beautiful thing. Once we got past my need for control and his need to be invincible we have found we make a pretty good team.

I read in Genesis 2 today about the creation of man and woman and realized, this is the way God set it up. We compliment each other. We challenge each other. We encourage each other to grow. We hold each other accountable when we don't. Why do we fight it so fiercely? Why do we fight to be independent of each other? It's no wonder we have such a lack of strong men willing to do the job of husbanding and fathering. We've spend the past few decades telling them we don't need them. We women have convinced men and ourselves that we can do anything they can do better. Why would we need them? No wonder they have checked out. I agree...we may be able to do some things better, but why would be want to use that knowledge to push them out of the picture? Why wouldn't we want to use our knowledge to help them to become the best men they can be? We all benefit from their strength. We all benefit from their presence. We all benefit from their contributions to society. These are just questions I have running around in my mind today as I remember how fiercely I fought to do my husbands job. I find such peace and contentment in using my gifts to help him become the man God has called him to be. I find such joy and pride as I watch him take his place in society as a strong man of God. I enjoy such relief as I watch him father our children and know, they will have an opportunity I never had. He pursuing his role as a man and I am pursuing my role as a woman. It's better than the control I thought I had...so much better.

Moving The Human Mountain

2009-11-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

Webster's first two definitions of faith are:
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof

Faith has been the common thread of my life. Everything I hear and read has some connection to faith. My adult life seems to be much like that of all adults; full of life's complications, frustrations, and disappointments. Because I was raised in a family of faith, there came a time when I wanted to know personally what this faith meant for me. It sent me on a journey of questions and investigations that led to an idea I hold personally. I knew what others told me their faith was and foolishly, I tried to imitate their description of faith. Faith cannot be imitated. Faith is as personal and unique as a preference of coffee, in my estimation. Everyone likes a Starbucks beverage, and if you don't then there is just something wrong with you. But all kidding aside. Everyone likes coffee in some way shape or form. It might be the Mocha Latte, the Double Shot Espresso, or the Caramel Mocha Frappaccino Light with no whipped cream. It could even be that the only coffee you take is in icecream. It is the same with faith. I cannot expect my husband to demonstrate his faith the same way I do. I am a woman. I cry when I feel God move, I sing when God touches my heart. My husband's responses to God in his life are very different. So investigating your faith can be a good thing.

So, here's what I came up with. Belief must come before faith and faith cannot come without belief. I know, hang with me. I must believe in God to have faith. I must believe He is who He says He is. I must believe what He says about me and what He promises me. My faith is the evidence of that belief. My faith is the proof of what my belief is. The integrity of my belief will be shown in my faith. Faith should be active and in alignment with what I believe. If I believe God loves me, I will behave as though He does. If I believe God wants to bless me to be a blessing, I should start being a blessing. I do not wait for Him to bless me because I already know He will. I act on my belief even without the proof. It is behaving based on what I believe, not believing to change my behavior. You can believe, but if you are refusing to act based on those beliefs, do you really believe? It is in our nature to get lazy and expect God to move on our behalf while we stand idly by and wait for something to happen. It is in our nature to ask God to prove His existence by acting on our behalf. We ask Him to prove His greatness by moving a giant mountain. The reality is this: the mountain He wishes to move is my heart. The greater power is the one that ejects me from my comfort zone and prods me to move AND to do it with my permission. The greater miracle is the one that occurs when a hard stubborn heart allows itself to be softened and tenderized to God. Now, THAT mountain, is often much more difficult to move.

Ultimately, I made a choice. There was no proof. I made a choice. And my prayer is this; Everything that has followed that choice is evidence of my faith.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

August 16, 1998

2009-11-09T07:37:00.000-08:00

I love reading my bible and finding scriptures with dates next to them. I found the date 8-16-98 marked next to Amos 9:11-14.

In that day I will restore the fallen house of David.
I will repair it's damaged walls.
From the ruins I will rebuild it and restore it's former glory.
And Israel will possess what is left of Edom and all the nations I have called to be mine
The Lord has spoken, and he will do these things.
“The time will come,” says the Lord, “when the grain and grapes will grow faster than they can be harvested. Then the terraced vineyards on the hills of Israel will drip with sweet wine!
I will bring my exiled people of Israel back from distant lands, and they will rebuild their ruined cities and live in them again. They will plant vineyards and gardens; they will eat their crops and drink their wine.

As I read through this verse I tried to remember what was going on in August 1998 that made this verse so important that I would want to remember it. Then it hit me. It was a painful time in my life. We had just experienced a miscarriage and I was devastated. I had been operating under the belief that if I followed God's rules, I would not experience loss and pain. And if I did experience loss and pain, it was a direct result of my sin. You can imagine how the loss of this child would cause me to question what I believed. What sin had I partaken in that warranted the loss of my unborn child? What had I done to deserve the death of my child? Surely my sin wasn't that great! It wasn't the child alone I grieved, it was the hopes, dreams, and aspirations that were assigned the child. I had suffered events in my youth that made me question my ability to have children. I had sighed with relief when I learned of my pregnancy.
"God has been faithful! I will get to bear children. I will get to fulfill my hopes of being a mother." SLAM! The miscarriage had shut that door. Maybe I wouldn't get to carry children. It wasn't fair. I was to suffer for the sins of others. IT WAS NOT FAIR. God seemed cold and far. He seemed uncaring and cruel. I wanted to turn my back on Him and I did for a short time. I thumbed my nose at Him and let Him know I could handle my life without Him. I have never been so alone or so afraid in all of my life. And then, I heard the story of Isaac and Abraham. I had heard it before but this time it was different. I commiserated with Abraham as he took his hopes and dreams, his promises of a future....Isaac...and laid them on an altar. He loved God more than what he had been promised. He was being asked to trust God even though it didn't make sense. I don't know why I read Amos that day. But I did. The promise God gave to Israel struck a chord with me. I felt as if I had been pillaged of everything that was pure and good. I felt desolated and ravaged. All that I had dreamed of and hoped for had been taken. But I also knew that God was my life. I needed Him more than I needed to be a mother. I laid my dreams of motherhood and bearing children at the altar and held Amos 9 as my receipt. I would trust God, but I would hold Him to His promise of restoring what had been taken. I felt a peace that day that I had never known. I chose to believe that no matter what my future held, I would serve God. He was life and without Him I had no purpose. If I was to live life without children, then there must be another purpose for my life. I found out within that week that I was carrying my first child, Isaac D'Artagnan.

Not all stories turn out the way we want them to. God doesn't always come through for us the way we want Him to. The pastor man is always saying that I agree with him. He didn't come through for John the Baptist and save his life. He didn't come through for me and save my child. But I have learned to trust that He's got a purpose for it all.

It is amazing to me to see how His promise is being fulfilled. I can see how God has repaired the holes of my life. I can see how God has been restoring and rebuilding my life. He has given me courage when I had none. He has given me joy, when I had lost all hope. He has given me love, when I had shut my heart to all love. He has been so good to me. He has been so faithful. His love for me has never once been too little or not enough. Even when I thought He was so far away, He was there.

Confidence Builders and Guilt Busters

2009-10-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

This week I've put my actions behind my words. I heard a quote at the beginning of the week and decided to put it into action. Angie paraphrase "The best way to develop confidence in kids is to allow them to struggle through a difficult task until they succeed." It was one of those quotes that I heard and thought "That is so true and so many parents don't do it." It was at this moment that a little voice inside challenged me..."Neither do you." OUCH! Everything in me fought against this. Yes I do. I do allow my children to struggle through difficult tasks. But then I got to thinking...then why do they lack confidence? I allow them to struggle with it, but I don't allow them to struggle until they succeed. So I've been challenging the kids to different things and staying out of the way so they can succeed. They have done well. I've noticed a little bit of confidence beginning to emerge and it's really cool to watch happen. However, the proof was in the happenings of last night. Each child had a task they DID NOT want to complete. The children have studied me and know the fastest way to get out of the work they are supposed to do. How do I know, their tactics were precise and effective last night and I nearly gave in.
Elisa continued to stall and allow herself to be distracted from her task. She came out of the office every 5 minutes to pet the dog, ask what was going on, even the shameless tactic of "Mommy, I love you, I just need a hug cause this is so hard." She's good. Everything in me wanted to jump in and help her focus. Thank God my husband was there, because I kept myself in check knowing he would hold me accountable to what I had been purposing to do. Isaac's approach is different. He plays on my emotions and my sympathies for his feelings. He whines, complains, he may even start to cry, and then finally diverts attention from the task at hand with jokes or physical humor. Everything in me wanted to tell him to quit and just go to bed. But again, my husband was working with him, and I knew he would hold me accountable to what I had been purposing to do. So, I distracted myself with Facebook comments and Sudoko puzzles. I kept silent and did nothing. They each succeeded at their tasks and both walked away from their tasks feeling a little taller. It was so amazing to watch them in the giddiness of their success. It did bring a tear to my eye.

I learned something about myself last night, though. I'm not trying to make their lives easier, I'm trying to make my life easier. I do not like to hear the whining, complaining, and crying they do. It makes me feel like a bad parent. I begin to hear lies of "What a mean parent you are. Why don't you just help them, you know they can't do it alone. They are going to grow up hating you and write books about you. They'll end up on Oprah's couch talking about what a heartless mother you were. Yup...You suck as a mother." I know they are lies right now, but in the heat of the moment I am almost paralyzed by them. I am just so thankful that God gave me the strength last night to allow them the opportunity to develop confidence and that he helped me to bust the guilt that I was trying to embrace. Good lessons, hard lessons, but good nonetheless.

Struggles Provide Confidence Growing Opportunities

2009-10-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

I remember the day John & I brought each of the children home from the hospital/birth center. Different thoughts and emotions were present with each child. With Isaac, joy, fear, worry, doubt, confusion, and relief that he was finally home, as he was born sick and didn't come home until nearly a month after delivery. With Elisa, I felt excited, nervous, at peace, scared, and impatient to get on to the business of parenting. Each of these experiences fostered responses in me, responses that have molded my parenting technique. One response has gotten me into a bit of trouble. "I will make life easier for my children." WHAT!? I think the pain of life ,often, is so much to bear that we wish it away. We forget how we have grown, matured, been imaginative, loved, learned, and found treasures of friendship and strength that one cannot gain without pain. I've cheated my children out of that experience. I've asked my husband to do the same. He, of course, usually ignores my request, thank God. I heard someone say yesterday that the way you grow confidence in your kids is to allow them to struggle with the things of their life until they succeed at them. So, I put the idea to the test yesterday. I allowed each of my children to do a difficult task. I allowed them to struggle with it until they succeeded. It was difficult for ME! I wanted to move them aside and take over. I wanted to ease the frustration they were experiencing. BUT the thing I found was most prevalent, I wanted to END THE WHINING! Whoa! Maybe my desire to make life easier comes from the desire to make my life easier? I didn't like that realization. They finally succeeded and guess what, they did feel confident. I've known that pain and difficult situations in my life provide an opportunity to grow, I now need to transfer that train of thought over to my parenting.

Day 15 of The 30 Day Sex Challenge

2009-10-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

The 30 Day Challenge...WOW! My heart is so full. I'm not sure how to start this particular post. I've got so much in my heart to share and don't want to overwhelm anyone with it. But I'll just take one thought at a time and see what happens.

So this Saturday the pastor man and his beautiful (both internally & externally) wife covered the topic of sex. I know, in church? They covered this tricky topic and did a good job. It was a bit awkward at times, but it went well. I think the church stays too silent on the topic of sex and what God desires of married couples and FOR married couples. He created sex to be a connection of two hearts and souls and often our society uses it as nothing more than a handshake. How sad is that? But that isn't what I wanted to focus on. However, here is a link to the message if you want to check it out. Be prepared, it's not what you're normally going to hear. Check it out, it's a good series.

The idea of the 30 Day Sex Challenge was a little daunting for me. I love the physical relationship with my husband, but I knew that God was going to do something in my heart and mind during this season. I wasn't sure I wanted to allow Him to do that work. I've avoided it for nearly two decades. I wasn't quite sure what I was avoiding, but I knew I did not want to look at it. I was, terrified of what we would find there. As we move into day 15 of the challenge, I'm glad I have opened my heart to it. I have found ugliness; self hatred, fear, and confusion. But what I have also found truth and in that truth I have found FREEDOM! My heart, during this series, has been for those who have been wounded by the enemy's version of sex. The abuse, the pain, the selfishness, and ultimately the devastation that happens when the enemy takes what God created and twists it for his own purposes. I am a survivor, no a warrior and victor of this version of sex. The details are unimportant to me now, but what is important is that God is continually healing my heart and mind from the bondage's that once kept me hostage. Why am I bringing it up, because I realize there are many who have been wounded deeply in the same way. Many of you find it difficult to enjoy the relationship God has given you in marriage. Many of you find it hard to open your heart to God and to your spouse. Many of you live with the fear that often accompanies these chains. I know I can't change it for you, but I do know someone who can. Even now as I continue with these words, I ask myself, "What do you think you can do about it? This is a blog. What difference will it make?" Maybe none, but maybe, just maybe it will help you. Maybe you will read these words and maybe you know the desire to be free from the pain of it all. Jesus! Maybe you're tired of reliving the memories. Jesus! Maybe you just want it all to finally be over, the pain, the hurt, the mistrust, the anger. Jesus! Jesus, my friend, will answer. He'll be there. I wish I could do more, but maybe this is all I am supposed to do for now. I pray for you and know that God is so powerful and able to do great things in your life. I know He's done great things in mine.

The Winner in My Reality

2009-10-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you start to get bogged down with your reality? Okay maybe that doesn't make sense...let's try it this way.
You're having a great day. It's nice and cool. The wind on your face has hints of winter in it. The smell of cooler weather teases. Summer is almost gone. You can feel it. You feel re-energized. This has been a good day. Then REALITY hits you. Maybe it's an illness, maybe it's a difficult relationship, maybe it's a situation you have been ignoring, no matter what it is...it hits you and steals the joy you felt just seconds ago. You begin to think about the reality of your life and begin to feel weighted down with it. It almost seems unbearable. It's suffocating the joy from your life. What do you do in that moment? Do you have a plan?
As you may have guessed it's been a rough morning, but I'm getting through it and winning the battle. I have made a plan and have a strategy to get through these mornings. I still struggle sometimes, who doesn't? But I remember the days when I lost more than I won and I wondered, do you have those days? Do you lose more than you win? Do you have a plan, a strategy?
I'd like to share mine with you. This morning my son had a seizure...he has epilepsy. His seizures are so infrequent that it is almost easy to forget he has it. And then mornings, like this morning happen and reality hits us. It isn't that I fear for his life, God has promised me that he will be fine. I don't know what that means and I don't know how He will keep that promise, but I know that He never fails on His promises. But I do have a sense of guilt after mornings like the one I had today. "Could I have prevented it? Could I have done something different? Should I have sent him to school afterward? Will he be emotionally scarred? Will he be okay?" I begin to forget that God has it in His control. So what do I do?
1. Remember God's promise and that He is faithful.
2. I listen to some Kirk Franklin fighting music. It changes my mindset from victim to predator. I will not be the victim of my reality, I will be the VICTOR.
3. I share my thoughts with God. Many times if I vocalize them, they don't sound so crazy anymore. OR sometimes I realize how silly my thoughts are and am able to turn them over to God.
4. I find some way to do something for someone else. This gets my focus off of myself and my reality.
5. I remember that my feelings are not reality and work very hard not to make any decisions based on my feelings. Feelings are fleeting and come and go with the wind.
I hope that helps. It's helped me. If you haven't noticed, I'm working steps 3 and 4 with this here blog.
Now, I'm ready to go and take on my day and be the winner in my reality.
GO GOD!

Excuse Me...A 30 Day What Challenge?

2009-10-12T09:23:00.000-07:00

Now that the 10 +10 challenge has come to an end...we're on to another challenge. I know, another one, but I kind of like this one...okay I really like this one. The people of our church have been asked to consider a challenge...a 30 day challenge. There is one for the singles...all the single ladies, all the single ladies...okay let's focus. There is also one for the marrieds. It is a 30 day Sex Challenge. Okay, wait. Before anyone starts guffawing or chafing, hear me out. I'm married, so I will pontificate (it's my new word and I had to use it) from a married perspective. We're on day 8 and it is so much more than sex. It's intimacy on a new level, a God level. It's creating a time to be open to hearing the heart of your spouse. It is opening yourself up to understanding what God says about your marriage. It's also providing a time to be heard and understood, by the person to whom you've committed your life. John and I have always said that DEATH is the only way out of our marriage. It's a great motivator for conflict resolution, since neither one of us has been ready to die for any conflict we've ever had. However, it is my hope that I am the kind of wife that grows and learns and is a proper companion to my husband. I do not want to just bide my time in a loveless marriage where I am not understood, known, or investigated. I want to experience all that marriage has to offer, but in order to do that, I must be willing to put effort into the experience. As I said, we are only on day 8, but already God is doing some much needed healing in my heart. I look forward to where we will stand on day 30. Keep in mind, I am speaking from a woman's perspective on the matter, so if you are a guy and want a man's perspective on this challenge, talk to my husband. But ladies, don't cheat yourself out of the love of a godly man. Consider the challenge. I'm pretty sure you're husband will be open to this challenge. 30 Day Sex Challenge? I don't want to be stereotypical, but what husband is going to turn that down? I'm just saying....

Summary of the 10 +10 Challenge

2009-10-08T09:40:00.001-07:00

The 10 + 10 challenge is over and I have to agree with my pastor, it has changed my life. It has changed my perspectives on things and that is changing my life and how I live it.

Here are just a few of the changed perspectives.

My marriage
~ Old perspective – I'll just pray that John figures out what we're supposed to do
~ New perspective – God show us what it is you're trying to teach us.
My parenting
~ Old perspective – I hope my kids don't embarrass me with their behavior.
~ New perspective – God help us to teach our children about Your love for them, so that they will one day embrace our faith in You as their own.
My friendships
~ Old perspective – How come no one ever notices when I'm having a hard day. No one cares.
~ New perspective – Which one of my friends needs an example of God's love today? God, use me to remind them how much You love them.

I like the changes I am seeing in myself and the environment around me. It's amazing how internally I had begun to think and how my surroundings were suffering because I was not available to help God meet needs. I know I have a long way to go, but I'm glad I'm no longer wasting time contemplating the importance of my navel and aware of the work God has for me to do.

Apathy...My Great Sin

2009-09-22T08:41:00.000-07:00

As I continued in Hosea I start to recognize a trend. The nation of Israel begins to indulge in foreign gods and even the priests turn to drunkenness and sexual sin. It's an "every man for himself" idea that seems to prevail among them. And all I can think is...Why do we do it? We exchange God for a buzz and, excuse my frankness, orgasm. I see it in our society all the time. I've been guilty of it myself. Right now I'm listening to Kirk Franklin, a brother who has had his struggles, but does his best to keep getting up, and it reminds me what it was to be on God's team. Those days when I believed I could take on the enemy and be victorious with my God on my side, or me on His. I took myself out of the game. I saw the need of our world and believed the lie that I couldn't make a difference. The need was too great and I was too small. I've not committed any grand sin, I tell myself, but haven't I? Isn't apathy a dangerous sin to the kingdom of Heaven? I have watched acquaintances struggle beside me and fight all sorts of battles, all the while I have felt nothing and have done nothing. Knowing that Jesus can help and change, I've remained silent. How dare I? I have watched as brothers and sisters in the faith have sustained relentless attacks on their hearts and I have remained silent. How dare I?! I'm not beating myself up, I'm calling myself out on my GRAND SIN! I want Peter 1:22 to become my lifestyle...Love each other with a warm love that comes from the heart...a heart that is hopefully being regenerated by God Himself.

So, my friends, Jesus! Jesus can change your life. Jesus can change your heart. Jesus can take your torn and broken heart and make it whole again. He's done it for me in ways that you can't even imagine. I've not shared my stories for fear, but He has changed my life in amazing ways. If you need Jesus, He's there. I'm here as well to tell you about what He's done in my life. Jesus!

And yet another poem written July 19, 2004

A growing distance grows in the quietness of our ranks
We say little of our needs and holes
We speak only of our accomplishments and failures
Our dreams of changing the world melt into dreams of survival
The gulf between you and I expands as our competition and gossip blind us
I no longer see you as an asset but as one more person I must best
As children we shared secrets and giggled about life
Now we shut each other out and withhold information in order to succeed
I stopped today and look at you and I cried
You looked so lonely and confused, maybe even a little scared
I knew those feelings myself
I wanted to reach out to you and tell you I was here
for some reason I didn't
I wanted to take your hand and tell you you weren't alone
My pride kept me silent
What has happened to us
We say nothing of dreams, hopes, or aspirations
We speak only of chores
We talk and talk and say nothing of who we are or who we hope to be

Hosea?

2009-09-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

I've been asking God about what I should be reading in His Word and Hosea kept repeating in my mind. I don't know if He was telling me to read the book about the prophet who was married to a prostitute, but I read it anyway just to cover my bases. I told my pastor I was going to be doing this and his repsonse was "Why Hosea?" I didn't know why then, but I do know why now.

As I said, Hosea is the book written by a prophet who married a prostitute. It creates a unique image of Israel's relationship with God at the time, but I also think it creates a great picture of any Christian's relationship with God, at least for me this is true.

How often do I allow something else to play the role of redeemer in my life. One definition of redeem is to convert into something of value. I have been guilty of allowing things in my life to give me value. I know I have played the part of a harlot in my relationship with God. I know I've allowed earthly things to sustain me when I should have been turning to God for sustenance. I've explained it away. I've made excuses, but the fact remains...IT IS SIN and I AM GUILTY OF IT. It's not important why I do it, although I'm sure it would make good conversation, but what is important is what steps I now take to make this right. And then it all makes sense. I cannot make it right. There is nothing I can do to make it right. There is only one person, one thing that can make it right. Jesus and His blood can make it right. Nothing in me can fix this. I'm continuing this conversation with my Redeemer, but my initial response is the poem below.

I Hear You're In the Business

I approach a Holy God so aware of who I am
I know I don't deserve what You will freely give
But I hear You're in the business
Of making old hearts new
And the one I have here
Could use some help from You

I've cheated and I've lied and I've stolen and I've deceived
There is nothing I have done of which I'm proud
But I hear You're in the business
Of making old hearts new
And the prideful heart I have here
Could use some help from You

I know I'll fail You again I won't want to but I will
I will fall and fall, but if you help I'll keep getting up
Because I hear You're in the business
Of making old hearts new
And my broken heart here
Will take the help from You

Jesus take this old broken heart and please make it new

The god of satellite is still dead

2009-09-14T22:32:00.000-07:00

It's been 10 days....count 'em 10 days without satellite TV. I have to admit, I was doing okay until day 8 and then, I lost it. I am ashamed to admit it, but I did lose it. I'm amazed how much I depend on TV to help me relax and zone when I'm stressed. Friday I was particularly stressed and all I wanted to do was sit down with the remote control and channel surf. I realize we have plenty of good movies and I enjoy them all, but there are particular shows I enjoyed such as Snapped, Little House on the Prairie, New Detectives, not to mention Psych, Monk, and House. I stood in the middle of my living room and proclaimed in frustration "All I wanna do is watch TV and I'm so mad that I can't and THAT makes me so ashamed of myself! I'm such a baby!" I laugh now, but I was completely serious at the time.
Today, I finished two sets of curtains that I've had been procrastinating on for WAY TOO LONG. I've cleaned out things in my house that I've neglected for months. I've started being more diligent about my promise to learn to read music. I'm doing alot I've been putting off. Isn't it funny, how you learn to adapt when the need arises.
I think it's sad that my biggest accomplishment today, in my mind, was that I didn't complain about the lack of satellite. I didn't miss it, I didn't feel sad about it, I actually didn't even feel the urge to watch. Yeah, I'm pathetic. But at least I've gone through the first step. I was a TV junkie.
SIDEBAR: The kids have had less trouble with our current situation than their dear old mom. What's that all about?

In The Presence Of A Holy God

2009-09-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

Sinful, filthy, ruined
Destroyed beyond repair
I cannot approach a Holy God
I do not even dare
But still He whispers my name
"Child, do not hesitate
I love you, how I love you
I am willing to wait
My work on the cross was complete & final
You do not need to fear
It's all been taken care of
The way between us is clear"
And still He whispers my name
"Child do not hesitate
I love you, how I love you
I am willing to wait

The god of Satellite has Died

2009-09-09T15:11:00.000-07:00

Well, it happened. The funny thing is....I knew it was bound to happen. I just didn't expect it to happen the way that it did. Long story short, the home is now officially without satellite TV. Only the four basic channels now flow through our TV wavelengths. TV watching is something I've always done. And now...it has come to a complete HALT. I am quite ashamed to admit that I am dying a slow death. Yes, the lack of TV is killing me...quite literally. It is killing the lazy, self indulgent, distracted side of me. I kind of had a clue, but I have ignored it. There was this still small voice calling to me..."Spend time with me. I want to hang out with you. Get to know me a little better." NO! It wasn't my husband or kids. It was my Jesus. I no longer can ignore that still small voice. There is no Little House on the Prairie, Dateline TV, or Snapped sounds to drown them out. It's going to be a process I realize, but I can already tell it is going to be uncomfortable. I'm willing to hang touch, for now. I'm willing to see it through. It's interesting though, I've learned a few things about myself.

1. No noise leaves lots of time for listening, reflecting, and processing.
2. The kids are getting more focused and productive attention
3. I don't even turn the TV on now to watch basic channels, what's that all about? It's not like I can't, I just don't.

I Love My Day as a Full Time Mom

2009-08-31T09:44:00.000-07:00

WARNING: THIS IS JUST MY RANTINGS. I AM PROVIDING NO STATISTICS. THESE ARE JUST MY OPINIONS AND IDEAS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO AGREE BUT YOU SHOULD AT LEAST CONSIDER IT BEFORE YOU DEBATE.

I have been a mother for 10 years. It's a long time to learn, grow, develop, sacrifice, and most importantly...love a child or children. I chose to be a full time mom (I'm not a stay at home mom, because I am rarely home) years before I had children. I married a man who supported my decision to be a full time mom and when our children were born, I quit my job and began my new profession. I've often offered to go back to work to help supplement the family income. I did do the part time mom thing for two months. I realized that my kids needed me and I needed to be home with them and quit my job and resumed my full time mom role. Each time since, when I've offered to rejoin the workforce, my husband reminds me how valuable my job is here and asks me to please reconsider. He has been accused of being prideful for not letting me help him earn money. I do not agree with this accusation. We both often wrestle with pride, but in this area I find he is the most giving person I have ever met.
We had been homeschooling, which I enjoyed immensely, but recently were requested (by God) to consider allowing the kids to rejoin the school system. We agreed and find that we have been pleased with our decision. With my days now free of children, I again revisited the idea of working outside of the home. I got to feeling guilty that my husband is working two jobs to provide for us and I'm sitting here at home. I know I frustrate him with this request, but he is so patient and loving. This time he asked me to look up the costs of a chef for dinner, since I wouldn't have time to prepare dinner as I do now. I was also to look up the cost of someone to come in and clean twice a week, do laundry, and child care for after school. These things are important to have to be done and someone will need to do them. If I return to work I will be too tired to do these things and will need help. Once I found the cost of all of these services, I was to total them up and if I could find a job that made $100 more than the costs I could get a job. The total for those services totaled $1700 a month. I now feel like quite a valuable little lady. I had no idea my services were worth that much. And I haven't even listed to services I provide above the basics. I'd also need to get a quote for a therapist, who will help the children process through their days and give them advice on how to handle relationship issues they encounter. I'd also need a therapist for my husband, who will listen to the hardships of his day, help him to process through the decisions that need to be made in the business, and comfort him when the day has been difficult. I'd also need to price out someone who can hold him and hug him and tell him that everything is going to be alright, and to remind him that he is a great man and a hero. If I'm working a full time job, I'm going to be too wiped to provide these services, don't you think?
I love being a full time mom. I am valuable. My role is important. Sure, I'm sitting here now blogging, but I'm also preparing myself for 2p when the kids get into the car. I'm doing the laundry that needs to be done so they can have clean clothes. I am preparing fruit and making popcorn for their lunches. I am planning out the dinner menu. I am spending time with God to refuel myself, so I can be prepared to be the best mother and wife these precious people can possibly have.
I love my day. I love creating an environment for my family to come home to that is peaceful and warm. Everyone needs a place in this world where they can go and hide from the harshness of the world. Everyone needs a place to go where it's all about them if only for a few minutes. We work together to keep it that place, but at this time, my role is the biggest. I finally get what my husband was trying to show me. I am an important part of the nurturing the kids will receive during their childhood. And today I embrace that role. I am not merely a stay at home mom, I am a FULL TIME MOTHER! It is my career. It is my profession and I take pride in my career and profession. It fulfills something primal inside of me. I satisfies a taboo instinct within me that the feminists of this world would have me beat out. I am a woman and I am full.

Family Bible Study

2009-08-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

Last night we did our first Bible study with the kids. We've been praying about how to write God's name on their hearts, and how to plant the seed of Jesus and His love in them, and we found some material we are excited about using with them. Can I just say, the questions they asked us were amazing. I had no idea they were so aware of God and that they had so many questions about Him. I'm sure we'll struggle to keep it going, but we are so committed to making it a priority.

Assessment Pt. 2

2009-08-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

God took me seriously 28 years ago. I've said that before. What I haven't realized before is that I have been viciously attacked for the past 28 years by an unseen enemy who would have me taken out of the battle before it even began. I know that I've been redeemed, justified by the blood of Jesus and His work on the cross. What I hadn't realized is that there is a part two to the process. Regeneration. Mark Driscoll refers to Justification as the work that Jesus did on the cross for us, and Regeneration as the work the Holy Spirit does in us. To hear him talk on that more click here.
I don't think I've ever gone through this process. I've been trying to survive for the past 28 years. I've not even given thought to heaving a regenerated heart. So, my journey to regain my Feral Christianity continues. I'm both excited and frightened. Pride will have to die in order for me to let my heart be regenerated. I've been trying to prove I'm God's kids with my acts of service and goodness, which is ridiculous. I'm already God's kid. Imagine that. I'm not saying the past 28 years are a waste, but I do believe I made it a little harder on myself than it needed to be. I've been trying to be good with a nasty heart. What I should have been working for is letting God get rid of my nasty heart. That sounds so simple, but something tells me, it's going to be harder than it appears.

Assestment of the 10 + 10 Challenge Pt. 1

2009-08-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

Like most things, I took the 10+10 challenge with naive enthusiasm. "I'm going to do it and God's going to change my life. Yes!" Be careful what you ask for, right? God's been messing with my life in ways I wasn't prepared for. Here's just one story.

I met Jesus when I was 6 years old. My life was already a little complicated at such a tender age. I met Him at church and the woman told me a story using a little book with no words and pages full of color.
Black ~ The color of my heart full of sin. At six I knew I did have such a heart.
Orange ~ The color of the fires of Hell, the place you must go to when you choose not to have a relationship with God.
Red ~ The color of the blood that was shed when Jesus died on the cross for my black little heart. I wanted the blackness of my heart to be gone so desperately.
White ~ The color of my heart after it has been washed in the blood of Jesus. I spent a lot of time in the dirt so this was an understandable concept for me.
Gold ~ The color of the place I get to go after my heart is washed. I wasn't too concerned with where I would go when I died, because I was only six, I had a lot of time left.
Blue ~ The color of the waters of baptism. I didn't quite get this part but I like the color blue, and I liked the water. So baptism couldn't be all that bad.
Purple ~ The color of royalty, what I would become as a result of my white heart. As a fatherless child, this held incredible appeal. I not only got a daddy, but I got a daddy who was a king!
Green ~ The color that represented the growth and maturity that would take place over the next years.

I admit, it sounds so simple, but it is what I remember as my salvation experience. That was 28 years ago. I didn't walk away from God. I didn't spend much time building my testimony. But I did spend many years sitting still in the bondage of fear.

10 + 10 Challenge Day 2

2009-08-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

Today my attention was drawn to the story of John the Baptist meets Jesus. It's not a big story, and not a lot is really said with words. I was asked to look a little closer, I have to assume God's finger was pointing it out. Again, I'm not that clever on my own.

So, John just finishes calling the Pharisees on the carpet. "You guys are like rats on a drowning ship." Not exactly what he said, but you get the idea. He's pretty much telling them that if they're looking for the next "How To Get Holy With Three Simple Steps" they're looking in the wrong place. John's mission with baptism was not to make people holy with the water from the river, he was symbolizing the washing that would take place in their hearts and minds. That's a whole different post, but it's worth some thought. So I'm going to move over that for now. Jesus comes through and is ready to be baptized.

I suddenly appreciate the implications of what Jesus is doing. In essence, He is submitting to the authority God has given John the Baptist. I do martial arts. Whenever I see my Sah Bom Nims (masters) I am required to bow and greet them in Korean "Ahn youn ha se oh, TANG SOO!" The Tang Soo should be said with spirit and strength. This is to happen no matter where I am. The first thing I do when I enter the school is, I bow and greet. If I'm at Starbucks and Sah Bom Nim walks in, I bow and greet. If I'm in church and they visit, I bow and greet. I show respect to the years they have dedicated to the art, and the respect I feel for their efforts on my part. So, Jesus coming to be baptized by John is like my Sah Bom Nims coming to me and bowing and greeting me, and asking me to teach them a class. John's repsonse is what I imagine mine would be...I'm not qualified, I'm not even qualified to teach you to stretch, please let me learn something from you."

Jesus was the son of God. He could have just walked up to the scene and informed John that He was going to take over. "Thanks for getting them started." But He restrains Himself and shows respect to what God is doing there and endorses it with His act of humility. What a lesson for my proud heart. Sometimes, I know that I'm right. Sometimes, I know that my way is the way. And I speak out of turn, out of place, with disrespect and disregard. How can God be in that? He can't. I can learn to be humble as my Jesus was humble. He did not exercise His authority over people and strong arm people into doing things His way. He waited and listened and acted, only when God released Him to act and THAT is why He is still changing the world. It sounds so easy, but it will be a lesson I struggle to learn until the day I die.

10 + 10 Challenge

2009-08-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

10 minutes of Reading
Today I read in Matthew, as suggested. I didn't speed through the begats and found it cool that 5 women made it into the Who Begat Who list. Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, and Mary. Isn't it funny that four of the five women begat sons from their second marriages AND that ALL of the women had a slightly scandelous history? I thought that was really fascinating. But the question that formed in my mind today had nothing to do with the scandelous women and Mary...or maybe it did.

Jospeh, I noticed, was faced with a choice right off the bat. He would either have to believe that Mary carried the child of God, or not. He was a good man, he had a good reputation. Mary in her condition, would ruin that repuation. Believing in God would mess up what he had spent his past working for. If he chose not to believe Mary is carrying God's son, his future is in jeopardy. Choosing not to believe God puts his future at risk. Believe- sacrifice the past. Not Believe - sacrifice the future. WOW! These five women did have something in common with Joesph after all.

10 Minutes of Praying/Listening
So I listened for a while and I was reminded of Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart., do not depend on your own understanding. The verse sparked a train of thought that I want to believe was God poling around in my heart, because I don't think I would have been this clever on my own. I want to believe like this. I want to trust in the Lord with all my heart, but what would that look like. How would my life change if I trusted in the Lord with all my heart? What would my life look like? It's the thought I am mulling over in my mind and heart today. Let me know if you find any answers, I'm interested to hear them.

Mothers Encouragement

2009-07-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

I've been going through old video footage of my family. There were unlabeled cassettes and I wanted to know what was on them, so the organizer in me took over and now all the cassettes are identified and labeled. It was crazy to watch my children as infants. They were so small and helpless. They were such a mystery. Who were they? What were they like? What did they enjoy? What would they grow into? And then they grew to toddlers, the first steps, words, EVERYTHING! I watched and savored the moments. I have remembered being impatient, frustrated, and distant, but as I watched those videos I realized, I wasn't those things. There were moments of impatience and frustration. There were moments I distanced myself for the sake of peace and safety. But as I listened to myself talking to the children, I realized there were some good moments in there as well. There were moments of peace and patience, and complete joy. It wasn't ALL bad.
Let's face it, being a stay at home mom is a rough job. It's easy to feel isolated, alone, and completely inept. The most difficult part for me has been the investigation that takes place from the day they are born. If you didn't already know, kids are packages that unfold over the years. We struggle to figure out what they are trying to communicate with us. We struggle to figure out what they want. We struggle to figure out what they like, although it's usually pretty easy to figure out what they don't like. I do this so that I can know how to best meet their needs. But it's tiring, and some days there are no 15 minute breaks, unless they still take naps. Even then there are things to be done, that at the time seem like they can't wait. Lunch time is more like running an obstacle course while trying to eat. HOWEVER, it's worth the effort to do the investigation. My kids are now 8 and 10 and they are so wonderfully interesting. They are so cool. I enjoy getting to know them and what makes them tick.
So if you...are feeling like they are going crazy; are covered in throw up; haven't taken a shower before noon in months; haven't sat down to eat a meal in who knows how long; wonder if you are going to survive; think no on notices the effort you are making; worry about your kids, please let me encourage you. Hang in there! This too shall pass. You're changing the world with every diaper change, every sippy cup refill, every kiss for every booboo, and every hug and kiss.

What is A Right

2009-07-23T08:50:00.001-07:00

I usually keep my opinions to myself regarding politics. I have too many friends on both sides of the aisle to wander into these conversations lightly. So please understand right up front that I'm not commenting on politics now, I'm merely posing a question.
My husband asked me yesterday, "What is a right? What do you believe you have a right to?" It's a good question. What do I have a right to? Do I have a right to a job? Do I have a right to healthcare? Do I have a right to life? Do I have a right to a gun?
As I thought about his question, I realized that if you understand what you really have a right to, you will change the way you behave and make choices. Any thoughts any of you might have would be interesting to hear.

Wisdom is Shouting In The Streets

2009-07-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

I read Proverbs 1 today and was struck by verse 20 - 21.

Lady Wisdom goes out in the street and shouts.
At the town center she makes her speech.
In the middle of the traffic she takes her stand.
At the busiest corner she calls out:
Provers 1:20-21 (Msg.)

I guess I always thought Lady wisdom was something I needed to search for, pursue, seek, investigate. It almost seems as though wisdom is seeking me according to this verse. It seems wisdom is calling out to anyone who will listen. Of course, I'll hear the argument that this is from the Message and I may be taking it out of context, but the NIV says it the same way. Wisdom stands in the streets calling aloud, raising her voice. It just struck me as funny that all this time I've been looking for wisdom and I find out that wisdom has been looking for me too. My prayer today is that we finally meet each other and unite forces.
Our church, Revolution, has been going through a series by Dave Ramsey on financial issues. Click here to listen. I like to think we are finally educating ourselves. The things he has to say on money are true and his presentation is practical and witty. Check him out and form your own opinion. Our response to his message is that we are endeavoring to get out of debt. We are deciding to become gazelle like in our pursuit of financial freedom. Wisdom will help this pursuit. I will be listening for her today.

Do I Make Him Proud?

2009-07-16T00:12:00.000-07:00

It's funny how so many people have so many definitions of the same word. I once called myself a Christian, but I've seen others claim the same lifestyle and behave so differently than we do. It makes me a little sad. I have to ask myself continually, how am I representing Christ? Would I make Him proud? Would He stand next to me and allow me to call myself His follower? Everything I do, I think about. It's a little obsessive, but I want to make Him proud. Just some thoughts for the day.

Laziness & Complacency

2009-07-06T22:36:00.000-07:00

Life has been tough the past two years. I realized last week that we faced many challenges. Challenges I've just now had the opportunity to process. I shared in FoodaholicsAnon(My blog on My Weight Loss Journey) that I've been feeling terribly lazy and complacent. I was getting ready to beat myself up when I decided that would be stupid. It has been difficult. I've faced so many intense emotions and it's normal to go somewhere with those emotions. I went into hiding. I think Tang Soo helped to give me just enough fight to not quit, and there were many times I wanted to quit. So, I'm coming out of hiding and rejoining civilization. Life is short and wasted in fear, laziness, and complacency.

As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do. ~Zachary Scott
Laziness brings on a deep sleep, and the shiftless man goes hungry. ~Proverbs 19:15

My name Is Angie and I'm a Foodaholic

2009-07-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

I've started a different blog. It might be interesting, it might not. It's something I'm doing for myself, but if you find it helpful....awesome! Click here if you are interested. I'll keep posting here, but on the normal topics.

God Was Faithful

2009-06-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

I've recently heard from people I knew almost twenty years ago. It's strange to see once familiar faces of my youth in the now grown faces of strangers. Anyone who knows me knows these happenings have jogged my brain into a frenzy of activity. I moved to Tucson when I married and I left behind the girl I was in Phoenix. I found it strange and terrifying to be in a new place where no one knew my name. I was merely "The Beav's Wife". I spent the last fourteen years of my life reinventing who I am, but had almost forgotten who I once was. I know this may sound trite, but to me it has reminded me of how amazing the love of God truly is. My story is one full of so many mini stories and there is no time to go into them now, but the common thread runs through every event of my life: God was there and He was so faithful.

The Illusion of Mirrors

2009-06-08T21:21:00.001-07:00

I've got this mirror in my hallway. I initially hung the mirror so we'd have a place to check our outfits before leaving the house. The only full length mirror we had until then was the mirror that hung on the door in the master bathroom. It was not accessible or convenient. But that was more information that I initially intended to supply. Back to the point. This mirror was hung with less that permanent adhesive. Why? I don't know. As a result the middle of the mirror comes free and creates an unflattering illusion. I spent almost two months walking down the hall looking down the mirror and hating myself. It makes me look FAT! I've gained some weight, but this mirror makes me look like my middle is retaining an ocean. I was putting towels away and realized the problem. I pushed the mirror back into the adhesive and took a step back. A miracle happened. I didn't look AS big as the mirror had suggested. I spent the rest of the day laughing at myself. It was at the end of the day that I learned a lesson. The mirror of my life is sometimes askew. If I don't adjust it from time to time I'll get a false image. Staying plugged into God will help me adjust.

Sidebar – I was relating this story to my mom and she laughed. She said, "I've always hated that mirror, but I'm glad you learned something for it."

Down Time

2009-05-31T15:21:00.000-07:00

We were blessed enough to spend time in La Jolla this week. It was a little taxing, we were chaperones, but it was mostly relaxing. My favorite part was the time I got to spend with John. It's amazing how much we needed that time together. We knew we needed that time, but we didn't realize how much we needed it. We got to visit Disneyland, the beach, and Scripps Aquarium. The picture is from the aquarium. It never ceases to amaze me how awesome God is in His creation of sea life. I am in awe of it.

Time Out

2009-05-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

I'm heading off to La Jolla tomorrow and I'm totally excited. We've had a rough year and I'm really looking forward to some time away from reality. I hope I get it, if not, I'll deal. I always do. I've got such a great support system, it's hard to feel sorry for myself. It almost seems wrong to pout when I have so much love.

Isaac

2009-05-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been 10 years since this wonderful little, strike that, almost taller than me person entered the world and changed my life. I remember holding him for the first time. He was crying and when I called his name he stopped crying and looked at me. I also remember how he was whisked away and taken to the nursery. I remember how I felt when they told me he was struggling and needed to go the the NICU. I remember seeing him in his incubator and how I couldn't hold him. I remember leaving the hospital without him. I remember visiting him. I remember his surgery. I remember how they told me all of the challenges he would face as a result of his beginning. He may not walk well, he may not talk clearly, he may not learn very well, a long list of things he might not be able to do. I remember praying and crying. I remember John's determination. We'll believe he can do until God tells us he can't.
As I watched him run around today, carrying on crazy conversation with his friend and sister, laughing, giggling, enjoying life I understand, once again, that God gave me a special miracle 10 years ago. Dont' get me wrong, both of my kids are miracles to me, but Isaac's arrival was different. I always let people tell me what was possible, I didn't like it, I fought against it, but I accepted it. God changed that with Isaac. I have had to be his advocate every step of the way. My son, Isaac, my laughter, my joy. God has proved to me that one person can decide what the future will hold. Isaac was determined to talk, he was determined to talk, he is determined to be a train engineer, he is determined to be a source of laughter. He is determined.
God has changed my life with his birth. I have found my faith in God, my confidence as a woman, and my joy in life, as I grow as a mother. His beginning was filled with fear and pain and doubt, but I think it is only an act of God that today, 10 years later, I watch him and I am filled with hope, pride, confidence, faith, and joy.

Jehovah-jireh

2009-05-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

As I was growing up, we were always doing some sort of study either with our school or church. They usually had something to do with the tabernacle and the days of the Israelites during their 40 years of wandering in the desert. I remember doing one that studied the Hebrew names of God.
Random sidebar - my husband has taken a second job to help supplement our income. It isn't as much money as he would wish, but as he says, some money is better than no money. I both admire and respect his desire to provide for our family at such sacrificing extremes. It has been a huge adjustment to our family with regards to our schedule and time together. I find we are fighting ferociously to keep the time we spend together, as a unit, in tact.
Okay so as I was preparing laundry this morning and praying over my family, my husband in particular a song we used to sing in this class came to my mind. Usually the teacher would find a song that went with the name we were studying to reinforce the memory.

Jehovah-jireh, my provider, His grace is sufficient for me
My God shall supply all my needs, according to His riches in glory
He will give His angels charge over me
Jehovah-jireh cares for me.

I'm sure you'll think it's a strange thing to be remembering, but I really believe those things we learn as children stay with us throughout our lives, whether we want them to or not. My God shall supply for all my needs. He supplied for the need of encouragement today and will supply any other need I will have today. He is so good and so faithful. I am both renewed in my commitment to press on into this new season God has us in, and to continue inscribing God onto the hearts of our children. I want God to be able to use those things we teach them to encourage them when they are facing a difficult time.

Jehovah-jireh - "Jehovah will see it," or "Jehovah will provide," or "Jehovah will be seen." The first time this name was used for God was in Genesis. Abraham used it to celebrate God's provision of a ram to replace Isaac on the altar.
I believe the study we did was by C.H. Spurgeon.

2009-05-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

The blog has been silent. It's on purpose. There's so much going on and I am a transparent writer. I'm not good at being vague. I try, but it's fake and I have worked hard not to be fake. Life is harder than I thought it was going to be. I thought the hardest things in my life all took place in my childhood. I couldn't have been more wrong. Childhood was hard, but I think the parenting thing has been harder still. To love little hearts that don't completely understand is difficult. To teach little souls the importance of character and integrity feels near impossible at times. I know what my hubby and I are doing is important. We know we are valuable in these hearts. I just wish sometimes, I wasn't. Then the mistakes I make, the things I screw up wouldn't haunt me so. I'm not sitting under a dark cloud feeling sorry for my self. I realize it may come across that way. I just feel the weight of the importance of our responsibility. It's hard. It's a sacrifice. It's a donation of myself and I realize that my husband and I are the only ones who truly understand how much we give. It's a lonely feeling sometimes. Our prayer is that God will bless what we do. That He will bless our efforts and cover our mistakes with His pure, complete, and life-changing love.

The Power To Be or Not To Be

2009-04-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

This week has been a relaxing week for the family. It has been week of learning, and a week of contemplation. This is passion week and I always turn my thoughts to the sacrifice made on our behalf. I think the thing that is most amazing to me is that Jesus could have stopped it at any time. The things I got through sometimes, I wish I could put an end to. Sometimes I can't stop those situations from happening and so I endure. How much would things change if I knew I could end my suffering? How much would things change if I had to choice to make? These are just thoughts running around in my head this morning.

Divine Romance

2009-04-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me how much Christ suffered on my behalf and how little I have been willing to suffer in His name. He was beated, rejected by those He loved, accused, betrayed, and hated. I get my feelings hurt if someone picks on me or looks at me the wrong way.
What if, we are doing it wrong. Matthew16:24 says we are to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Him. I don't want to submit myself to rejection, betrayal and hurt, I don't want to carry the burden of responsibility, I don't want to walk the road before me. I see that it is the right thing to do, I see that it is most likely God's Will, but I don't want to do it.
I recall the crucifixion and realize, Jesus didn't want to do any of the things He chose to do. He did them for me. He asks me to do these things for Him. I now have the choice. I must decide whether or not I will be a party to the Divine Romance.

My Thoughts After Processing the Face Off Debate

2009-03-29T22:05:00.000-07:00

I believe in God. I believe in angels and dark forces. I believe there is an enemy who wants to take me out because I am a child of God. I believe he wants to do this to get back at God. I know everyone has their ideas about what good and evil is and I have heard lots of those ideas. But for me, what it boils down to is this....God is good and if God is good, satan is evil. Who's side do you think I'm going to choose. Life choosing God has been the most painful, heart-wrenching, sacrificing experience of my life. But I still choose God, because there is a God and there is a devil, and he will use any opportunity to take me out and render my useless. He will use any opportunity to steal, kill, and destroy all the God has prepared for me. I choose God.

Face Off

2009-03-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching the ABC Nightline Face Off with panelists Deepak Chopra, Carlton Pearson, Annie Lobert, and Mark Driscoll. >Is there a Satan and how does he play into the Christian faith.Of course, Chopra believes there is no devil but I was surprised to find that Bishop Pearson has changed his belief on this idea.He believes we create any demon or any hell we go through.He believes there is no Satan just what we do to ourselves and how we punish ourselves, if I understand him correctly.

Now, I watched Bishop Pearson’s teaching as a youth and really liked what he had to say. He was all for fighting against the satanic and demonic and claiming the victory in Christ. I may need to go back and figure out what his ideas were as I was very young and impressionable at the time. However, as I watched him in the Face Off, I felt a sense of disappointment and found myself asking two questions: How can a man, who so firmly believed in one idea, be having such a great crisis of faith? What hope do we have as people who are not considered mighty warriors of the faith? I have so much more to say but I have to finish processing what I have just heard. What are the thoughts of those who might be reading my response to this discussion? What are your thoughts on Satan, Demons, and Hell?

Heavy Sigh

2009-03-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

Oh the life of a stay at home mom. I don't know a whole lot of people with kids my age so I've often found myself feeling a little like a pioneer as far as the parenting thing. It's not a bad thing, but when you are trying to raise kids to no conform to the society around them it's not easy. Today is just one of those days. You know, when you wake up and feel like you can take on the world only to find out that you no longer live on Earth...you now live on Mars. I suppose it's time to learn all I can about Martians.

Prayer...It Does A Spirit Good

2009-03-05T08:20:00.001-08:00

Okay so it's no secret that our business has been slow and money is scarce, but despite all that we are holding on the the knowledge that God is in control and is able to meet all of our needs. So, we've been praying a lot lately as things get a little hectic and asking God to help us trust in Him and His ability to provide for even the smallest details. Here was His answer.

Someone was praying for our family yesterday. Someone, who knows our situation, lifted our family up in prayer. Someone else, responded to that prayer at God's bidding, and helped to meet a great need we have. The particulars of the need isn't important. The fact that God spoke to that person, and that person was obedient is important. In addition, another door was opened and some of the details we've been concerned about were met. I am blown away. Just when you start to wonder how God is going to come through and just when you start to lose hope, things like this happen. I usually prefer to be on the other end of this story, but I understand how important it is for me to be on this end. It's important for me to know that an act of obedience can change a life, and it's important for me to share this with you.

Now to get on my soap box
If God has put it on your heart to do something....DO IT! Look how greatly this person has touched our hearts. They have no idea what they have set into motion. Their obedience has inspired us to keep plowing ahead. Their obedience to God has sparked in us the hope that God's people are alive and well. Their obedience has sparked in us the realization that God is watching our life and is concerned about the details that we spend so much time worrying about. As I write, I am receiving phone calls from my husband telling me that details I have been handing over to God and trying not to stress about are being taken care of by people who are watching and acting. Your act, could be an answer to prayer. Do no underestimate your act of obedience. This act of obedience has set into motion a chain of events that will change our lives and the life of one young man who the world tried to throw away. Don't you want to be a part of something like that? I do.

A Glimpse of Eternity

2009-03-03T08:47:00.001-08:00

It's a funny thing to me, this serving God thing. I've always found that when I get weary in life and find myself on the brink of quitting, I remind God that I'm here and that I could really use a reason to not jump. He has always been faithful. He shows me a glimpse of eternity in those I serve whether it be a kind word, a realization they have come to, or just the sight of God growing in their hearts. It's enough to keep me going. It's enough to give me the courage to hold my sword and shield up a little longer. I also find it funny that the next morning that same person will nearly miss a ride to school and forget to take out the trash because the snooze bar was attacked too many times. No worries, I know God is growing there and isn't that really what it's all about, planting a seed and knowing it is taking root?

Daily Quote

2009-03-02T11:25:00.001-08:00

Dressed For War With No Where To Go

2009-03-01T15:26:00.000-08:00

Today I want to write about something important, something meaningful. I feel as though I am alive and awake and aware of the ongoing assault on our human spirits and find myself desiring to fight back against the unseen enemy. Even as I type I find I hesitate. I hesitate to speak of unseen enemies. I hesitate to speak of unseen things that are at work. As I have these thoughts I remember the words of the Usual Suspects Verbal, The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. Do we as Christians believe this unseen enemy exists? Is our lack of belief what has us in our current state? The Christians I watch are either too busy fighting amongst themselves, trying to keep their heads above water, or content in the comfort of their pews. When do we begin to put on the armor of God that Paul speaks of in Ephesians? I suppose I am growing weary of religiosity and we good people who stand by and do nothing about it. I am growing weary of seeing so many people in need of God and doing nothing. I am growing weary of those who hurt and weep for a lack of God and doing nothing. I am growing weary of having the desire to take on the unseen enemy and doing nothing. I have spent my whole life preparing for spiritual warfare...now what?

Who Am I

2009-02-23T14:33:00.001-08:00

I have these moments in life where I ask myself...who are you? I perceive myself as an introvert who wishes to avoid challenge and new experiences. And yet, I look at my life and realize... these are not the actions of one who avoids challenges. I'm taking on new challenges, pushing myself to limits, and exploring the world that is outside of my comfort zone. I'm doing new things at 34 that I never would have thought of doing in my 20's. So again I ask the question, who are you and what have you do with.....me?

Weighing In

2009-02-16T13:13:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm healthy again...almost...it's time to get get back into shape.
Even now I am formulating excuses as to my lack of discipline and many of them are good, but none of them help me to do what I need to do now. I figure if I put it out here, I'll follow through with my plans. I'm very much about how I am seen. I try not to play into this very often, but I think it might help me accomplish what I'm trying to do. So, here we go. Back to the treadmill.

To Those Mothers

2009-02-10T16:58:00.000-08:00

To those mothers who have screaming children today
To those mothers who cried of sheer exhaustion
To those mothers who didn't get a shower today
To those mothers who can't remember her social security number let alone her birthdate
To those mothers who nursed a fussy baby today
To those mothers who ate her childrens lunch leftovers
To those mothers who watched yet another episode of the Wiggles today
To those mothers who know every word of every Dora song
To those mothers who carried a child within her womb today
To those mothers who carried a child in her arms
To those mothers who worried about her child today
To those mothers who worry everyday
To those mothers who celebrated a child's milestone today
To those mothers who celebrated a naptime
To those mothers who I stand shoulder to shoulder with....we are changing the world.

I found this picture today, and I remember thinking "When will the insanity be over?"
It isn't over yet, but time is passing too fast now. I used to call my mother during those stressed moments and she would always answer "This too shall pass." She was right. But secretly, sometimes I wish for those days.

What is the World Should We Do?

2009-02-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

As my hubby and I change our perspective from protecting our kids from the world to educating them about what our role as followers of Christ are in this world we find ourselves doing things slightly different. The other day we went to a gym to watch our 9 year old play basketball. Afterward we made a pit stop at the locker rooms to use the porcelain seats (it was my husbands suggestion). Now if anyone knows kids you know that girls, in particular, will use any excuse to check out a new restroom. My daughter is no different. HOWEVER, anyone who has been in a locker room knows not everyone adheres to the same dress code or code of modesty that I do. So my little lady was exposed to some very mature anatomy that I had hoped to postpone. I laugh now as I envision my self trying to keep from covering her eyes, scream with disapproval, and hurry us both out of there as fast as possible. It must have been a sight. However in true form, we tried to walk out with some normalcy and decorum, that is until the sweet girl dropped her toys on the ground. The decorum was lost, I screamed at her to hurry up and pick up her toys, and pushed her out of the bathroom. As we emerged I shot my wonderful hubby a look of sheer anger. Of course he was confused as I scooted us all up the stairs and out of the door. I blamed him for the ordeal (it was his suggestion after all) and tried to get to our vehicle as fast as possible. I was halfway there when I heard a small voice from within say, "Time to educate her about her world and her role."
"GOD! You don't play fair!"
I slowed down and let my little girl catch up with me. Her head was down and she was very quiet.
"Are you okay?" my tone had changed to the more loving and caring voice I prefer to hear from myself.
"Yeah." she muttered quietly.
"Are you embarrassed by what you saw?" I asked her with a giggle.
"Yeah." she giggled back to me. "Why wasn't she wearing any clothes? Didn't she know we all could see her?"
As we continued to the car I explained to her that everyone has a different level of modesty, and some don't feel there is anything wrong with people seeing their bodies. I let her know I was a little embarrassed as well, but that no one had done anything wrong, it was just our reaction to a new experience. She asked a couple more questions and finished with "Can we go eat now?" and I knew we were done.
I so wanted to protect her from that...or at least delay it a little longer. But I realize, she had that experience with me and we were able to talk about it, laugh about it, and grow as mother and daughter. I can tell this is going to be a fun adventure, but it will require me to look at my world with different eyes.

**I don't look down on anyone who shares this woman's modesty level or judge in any way. But when you and your kids see a naked body together for the first time you'll understand what I must have gone through that morning.**

Protecting

2009-02-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

Did you know that there is only one reference to protection in the Bible. Strong's concordance finds only one scripture on protection. But there are lots of verses on teaching, instructing, and passing faith down to them. Just an interesting fact I'm finding. I've always believed that it's my job to protect them from the world. The older they grow it becomes nearly impossible to do this. But as I seek God's face regarding my mothering, I find that maybe my job is not to protect, but to instruct, teach, and pass faith. This job is still difficult, but I can do it, with God's help, I can do it.

Is It Scriptural To Protect Your Children?

2009-02-04T08:14:00.001-08:00

Okay so I've been having discussions with those closest to me about a highly important aspect of my life. Is it biblical or scriptural to protect your children from the world. I'm going to be searching the Word to find my answer but if anyone has any opinions on this topic I would greatly appreciate it.
I'm finding lots of information on how to train the children, how to pass my faith down to them, but where is the Scripture about protecting them?
Just more thoughts from the curious mind of Angie.

To Light or Not To Light

2009-02-03T08:53:00.000-08:00

Matthew 5:14 - 16
“You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father. (NLT)

What I would like to know is this: What am I doing right now to put my light under a basket? What am I doing to place my lamp on a stand where it gives light to everyone in the house? How am I letting my good deeds shine for all to see, so that everyone will praise My heavenly Father? The sad truth is: my light is under a basket right now? I prefer to keep it there. It is safe and secure. I know where to find it. I know it won't be blown out if it is under a basket. No one can touch it. No one can criticize it. No one can comment on whether it is an effective light or not. But the reality of that truth is that the longer you keep a light under a basket the more you increase the risk of it suffocating and going out. Your light will extinguish for lack of air. My family is my light. God has asked us to move our family out of a comfortable, Christian environment into a more public venue. God has asked us to put ourselves in places where we will encounter more unchurched people than churched people. I would prefer to stay in the safety of my comfort zone. However, isn't that putting my light under a basket? If God has asked me to move out in faith and I choose to disobey, I am sinning.
It's easy to do good deeds for those who share your faith but what does it prove about how powerful God is if I choose to do those same good deeds for those who will not understand what I do?

Religious No More...Relevance Please

2009-02-02T08:11:00.000-08:00

I've been a Christian for most of my life. I gave my heart to Jesus when I was 6 years old. I think it was a serious decision, because my whole life I have pursued the Godly life. It has not bee a popular life I have led, nor has it been the easy life, but I do have to say that I have had a blessed life. It's a life full of mistakes and failures, but it has also been a life full of love and blessings.
I find myself again searching for the Godly path. Being a Christian these days seems to be a bit confusing to me and I have begun asking some questions that I am sure will again put me on the wrong side of the line; but I really think these questions need to be asked of us as followers of God.
Am I relevant in my world today? The word relevant means having significant and demonstrable bearing on the matter at hand...what are the matters at hand in my life?
The past year has been full of the people I love making imperfect decisions, being imperfect people, and doing imperfect things. It has been full of news of illness, pain, and parasites (I HAVE to laugh about that). This year I have realized that life will not go how I planned it to go no matter what I try to do to control it. So what is the matter at hand in my life? How will we respond when life doesn't go the way we planned it to go? Following my rules, adhering to my guidelines, shutting out those who are imperfect, and reasoning that those who suffer do so because of their sin, doesn't seem to be relevant. It has no significant or demonstrable bearing on the matters at hand. This isn't the way Jesus lived His life.
I set out to find out how my Christianity would change if I took it outside of the neatly arranged box I had it in with this blog. It has taken me a year and a half to work up the nerve to pull God out of the box. What follows in the next few posts will make no sense to the religious, but I hope it makes the religious think about how they limit God. I, personally, am ready to explore the God of the Bible; the maker of heaven and earth, the God who parted the Red Sea, the God who made the earth stand still while Joshua fought Israelite enemies, the God who consumed Elijah's drenched offering by fire, the God who would send his only son to suffer and die on the cross for my sin, the God who would raise him from the dead, the God who wants to have a personal relationship with me and you, the God who would never impose on my free will to make that choice. I want to be a follower of THAT God.

Procedures, Anniversaries, & Sushi

2009-01-28T16:48:00.000-08:00

So I'm sure everyone wants to hear about my day, but I thought it was pretty funny. Yesterday was my thirteen anniversary...yeah for us. It has been thirteen great years. They have been some of the hardest years of my life, because I have been required to become less selfish and to become more giving. It's a good process and I am thankful for it. But to mark my thirteen anniversary, I had a procedure done. If you really want to know go ahead and ask. Let's just say I didn't get to eat for more than 24 hours. That's torture enough for me. My reward would be sushi so I endured.

Mistake #4 - Living The Uptight Life

2009-01-08T14:43:00.000-08:00

It's easy to get caught up in the craziness of this life. This year I realized that time goes by so fast. I look back over the year and wish I had slowed down a little more, worried less, stopped to enjoy the sunset, soak up life and it's happenings rather than trying to beat the clock to the next event. So much was done in a hurry that I forgot to notice how my kids are growing so quickly.
There's no reason to elaborate on this topic. You know what I'm trying to say. I'll just tell you how I'm trying to remedy this problem.

1. Laugh at least once a day.
2. Dance instead of letting your temper get the best of you, doing it alone will encourage you to get into it.
3. Smell the roses - no literally I smell the roses on trips to costco. This is my routine with my girl. We stop and smell the roses.
4. Play a game with someone. We have kids so they get involved, but it's a fun way to pass the time.
5. Do a puzzle.
6. Let your kid read a book to you. It is a slow process but it's so cool to watch them get into the book.

Those are just a few we're trying here, but slow down and do let yourself get to uptight about things you won't remember next year when the ball drops.
Okay side bar, was anyone else both sad and admiring of Dick Clark's brave effort to do one last New Year's Eve show? Ahhhh....that's courage.

MIstake #3 - Hiding my True Self

2009-01-07T10:03:00.000-08:00

So I'm always complaining that no one knows me. I realized there are perceptions about me and believe it or not some of those perceptions are wrong. I was complaining this year to my wonderful hubby about how frustrated I was about those errors and he lovingly pointed out that "when you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of people they are left to come up with their own perceptions". I'm sure I gave a hurt look or agitated comment, but later gave thought to his comment. I've mentioned my hesitation with allowing people too close for fear of hurt before, but what I didn't realize is that you need a big wall around your heart to accomplish the task of keeping people out. That wall creates a barrier between you and the outside world. That wall makes it possible for people to misperceive me. They have no other information to work with.

I remember the first time I cried in front of someone this year, they looked floored. I couldn't understand their response until later when I shared the incident with my husband. I commented that I cry all the time and for someone to be surprised by that is ridiculous. My husband responded that while I do share my tears with him, I do not share them with many others. So of course they are surprised when I do cry.

So here is my first step in breaking down my wall...it is a first step so don't laugh too hard, but hey at least I'm putting it out there right?

I'm extremely goofy. I try hard not to let it show in front of other people...I've been called a nerd as a result of this characteristic. When you are in 9th grade and get called a nerd you change. It's not good but it is what happens from time to time. So don't be surprised by my sudden outbursts of strangeness, it will happen.

I'm an extremely passionate person. There is rarely a middle ground of me. I'm either really happy, or really sad. I feel almost every emotion very deeply whether it is love, hate, rage, joy, compassion, concern, or frustration...I don't feel a little happy. I am ECSTATIC! I don't feel a little mad. I am IRATE! I've tried really hard to fix this but have come to the realization that God made me this way and I do a disservice to myself and the world around me if I try to change this aspect of my personality. So there you go.

Again those are first steps that may seem silly to you, but to me they are almost liberating.

Mistake #2 - Sweating the Small Stuff

2009-01-06T08:39:00.000-08:00

I tend to hold on way too long to stuff that doesn't really matter. What kind of stuff do you ask? Insignificant things really, things like how the laundry is folded; if the laundry gets folded; how clean the house is; whether or not insignificant things are done exactly the way I want them done. These are the things I get worked up about. The biggest one is what people think of me. What do they think of me? Do they think I am a good mother, do they think I am a good wife? What can I do to improve the quality of woman I am portraying? The funny thing I realized this year as I people watched from the comfort of my friendless shell is that people are worried about so much that they hardly notice me. Can you imagine, the gall of some people not to notice me? I know! I am flabbergasted. So my effort was in vain. What a waste!

I had to shift my focus and efforts onto something more productive. Maybe I could focus on actually being a good wife and mother rather than just trying to make myself look like a good wife and mother. And then, I heard it...the sentence that both wounded and healed my heart. This sentence would be my focus and my motivation for the remainder of my life. There can be no true love if there are only thoughts of self. Hold on, let me take the knife out of my HEART! The worrying I do about the house being clean, and the laundry being done, and how I look to outsiders is so insignificant in comparison to those inside my house who suffer from my worrying. If this sentence is true, then I had to admit that the love I claimed to feel for my husband and children was empty as long as I was worried about how I was perceived. Sweating the small stuff keeps me from truly loving those closest to me. Sweating the small stuff costs way too much. Life is so short and before I know it the kids will be grown and doing their own thing. I will have all the time in the world to clean house and fold laundry. The funny thing is when that time comes I'll be wishing for these days...these days I take for granted. So I'm learning to sit back, relax, let the house be imperfect, let the laundry take longer than a day to do, let others think what they want, and I am finding myself happier. I am also finding that I am truly loving and loved truly.
I once heard someone say Being loved and loving is more important than being perfect and I couldn't agree more.

Mistakes I Don't Want To Repeat in 2009

2009-01-05T12:52:00.000-08:00

As the new year begins, I am prone to mull over the year gone by. I am the kind of gal who likes to make new mistakes, not the same ones over and over again. To avoid the same mistakes I look over the past year and try to pick out what mistakes I'd like to avoid in the new year. I'm going to try and post one every day this week or as long as I have mistakes to examine.

Mistake #1 - Never underestimate the value of friendship.
I've never really been one to have many friends. I learned early in life that people who are close to your heart are just people with more power to hurt you. So, my solution, easy...don't make friends. Have acquaintances but never friends. I understand that this would be a whole lifetime of making this mistake, but let's not get hung up on technicalities, life is too short. (That's mistake #2)
While it is true you don't risk wounds from friends if you don't have friends, what you do risk is incredibly astounding.
Here are the risks:
Lack of advice from a friend who cares and sees your life from a different perspective.
Lack of someone to have dinner with on a whim.
Lack of someone to call as a diversion when you're obsessing over life issues and really just need to stop.
Lack of someone to ask how that last test you just had done went.
Lack of someone who'll smile at you for no reason at all.
Lack of someone to give you a random hug.
Lack of someone to ask to pray for your current situation.
Lack of someone to witness your faith journey and testify how good God has been in your life.

Sure friends hurts you sometimes, but in all fairness the hurt often goes both ways. In a society where technology is a great excuse to keep depth of relationship 2 feet deep and yet give the illusion of 8 foot depth, we must fight ever fiercely to keep our friends close. And for those of us just starting out, we'll wade into the 2 foot deep pool and brave into the open waters of friendship. We'll face the waves of hurt, misunderstanding, fear, insecurity, and laziness (for me at least) and all the while remember that we can never underestimate the value of true friendship.

Nature

2008-12-16T20:30:00.000-08:00

I love nature. I love looking at flowers, trees, animals, anything that God made I find fascinating. While we were in California we saw so many colors that I couldn't help myself with the camera. I am posting them here. I hope you enjoy them.

It is believed that roses are planted in vineyards for several reasons. The one I found interesting is that roses and grapevines are susceptible to the same plant diseases. The roses develop them faster so if the roses get sick the farmers check the grapevines.

This is the entrance to one of the wineries we visited. I wanted to pull to sit down and read a book, have a glass of wine, or just listen to the quiet.

These are flowers that lined the walkway of one of the wineries we visited.

California Missions

2008-12-10T12:18:00.000-08:00

While we were in California, we visited the mission in Soledad of Mission Neustra Senora Dolorosisima de Soledad. I've included a link for those who are interested. I won't bore the rest of you with then details.

It was a very interesting location full of the history and scenery I totally dig.
It is quite ironic that the location was known for being a lonely location.

I learned from my father in law that the missions were distanced to be a days walking distance so that the priests could walk by day to their destination and have a place to stay when night fell.

The beams in this chapel are painted three different colors. I'm not sure why, maybe it's just to make it look pretty, but I did find it very interesting that every aspect of this chapel was paid attention in the reconstruction. If I find an answer I'll let you know.

California Trip

2008-12-09T17:40:00.001-08:00

We went on our annual trip to California to visit my sister in law. The picture is of a vineyard we visited while we were there. I love the colors of Salinas. You can't go anywhere without seeing something growing. Fruit, vegetables, grapes for wine. We also visited a mission. That was a very cool experience. I'll post those pictures later, but I figured I had better put up a new picture since it has been a while. I deliberately took pictures while we were in Salinas so I would have new images to post. Here is the first of many to come. There's lots happening here at the casita which will explain my briefness for today, but all is well regardless of all that is changing.

Who's In Charge Here?

2008-11-24T15:04:00.000-08:00

So I've been feeling icky lately and couldn't figure out what was going on. I did all kinds of tests. CT scans, blood work, urinalysis and everything seemed fine. I've even had an ultrasound. The whole time I kept hearing a question in the back of my mind..."Will you let me heal you even if you don't know what I'm healing you of?" I'm a control freak! I'm ashamed to admit, this question was easy for me to answer...NO! I need to know what is wrong. God can't heal me without telling me what He's healing me of, that's just not the way we do it. Well, after 6 hours in the ER with great painkillers on board, very little sleep, and an "We can't see anything wrong with you Angelica" I was done. My need to feel better won over my need to know what was wrong. This was taking time from my children, my husband, myself and not to mention I was not going to be the reason we missed our trip to California. Yes, I finally resigned, yes God can heal me without telling me what's going on. Yes, God can make me feel better even when I don't have the control. Yes, God You can be in charge!
I had the wonderful opportunity to sing two of my new favorite songs back to back on Saturday and they never meant more to me than that night. Let My Words Be Few and In Christ Alone. The first song sings of the realization that I am so in awe of who God is and words cannot be what expresses my emotion, as they do not do Him justice. The second sings of my dependency on God. There is a line in the first verse that meant so much to me that night...What heights of love, what depths of peace...When fears are stilled, when strivings cease....My Comforter, my All in All....Here in the love of Christ I stand. When the fears of who I am without God are quited, when strivings for control and power cease, all I find myself in the greatest love and peace: In Christ alone. That is more than I deserve and all I need.
By the way, God is so gracious. I felt better almost immediately and figured if God had the power to do that I didn't need to know the answer. He gave me the answer anyway. I had a ruptured ovarian cyst. He gives me so much more than I deserve.

Vampire Snack

2008-11-19T20:57:00.000-08:00

So I got to be a vampire snack today for the nurse. That was not too bad. We're checking for any vitamin deficiencies. Cool. Didn't know blood could tell you all of that. I get to take pictures of my insides on Friday. That should be pretty eventful. I'm trying to get everything done before we leave for California.
Oh yeah, California. We will be leaving on Tuesday for our annual trip to Salinas to visit John's sister and then off to DISNEYLAND! It's our wind town trip after the volleyball season. The kids give up time with us during the volleyball season and this has been our way just to spend some time with our kids. We'll get ready for our the holiday season when we get home. We are so excited about the holiday season. We love Christmas here at the Whitby home. But that is another post entirely. I'm looking forward to visiting with our California family and looking forward to catching up. Either way, the testing will be done and I'll be able to relax.

A Case of the Icky's

2008-11-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

So I've been feeling like crap lately. It is so frustrating to me to not feel 100% as I like to go full strength into everything I do. I've been doing the doc thing and we can't figure it out. Part of me wonders if the stress of the year is taking it's toll and part of me worries that it's something that will cause more stress this year. I don't know. Either way, I'm admitting it to myself, I feel like crap. Maybe it's like a 12 step thing. The first step to getting better is to admit that there is a problem. Maybe my key to getting better is to admit that I feel like crap. Let's see if it works.

What Are You Passionate About

2008-11-10T10:49:00.000-08:00

Just two of the things I'm passionate about

Someone once asked me what I was passionate about. At the time I wasn't sure how to answer. I am passionate about my family. It is my highest priority, other than being a godly woman, to be a great wife to my wonderful husband and a godly mother to my highly energetic children. It isn't easy to fulfill these tasks. It is the hardest work I have ever done. I've been thinking about it for a while and I realized I know what I am passionate about. I am passionate about families. I am passionate about sharing my experiences in an effort to help other women achieve their dreams of family. Everyone has something they are passionate about and I love that they vary greatly from person to person. My passion it family and keeping them whole. I don't know how God will use that for His service, but I am open to finding out.

I Am a Follwer of Jesus Christ

2008-11-05T16:12:00.000-08:00

I am a registered Republican. I don't know what that means anymore as I am ashamed of how some of my fellow republicans have behaved with regard to the election. However, I must admit that I was a bit disappointed that my candidate did not get the victory yesterday. I don't know if he would have made things better or worse, but he was who I was rooting for and I don't like being on the losing side. It would be easy to be a poor loser and take cheap shots, but you know what I realized yesterday? As it became clear I was on the losing side, I realized that I am not identified by my status as a republican, but I am identified by my status as a Follower of Christ. I don't know what lies ahead for America, I hope it is only good things. I hope that Mr. Obama's dreams of man helping his fellow man, stirs in us Americans that desire to reach out to those who are truly struggling with the difficulties life has to offer from time to time. I hope that Mr. Obama's desire to bring peace come to fruition. I will pray for Mr. Obama and his administration as they move forward. Because when push comes to shove, I am a Follower of Christ and I am called to pray for the leaders of my country, regardless of whether I voted him into office or not. It's funny, I don't know that I would have come to this conclusion if my candidate had won. I am a little ashamed of that truth.

Whoever You Vote For

2008-11-04T08:08:00.000-08:00

Don't forget to vote!

Now That I'm a Green Belt

2008-11-03T08:33:00.000-08:00

So, if you haven't already heard I am now a Tang Soo Do Green Belt. I don't know why, but I felt a sense of respect for myself. I do have to admit, I was very nervous for this test. I have been nervous before, but this was way different. When I stood before my Master to perform my form, I felt a sudden terror come over me. I know this terror. It is the feeling I get right before I do something I have been studying to do and realize I am about to do it. I usually chicken out, or get so nervous that I fumble my way through whatever it is. Saturday, I went into a mode I have been practicing but have not used until that day.
Sidebar - When we being class, we stand at attention, we salute the flag, we bow our heads, we then salute the master and begin our techniques. Now, when we bow our heads, I have begun repeating one thing in my head every practice. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).
Back to the story, I had done this on Saturday morning before we began testing. As I stood to perform, and felt the fear begin to creep in, I heard a voice whisper to me...Do not forget, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. That's right! I remembered! I looked my master in the eyes and focused my fear into a little ball and put it to the side and began to perform. I did not know how I did. I don't even remember performing, but I was not afraid. When I was done, I returned to my spot on the wall, but I was shaking so much I couldn't sit still. I had done it. I had been afraid and I had done it with confidence and strength. I am told by those who were there that my form was strong and clean. The moves were crisp and sharp. That makes me feel good, but not as good as knowing that I was terrified out of my mind and did it well.

Now, the board break with a side kick took me four tries. I was afraid to kick the masters fingers. I did kick her fingers. So, I figured after that it couldn't get much worse. I knew I was kicking wrong and I was pushing and not snapping, but the incredible thing about that was this: The thought of quitting never entered my mind. The white belt Angie would have quit after the first one. The green belt Angie kept kicking until the board was broken. Quitting was never an option. I was determined to break it and that felt good too.
When I was a white belt, I didn't know I would develop strength and courage as I pursued each belt level. Now that I'm a green belt I look forward to the new challenges that await me.

Another Year Older

2008-10-30T13:38:00.001-07:00

Anyone who knows me, knows I am very introspective when it comes to anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays. It's my birthday again. I remember the days when the year between my birthdays just seemed to drag on and on. I couldn't wait to be 13 or 16 or 18 or 21. Now, the years just seem to fly by and my birthdays sneak up on me, tap me on the shoulder and yell SURPRISE!
I must admit, though, that I am very happy with my life. I am happy to be the wife of a godly man who adores me and would swim through shark infested waters just to bring me a glass of wine. I am happy to be a mother, who is finally having more good days than bad days, and realizes she has some pretty cool kids. I am in a family that is one of the best families a woman can be a part of. It has been work, the hardest work I have ever done, but it has been so worth it. I am 34 and happy and proud of the choices I have made and how God has blessed those choices.

Here We Go Again

2008-10-24T10:37:00.001-07:00

I'll be honest. There is no actual point to this point. It is my vain attempt to keep from losing my mind today. Doesn't it seem like life keeps moving even when you're calling for a time out? I know it does for me. However, amidst the kids fighting and screaming, I have stolen away for a few minutes of mental rest. A deep sigh escapes my lips and I realize I should go pray.

Parenting Quote of the Day

2008-10-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

So I heard a parenting quote today and I'm convinced it needs to be my parenting motto for the next 15 years.

Most of the time, being a good parent feels crappy.
~Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Isn't that the truth? I find that a good amount of the time I have deny my kids things. I do it becuase it is in their best interest. I don't like to deny them anything, but I realize that if I give them everything, I may be doing them a dis-service. When they were babies, I was responsible to meet all of their needs, but as they grow, I find my responsibility shifts from meeting all fo their needs to teaching them to meet their own needs. This requires mistakes, failures, and errors. It's hard to watch them go through those things sometimes, but I find great pride in watching them succeed.
I will endure the crappy feelings of discomfort and pain to allow them the opportunity to mature and grow and learn from life's experiences.

Jude

2008-10-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

I began reading through Jude yesterday, and I was amazed to read that Jude had other plans for this letter. He had intended to address something entirely different, until God changed his plans. I only got that far yesterday when I began a conversation with God. Isn't it like Him (God) to change people's plans? Actually, I think we are the ones who change His plans. My husband and I like to talk about what the future holds for us and at times, I admit, I am a little hesitant at discovering what God's plans are for me. I believe, in a vain effort to stay in my comfort zone, I make my own plans and then feel betrayed and hurt when God reminds me that our plans are not matching up. So far, I like the tiny book of Jude. I can't wait to keep discovering it's insight.

Solomon's Songs...Fact or Fiction

2008-10-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

So I've been reading up on the Song of Solomon...I think I already said that and I have a thought. I hear a lot of debate about Solomon and his ability to be a good husband to 900+ women and I have a suggestion. There is no evidence, or is there...I might be mistaken in this...that Solomon was writing a documentary. If I read the first verses correctly it was a poem or song written by Solomon. I hear people speak of how it might be impossible for Solomon to experience this kind of marriage relationship. Maybe he didn't. Maybe the Song of Solomon was written by a man longing for this kind of love. Again, I could be completely wrong. Maybe this book was written for us women. Maybe it was written by a man to show us what a man desires of his woman. Maybe it was written to give us an idea of how important our presence is in their lives. Maybe it was written to give us permission to enjoy every aspect of our marital relationship. Maybe that's why they read it during Passover. Maybe they needed to remember that with all of the crap we have to put up with in life, God gave us the gift of marriage to get us through the harsh reality life can be.
My husband and I have been discussing this book and he assures me that a lot of what Mark Driscoll and my pastor Josh Reich say is true. I highly recommend you check their ideas out. Men do want the things Solomon sings about. I don't know if Solomon's songs are fictional or factual. I don't know if there was a woman who filled the longings of his heart the way the Shunamite woman did. But I do know this from reading his book.
1. God gave me permission to be a wife who fully enjoys every aspect of her marriage
2. It doesn't matter how much money or wisdom a man has, he still desires to have the love of a good woman.
3. My husband rocks!

Let's Talk About Sex...just for a minute

2008-10-07T08:05:00.001-07:00

So we've been doing a series on the Songs of Solomon at our church, I know, it's **sex**. I'm not sure where the idea came from that once we give our hearts to God and ask Him to take control of our lives we become these non-passionate people. It almost seems that married Christians equate holiness with bland sexuality or no sexuality, and I'm learning through my personal studies, that's wrong! That Song of Solomon woman is anything but bland. She is sensuous, alive, passionate, attractive, and godly. She found her husband irresistible. But guys you have to admit, he made it pretty hard to resist. So help us out.
Now I understand there is an appropriate time for fasting from intimacy, but only for a short period of time. Then we are to resume intimacy to help each other from stumbling.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. ~I Corinthians 7:5 (NLT)

But don't forget that a couple of verses prior we are told this:

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 (NLT)

So if I understand this verse correctly, I have sexual rights over my husband just as he has rights over me. So, if I deny him out of a desire to punish, retaliate, or gain revenge I am in sin. Yeah...I don't even want to go there.
Ladies, we've been really bombarded with a lot of information on spousal abuse and how to prevent sexual assault from the opposite sex. We've even been sold the line that our bodies are our own and we have the right to do whatever we want with our bodies. It's our choice. But this verse says differently. Once we are married we give authority of our bodies to our husband. I know sounds harsh, BUT don't forget, he gives authority of his body to us.
So let me challenge you single gals, choose wisely, because the man you take for a husband, will be the man to whom you give power. And to you married ladies I challenge you, exercise your rights over his body. I'm sure he won't complain. Can you think of a better way to relax and unwind from a hectic day of people demanding EVERYTHING from you? I can't.

Fears & Insecurities

2008-10-01T10:21:00.001-07:00

Fear and Insecurity seem to be a predominant theme in my life right now. I have fears and insecurities and I deal with them in a particular way. I know they are there and I work hard in God's grace, wisdom, and power not to let them overwhelm me. I know they are the very things that will damage my ministry as a wife, mother, and woman if I entertain them.
I know I am not the only one who battles with fear and insecurity, however, I wonder. What are the fears and insecurities others battle? How do we as Christians battle with fear and insecurity? Is it different than how the world battles it? Why don't we talk about our fears and insecurities more? Isn't that what helps us to gain the upper hand in relation to our fears and insecurities?
These are just questions I am asking today.

Train Up a Child

2008-09-29T08:21:00.000-07:00

We had one of "those" parenting nights last night. A battle of the wills where only one side could be the victor. Those of you who are parents of preteen boys understand what kind of battle we were up against, those of you who aren't, will one day know. It wasn't the "I hate you and wish I wasn't your child" kind of defiance. It was the "I'm becoming a man and I want to know who's in charge here" defiance. When you are in the middle of it you are thinking, "Are you serious? This has got to be a joke. Someone abducted my sweet boy and left this anger ball in his place." It's hard and I wanted to quit. I wanted to just let him be in charge in hopes of wooing my sweet child back into reality. That wouldn't work and I knew that, but I tend to look for the exit when difficult times face me. Instead, I prayed. We prayed. He didn't snap back into reality like I wanted him to, but we were able to stand our ground in a loving way. Someone once told me that when you start to hear accusations against your heart and soul that you might be on the right track and to stay the course. Well, let me tell you, we must have been on the right track last night because the accusations were flying, but we stayed the course and our son did what we asked.
Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path,
and when they are older, they will not leave it. (NLT)

Let Me Suffer Well

2008-09-24T09:51:00.001-07:00

So I've been listening to Mark Driscoll's recent podcast about prayer, which you can check out here, and he said three things that struck me as interestingly true.
One - When you come up again pain, difficulty, suffering, hardships...whatever you turn to is your functional savior. Food, drugs, alcohol, anger...those are functional saviors, but the best place to go is to God. HE is the complete Savior.
Two - Jesus did not pray for the "IF hardship comes moment" He prayed for the "WHEN hardship comes" moment. It will come. I should pray that God would get me through it, not out of it.
Three - I should not pray that dark, bleak moments be kept from me. Jesus, when He prayed in Gethsemane, prayed for deliverance from His future, but then went on to pray that God would let Him suffer well, let Him be betrayed well, let Him bleed well, let Him die well. If I am going to suffer I might as well not waste it, I should redeem it. I should pray that as I suffer through those moments, God would be honored and glorified as a result.

This week has been hard. We have been threatened with the loss of a family member. We are suffering. But our prayer has to be...let us suffer well. It brings peace knowing that whatever lies ahead, God will be glorified. We have determined that in our family heart.

Brutal Honesty

2008-09-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love about my relationship with God is that He is so honest with me. Sometimes, I would rather not hear what He is saying, but it is all stuff that will help me to grow and develop as a godly person. Like the other day, when things weren't going how I had planned them to go, I complained to God that other people got to do things as they had planned. Why not me? He so lovingly pointed out that those people did a better job of organizing and executing their plans than I did sometimes. OUCH! Not what I wanted to hear. Or like the same day when I was complaining that if I had the tools I could do my job better. After all, other people got the tools they wanted and that was why they were so successful in their jobs....to which He responded, ever so lovingly, that those people could be trusted with what HE had given them. YIKES! Yes, I love how honest God is with me. I admit, I don't like it when He's honest with me in the moment, but in hindsight I realize He's probably right. After all, He's God, He must be right....right?

MRI, iPods, and missed classes

2008-09-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

Okay so today had a frustrating start. My son had an appointment to have an MRI done. We all woke up early (no small feat with my princess who sleeps until 8 or 9) and headed across town to keep our appointment. I suggested my son might be able to take the iPod in with him, but wasn't positive. Well, turns out he couldn't take it in. Which set off a chain of events that would spiral quickly out of control and end with us leaving the office un-MRI'ed and frustrated. Yes, I realize that isn't a word, but I'm using it anyway. He wouldn't even step foot into the room and it was painfully obvious there was no way to make him do it and not look like the mother who is traumatizing her son in front of the tech's. Anyway, we left the office after 20 minutes of negotiating and comprimising without the MRI and feeling defeated. I had missed my martial arts class, woke everyone up early, missed a good breakfast, only to fight with my son across town. I yelled at God and complained that He could have helped a little more. After all, we did pray and ask that God would help Isaac to be brave and courageous. God could have answered that prayer. He responded ever so gently and patiently with the following...Bravery or Courage were not what your son lacked. He was being stubborn. I was a bit confused but after a conversation with my beloved son, I discovered God was once again right. He was mad that he couldn't take the iPod into the room with him. I suppose I forgot to pray for that one. We've since made up and are now enjoying a better day, but MAN! Proof of two things, God answers prayer, but make sure you ask for insight into what to pray for. And two, God is always right.

Small Victories

2008-09-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

I coach volleyball. I know some of you already know that, but for those of you who don't I coach. I've been avoiding the title, but yesterday I was proud to embrace it. I coach to play volleyball, but hopefully I am also coaching them to succeed in life. I always say, I could care less if they win a game if they lose at life. Small victories are more important in life when they motivate you to push yourself to be your personal best. I am learning something this season. We were ahead in a game and the girls were so excited. They were about to burst with excitement. It made me smile just to watch them. Their excitement was contagious. As they came in at a time out, called by the other team, I encouraged them to soak up the moment. Isn't that what it's about? Soaking up the moments of life, being in the moment and allowing yourself to get caught up in the emotion of it. We lost the game, but boy did we win a small victory. We soak up every second of that suspenseful game and they are ready for the next game.

Cinderella

2008-09-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

We were on our way to a piano lesson the other day and this precious little song began to play on the radio. My daughter squealed with glee and asked, "Mommy! Please turn it up? I love this song!" I figured it was some silly little song and so I complied. It was the least I could do. As I listened to the lyrics, tears welled in my eyes. It is the song of a father who is watching his little girl grow into womanhood.

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone.

Even now as I listen to it again, I am sappily tearing. There are two reasons for this flood of emotion and here they are. One, I spent so much time in my life being sad about the fact that I never knew this kind of love. The pure love of an earthly father. The kind of love that protects and cherishes from outside predators. I have known it in my relationship with my Heavenly father and for that I am so blessed. So the first reason is the final mourning of the father I never had. The second reason was the realization that my children do know this love. My daughter has the love of her daddy. My favorite memory is the trip home from the hospital with a newborn Elisa in the back seat. The song Butterfly Kisses began to play on the car radio and John looked at me with a tear in his eye. Concerned, I asked him what was wrong. He looked back at the car seat and whispered, "I'm going to have to give her away." She has a daddy that loves her. Knowing that, I can no longer be sad. I have given her what was taken from me.

I Love My Man

2008-09-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

My husband and I began dating 14 years ago this month. We reminisced about our courtship this weekend and marveled at how much we still love each other. I remember being worried that I might get tired of him or vice versa. I worried that we'd get bored of each other or run out of things to talk about. I was so wrong. I now look back and realize that no matter how much I thought I loved him I had no idea what love was. Love at that moment was a warm feeling of school-girl giddiness and excitement that I had someone to hold hands with and belong to. The love I have for that man now is deeper than anything I have ever experienced. It is stronger than any emotion I knew existed. The passion is stronger and purer than the day we married. Nothing really happens in my life unless I can share it with him. He is my best friend and life partner in every sense of the word. I look forward to the years ahead. The first 12 years of marriage have been filled with such wonder and love I can only imagine what the coming years will hold.

Adventures

2008-09-06T20:26:00.000-07:00

So I've been allowed the honor of leading worship a couple of times at our church. It is always something I've dreamed of doing and have enjoyed the occasions I've been allowed to share my talents this way. This evening I felt like I struggled more than I would have liked but, I've learned two lessons this week. So I suppose my discomfort was not in vain.

1. Stick with keys you already are comfortable with while your throat is sore, otherwise it is hard to sing them later when your voice starts to feel better.
2. Practice like you aren't comfortable with the songs even if you are comfortable with the songs.

I'm not sure how long I'll be allowed to continue doing this, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I have the opportunity. It's been a great adventure and I'm learning so much about myself and the abilities God has given me.

Games

2008-09-01T20:50:00.000-07:00

So we're going to be full blown into our volleyball season tomorrow and I'm excited to see what my girls can do. They are a great bunch of girls and I hope they are learning as much from me as I am learning from them.

Motherhood

2008-08-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

Okay friends. I'm back. I'm ready to take on the world again. I believe I have begun taking steps to come to terms with the fact that I cannot be God to my family. I didn't realize I was trying to occupy that role. I now realize it and have surrendered it once again.
Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever done. No one tells you how involved your heart gets into your family. I believe this is because it is a different experience for every woman. No one woman experiences it the same way. For some it is a natural thing; it happens without them even trying. For others, it is the most unnatural thing in the world. It takes work, effort, and an unseemingly unpossessed ability. None of these experiences is wrong. It is just the evidence of the fact that we are all created differently. I have spend the first years of my motherhood trying to be something I am not. I have fought my basic instincts to do what I thought was the correct thing to do. I now realize those instincts serve a purpose. God made me the woman I am so that I can be the mother He has called me to be. God gave me the children He gave me because He knew I would be the mother they needed. So I say to you mothers who struggle to find yourselves in this crazy world that has launched an all out attack on motherhood, femininity, warmth, nurturing, and strength to allow yourselves to be the mother you dream of being. It will not look like any other woman's skill or ability. It will be your own unique experience and you should enjoy it. Don't let anyone stick their finger in your face and tell you what you should or should not be doing (I realize I am doing something similar to that now, but you know what I mean). Stand tall and proud and embrace the woman you are and explore the motherhood set before you.
Okay I'm done now. Have a great day.

He's My Son

2008-08-26T21:51:00.001-07:00

So, I'm tucking my son in to bed tonight and this horrible song comes on the radio. If you're listening to my playlist you're listening to it now. I began to weep as my heart sang along with Mark. It's hard to be positive and brave and noble and good when you hear stupid songs like this one. These are the songs that bring the weakest part of you to the surface for everyone to see. But then it said something that made me stop.

I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You

Truer words were never spoken. My son needs God. I can't be God for him. This realization is both liberating and heart wrenching. I will never be able to be all for him. I can stop trying. But the realization that he needs something I can't give him is too much for me.
Honestly guys, this is proving to be more than I can bear. It might just be a bad day, but man this is the worst bad day I've had in a long time.

Superwoman? Not lately

2008-08-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

So my shock has worn off, and I am now left with the realization that with one small diagnosis, life has changed. Please don't misunderstand, this by no means changes our love for our son. Nor does it change the hopes and dreams we have for him. We will not let this be something that keeps us from encouraging him to be all that God created him to be. No, this isn't the change I speak of. It's the change that happens in those around us. It's the change that happens within our family. It's the realization that things we left unnoticed, must now be noticed and documented for his sake. It's the change of well-meaning people giving us their hopes of his complete and total healing. It's the change of dealing with those around us who aren't sure how to treat our son. It's the change of feeling vulnerable. It's the feeling that one small inquiry of how I'm doing sets tears into motion. It's the small changes that no one notices. These small changes just prove to be too much from time to time. I cannot allow myself to think about it during the day, it overwhelms me and threatens to stop me dead in my tracks. I steal away these few moments in the early phases of my morning. I allow myself to come to terms with my humanity. I allow the tears to surface. I give into the vulnerability. It is the only way I will call out for help from the only One that can help. I know I serve a big God. I know there is nothing too big for Him. I know that with a thought of my son He can heal him from what ails him. However, there is a sense that this may not be what He's planning. I know He will get the glory. I worry that He's chosen to use us this way. I am human and fail Him so often. But He is God and I do believe He knows what He's doing.