My Feral Christianity

Men and Women

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:30:00 +0000

I got the opportunity to revisit my past yesterday. I believe it's good to do this once in a while to grab a sense of how much growth has occurred. The portion I visited had to do with my view of men and women and their relation to each other. I was amazed to find that my ideas on this topic have changed almost completely since the days of my teen-hood.

I watched many versions of relationships and decided early on that I would never depend on a man. I would never allow a man to be EVERYTHING to me. I would marry a man, I would love a man, I would allow a man to be the father of my children, but I would remain in control. I realize now that this was my response to being hurt by men over and over again. I did not realize that at the time. I spent the first several years of my marriage trying to maintain control. It was quite comical as I look back on it now. If you know my husband you know that he is a happy go lucky kind of guy, but he is strong. He'll allow me my illusion of control. He'll allow me to think I've got everything organized, but we both know, it's a joint effort. We need each other and it's a beautiful thing. Once we got past my need for control and his need to be invincible we have found we make a pretty good team.

I read in Genesis 2 today about the creation of man and woman and realized, this is the way God set it up. We compliment each other. We challenge each other. We encourage each other to grow. We hold each other accountable when we don't. Why do we fight it so fiercely? Why do we fight to be independent of each other? It's no wonder we have such a lack of strong men willing to do the job of husbanding and fathering. We've spend the past few decades telling them we don't need them. We women have convinced men and ourselves that we can do anything they can do better. Why would we need them? No wonder they have checked out. I agree...we may be able to do some things better, but why would be want to use that knowledge to push them out of the picture? Why wouldn't we want to use our knowledge to help them to become the best men they can be? We all benefit from their strength. We all benefit from their presence. We all benefit from their contributions to society. These are just questions I have running around in my mind today as I remember how fiercely I fought to do my husbands job. I find such peace and contentment in using my gifts to help him become the man God has called him to be. I find such joy and pride as I watch him take his place in society as a strong man of God. I enjoy such relief as I watch him father our children and know, they will have an opportunity I never had. He pursuing his role as a man and I am pursuing my role as a woman. It's better than the control I thought I had...so much better.

Moving The Human Mountain

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 15:15:00 +0000

Webster's first two definitions of faith are:
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof

Faith has been the common thread of my life. Everything I hear and read has some connection to faith. My adult life seems to be much like that of all adults; full of life's complications, frustrations, and disappointments. Because I was raised in a family of faith, there came a time when I wanted to know personally what this faith meant for me. It sent me on a journey of questions and investigations that led to an idea I hold personally. I knew what others told me their faith was and foolishly, I tried to imitate their description of faith. Faith cannot be imitated. Faith is as personal and unique as a preference of coffee, in my estimation. Everyone likes a Starbucks beverage, and if you don't then there is just something wrong with you. But all kidding aside. Everyone likes coffee in some way shape or form. It might be the Mocha Latte, the Double Shot Espresso, or the Caramel Mocha Frappaccino Light with no whipped cream. It could even be that the only coffee you take is in icecream. It is the same with faith. I cannot expect my husband to demonstrate his faith the same way I do. I am a woman. I cry when I feel God move, I sing when God touches my heart. My husband's responses to God in his life are very different. So investigating your faith can be a good thing.

So, here's what I came up with. Belief must come before faith and faith cannot come without belief. I know, hang with me. I must believe in God to have faith. I must believe He is who He says He is. I must believe what He says about me and what He promises me. My faith is the evidence of that belief. My faith is the proof of what my belief is. The integrity of my belief will be shown in my faith. Faith should be active and in alignment with what I believe. If I believe God loves me, I will behave as though He does. If I believe God wants to bless me to be a blessing, I should start being a blessing. I do not wait for Him to bless me because I already know He will. I act on my belief even without the proof. It is behaving based on what I believe, not believing to change my behavior. You can believe, but if you are refusing to act based on those beliefs, do you really believe? It is in our nature to get lazy and expect God to move on our behalf while we stand idly by and wait for something to happen. It is in our nature to ask God to prove His existence by acting on our behalf. We ask Him to prove His greatness by moving a giant mountain. The reality is this: the mountain He wishes to move is my heart. The greater power is the one that ejects me from my comfort zone and prods me to move AND to do it with my permission. The greater miracle is the one that occurs when a hard stubborn heart allows itself to be softened and tenderized to God. Now, THAT mountain, is often much more difficult to move.

Ultimately, I made a choice. There was no proof. I made a choice. And my prayer is this; Everything that has followed that choice is evidence of my faith.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

August 16, 1998

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:37:00 +0000

I love reading my bible and finding scriptures with dates next to them. I found the date 8-16-98 marked next to Amos 9:11-14.

In that day I will restore the fallen house of David.
I will repair it's damaged walls.
From the ruins I will rebuild it and restore it's former glory.
And Israel will possess what is left of Edom and all the nations I have called to be mine
The Lord has spoken, and he will do these things.
“The time will come,” says the Lord, “when the grain and grapes will grow faster than they can be harvested. Then the terraced vineyards on the hills of Israel will drip with sweet wine!
I will bring my exiled people of Israel back from distant lands, and they will rebuild their ruined cities and live in them again. They will plant vineyards and gardens; they will eat their crops and drink their wine.

As I read through this verse I tried to remember what was going on in August 1998 that made this verse so important that I would want to remember it. Then it hit me. It was a painful time in my life. We had just experienced a miscarriage and I was devastated. I had been operating under the belief that if I followed God's rules, I would not experience loss and pain. And if I did experience loss and pain, it was a direct result of my sin. You can imagine how the loss of this child would cause me to question what I believed. What sin had I partaken in that warranted the loss of my unborn child? What had I done to deserve the death of my child? Surely my sin wasn't that great! It wasn't the child alone I grieved, it was the hopes, dreams, and aspirations that were assigned the child. I had suffered events in my youth that made me question my ability to have children. I had sighed with relief when I learned of my pregnancy.
"God has been faithful! I will get to bear children. I will get to fulfill my hopes of being a mother." SLAM! The miscarriage had shut that door. Maybe I wouldn't get to carry children. It wasn't fair. I was to suffer for the sins of others. IT WAS NOT FAIR. God seemed cold and far. He seemed uncaring and cruel. I wanted to turn my back on Him and I did for a short time. I thumbed my nose at Him and let Him know I could handle my life without Him. I have never been so alone or so afraid in all of my life. And then, I heard the story of Isaac and Abraham. I had heard it before but this time it was different. I commiserated with Abraham as he took his hopes and dreams, his promises of a future....Isaac...and laid them on an altar. He loved God more than what he had been promised. He was being asked to trust God even though it didn't make sense. I don't know why I read Amos that day. But I did. The promise God gave to Israel struck a chord with me. I felt as if I had been pillaged of everything that was pure and good. I felt desolated and ravaged. All that I had dreamed of and hoped for had been taken. But I also knew that God was my life. I needed Him more than I needed to be a mother. I laid my dreams of motherhood and bearing children at the altar and held Amos 9 as my receipt. I would trust God, but I would hold Him to His promise of restoring what had been taken. I felt a peace that day that I had never known. I chose to believe that no matter what my future held, I would serve God. He was life and without Him I had no purpose. If I was to live life without children, then there must be another purpose for my life. I found out within that week that I was carrying my first child, Isaac D'Artagnan.

Not all stories turn out the way we want them to. God doesn't always come through for us the way we want Him to. The pastor man is always saying that I agree with him. He didn't come through for John the Baptist and save his life. He didn't come through for me and save my child. But I have learned to trust that He's got a purpose for it all.

It is amazing to me to see how His promise is being fulfilled. I can see how God has repaired the holes of my life. I can see how God has been restoring and rebuilding my life. He has given me courage when I had none. He has given me joy, when I had lost all hope. He has given me love, when I had shut my heart to all love. He has been so good to me. He has been so faithful. His love for me has never once been too little or not enough. Even when I thought He was so far away, He was there.

Confidence Builders and Guilt Busters

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:38:00 +0000

This week I've put my actions behind my words. I heard a quote at the beginning of the week and decided to put it into action. Angie paraphrase "The best way to develop confidence in kids is to allow them to struggle through a difficult task until they succeed." It was one of those quotes that I heard and thought "That is so true and so many parents don't do it." It was at this moment that a little voice inside challenged me..."Neither do you." OUCH! Everything in me fought against this. Yes I do. I do allow my children to struggle through difficult tasks. But then I got to thinking...then why do they lack confidence? I allow them to struggle with it, but I don't allow them to struggle until they succeed. So I've been challenging the kids to different things and staying out of the way so they can succeed. They have done well. I've noticed a little bit of confidence beginning to emerge and it's really cool to watch happen. However, the proof was in the happenings of last night. Each child had a task they DID NOT want to complete. The children have studied me and know the fastest way to get out of the work they are supposed to do. How do I know, their tactics were precise and effective last night and I nearly gave in.
Elisa continued to stall and allow herself to be distracted from her task. She came out of the office every 5 minutes to pet the dog, ask what was going on, even the shameless tactic of "Mommy, I love you, I just need a hug cause this is so hard." She's good. Everything in me wanted to jump in and help her focus. Thank God my husband was there, because I kept myself in check knowing he would hold me accountable to what I had been purposing to do. Isaac's approach is different. He plays on my emotions and my sympathies for his feelings. He whines, complains, he may even start to cry, and then finally diverts attention from the task at hand with jokes or physical humor. Everything in me wanted to tell him to quit and just go to bed. But again, my husband was working with him, and I knew he would hold me accountable to what I had been purposing to do. So, I distracted myself with Facebook comments and Sudoko puzzles. I kept silent and did nothing. They each succeeded at their tasks and both walked away from their tasks feeling a little taller. It was so amazing to watch them in the giddiness of their success. It did bring a tear to my eye.

I learned something about myself last night, though. I'm not trying to make their lives easier, I'm trying to make my life easier. I do not like to hear the whining, complaining, and crying they do. It makes me feel like a bad parent. I begin to hear lies of "What a mean parent you are. Why don't you just help them, you know they can't do it alone. They are going to grow up hating you and write books about you. They'll end up on Oprah's couch talking about what a heartless mother you were. Yup...You suck as a mother." I know they are lies right now, but in the heat of the moment I am almost paralyzed by them. I am just so thankful that God gave me the strength last night to allow them the opportunity to develop confidence and that he helped me to bust the guilt that I was trying to embrace. Good lessons, hard lessons, but good nonetheless.

Struggles Provide Confidence Growing Opportunities

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 15:07:00 +0000

I remember the day John & I brought each of the children home from the hospital/birth center. Different thoughts and emotions were present with each child. With Isaac, joy, fear, worry, doubt, confusion, and relief that he was finally home, as he was born sick and didn't come home until nearly a month after delivery. With Elisa, I felt excited, nervous, at peace, scared, and impatient to get on to the business of parenting. Each of these experiences fostered responses in me, responses that have molded my parenting technique. One response has gotten me into a bit of trouble. "I will make life easier for my children." WHAT!? I think the pain of life ,often, is so much to bear that we wish it away. We forget how we have grown, matured, been imaginative, loved, learned, and found treasures of friendship and strength that one cannot gain without pain. I've cheated my children out of that experience. I've asked my husband to do the same. He, of course, usually ignores my request, thank God. I heard someone say yesterday that the way you grow confidence in your kids is to allow them to struggle with the things of their life until they succeed at them. So, I put the idea to the test yesterday. I allowed each of my children to do a difficult task. I allowed them to struggle with it until they succeeded. It was difficult for ME! I wanted to move them aside and take over. I wanted to ease the frustration they were experiencing. BUT the thing I found was most prevalent, I wanted to END THE WHINING! Whoa! Maybe my desire to make life easier comes from the desire to make my life easier? I didn't like that realization. They finally succeeded and guess what, they did feel confident. I've known that pain and difficult situations in my life provide an opportunity to grow, I now need to transfer that train of thought over to my parenting.

Day 15 of The 30 Day Sex Challenge

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 15:06:00 +0000

The 30 Day Challenge...WOW! My heart is so full. I'm not sure how to start this particular post. I've got so much in my heart to share and don't want to overwhelm anyone with it. But I'll just take one thought at a time and see what happens.

So this Saturday the pastor man and his beautiful (both internally & externally) wife covered the topic of sex. I know, in church? They covered this tricky topic and did a good job. It was a bit awkward at times, but it went well. I think the church stays too silent on the topic of sex and what God desires of married couples and FOR married couples. He created sex to be a connection of two hearts and souls and often our society uses it as nothing more than a handshake. How sad is that? But that isn't what I wanted to focus on. However, here is a link to the message if you want to check it out. Be prepared, it's not what you're normally going to hear. Check it out, it's a good series.

The idea of the 30 Day Sex Challenge was a little daunting for me. I love the physical relationship with my husband, but I knew that God was going to do something in my heart and mind during this season. I wasn't sure I wanted to allow Him to do that work. I've avoided it for nearly two decades. I wasn't quite sure what I was avoiding, but I knew I did not want to look at it. I was, terrified of what we would find there. As we move into day 15 of the challenge, I'm glad I have opened my heart to it. I have found ugliness; self hatred, fear, and confusion. But what I have also found truth and in that truth I have found FREEDOM! My heart, during this series, has been for those who have been wounded by the enemy's version of sex. The abuse, the pain, the selfishness, and ultimately the devastation that happens when the enemy takes what God created and twists it for his own purposes. I am a survivor, no a warrior and victor of this version of sex. The details are unimportant to me now, but what is important is that God is continually healing my heart and mind from the bondage's that once kept me hostage. Why am I bringing it up, because I realize there are many who have been wounded deeply in the same way. Many of you find it difficult to enjoy the relationship God has given you in marriage. Many of you find it hard to open your heart to God and to your spouse. Many of you live with the fear that often accompanies these chains. I know I can't change it for you, but I do know someone who can. Even now as I continue with these words, I ask myself, "What do you think you can do about it? This is a blog. What difference will it make?" Maybe none, but maybe, just maybe it will help you. Maybe you will read these words and maybe you know the desire to be free from the pain of it all. Jesus! Maybe you're tired of reliving the memories. Jesus! Maybe you just want it all to finally be over, the pain, the hurt, the mistrust, the anger. Jesus! Jesus, my friend, will answer. He'll be there. I wish I could do more, but maybe this is all I am supposed to do for now. I pray for you and know that God is so powerful and able to do great things in your life. I know He's done great things in mine.

The Winner in My Reality

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 16:43:00 +0000

What do you do when you start to get bogged down with your reality? Okay maybe that doesn't make sense...let's try it this way.
You're having a great day. It's nice and cool. The wind on your face has hints of winter in it. The smell of cooler weather teases. Summer is almost gone. You can feel it. You feel re-energized. This has been a good day. Then REALITY hits you. Maybe it's an illness, maybe it's a difficult relationship, maybe it's a situation you have been ignoring, no matter what it is...it hits you and steals the joy you felt just seconds ago. You begin to think about the reality of your life and begin to feel weighted down with it. It almost seems unbearable. It's suffocating the joy from your life. What do you do in that moment? Do you have a plan?
As you may have guessed it's been a rough morning, but I'm getting through it and winning the battle. I have made a plan and have a strategy to get through these mornings. I still struggle sometimes, who doesn't? But I remember the days when I lost more than I won and I wondered, do you have those days? Do you lose more than you win? Do you have a plan, a strategy?
I'd like to share mine with you. This morning my son had a seizure...he has epilepsy. His seizures are so infrequent that it is almost easy to forget he has it. And then mornings, like this morning happen and reality hits us. It isn't that I fear for his life, God has promised me that he will be fine. I don't know what that means and I don't know how He will keep that promise, but I know that He never fails on His promises. But I do have a sense of guilt after mornings like the one I had today. "Could I have prevented it? Could I have done something different? Should I have sent him to school afterward? Will he be emotionally scarred? Will he be okay?" I begin to forget that God has it in His control. So what do I do?
1. Remember God's promise and that He is faithful.
2. I listen to some Kirk Franklin fighting music. It changes my mindset from victim to predator. I will not be the victim of my reality, I will be the VICTOR.
3. I share my thoughts with God. Many times if I vocalize them, they don't sound so crazy anymore. OR sometimes I realize how silly my thoughts are and am able to turn them over to God.
4. I find some way to do something for someone else. This gets my focus off of myself and my reality.
5. I remember that my feelings are not reality and work very hard not to make any decisions based on my feelings. Feelings are fleeting and come and go with the wind.
I hope that helps. It's helped me. If you haven't noticed, I'm working steps 3 and 4 with this here blog.
Now, I'm ready to go and take on my day and be the winner in my reality.
GO GOD!

Excuse Me...A 30 Day What Challenge?

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:23:00 +0000

Now that the 10 +10 challenge has come to an end...we're on to another challenge. I know, another one, but I kind of like this one...okay I really like this one. The people of our church have been asked to consider a challenge...a 30 day challenge. There is one for the singles...all the single ladies, all the single ladies...okay let's focus. There is also one for the marrieds. It is a 30 day Sex Challenge. Okay, wait. Before anyone starts guffawing or chafing, hear me out. I'm married, so I will pontificate (it's my new word and I had to use it) from a married perspective. We're on day 8 and it is so much more than sex. It's intimacy on a new level, a God level. It's creating a time to be open to hearing the heart of your spouse. It is opening yourself up to understanding what God says about your marriage. It's also providing a time to be heard and understood, by the person to whom you've committed your life. John and I have always said that DEATH is the only way out of our marriage. It's a great motivator for conflict resolution, since neither one of us has been ready to die for any conflict we've ever had. However, it is my hope that I am the kind of wife that grows and learns and is a proper companion to my husband. I do not want to just bide my time in a loveless marriage where I am not understood, known, or investigated. I want to experience all that marriage has to offer, but in order to do that, I must be willing to put effort into the experience. As I said, we are only on day 8, but already God is doing some much needed healing in my heart. I look forward to where we will stand on day 30. Keep in mind, I am speaking from a woman's perspective on the matter, so if you are a guy and want a man's perspective on this challenge, talk to my husband. But ladies, don't cheat yourself out of the love of a godly man. Consider the challenge. I'm pretty sure you're husband will be open to this challenge. 30 Day Sex Challenge? I don't want to be stereotypical, but what husband is going to turn that down? I'm just saying....

Summary of the 10 +10 Challenge

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:40:00 +0000

The 10 + 10 challenge is over and I have to agree with my pastor, it has changed my life. It has changed my perspectives on things and that is changing my life and how I live it.

Here are just a few of the changed perspectives.

My marriage
~ Old perspective – I'll just pray that John figures out what we're supposed to do
~ New perspective – God show us what it is you're trying to teach us.
My parenting
~ Old perspective – I hope my kids don't embarrass me with their behavior.
~ New perspective – God help us to teach our children about Your love for them, so that they will one day embrace our faith in You as their own.
My friendships
~ Old perspective – How come no one ever notices when I'm having a hard day. No one cares.
~ New perspective – Which one of my friends needs an example of God's love today? God, use me to remind them how much You love them.

I like the changes I am seeing in myself and the environment around me. It's amazing how internally I had begun to think and how my surroundings were suffering because I was not available to help God meet needs. I know I have a long way to go, but I'm glad I'm no longer wasting time contemplating the importance of my navel and aware of the work God has for me to do.

Apathy...My Great Sin

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:41:00 +0000

As I continued in Hosea I start to recognize a trend. The nation of Israel begins to indulge in foreign gods and even the priests turn to drunkenness and sexual sin. It's an "every man for himself" idea that seems to prevail among them. And all I can think is...Why do we do it? We exchange God for a buzz and, excuse my frankness, orgasm. I see it in our society all the time. I've been guilty of it myself. Right now I'm listening to Kirk Franklin, a brother who has had his struggles, but does his best to keep getting up, and it reminds me what it was to be on God's team. Those days when I believed I could take on the enemy and be victorious with my God on my side, or me on His. I took myself out of the game. I saw the need of our world and believed the lie that I couldn't make a difference. The need was too great and I was too small. I've not committed any grand sin, I tell myself, but haven't I? Isn't apathy a dangerous sin to the kingdom of Heaven? I have watched acquaintances struggle beside me and fight all sorts of battles, all the while I have felt nothing and have done nothing. Knowing that Jesus can help and change, I've remained silent. How dare I? I have watched as brothers and sisters in the faith have sustained relentless attacks on their hearts and I have remained silent. How dare I?! I'm not beating myself up, I'm calling myself out on my GRAND SIN! I want Peter 1:22 to become my lifestyle...Love each other with a warm love that comes from the heart...a heart that is hopefully being regenerated by God Himself.

So, my friends, Jesus! Jesus can change your life. Jesus can change your heart. Jesus can take your torn and broken heart and make it whole again. He's done it for me in ways that you can't even imagine. I've not shared my stories for fear, but He has changed my life in amazing ways. If you need Jesus, He's there. I'm here as well to tell you about what He's done in my life. Jesus!

And yet another poem written July 19, 2004

A growing distance grows in the quietness of our ranks
We say little of our needs and holes
We speak only of our accomplishments and failures
Our dreams of changing the world melt into dreams of survival
The gulf between you and I expands as our competition and gossip blind us
I no longer see you as an asset but as one more person I must best
As children we shared secrets and giggled about life
Now we shut each other out and withhold information in order to succeed
I stopped today and look at you and I cried
You looked so lonely and confused, maybe even a little scared
I knew those feelings myself
I wanted to reach out to you and tell you I was here
for some reason I didn't
I wanted to take your hand and tell you you weren't alone
My pride kept me silent
What has happened to us
We say nothing of dreams, hopes, or aspirations
We speak only of chores
We talk and talk and say nothing of who we are or who we hope to be

Hosea?

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:54:00 +0000

I've been asking God about what I should be reading in His Word and Hosea kept repeating in my mind. I don't know if He was telling me to read the book about the prophet who was married to a prostitute, but I read it anyway just to cover my bases. I told my pastor I was going to be doing this and his repsonse was "Why Hosea?" I didn't know why then, but I do know why now.

As I said, Hosea is the book written by a prophet who married a prostitute. It creates a unique image of Israel's relationship with God at the time, but I also think it creates a great picture of any Christian's relationship with God, at least for me this is true.

How often do I allow something else to play the role of redeemer in my life. One definition of redeem is to convert into something of value. I have been guilty of allowing things in my life to give me value. I know I have played the part of a harlot in my relationship with God. I know I've allowed earthly things to sustain me when I should have been turning to God for sustenance. I've explained it away. I've made excuses, but the fact remains...IT IS SIN and I AM GUILTY OF IT. It's not important why I do it, although I'm sure it would make good conversation, but what is important is what steps I now take to make this right. And then it all makes sense. I cannot make it right. There is nothing I can do to make it right. There is only one person, one thing that can make it right. Jesus and His blood can make it right. Nothing in me can fix this. I'm continuing this conversation with my Redeemer, but my initial response is the poem below.

I Hear You're In the Business

I approach a Holy God so aware of who I am
I know I don't deserve what You will freely give
But I hear You're in the business
Of making old hearts new
And the one I have here
Could use some help from You

I've cheated and I've lied and I've stolen and I've deceived
There is nothing I have done of which I'm proud
But I hear You're in the business
Of making old hearts new
And the prideful heart I have here
Could use some help from You

I know I'll fail You again I won't want to but I will
I will fall and fall, but if you help I'll keep getting up
Because I hear You're in the business
Of making old hearts new
And my broken heart here
Will take the help from You

Jesus take this old broken heart and please make it new

The god of satellite is still dead

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 05:32:00 +0000

It's been 10 days....count 'em 10 days without satellite TV. I have to admit, I was doing okay until day 8 and then, I lost it. I am ashamed to admit it, but I did lose it. I'm amazed how much I depend on TV to help me relax and zone when I'm stressed. Friday I was particularly stressed and all I wanted to do was sit down with the remote control and channel surf. I realize we have plenty of good movies and I enjoy them all, but there are particular shows I enjoyed such as Snapped, Little House on the Prairie, New Detectives, not to mention Psych, Monk, and House. I stood in the middle of my living room and proclaimed in frustration "All I wanna do is watch TV and I'm so mad that I can't and THAT makes me so ashamed of myself! I'm such a baby!" I laugh now, but I was completely serious at the time.
Today, I finished two sets of curtains that I've had been procrastinating on for WAY TOO LONG. I've cleaned out things in my house that I've neglected for months. I've started being more diligent about my promise to learn to read music. I'm doing alot I've been putting off. Isn't it funny, how you learn to adapt when the need arises.
I think it's sad that my biggest accomplishment today, in my mind, was that I didn't complain about the lack of satellite. I didn't miss it, I didn't feel sad about it, I actually didn't even feel the urge to watch. Yeah, I'm pathetic. But at least I've gone through the first step. I was a TV junkie.
SIDEBAR: The kids have had less trouble with our current situation than their dear old mom. What's that all about?

In The Presence Of A Holy God

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 05:40:00 +0000

Sinful, filthy, ruined
Destroyed beyond repair
I cannot approach a Holy God
I do not even dare
But still He whispers my name
"Child, do not hesitate
I love you, how I love you
I am willing to wait
My work on the cross was complete & final
You do not need to fear
It's all been taken care of
The way between us is clear"
And still He whispers my name
"Child do not hesitate
I love you, how I love you
I am willing to wait

The god of Satellite has Died

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 22:11:00 +0000

Well, it happened. The funny thing is....I knew it was bound to happen. I just didn't expect it to happen the way that it did. Long story short, the home is now officially without satellite TV. Only the four basic channels now flow through our TV wavelengths. TV watching is something I've always done. And now...it has come to a complete HALT. I am quite ashamed to admit that I am dying a slow death. Yes, the lack of TV is killing me...quite literally. It is killing the lazy, self indulgent, distracted side of me. I kind of had a clue, but I have ignored it. There was this still small voice calling to me..."Spend time with me. I want to hang out with you. Get to know me a little better." NO! It wasn't my husband or kids. It was my Jesus. I no longer can ignore that still small voice. There is no Little House on the Prairie, Dateline TV, or Snapped sounds to drown them out. It's going to be a process I realize, but I can already tell it is going to be uncomfortable. I'm willing to hang touch, for now. I'm willing to see it through. It's interesting though, I've learned a few things about myself.

1. No noise leaves lots of time for listening, reflecting, and processing.
2. The kids are getting more focused and productive attention
3. I don't even turn the TV on now to watch basic channels, what's that all about? It's not like I can't, I just don't.

I Love My Day as a Full Time Mom

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 16:44:00 +0000

WARNING: THIS IS JUST MY RANTINGS. I AM PROVIDING NO STATISTICS. THESE ARE JUST MY OPINIONS AND IDEAS. YOU DON'T HAVE TO AGREE BUT YOU SHOULD AT LEAST CONSIDER IT BEFORE YOU DEBATE.

I have been a mother for 10 years. It's a long time to learn, grow, develop, sacrifice, and most importantly...love a child or children. I chose to be a full time mom (I'm not a stay at home mom, because I am rarely home) years before I had children. I married a man who supported my decision to be a full time mom and when our children were born, I quit my job and began my new profession. I've often offered to go back to work to help supplement the family income. I did do the part time mom thing for two months. I realized that my kids needed me and I needed to be home with them and quit my job and resumed my full time mom role. Each time since, when I've offered to rejoin the workforce, my husband reminds me how valuable my job is here and asks me to please reconsider. He has been accused of being prideful for not letting me help him earn money. I do not agree with this accusation. We both often wrestle with pride, but in this area I find he is the most giving person I have ever met.
We had been homeschooling, which I enjoyed immensely, but recently were requested (by God) to consider allowing the kids to rejoin the school system. We agreed and find that we have been pleased with our decision. With my days now free of children, I again revisited the idea of working outside of the home. I got to feeling guilty that my husband is working two jobs to provide for us and I'm sitting here at home. I know I frustrate him with this request, but he is so patient and loving. This time he asked me to look up the costs of a chef for dinner, since I wouldn't have time to prepare dinner as I do now. I was also to look up the cost of someone to come in and clean twice a week, do laundry, and child care for after school. These things are important to have to be done and someone will need to do them. If I return to work I will be too tired to do these things and will need help. Once I found the cost of all of these services, I was to total them up and if I could find a job that made $100 more than the costs I could get a job. The total for those services totaled $1700 a month. I now feel like quite a valuable little lady. I had no idea my services were worth that much. And I haven't even listed to services I provide above the basics. I'd also need to get a quote for a therapist, who will help the children process through their days and give them advice on how to handle relationship issues they encounter. I'd also need a therapist for my husband, who will listen to the hardships of his day, help him to process through the decisions that need to be made in the business, and comfort him when the day has been difficult. I'd also need to price out someone who can hold him and hug him and tell him that everything is going to be alright, and to remind him that he is a great man and a hero. If I'm working a full time job, I'm going to be too wiped to provide these services, don't you think?
I love being a full time mom. I am valuable. My role is important. Sure, I'm sitting here now blogging, but I'm also preparing myself for 2p when the kids get into the car. I'm doing the laundry that needs to be done so they can have clean clothes. I am preparing fruit and making popcorn for their lunches. I am planning out the dinner menu. I am spending time with God to refuel myself, so I can be prepared to be the best mother and wife these precious people can possibly have.
I love my day. I love creating an environment for my family to come home to that is peaceful and warm. Everyone needs a place in this world where they can go and hide from the harshness of the world. Everyone needs a place to go where it's all about them if only for a few minutes. We work together to keep it that place, but at this time, my role is the biggest. I finally get what my husband was trying to show me. I am an important part of the nurturing the kids will receive during their childhood. And today I embrace that role. I am not merely a stay at home mom, I am a FULL TIME MOTHER! It is my career. It is my profession and I take pride in my career and profession. It fulfills something primal inside of me. I satisfies a taboo instinct within me that the feminists of this world would have me beat out. I am a woman and I am full.

Family Bible Study

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 17:52:00 +0000

Last night we did our first Bible study with the kids. We've been praying about how to write God's name on their hearts, and how to plant the seed of Jesus and His love in them, and we found some material we are excited about using with them. Can I just say, the questions they asked us were amazing. I had no idea they were so aware of God and that they had so many questions about Him. I'm sure we'll struggle to keep it going, but we are so committed to making it a priority.

Assessment Pt. 2

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 20:27:00 +0000

God took me seriously 28 years ago. I've said that before. What I haven't realized before is that I have been viciously attacked for the past 28 years by an unseen enemy who would have me taken out of the battle before it even began. I know that I've been redeemed, justified by the blood of Jesus and His work on the cross. What I hadn't realized is that there is a part two to the process. Regeneration. Mark Driscoll refers to Justification as the work that Jesus did on the cross for us, and Regeneration as the work the Holy Spirit does in us. To hear him talk on that more click here.
I don't think I've ever gone through this process. I've been trying to survive for the past 28 years. I've not even given thought to heaving a regenerated heart. So, my journey to regain my Feral Christianity continues. I'm both excited and frightened. Pride will have to die in order for me to let my heart be regenerated. I've been trying to prove I'm God's kids with my acts of service and goodness, which is ridiculous. I'm already God's kid. Imagine that. I'm not saying the past 28 years are a waste, but I do believe I made it a little harder on myself than it needed to be. I've been trying to be good with a nasty heart. What I should have been working for is letting God get rid of my nasty heart. That sounds so simple, but something tells me, it's going to be harder than it appears.

Assestment of the 10 + 10 Challenge Pt. 1

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 17:02:00 +0000

Like most things, I took the 10+10 challenge with naive enthusiasm. "I'm going to do it and God's going to change my life. Yes!" Be careful what you ask for, right? God's been messing with my life in ways I wasn't prepared for. Here's just one story.

I met Jesus when I was 6 years old. My life was already a little complicated at such a tender age. I met Him at church and the woman told me a story using a little book with no words and pages full of color.
Black ~ The color of my heart full of sin. At six I knew I did have such a heart.
Orange ~ The color of the fires of Hell, the place you must go to when you choose not to have a relationship with God.
Red ~ The color of the blood that was shed when Jesus died on the cross for my black little heart. I wanted the blackness of my heart to be gone so desperately.
White ~ The color of my heart after it has been washed in the blood of Jesus. I spent a lot of time in the dirt so this was an understandable concept for me.
Gold ~ The color of the place I get to go after my heart is washed. I wasn't too concerned with where I would go when I died, because I was only six, I had a lot of time left.
Blue ~ The color of the waters of baptism. I didn't quite get this part but I like the color blue, and I liked the water. So baptism couldn't be all that bad.
Purple ~ The color of royalty, what I would become as a result of my white heart. As a fatherless child, this held incredible appeal. I not only got a daddy, but I got a daddy who was a king!
Green ~ The color that represented the growth and maturity that would take place over the next years.

I admit, it sounds so simple, but it is what I remember as my salvation experience. That was 28 years ago. I didn't walk away from God. I didn't spend much time building my testimony. But I did spend many years sitting still in the bondage of fear.

10 + 10 Challenge Day 2

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 23:07:00 +0000

Today my attention was drawn to the story of John the Baptist meets Jesus. It's not a big story, and not a lot is really said with words. I was asked to look a little closer, I have to assume God's finger was pointing it out. Again, I'm not that clever on my own.

So, John just finishes calling the Pharisees on the carpet. "You guys are like rats on a drowning ship." Not exactly what he said, but you get the idea. He's pretty much telling them that if they're looking for the next "How To Get Holy With Three Simple Steps" they're looking in the wrong place. John's mission with baptism was not to make people holy with the water from the river, he was symbolizing the washing that would take place in their hearts and minds. That's a whole different post, but it's worth some thought. So I'm going to move over that for now. Jesus comes through and is ready to be baptized.

I suddenly appreciate the implications of what Jesus is doing. In essence, He is submitting to the authority God has given John the Baptist. I do martial arts. Whenever I see my Sah Bom Nims (masters) I am required to bow and greet them in Korean "Ahn youn ha se oh, TANG SOO!" The Tang Soo should be said with spirit and strength. This is to happen no matter where I am. The first thing I do when I enter the school is, I bow and greet. If I'm at Starbucks and Sah Bom Nim walks in, I bow and greet. If I'm in church and they visit, I bow and greet. I show respect to the years they have dedicated to the art, and the respect I feel for their efforts on my part. So, Jesus coming to be baptized by John is like my Sah Bom Nims coming to me and bowing and greeting me, and asking me to teach them a class. John's repsonse is what I imagine mine would be...I'm not qualified, I'm not even qualified to teach you to stretch, please let me learn something from you."

Jesus was the son of God. He could have just walked up to the scene and informed John that He was going to take over. "Thanks for getting them started." But He restrains Himself and shows respect to what God is doing there and endorses it with His act of humility. What a lesson for my proud heart. Sometimes, I know that I'm right. Sometimes, I know that my way is the way. And I speak out of turn, out of place, with disrespect and disregard. How can God be in that? He can't. I can learn to be humble as my Jesus was humble. He did not exercise His authority over people and strong arm people into doing things His way. He waited and listened and acted, only when God released Him to act and THAT is why He is still changing the world. It sounds so easy, but it will be a lesson I struggle to learn until the day I die.

10 + 10 Challenge

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:53:00 +0000

10 minutes of Reading
Today I read in Matthew, as suggested. I didn't speed through the begats and found it cool that 5 women made it into the Who Begat Who list. Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, and Mary. Isn't it funny that four of the five women begat sons from their second marriages AND that ALL of the women had a slightly scandelous history? I thought that was really fascinating. But the question that formed in my mind today had nothing to do with the scandelous women and Mary...or maybe it did.

Jospeh, I noticed, was faced with a choice right off the bat. He would either have to believe that Mary carried the child of God, or not. He was a good man, he had a good reputation. Mary in her condition, would ruin that repuation. Believing in God would mess up what he had spent his past working for. If he chose not to believe Mary is carrying God's son, his future is in jeopardy. Choosing not to believe God puts his future at risk. Believe- sacrifice the past. Not Believe - sacrifice the future. WOW! These five women did have something in common with Joesph after all.

10 Minutes of Praying/Listening
So I listened for a while and I was reminded of Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart., do not depend on your own understanding. The verse sparked a train of thought that I want to believe was God poling around in my heart, because I don't think I would have been this clever on my own. I want to believe like this. I want to trust in the Lord with all my heart, but what would that look like. How would my life change if I trusted in the Lord with all my heart? What would my life look like? It's the thought I am mulling over in my mind and heart today. Let me know if you find any answers, I'm interested to hear them.

Mothers Encouragement

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 16:24:00 +0000

I've been going through old video footage of my family. There were unlabeled cassettes and I wanted to know what was on them, so the organizer in me took over and now all the cassettes are identified and labeled. It was crazy to watch my children as infants. They were so small and helpless. They were such a mystery. Who were they? What were they like? What did they enjoy? What would they grow into? And then they grew to toddlers, the first steps, words, EVERYTHING! I watched and savored the moments. I have remembered being impatient, frustrated, and distant, but as I watched those videos I realized, I wasn't those things. There were moments of impatience and frustration. There were moments I distanced myself for the sake of peace and safety. But as I listened to myself talking to the children, I realized there were some good moments in there as well. There were moments of peace and patience, and complete joy. It wasn't ALL bad.
Let's face it, being a stay at home mom is a rough job. It's easy to feel isolated, alone, and completely inept. The most difficult part for me has been the investigation that takes place from the day they are born. If you didn't already know, kids are packages that unfold over the years. We struggle to figure out what they are trying to communicate with us. We struggle to figure out what they want. We struggle to figure out what they like, although it's usually pretty easy to figure out what they don't like. I do this so that I can know how to best meet their needs. But it's tiring, and some days there are no 15 minute breaks, unless they still take naps. Even then there are things to be done, that at the time seem like they can't wait. Lunch time is more like running an obstacle course while trying to eat. HOWEVER, it's worth the effort to do the investigation. My kids are now 8 and 10 and they are so wonderfully interesting. They are so cool. I enjoy getting to know them and what makes them tick.
So if you...are feeling like they are going crazy; are covered in throw up; haven't taken a shower before noon in months; haven't sat down to eat a meal in who knows how long; wonder if you are going to survive; think no on notices the effort you are making; worry about your kids, please let me encourage you. Hang in there! This too shall pass. You're changing the world with every diaper change, every sippy cup refill, every kiss for every booboo, and every hug and kiss.

What is A Right

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 15:50:00 +0000

I usually keep my opinions to myself regarding politics. I have too many friends on both sides of the aisle to wander into these conversations lightly. So please understand right up front that I'm not commenting on politics now, I'm merely posing a question.
My husband asked me yesterday, "What is a right? What do you believe you have a right to?" It's a good question. What do I have a right to? Do I have a right to a job? Do I have a right to healthcare? Do I have a right to life? Do I have a right to a gun?
As I thought about his question, I realized that if you understand what you really have a right to, you will change the way you behave and make choices. Any thoughts any of you might have would be interesting to hear.

Wisdom is Shouting In The Streets

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:44:00 +0000

I read Proverbs 1 today and was struck by verse 20 - 21.

Lady Wisdom goes out in the street and shouts.
At the town center she makes her speech.
In the middle of the traffic she takes her stand.
At the busiest corner she calls out:
Provers 1:20-21 (Msg.)

I guess I always thought Lady wisdom was something I needed to search for, pursue, seek, investigate. It almost seems as though wisdom is seeking me according to this verse. It seems wisdom is calling out to anyone who will listen. Of course, I'll hear the argument that this is from the Message and I may be taking it out of context, but the NIV says it the same way. Wisdom stands in the streets calling aloud, raising her voice. It just struck me as funny that all this time I've been looking for wisdom and I find out that wisdom has been looking for me too. My prayer today is that we finally meet each other and unite forces.
Our church, Revolution, has been going through a series by Dave Ramsey on financial issues. Click here to listen. I like to think we are finally educating ourselves. The things he has to say on money are true and his presentation is practical and witty. Check him out and form your own opinion. Our response to his message is that we are endeavoring to get out of debt. We are deciding to become gazelle like in our pursuit of financial freedom. Wisdom will help this pursuit. I will be listening for her today.

Do I Make Him Proud?

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 07:12:00 +0000

It's funny how so many people have so many definitions of the same word. I once called myself a Christian, but I've seen others claim the same lifestyle and behave so differently than we do. It makes me a little sad. I have to ask myself continually, how am I representing Christ? Would I make Him proud? Would He stand next to me and allow me to call myself His follower? Everything I do, I think about. It's a little obsessive, but I want to make Him proud. Just some thoughts for the day.

Laziness & Complacency

noreply@blogger.com (Angie) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 05:36:00 +0000

Life has been tough the past two years. I realized last week that we faced many challenges. Challenges I've just now had the opportunity to process. I shared in FoodaholicsAnon(My blog on My Weight Loss Journey) that I've been feeling terribly lazy and complacent. I was getting ready to beat myself up when I decided that would be stupid. It has been difficult. I've faced so many intense emotions and it's normal to go somewhere with those emotions. I went into hiding. I think Tang Soo helped to give me just enough fight to not quit, and there were many times I wanted to quit. So, I'm coming out of hiding and rejoining civilization. Life is short and wasted in fear, laziness, and complacency.

As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do. ~Zachary Scott
Laziness brings on a deep sleep, and the shiftless man goes hungry. ~Proverbs 19:15